Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

Sorry if it's all so bitty...
Yes Scarletohello but nothing involving me having sex with another man fantasy. But on holiday in my country 5 days after presenting me with expensive jewellery gift in front of the children, as in daddy loves mummy so much, I ended up with no clothes on on a (admittedly fairly secluded) beach, just avoiding having sex on said beach, but having sex in the car instead. Sounds like stuff you would see in a farce/smutty schoolboy story except it wasn't funny. The beach itself is often empty but the locals frequent the paths that overlook it to go berry picking so there is often no way of knowing if you really are alone. It was horrible as it's a small community there and people definitely know who I am.

The evening after he decided I needed to have multiple orgasms to make up for the fact that I had found it difficult to have pleasure once before our holiday. I'll spare everyone the details but it was exhausting and pretty horrible in the end. My head was like mush the next day.

On paper it looks like nothing and even it could look like I'm a prude and that all he needs is someone more highly sexed but really it's not. He likes the control I can see that now. Why else vow to change, give someone expensive presents only to walk all over their dignity.
Well now at least I have sort of put it all in writing ...

Just stopping by to say welcome back and I'm so happy that you've decided to leave.

Jeez youre just a sex toy to him aren't you? How horrible for you. You really do need to leave this man, it's so abusive and controlling. Keep posting here and I'm sure you will get good support to give you the strength you will need to get away from this man.

It does NOT look like nothing on paper.
He is doing his best to degrade you.

Oh OP I'm so glad you've decided to leave. I remember reading your previous thread in total horror at your husband's behaviour.

It does not sound like nothing when written down. I can only imagine how scared you are. On one hand, you could point blank refuse to have sex/share a bed from now on. OTOH, he may well discover that you're planning to leave. How scary for you.

Re the papers to do with the divorce: is there any chance you can open a bank safety deposit box?

I'm so glad you've found the courage to leave.

What you describe is most definitely sexual abuse. Rape crisis may be able to help you if/when you want to talk about it.

Sorry I didn't word that well. I meant that your refusal to have sex with him may make him suspicious.

Thank you all. Yes degraded is how I felt after the beach incident ...
At the moment I don't refuse to have sex - it would be a huge deal if I did and I would blow my plans of putting money aside and starting growing in my profession. He appeared initially pleased when I mentioned I might get paid work, but now that means that I might have to spend some time at the weekend working on those projects he has said things like "As long as you still have a life" which I know means "as long as nothing changes" ... The children love that I work though and seem really proud. The youngest told all their friends, which is really sweet.

Oh Adorably, I'd wondered what happened to you. So happy you are going to leave that sexually abusive bully!

If he knows your account info, you probably do need to open another private account. Just knowing the info on your current account would be enough for him to probably access it and it may raise his curiosity if he begins to see the money accumulating in large amounts (unless you could provide an alternate reason for it like course fees or saving up for Christmas gifts?). I'd also look into a bank deposit box for documents, possibly valuable jewelry, and a supply of ready cash also, just in case. Really, I'd put nothing past him when it comes to you leaving. He considers you his 'possession' and people can be very vindictive when that 'possession' decide they belong only to themselves!

I'm sure you'll need a solicitor for your divorce. IIRC there are a great deal of finances involved and you will want wise counsel as to what you should expect for yourself and the children.

I remember your thread too, so pleased you've come to this decision!

Just to add, I'm a therapist with a special interest in domestic abuse and one of the main things to consider when working with this client group is that you don't ever work on the trauma until the client is in a place of safety. Counselling would be great at this stage to provide emotional support but should not be going deep into the details of what your husband has done.

Reparative trauma work can and should come afterwards when you are safe and can start to heal.

Oh my! I'm new to mumsnet but not to life and this has taken even hard bitten old me by surprise.

I've even got that odious song ' living doll' by that equally odious......

You know the one I mean

Got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking, living doll
Got to do my best to please her, just 'cause she's a living doll
Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul
Got the one and only walking talking, living doll

Take a look at her hair, it's real
And if you don't believe what I say, just feel
I'm gonna lock her up in a trunk
So no big hunk can steal her away from me'

When you feel down Adorably, think of those words , get angry and get out.

My poor little love, that's you!

Stripping you off on a beach! Wtf! Is that about!
The man is sick!, sick! Sick!

He wants to show you off! Show everyone what he can do to you! In public if that's what he chooses!

He will get sicker and he will push those boundaries further and further to satisfy his sick perversion because believe me it is a perversion.

Do not be taken in by his crocodile tears. This man hasn't an ounce of real human feeling in him. He is worried that his game is over and you start to tell.

Get a bank lock box. Put cash in it. Turn the jewellery into cash. Put papers in it. Yes, yes, yes, copy everything. If he can't hurt you physically ( forcing you to have sex with him is a physical hurt ) he WILL hurt you financially.

Make sure the police have a written statement from you in case he turns nasty .

I so feel for you but remember you are a strong capable woman and not his sex toy!

Find somewhere to rent or go to a refuge and go ASAP

I remember your thread. I am so glad that you have made the decision to leave.

Please put aside any thoughts of how you will be perceived. You are entitled to leave a relationship that isn't working for you at any time. It doesn't matter what others think. Your choice matters enough on its own.

(Oh, and in my experience you will receive a lot more support than you think once you start opening up, and it is not worth spending any energy trying to justify yourself to the few who will not agree with your decision.)

Thank you.
JaceyBee thanks it's useful that's how I feel. I feel strong as long as I don't talk about the details. Otherwise the shame of some of it is overwhelming. I talked about assertiveness with one of the counsellors I saw in July and she suggested a couple of books which have helped me and I have seen her once since and she is quite helpful with that. But it's more like coaching and looking at strategies to be a more assertive person with everyone, in everyday situations. I feel I have already come a long way since June.

For the rest another poster kindly recommended a specialist who I think I will get in touch with when I am ready. I'd like to think I am quite resilient. I left home against the wishes of everyone there and I think I can do this, but in my own time making sure I have sorted everything.

I feel sad but his behaviour has slowly made me dislike him. I don't mind a man who wants lots of sex, nothing wrong with that and I can deal with him being a pest but I am not prepared to have someone degrade me as he has done. I don't think he has realised that I am slowly switching off and that this is the reason. I intend to tell him once I have saved money, finished my course, and got sound legal advice. Because of the children I want to get it right and do things properly.

Regarding the finances. The account I put the money in is just mine. I had it before I even met him. He knows the details as he gives me an allowance which is just for me, including my course. The rest (childcare etc) all comes out of our joint account. I don't think he has ever asked me what I do with what I get. He isn't really interested to be honest. He checks the joint, we do it together in fact, but is not really bothered by the rest. Things might change and if he sees me working for money, and not available, that he won't like very much at all. He is away a lot which does give the opportunity to sort things out.

Anyway better go for now. Thank you all for your support.

There is a difference between him giving you an allowance, and you being financially independent and working for your money.
I can see how he is ok with you having a past time (course) but not actually working.

Oh yes I realise that Lweji. I do a day a week work experience related to my course where I asked if there would be paid work. It's all project work. They said yes, most probably as they are very busy. If I pursue this, which I should as it is a fantastic opportunity, then I will be bringing work home to do, on top of my coursework attendance, coursework and the work experience day I do. All pretty manageable but it will certainly mean more juggling for me, and less of that availability that my husband so cherishes. Plus as I will be earning a bit of money he might reconsider the allowance, though he didn't seem to take the mention of "real work" too seriously.

And yes you are right I am a long way away from financial independence.

Don't mention that it's paid, but just its importance as course work? :)

Oh so glad to hear you are moving on, this man should be locked up, he's an abuser, god help the next victim.

Have you gone to see a divorce solicitor to clarify your situation financially? You can get a half hour consultation for free. You may be eligible for more than you think and it's always good to know where you stand. Think you will have to play the long game here...

Scarletohello I went to see one but I made the mistake of not having prepared anything or even prepared what to say in my head so didn't come out with anything really useful. She said usually mediation is recommended as a first step but I didn't give her enough info at all and also I think just gave her the impression I hadn't thought through my decision. I did feel she was talking down to me a bit anyway and I felt quite intimidated. I need to do more research and also the WA woman I have now met has given me a list. That solicitor meeting was a very useful wake up call that I need to research and be more savvy. My H has assets of all kinds, including properties. For eg our home is in my name as well and so is one of the holiday homes but the rest is all in his name. Some of it is abroad so it's all going to be very complicated I imagine. H works in finance and has lots of lawyer friends so my guess is it could be very difficult if I am unprepared and if he chooses to make it difficult. Yes it is going to be a long long road if I ever get there...

GoatsDoRoam yes I should. I came close to telling my aunt who I am fairly close to but didn't as I worried she may use the information to get back at my mother (her sister) who she can't stand! My friends are my children's friends' mothers and again, my thought is always if I tell one of them in confidence, what if the word got round?

Dowser oh that song is horrible, I didn't really know it, looked it up but it's creepy... As for he is sick, I don't know ... I used very word, I said it was a sick thing to do to rip my bikini off, refusing to give it back and packing our stuff and going to the car, leaving me standing there, we had an argument about it, and I also know he did that because he was cross as I had just refused to have sex with him 5 mins before so he punished me for it. He said it. He apologised but came up with reasons why he did it, all of them blaming me in the end. You made me angry, you are so beautiful, you never initiate sex, there was no one there don't be so prudish, it was a joke, I wanted to enjoy the moment, my wife and the beautiful scenery, what do you want me to do about it now is that going to spoil the rest of our day?

He doesn't do crocodile tears, he shifts blame instead... And deep down my intuition tells me the multiple orgasm session the night after was because I argued back so much the day before.
The difference with before is that I can see through things more clearly I think (hope) and I am not blaming myself as much as before for what happens.

Anyway the WA now have me officially on file or whatever they call it and the lady I saw was very nice ...

Mediation is absolutely not advised where there is an abusive relationship! But at least it did make you think about how prepared you will need to be for this fight. Glad you found WA useful. I just feel sad for you that there is no one else in RL you can talk to about this, must be so hard dealing with this on your own.

It's going to be a long road adorably if you don't take the other path. The path to your freedom and emotional and physical release.

Ripping your bikini off! He's acting out his sexual fantasies.

I don't think he sees you as an adult woman. He's all about manipulation and control.
At the moment he's pretending to love you through it but I'm afraid as his sick perversions get the better of him he will resort to violence. Especially if he perceives you getting stronger.
Tying you up. Stubbing cigarettes out on you. Mates round to watch. Join in!

I don't know. I don't want to scare you I just feel you are in a very dangerous place.

It sounds like you will be alright financially.

I think I would be making plans to leave with your children ASAP.

Have a look at this and see if your husband ticks any of these boxes. It might be some, possibly not all but even on the ones you feel he doesn't tick completely on a scale of 1-10 he might be in there somewhere .

Stay safe.

m.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Sociopath

Whoops forgot link

dear adorably, I've sent you a private message about a specialist solicitor. I'm new to mn so not sure how it works, so thought it best to alert you here in case you don't either.

xxx

If you think word will get round to your husband, then it is good to exercise caution. But don't hold back once you have made the break and you are safe! You will need people to talk it out with.

And if you can have the support of neutral professionals now (eg. Women's Aid) where there is no risk of your husband getting wind of anything, use that too.

I was mostly responding to your fear that other people might not find your actions justified. They will. We all do.

As someone suggested,put as much paperwork as you can into a bank security box. I'd also open a new personal account for yourself and transfer all your finances into it,so H doesn't have access.
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