Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

when you next talk to the police you can ask them what their procedure or advice is regarding things like harassment/stalking etc after he's been served...because i'm sure you know he's not going to take this 'lying down'.

Also, how will contact be facilitated between him and your dc - will you be doing the handover on your own outside your home or will you be using a contact centre? He's going to take every opportunity he can to either have a go at you or try to reel you back in so the less time you spend on a one-to-one basis with him the better.

Am I ready to serve? Twinklestein - I don't know. I know how much money I have, I've tried to work out what I will do when they are. First of all they have yet to be approved. Things have gone much much faster than I would have envisaged really and to a degree I don't feel ready at all but on the other hand will I ever be? Is it possible to get all angles covered? I spent most of last week thinking whether to serve now or after the holidays. It sounds really precious but the whole thing has literally taken over my life to the detriment of other things like my course and proceedings haven't even started yet. I thought I could handle everything but the truth is that in the last few weeks it hasn't been possible like some of you predicted already back in Septemver.

Before Christmas might be better because it would give me time to be with the children to pick up the pieces if necessary. Maybe do things with them and have more time for them as opposed to them being back at school getting on with it. Not sure if it is sensible. In practical terms it means I have little or no time to put away belongings without him being suspicious. But it also means I know his diary, so much better for serving the papers. And anyway the windows wouldn't be more numerous in January though I might have had time to put away a few more things.
Also I despise him so much now and feel so so used that I want to be away from him.

thatsnotmyname sorry that your H is the same as mine with work. I can't get my head round what is threatening about a woman working, I really can't. It's so pathetic. "low-level". So condescending.

There will be no time that is 'perfect'. There will always be some little thing that seems to be an obstacle or something that seems missing or undone. You do it because it is right for you, not because it's the right time. There will be a part of you that says 'what if this' or 'what should I that'. It's human nature to fear the 'unknown' and to try and put obstacles in the way of it. What is known always appears safe, even if it is unhealthy or bad for us, when compared with the unknown. That's where the leap of faith comes in. You know you are unhappy, you know you don't want your children growing up with your marriage as an example. You know you want to be free to make your own life. So just like jumping off the high dive at the pool, or driving on a crowded motorway for the first time, sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and dive or just merge into that traffic. But once you do, you know you are OK and will be just fine.

When you say put away belongings, isn't he going to be served with an order to leave? Or are these things that you don't want him to take when he goes. Could you start 'Christmas decorating' early and some of those things get put away for the decorations to be put up? Could things be sent out for cleaning or 'repair'. At any rate, remember that things are just things, as hard as that may be to feel if you're dealing with things you love.

Adorably - Across is right. There never will be a 'good' time. If you wait until after christmas, then new year, then start of term, then half term, a birthday perhaps, Easter, another half term, exams, end-of-term, summer holidays, start-of-term, a few more birthdays, half term then Halloween - and look, it's 4 weeks to christmas again .... There's never a good time.

I'm glad it's proceeding quickly - it may feel a bit out-of-your-control, but in some ways that is good. If it goes slowly, then you have more thinking time, more time to back out, more 'is it so bad, really?' time. Leave the professionals to do their job - though I'm sure it is impacting you hugely.

I'm so glad you say you despise him. He is despicable and has treated you despicably.

Re the working thing - lots of men like to brag about their intelligent, well-thought-of wives, working, or studying - beauty and brains! BUT in actual fact, in reality, they like the wife to be at home, looking after his children, his house, his^ needs (not in that order, necessarily) not out in the world being looked at (in any sense) by others.

I agree with the pps. There never is a 'good' time. My advice is to let the professionals do their job and get this over with as soon as possible.

The anger that you feel towards your H is a good thing in a way. It will drive you on in your quest to 'cleanse' yourself off this abusive bully. There is an end to it all adorably; hang on in there!

I am also curios what you mean by putting away possessions. Do you mean your own personal things you don't want H to take? Can you take photos of them on your phone so you have proof later? Also if there is a self storage facility near you that would be a good short term solution. Their smallest bins are really cheap to rent for a few weeks. Give your H the excuse of 'de-cluttering' your home in time for Christmas.

Another way to pre-empt your H taking things is to do a spot of packing for him on the day he is served with the orders. (By which I mean throw some essentials into a bag so he doesn't have to collect things for a day or two. NOT neatly iron and fold his underwear! Obviously.)

Take care adorably. I hope your meetings with solicitor and police go well xx

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I wish you strength to get through it. Sounds like you are nearly there...well bloody done!

Adorably no suggestions I'm afraid but just wanted to say I can relate to how the thinking/planning/laying the groundwork takes over your life, I too am wondering how and when to serve, ie before or after holidays (although my situation is quite different to yours) but thanks Acrossthepond for the comment that there will be no perfect time. Stay strong adorably and get all the real life support you can in place.

No details finalised yet but the choice is serve papers at home or at his work. Work could be tricky. He does have a day off lined up and on that day could be served at home. Whichever he would still need time to get his things which is fair enough. I had discussed giving him 2 or 3 days to do that, though I think I don't have to give as much time. I thought giving him 48 hours was better so he wouldn't have to keep asking to come back to collect more things. I would be out when that happens, the children at school. Then the idea is for me to go away with the children and come back when the 48 hours or whatever time are gone. Is that a bad idea? I mean is there a better way to do this I should run past solicitor?
The advice I got was to take things I don't want to lose with us or putting them in storage. But it's doing that that might prove tricky. I am not thinking of large items but stuff with sentimental value or stuff we need. I haven't looked into storage yet. Thanks for the ideas Will bear small bins in mind I didn't know it existed. Yes Acrossthepond I will need DCs to do some clever big Christmas decorating to disguise a prominent empty shelf. I am sure they will oblige as a tree has been requested for past two weeks at least but I am sure he will ask where things are. He is quite tidy.

I think your plan is fine. The main thing is to avoid being anywhere near him when he is served. I would agree with running any plan by your solicitor. He/She will be best placed to advise you.

I would think the optimum would be if he is planning on being gone, you could move the things you want to keep whilst he is gone. Then the day he is expected back or the next day he could be served. You and the DCs could be gone for a couple of days starting the day he gets home. Otherwise, get stored what you can beforehand and try to get it down to where you can pack & store whatever is left after he leaves for work. The main thing is to get him served and out whilst you are gone.

I just wanted to say Good Luck x

Sounds good adorably. I think 48 hours is ample - do make sure you have someone with you when you return, or get the police to accompany you just in case he decides that it doesn't, can't possibly, apply to him.

Good idea to get the dc to make some big xmas decs - big cards, pots with twigs and glitter, stuffed santas - all need to be lovingly displayed, and so other stuff has to go into storage/boot of the car/garage.

good luck

Don't forget any financial/mortgage/other relevant paperwork, or copies of it, as essential items to take with you, along with sentimental items. Will save time asking for it later

Good luck adorably.

If you think there won't be time to get everything you want safely away, do take video of it stating what it is and why it should be yours (I owned this before our marriage, this was a gift, etc) and store on your phone.

How are you doing adorably? Sending more strength and determination your way. And some good luck, too (don't we all need it?).

Thanks for checking on me AwakeCantSleep.

I think the end can't come soon enough now really.

A friend of H's who supposedly was shown the stupid video made a pass at me on Saturday evening during a party and what he said made me wonder whether H was in on it. It completely freaks me out as even if I talked to H I still would never know. Maybe I am completely mistaken about what the guy said. But a few things made me wonder what H had been up to.

I told H his friend was a creep but then I got worried it would be turned against me so I haven't told H exactly what the friend said as that would sound like I am accusing H and I am not sure whether I am right. I felt very shaken about it. And frightened really. Whether or not H said anything it was obvious the friend thought I was fair game.

Using the fact I have a cold I went home early before H and slept in one of DC2 bunk bed. When H came back I heard him come in the room and look. He had his nice act on the next day, wanting to know why I had slept with Dc2 (both got colds and fretful sleep was the answer) and generally full of attention. But this is all really messing with my nerves. Like the person who I thought should or would protect or support me is not doing that, but is even doing the opposite. It's like there is no respite these days. If it's not one thing it's another.

Solicitor sent out papers yesterday. I am trying to do as much coursework and organise stuff and admin ahead. Trying not to forget anything that needs to be done. Waiting I guess and trying to focus on the essential.
So much socialising normally for H in December here I might even try to hang on to my cold until next weekend so I can get out of a couple of engagements I am not looking forward to at all.

This man is treating you like a piece of property that he doesn't especially care for.

Do speak in confidence to your course. You don't need to give lots of details. You can tell them Youre leaving an abusive marriage. Then if for any reason you need additional time/extensions they will be more supportive.

He is treating me as if he hates me at times. I am not sure why. It's either that or he is sick. Either way it makes no difference to how it feels.
I had to tell my tutor I had personal problems as I missed some sessions but I haven't been more specific. I am desperate to finish the course as planned. I doubt I would be able to get much paid work without it.

Hi adorably. This man is sick. And evil. It will be over soon, hang on in there. Are the courts involved now regarding the orders? Do you know how long it should take?

Definitely continue to have a very bad cold. You know how these can come with awful migraines too. (By the way, I hope you get well soon! Just not for your H.) And I second primary's idea regarding mitigation for your course. (I work in HE.) It is definitely worth applying for mitigation now, if you can manage. All it will do is give you more time for coursework. You can still finish your course as planned. If you ask them now they will be much more sympathetic than if you leave it until after a deadline has passed, for example. Anything that reduces your stress levels at the moment seems like a good idea.

Remember, he wants you to fail the course to keep you dependent on him. He may well ramp the stress as you get closer to finishing. Definitely go for mitigation now to reduce the chance of him succeeding.

Sending you positive thoughts amd strength from the other side- I was where you are and left and made a better life. You can do it adorably, there is so much out there for you and that's what he does not want you to see.

This thing with the man and the pass- at least your stbxh is making it nice and easy to leave him and showing you with a bright spotlight that you are doing the right thing.

If you haven't told your solicitor about the video I would do. That one act alone is enough to finish a marriage and the motivation behind even threatening you with such an act won't sit well with anyone in authority. Just look at the people now being jailed for posting revenge "porn".

Have just read though everything and just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely person and a great mother. Obviously your husband has no respect for you. You deserve so much better. Stay strong.

Thanks
Awake - divorce papers have been sent to the court. For the orders I have been told they will be listed with the court within days of being submitted maybe even less and I will have to attend. They haven't been submitted yet though. Solicitor has liaised with the police on that. I think there was a problem with something. Police officer has said they need to speak again to me too, not over the incident but to discuss history and details. They seem quite thorough. Solicitor knows about the video. Not discussed with officer yet but I think that's the sort of things she wants to hear about etc... She has said they want to come to the house if possible this time. I have a written list and I'm trying to detach and be practical about it but between that, H, his creepy friend, it feels like I have little or no privacy left, like I don't belong to myself if that makes sense.

H will completely hit the roof when he gets all this. Completely. But yes I know I'm doing the right thing. I feel I have been increasingly using the children as a shield in all this too, like on Saturday night, it is just so so unhealthy and can't go on.