Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

you are doing really well dear adorably

your comment about not feeling as if you belong to yourself is so very sad...but a little while longer and a few more steps and you will be free...

I am so looking forward to coming on here and reading that you are out of his clutches, I think I might have to find a nice bottle of something to celebrate xx

it feels like I have little or no privacy left, like I don't belong to myself if that makes sense.

It makes a lot of sense adorably. Please remember it is your H who has stolen your privacy. He has been treating you like one of his possessions; you are supposed to belong to him. And now you are having to give up what little privacy you have left in talking to professionals about how to free yourself (and the children) from his abuse. You are doing amazingly well adorably (middle name admirably)

Your solicitor and the police officer sound like they are doing a really good job for you. Do mention the video to the officer; it will help build your case and allow the police to get an idea of the different kinds of sexual abuse you have had to endure. Does she know about the beach incident?

I hope everything proceeds quickly for you adorably. Take care xx

Adorably - I'm so glad the papers are submitted. I hope it all goes speedily.

This man doesnt hate you; he doesn't regard you at all. you are the same as the Audi/BMW/Merc outside - useful for one thing, but it's not necessary to give it any further thought. Fuel, service (!) every so often, maybe a wash and polish to make it pretty and attractive to others...

Def tell the police about the video, and write down as much as you can rememebr about the conversation with the 'creep'. it may be evidence, it may just be nothing, but let them decide that.

I hope things go okay for you adorably.

I have a very practical question. Mind probably working on overdrive but I will need to tell the children's schools about the divorce. Do I tell the teachers or do I need to speak to someone else. Everything has always been pretty smooth running with the kids so I am not sure and also I will need to talk a bit ahead of them missing school for a day or two. Or should I not tell anyone at all until papers are served, and then explain? I am having a bit of a panic about that. The school needs to know though. What do they normally do with children? Do they just keep an eye on them to see if they seem ok in class? I am trying to work out what to say too. Thanks in advance...

Do they have a home/school liaison officer? If so they would probably be the best person to try first. If not I would talk to the teacher you feel most comfortable with. You seem to be a very private person so I imagine it won't be an easy conversation, but I think without going into detail you need to explain that you are escaping abuse. The school will offer the children the support they think appropriate (budget allowing).

I hope you are surviving OK, stay strong x.

Hi adorably. Until papers are served I would communicate only what is absolutely necessary with the school. Your know your children's school very well and can therefore gauge whether or not to trust them with this information.

Once papers are served explain to them why you have to take the children out for a couple of days. They will then hopefully offer appropriate support to your children. Given the police involvement the absence authorisation shouldn't be an issue (even at very short notice).

Take care adorably, and good luck xx

Hi adorably there is no need to say anything to school until the papers have been served/are about to be served - on the day that is due to happen if that would help you not worry that they might leak the information to your H.

If they are good schools their concern will be entirely for the children and they will simply keep an eye on them to make sure they are managing ok, and will be extra-understanding if they are un-settled.

It would be helpful to advise the schools of any changes in picking-up arrangements, or conversely that there won't be any change in picking-up arrangements, so that they know what to expect. This is all the information they need to manage the situation from their perspective. From what you've written in the past I would imagine you are the schools' main contact, so confirm that this should continue to be the case.

Given the circumstances they will be absolutely fine about not knowing about any of this until the very last minute, or even afterwards - all you need say is "my H will be served divorce papers on that day and due to the circumstances the police have advised that the children and I are away when it happens" and leave it at that. That should tell them all they need to know without telling them anything...

Good luck dear girl xxx I love Awake's middle name for you, admirably is absolutely spot on, you deserve, and have, our full admiration

As others have said I would give info to the school strictly on a need to know basis. Personally I would leave it until the papers have been served, because you don't want to be fretting over accidental leaks.

I would go to the head, have one conversation, and leave it to them to inform the relevant teachers, rather than having multiple painful conversations. You might want to put in writing too, so they have the facts in front of them.

Hello Admirably . Quick delurk to say RESPECT to you. You are an amazingly strong and brave woman.

As a former teacher I would say that most schools wouldn't treat your dcs noticeably 'differently' at all when you inform them what's going on, because often it helps dcs most for the routine school things to carry on just the same when things at home are up in the air. The teachers will be looking out for them though, and may well offer them time to talk with a favourite member of staff. I'd suggest that you ask the school if there's anything in particular you think may help your dcs. e.g. sitting with a friend at lunchtime or having a chat with a teacher.

Also, it would help the school if you tell them how much info they can give to STBXH and whether to expect problems. Obviously as he's a parent and there's no non contact order against him seeing the dcs, he's entitled to turn up at school and pick up the dcs whenever he chooses. The school can't legally stop him but most schools would offer to try some delaying tactics while getting hold of you if he tried this. Would he do anything like that? If you are concerned that he may try and get contact/control over you by piching up at school, you could ask for the dcs to stay in the office for you to collect them?

I agree that putting it in writing would be a good idea just so you don't have to repeat the same story to each class teacher, head teacher, TAs etc etc and that the most essential people to inform are class teachers who work with your dcs.

As for authorised/ unauthorised absence, pah! There are more important things to think about.

thank you very much for the opinions - I will have a think and decide. You are right I don't really want to have to repeat the same to different people. I would also like to keep all this away from school life if poss. I will wait I think until papers are served then probably. I was wondering whether maybe I should tell them before but I suppose it makes little difference. I am the main contact for the school and h is hardly ever involved in pick ups he is just not here enough. But yes I would be reassured to know what they would do if he decided to come and pick them up unannounced after papers.
Thanks

Just caught up with your thread. You're doing great adorably. Stay strong and take care.

Been caught up with chaotic stuff at home, but just wanted to pop in an send warm and strengthening thoughts your way, you're doing fab, nearly there lovely xx

I was wondering whether maybe I should tell them before but I suppose it makes little difference.

I think there's little to be gained. However, there are people out there who would take it as their wholly misguided responsibility to inform the husband. I'd suggest keeping quiet until papers are served.

Wow you are just amazing, well done you for being so strong.

As a teacher, my focus is your children so I only need to know when the children know, as that is when they will be affected. Does that make sense? No need to know beforehand as it won't affect the children.

The line about the police is a good one, use it. As has been said, that will tell them all they need to know. You can stick to telling one teacher and ask them to let the other know. Sometimes information given to the head can take time to filter down to the class teachers - although that totally depends on the size of the school and efficiency of the head!

Hope you are okay adorably. Is your solicitor working towards a specific date yet? Take care xx

Thanks AwakeCantSleep. Yes she is. I have also mostly planned what I' m going to do when papers are served. My head is in complete overdrive at the moment, I hope I am doing the right thing. Feel a bit of a nervous wreck really, fine as long as nothing to do with feelings has to be discussed.
I also talked to my tutor as there is a presentation completely the wrong week, she was so kind I ended up all weepy. I am going to do it this week as It's been ready for a while just needs shaping up a bit so I am preparing that today. Takes my mind off things. She said to talk to her in Jan if I am struggling.
H is around a bit this week. He was not too bad this weekend which isn't helping in many ways though I should be grateful really. He did ask about the pill but was not as crass as he can be. He also remarked I was quiet. I suppose his life is fine as far he is concerned. I think that's also what's eating me. Is it possible for someone to behave so badly and just not realise? Because really, that's how it feels, like all this washes over him. Like I am the only one with the problem. In fact many of them.

I don't know... but thanks, Awake, hope things are ok with you.

Hi adorably, middle name admirably Glad your weekend wasn't too bad. However not being abused by your husband some of the time really isn't good enough.

Your H's life if very nice indeed. Of course he doesn't think he is behaving badly. Be fully prepared for tirades of "I have no idea what your problem is" once papers are served (which your solicitor will intercept, hopefully). Abusers don't tend to question their (perceived) 'right' to abuse. Hang on in there adorably. Not long now. Just think of all the peaceful weekends you and your children will have.

I'm glad you have spoken to your tutor as well. Nothing wrong with being weepy (I cry all the time, and I have a million fewer problems than you). Good to hear they are being supportive. Do not hesitate to ask for further extensions or changes to your course schedule. And good luck for your presentation this week! Take care xx

(P.S. Thanks for asking about me. I have been slowly easing myself back into work since last week, which is a major step. (A couple of months ago the mere thought would have given me a panic attack, so this is real progress ))

Awake that's the thing though, I don't think it will be that peaceful really. I don't know obviously but the fallout of all this and the whole process is probably anything but. At the moment I am working towards a goal (serving papers) and mentally blocking stuff so managing to function about normally to the world. But once they are, I can't imagine H is exactly going to make life easy and I am actually petrified the manipulation is going to get worse and that I might fall apart. For now I can also just about deal with how naive I was really, with the guilt that I should not have let H get away with just so much over the years etc etc but really when I start having to tell people I will get all sorts of comments on things. For example telling my parents is just not something I am looking forward to at all. And so if they react as I think they will, it will make things twice as bad and I am getting increasingly worried about how I am going to cope really.

Oh adorably. None of us can imagine what you are going through. And yes, your H might go ballistic after papers have been served, but you are absolutely entitled to direct all his communications through your solicitor. Certainly initially. At that point you should also try and get some real life support in place, to help you disengage. If your H is unhappy it will no longer be your problem. Will your aunt come to stay with you for a bit?

And please, put those feelings of guilt away immediately. Preferably at the bottom of the kitchen bin. None of this is your fault. (Repeat at least 5 times a day.) You have in fact been dealing admirably with it all (hence your middle name ), and given your H a lot of leeway in an effort to save your marriage.

Now, regarding telling other people. I totally understand you are worried about their reaction. However you cannot influence how others are going to react, so try not to stress over it. Say only what you feel comfortable saying. It might be easier for you to put things in writing, either by letter or email. This could be especially helpful with relatives. (I have done this in the past.)

Keep talking to your GP adorably. Have you spoken to them recently about your concerns regarding not being able to cope? I remember you mentioning a wait for counselling. Could this be fast tracked? Also there might be other support organisations (like womens aid) who might be able to help.

Stay strong adorably. You are amazing. Keep focused, and come and talk to us if/when you feel like it.

Awake makes many good points. Your husband can kick off all he likes. Remember that he will not be living in the same house as you. You will be able to shut and lock the door with him on the OUTSIDE. You will be able to hang up the phone on him or direct him to your solicitor. You won't have to talk to him or see him if you don't want to. As far as manipulating you, he can try! But remember you have your solicitor and the 'Mighty Minds of Mumsnet' ™ to help you sift the wheat from the chaff! LOL. And as time goes by and you are away longer from living with him, you will be able to see his manipulations more clearly.

Awake and Across are right, Adorably. He can try to manipulate, but you have protection. All your correspondance from that point should go through solicitors; he can't manipulate you through them. That is all your correspondence. From financial, to child access, to his weeping/angry/bullying/wheedling cycle- all through your sols. you need never say another word to him.

Regarding telling other people - you don't need to go into the ins-and-outs. You don't need to tell them about the rape, the humilitaion, the video, the injuries - just say you are splitting. If they ask why (and most people won't) you can say there was abuse. Full Stop. Same with your family - if they are not on your side, totally, and you do't want to confide, then don't.

Yes, it is your choice as far as what info to give out. One of the best things I ever discovered is the polite smile and "I really am not ready to talk about it yet" after my ex and I split. There was abuse and it was all I could do to keep it together internally. I wasn't ready to talk about the 'gory details' to my general friends and family. Even in today's world of 'oversharing', there's no law yet that says we are required to spill our guts to every person we know. We are still allowed to keep things private, especially if we feel that the person we are talking to won't be sympathetic or offer positive suggestions. Even if it is our parents. Actually, especially then!

Thanks AcrossthePond ptumbi - I'm not exactly used to putting down the phone on H, you know, so I think I will have to not answer it really.

And no I don't want to tell people any details - I like your suggestion Pond I will have to practise and think of other stock replies to use. I have done a lot of oversharing on here really but I definitely don't want to tell family anything. I will just tell my family that we are going to be divorcing once papers are served. Well my aunt knows some things but not all so I guess if she feels inclined to share what she knows after I won't stop her... Btw awake she won't be coming now until January, too expensive and too close for her Christmas preparations with her family. She is keen to come though and maybe longer than she initially said. I have actually realised she has her own agenda there, which includes the sales, which are still talked about in my country on the news as something unique... I am sure it will really help me to have her here though.

Adorably - once the divorce papers are served, he is no longer your H. He is your STBXH, and you can put the phone down on him, same as you'd do if it was anyone else being abusive or manipulative, or even if you just don't like what he's saying. I know it's hard, but it will get easier in time, as and when you emerge from your cocoon of 'his plaything', back to being you.

Start thinking of him as the 'enemy' - or if not, then at least 'not your friend'. Not on your side. NOT on TeamAdorably.

He will have absolutely no compunction in doing what is best for him; you need to start doing the same.