Decision made

[adorably2014]

I posted here in June. I can't seem to be able to link to my old thread. After a summer of ups and downs I have decided I don't want to be married to my husband anymore. He has no idea and now the children are at school again I have more time to plan.

My fear is that because what is happening is always in private, how can I possibly document all this and be believed in the divorce courts? For example this summer he had bought me two really expensive pieces of jewellery which he presented to me in front of the children as a kind of I love you gift, only for 5 days later to do the stuff that has made me decide to leave. So he will easily seem like the wronged man with a gold digger wife. I am also concerned what to say to the children when a split is initiated. I don't want them to know exactly as it would be too awful for them but then again is it going to be possible to protect from everything? I also worry that if I talk about what has been going on then my H could potentially be in trouble which I don't want, selfishly I just don't want to have to live with it anymore.

For the moment I am focusing on my course and work experience where I asked if there was possible paid employment. My boss said they were very busy and would probably have two projects I could help with in October and be paid for. I hope it materialises. In the meantime I am putting as much money as possible into my own account. My H has not got access to it but knows the account details. Is it OK do you think or should I set sth he knows nothing about. For choosing a solicitor is it best to take a WA solicitor or one of my own? I reckon my H will get someone really good and expensive so I need to make sure I have someone very very good.

I tried to find a counsellor before the school holidays but it wasn't that easy. I also found that talking about all the stuff in a way made me freeze and reflect so much that I couldn't act if that makes sense. I think when things are over I will then hopefully find the space to talk ... So for now I am trying to get on with practical stuff like following advice on getting paperwork together before contacting solicitors. My H has loads of paperwork. I know because I sometimes do his filing. There are share certificates, pension stuff etc... Do I need to copy everything? If so,does it need to be recent or can I take copies now even if I don't start anything in 6 months' time.

Sorry I sound like such a cold calculating b here. I am mostly terrified of putting the children through such an upheaval but then I keep reminding myself our eldest saw something was wrong with me during the holiday and didn't really believe the explanation that 'mummy is tired'.

Anyway apart from my few questions not sure entirely why I am posting, for support I guess and to update on previous thread after this long gap.

Thanks. Yes I know what you are saying and yes 7 weeks is a really long time. I just struggle as people are planning presents and visits and asking me my opinion on this and that to do with Christmas organising and what we want to do. I reply thinking that actually maybe none of that is going to happen if I go ahead now so I feel a bit stuck really. I need to stop being so polite.

Right now the only one you need to be thinking about is you, and by extension, your children. It doesn't matter about Christmas plans or presents. It doesn't matter if you have to accept an invitation or plan for a gift for someone knowing that you will back out due to separating from your husband. The only thing that matters is that you protect yourself and keep your plans secret. Anyone who cares about you in the least will certainly understand. I know I certainly would, even if it made a dent in my plans or cost me some money.

Another adding to the voices saying to do it as soon as you can. You need to be away from him, his abuse of you is escalating, and Christmas is known for making abusuve relationships worse, so you and your children need to be somewhere away and safe before then. What's one unsettled Christmas compared to a lifetime of calm, enjoyable safe Christmases to come? Sending more strength and warmth your way x

Agree with pps in that you have to think about you and the kids. Exclusively. Don't be afraid to upset other people's plans. You are taking an incredibly brave step, and they will understand. So be polite where necessary to keep your plans secret. Be vague about your own Christmas activities if it is safe to do so. If people insist you make commitments for meet-ups etc then make commitments knowing full well that you will most likely pull out. It's fine. No-one would judge you for it if they knew what you are going through. Sending you (((hugs))) adorably. Take care xx

- who have all given good advice.

It is a busy time of year; no-one will wonder at all about a vague answer to any questions about what you are doing, where you are going...

Above all, keep safe, adorably. His behaviour is escalating - given that he already feels your body is his for the taking, this is not going to end well. 7 weeks is far too long to keep yourself safe.

Good luck

I didn't mean put a stop to it forever!

How are things, Adorably?

Good luck adorably.

It's Monday and I'm resetting the alphabetical order of posters

Hope you're okay adorably. How is your paperwork coming along?

Thanks for checking on me. It's ok ptumbi I hadn't noticed the A thing. That was quite funny.
I worked on the paperwork last week. Writing the supporting evidence part was really hard work in more ways than one. I hope it will be good enough. The solicitors will tell me. I am waiting for the police officer to call back. I need to see them again to sign for the statement and they will talk me through what happens next and what support the domestic abuse team can give. The solicitor called me last week. I think she is waiting for the statement too and said she would chase if nothing happened by Wedensday. I have a feeling she thinks I am undecided and may back out and maybe that's why she is waiting for that, I am not sure. She stressed that evidence is crucial for occupation order especially. And I suppose there isn't much really.
Sorry if I don't update too much, I am feeling the pressure of juggling everything at the moment and I don't think I can face writing about another shit weekend. I nearly made a mistake of tslkng about separating after H said on 3 different occasions (one in front of his friends) that I would find getting a first proper job at 31 quite difficult. I snapped after we got home as he started pestering me. His tone was so condescending, it made my blood boil, somehow I must be really touchy about this, I will have to be careful.

Thanks again

You absolutely wont find 31 over the hill in a job sense, and I think you know that. He is just trying to put you off working. And you know that too. He doesnt really like you having much contact with the outside world - there is always the risk that you might mention something to other people about your life, or that you will realise how abnormal your existence is. He KNOWS he is keeping you in a guilded cage and how very very wrong his treatment of you is. Hence the pestering about another baby - barefoot, ignorant and pregnant is where he wants you, and further dependently tied to him and his vile abusive ways.
But he is too late because that ship has sailed.
Im pleased all the pieces are coming together and soon you will be safe.

He's just trying to undermine your confidence to keep you dependant on him. And he's talking bollocks by the way!

Of course he's talking bollox! He does love to undermine you, doesnt he? I seem to remember that even with his specialist subject (sex) he considered that you needed 'tuition' and 'guidance'.. (ie he noticed a vulnerable person and rushed to put his 'stamp' on you )

Why do you think the sol is waiting for you to back out? Surely all the more reason to rush things ahead? And I'm sure there is plenty of evidence, what with GP and police involvement.

adorably sorry your H is being a condescending arse. I'm properly angry on your behalf. He is wrong of course. Try not to pay too much attention.

This is your thread so don't apologise for posting/not posting. Could your solicitor liaise with the police to speed things up a bit?

You are juggling a lot at the moment (all while continuing to suffer abuse from your H). And you have been doing fantastically well. Be kind to yourself , have some and try to leave the worrying about details of legal proceedings to your legal eagle.

Hi adorably as Awake says, don't worry about not posting, you're not here to entertain us, it's just with what has gone on recently we are all a bit on edge and worried about you. So long as you are safe that's fine.

I think the solicitor will be waiting for the paperwork because she knows it wouldn't be safe to serve him papers unless both orders are in place. She sounds really very good.

Hope the week goes ok xx

No I don't really believe him that I can't get a job though I can see it won't necessarily be easy either. I think it was his manner that upset me more than the words really.
ptumbi I don't think she wants me to back out. I just don't think I come across as the most confident person about the whole decision and I think she is very careful at making sure I understand what I am about to do, if that makes sense.

I just don't think I come across as the most confident person about the whole decision

That is unsurprising, given a) the lengths your H has gone to in order to crush your confidence, and b) that you are having to take fairly drastic measures to protect yourself and the children while keeping it all a secret.

However your growing confidence is really shining through your posts adorably. I love your user name but if you ever think of name changing, admirably comes to mind (extra points for alliteration here ).

Your solicitor sounds like a good one. Keep liaising with her, as well as the GP and police as necessary, to carefully plan your exit (or your H's, rather). Take care xx

I don't know about growing confidence. I just can't understand why he doesn't want me to work. I have always been clear I wanted to do that at some point and he even seemed to value the fact I wanted that. I suppose he touched a nerve there as I really regret not trying to get a "proper" job after I met him. Though I love dc1 to bits it was a shock to the system to give up being a-grade student with prospects for babies in a short space of time. And yes certainly the little I see in my work placement makes me realise what I have missed out on.

He doesn't want you to work because that will enable you to be independent and lessen his hold over you. He wants you dependent upon him for everything and thus under his control.

The thought of you working probably scares the bejeebers out of him!

yes, there is a big difference in him SAYING that he values your wanting to work, and the actual reality of you doing so.
Him SAYING it kept him being the good guy, all the time while it was impossible. Hence the third baby suggestion keep it impossible for a good while longer, whilst still agreeing in principle.

But you, getting out in the real world, interacting with normal people and maybe discussing/comparing your home life, and having financial independance. That aint never going to happen while he has anything to do with it.

OP, he sounds like an extremely controlling sociopath to me - and i don't trust him one bit. be on the alert, he will be in utter disbelief and denial that you've not only had the 'audacity' to tell him you're leaving him but that you've managed to do all this right under his nose and he was in complete ignorance of it, his ego will have a very hard time coming to terms with that. So make sure he can't take your dc out of the country and make sure that you have something setup whereby either you or they make daily/weekly phone contact at the least so you don't fall 'off the radar' as such.

what you're doing takes tremendous courage and strength and you're almost there...stay strong and stay safe

If I were in your situation OP, I'd wind my neck right in and not mention separation again, to put him off the scent. It's difficult to fake being ok, but you don't want him getting wind of your plan before you're ready.

And don't feel you need to update your thread you have more than enough in real life to deal with.

Thankfully I didn't use the S-word or the D-word. But I think he knew what i meant, but he didn't care to be honest, it just gave him the opportunity to spell things out one more time, just in case I hadn't understood (what with my pea-size brain) - recent graduates in better position than me, all 30 something would have much more experience and of course let's not forget the children. He was really warming to his theme, he knew it was winding me up really. Called me a silly bitch for misunderstanding what he said, he didn't mean to be unsupportive, I didn't understand what he meant ...

I could have written such a long post on Monday but it wousl have taken ages.
On a slightly better note the solicitor seems scarily efficient, I hope she remains so and is right to be so sure of things. She had said she'd liaise with the police and had done it. I heard from them this am so will have the meeting to finalise things with her this week. The trickiest thing seems to be when to serve all this. It won't be served abroad so it's left not many windows of opportunities at all. Also the police officer said to come and sign but then they would need to speak to me again at a later date. She said not to worry but they needed more information. I am quite nervous at what that might mean.

He 'didn't mean to be unsuportive' you 'silly bitch'... Nice.

Are you feeling ready to serve? When would you like it to be done, given the restrictions?

Hi Adorably, just want to say with steam coming out of my ears what a prick he is for being so unsupportive of you re: getting a job. My H has been similarly disparaging of my efforts, running me down, (and now that I am working I will never hear the end about how 'low-level' my job is and how I am earning so little) and it really dents your confidence-- please please don't let it. As you are doing your course and getting good experience in your placement you will be fine regarding your CV, etc. What really makes me angry is that your husband (and mine) should be encouraging, helping, adding consctructive comments wherever possible, not tearing you down!

But of course you know you cannot tell him this, jsut let him think that you and your pea-sized brain are taking in what he is saying. Hope all is going well with your plans.

Don't worry about the police. I'm sure they just need to dot a few 'i's and cross a few 't's.

The best time to serve him, truthfully, would be when he is out of the house. At his work for example, if it could be done relatively discreetly. If he is served with a occupation order it might be smoother if he was already out of the house when he gets it. Otherwise, it would be good to serve it when you and the children are out of the house, if the police can stay around to be sure he has vacated and then let you know it's safe to return home. If it has to be served when you are both home, can you try to get someone to be there with you? A friend or even a nanny? Just someone to be there might stop him from trying to either have a go at you or trying to 'talk some sense' into you.