Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.
Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'm with Twink. He is NOT a good person nor a good father. The farther he is from them physically, the better. As far as keeping contact, there is Skype, phones, email. He can 'be' a part of their lives if he chooses. As far as visits to his new home, frankly, I'd do all I could to prevent it, at least until they are older (I'd say 13). It seems to me that he has ample means to visit them here. Again, he's just not trustworthy and I'd want them to be old enough to know how and be brave enough to contact the police or you if he was mistreating or threatening not to let them come home. If that's not possible, I'd get an iron-clad 'child return policy' and be sure he lives in a Hague Convention country. If he does not, then I'd do all I could to prevent them visiting him there.

Many children have parents who simply walk away. Most of them do just fine with the parent remaining. Because, like you, they are a good and loving parent.

I'm a bit surprised about his family not contacting the children. I may be paranoid, but speak to your solicitor about it. Could it possibly be that they are going to try and say that you are refusing to allow them to contact the children as some type of ploy on his part? Unlikely, but still better to let your solicitor know. As far as them not speaking to you, well, not surprised by that. It was only time until they 'closed ranks' to support him.

You are doing a wonderful job. I think your panic attacks will lessen and lessen as time goes by. Your life is definitely on the upswing!

[Justaboy]

adorably2014 * sorry to hear that your marriage has hit the rocks, If you have decided to end it then that's fine, you do not have to prove anything you just petition the court and that in itself is good enough reason.

A marriage petition can be defended but very very few are.

Then its down to the financial settlement. In brief everything that has come into the marriage over its duration is referred to as Marital property. Sometimes stuff that either party has bought in is generally considered not to be part of that. It can vary.

Then the assumed spilt is 50/50% BUT there are a LOT of factors that can swing that one way or the other. A major part is the children and they are the courts first concern and they are accorded a lot of importance. The courts don't seem to be that bothered about the parents and these days just because he had an affair or you did even that's of no concern nowadays no fault is where its at.

If its deemed that you are the best person to have custody of the children then you will need a home and its very often the case that you will be awarded the family house unless theirs enough equity in that or spare loot around that both of you can split it and be housed but more often than not wife stays but husband moves elsewhere. Then he will almost certainly have to pay maintenance for the children's upkeep and possible you as well though that's changing in recent times.

You and he with have to fill out a form E where you both disclose your wealth and belonging and pensions stocks and shares cars etc loose cash looted treasure the lot!, and woe betide either party if they don't come clean that might have a prison sentence hanging over it!.

You will have to tell them how much you spend on mortgages rates heat and light food car transport etc etc then the court can decide what you should be awarded. However sometimes you maybe able to decide this between yourselves not all divorce causes go the full way to court for most men its a big risk the judge is judge, jury and executioner he can say husband give her everything you have or even the other way around but usually where young children are involved mum has the upper hand.

Best bet is to ask friends in your town if there's anyone to be recommended divorce is common these days so someone will know someone.

This is an excellent site its written by Roger Bamber who is a world authority on the matter. You will find there info about most all aspects its well worth a read. Collaborative law is more the thing these days where its trying to agree on the issues involved rather then the adversarial fight you see on TV court cases and its now realised that a possible collaborative settlement is best for bother parties and the children long term.

Its not pleasant but at the end of the day you will be much happier and if handled well you might be onbetter terms with your ex I am and in a way its been a good thing

www.divorce.co.uk/

[Twinklestein]

Just a thought, justaboy you might read the thread before you post.

[Justaboy]

Yes fair comment Twinklestien. It does look like i missed a page sorry if anyone's been upset or offended, no offence meant at all!.

[adorably2014]

Thanks for your support.

I agree with you it's best in many ways that he's off. Contact has only brought heartache for me, and yes he's totally toxic. However the children feel rejected. There's been a lot of blowing hot and cold since Jan. Even phone contact has virtually stopped right now. He wasn't contactable earlier in the week when they tried and he hasn't called them back since. He promised dc1 to pay for his main activity but never did so or even mentioned it again. Lots of stuff like that. DC1 has zillion questions, goes over things, thinks they did something wrong, dc2 is chirpy self but picking up on dc1's anxiety. I won't contact his mother because I got a solicitor's letter telling me not to, and after the neglect allegations, I'm more than happy with that actually. No contact has meant far less drama and unpleasantness for me and DC2 acts up a lot less. I feel guilty they're having to go through this and upset how little he seems to care though. Also worried about the responsibility now and longer term too. I feel like it's really all up to me to make sure they're ok.

Across He'll be coming back here fairly often I imagine but yes, it could well be the next demand/application. And yes the situation with his mother is totally crazy and unjustified. It's like this wall has been put up.

I try to take one day at a time and to focus on little things. Cocoon-like a bit. Still adjusting to the new routine and hoping nothing like the awfulness of the applications and allegations come to upset anything as it all feels quite precarious. It's good to have the structure and focus of work. It takes my mind off things. It's all quite daunting and I feel a bit ancient, slow and awkward there but hopefully I'll get over it. Childcare has been so tricky to organise. I'm also not quite sure how financially better off working makes me.

Justaboy erm... pretty off the mark I must say, but no offence taken. I've had a solicitor for a while.

[AcrossthePond55]

Honestly, I know the children are having a rough time right now, but children are much wiser than we give them credit for. In time they will realize that it is NOT them, that they are blameless. DC1 will realize that his father is selfish and any offers to pay for things are a form of 'bribe' to cultivate favour. DC1 will grow to be an independent soul with a lot of self reliance.

It is up to you to make sure they're OK, and you are doing an excellent job at it. No worries there!

One day at a time is just right.

[Notabeararaccoon]

Hi adorably. Just wanted you to know I still think of you. Hope things have become more settled and a little easier. Xx

[notapizzaeater]

Wow, just read this all the way through and you need a medal :-)

[adorably2014]

Thank you for asking after me Notabear. Sorry I haven't posted. Articulating everything meaningfully in writing seems to take me ages, it's hard to find time to do anything these days, plus I started getting worried about how much identifying info I ended up giving as well...

I'm better than I was last year at this time for sure. I had a real low in December as a lot of things got on top of me. I feel much calmer now. We're getting at the end of the legal process (at last, hopefully). It's amazing how much he had hidden from me, financials and otherwise. Or maybe not amazing. It hasn't really worked in his favour so far though. He's still full of himself and still sends me emails. I feel nothing for him at all, just contempt and fear. He's seen the children once for a family meal since the summer. I guess it says it all. I'm not bothered for myself, quite the opposite. It's for the children. When I take them to activities at the weekend and all the dads are there, it utterly sucks. I've had the conversation so many times with DC1. I think they're paying a really high price here. Leaving him has also meant his family have stopped contact and my parents are continuing to be in touch with him (my mother thinks I'm mentally ill, she actually told me, and still can't accept what I have done, says I've ruined my life and everyone else's. I don't know why he keeps in touch with them, I doubt he does it out of decency, maybe he likes his ego stroked or something or wants to isolate me, I would have thought by now he would have got bored but he hasn't. It's too sick for me to deal with, luckily geographical distance is on my side) so we're not communicating with them either. But we don't do too badly just us. I'm quite organised now. They have lots of friends like before. We do stuff and have fun. We have our moments but they're lovely. It's just a great big sadness and worry I feel when I see families together, or other kids out with their dads especially at weekends.
I'm still working through what I let happen with stbx, what he did, the guilt I feel, etc. Some days I still get very anxious and unsure. I get on with life though, I really like my job too.

[Twinklestein]

Hey Adorably, really good to see you. I'm so glad you're enjoying your job.

I honestly think that your children would pay a much higher price if they stayed in touch. This is the best of all possible outcomes, even though it doesn't seem like it now. I wouldn't want my kids being around a man like that.

Too many mothers think it's better for children to keep in touch with abusive exes and it just adds to the damage.

I'm both gobsmacked and unsurprised that your mother is still up to snuff.

I've said this before but you have a huge amount of clout, so use it. Tell her calmly that unless she ceases contact with your ex she will not see you and the children. And be prepared to follow through. When she sees you're serious im sure she will capitulate. If only because she won't want the shame of being a gm who doesn't see her gc. She has a choice: you or him.

You've done amazingly well standing up to an abuser. You to assert your power with your mum too, otherwise the abuse from both will continue. (Your ex is only in contact with your mum to torment you and it's probably the same for your mum).

[Fishface77]

Hi adorably I'm a long time lurker, just wanted to say you've done fab! Your kids are lucky to have you x

[ptumbi]

Great to get such a positive update, Adorably!

You are doing so well, and your dc will get on fine with just you. As twinkle says, having that man in their lives will only bring harm and damage, not the good that you would want for your kids.

[glintwithpersperation]

Hi adorably- you are doing so amazingly well xx