Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Oh and another voice saying no matter what happens now - no matter what you decide or where you sleep or how you feel you must appease him - we are here and will continue to support you.

De lurking to say you are still strong and valued and you have your goal I. Mind.

As I said before, I am no where near your first leaving stage and I am in awe of you, I still am.

You can do this.

Thank you everyone so so much, sassy, zazzles, Carbe everyone so many names, so much support

I'm ok, I'm doing ok here - I have had a night of him ranging between a tearful little boy to Mr outright dominator, but I have stood my ground.

I can leave this marriage if I want by the way, but only if we have tried counselling first, and he feels next March is the cut off date where I really will be free as long as all 'fix it' avenues have been exhausted!

So obviously that's no deal from me!

Tonight has made me feel stronger. He's gone to bed now and I will sleep with dd1 (who's fine now, no proper illness thankfully)

The whole rape thing you all flagged up was a bit of a shock. I didn't feel I was being raped, in the whole scary, media sense of the word, I felt I was being deceptive and misleading of how I really felt and just doing what I needed to do to not rock the boat. The word rape is horrific and I don't want to think about it anymore - as far as I'm concerned it happened and it won't happen again.

Sassy your story has given me great hope and I think I'll have a look at rentals now, thank you so much for telling me about it and I'm glad you're out the other end! Scary to think that my solicitor is just churning out generic stuff to me when she knows I'm at risk. I told her he had threatened to strangle me if I 'took his kids away' ffs!

And everyone else, great words, great advice - I'm feeling a lot better, dusting myself off again - I can do this, and I will!

It's really good to hear you sounding more positive.

I'm sorry if what I said about "the incident" (I won't use the word as I don't want you to feel uncomfortable) shocked you. I, like many others on here are simply worried about you, and I just wanted you to know of the options out there. I didn't intend to make you feel bad, you're going through a hard enough time as it is.

Please be kind to yourself. Remember, the house is just bricks and mortar. You can make a home for yourself and the girls anywhere, whether it be in a refuge, a rented place, or wherever you choose. Your girls need you, you're their mum, they won't care in the long run, you just need to be safe.

If he walks out of his job, big deal. There is tax credits and benefits that will help you. I've never experienced domestic abuse thank god, but have obviously dealt with a lot in my job. Your bravery is amazing. I am a single mum though, and have been for 13 years. If I can do it, anyone can!

Name im also glad you are sounding more positive.

Thank you fluffy I really appreciate it - I should be getting back to work next week so with my own wages and benefits I should be able to get something

Thank you Darkest! hope you're ok X

Thank you Kitten, that all sounds very familiar! I'm glad you're out too X

TheName, do you think your daughter pretended to be ill? You might think you're keeping things from her but I bet she either senses something or actually, really doesn't like being with her Dad.

Can I just add, I was 17 when I left abusive ex with ds1, if I can do it at 17 then you can now, I might not have been married but I had to plan my escape with miltary prosition,(think I spelt both wrong).

So many people saying you can do this, and you can, don't let the twat grind you down xx

TheName, I know I'm your voice of sobering reality - and I fully accept I am coming to your situation from a very different one, but I do need you to understand the legal process (because that's what we're all suffering from here).

You can leave the marriage. There are no T&Cs.

That's what STBXH did.

I just have to cope. There are no T&Cs.

But I will say this: as a 'dependent' spouse, the financial hardship the other spouse can inflict on us is shocking.

I'm in touch with women left, right and centre, who have 'reasonable', and sometimes (like me) high-earning husbands.

We are all being financially starved.

There is a pot of gold at the end of divorce (most of the time). But until they co-operate, you have to just accept the 'benefits system', whether supplied by the state, or by way of periodical payments (maintenance!), which is 'needs-based'.

It's not easy. But divorce ends. The minute you decide you want out of the marriage, the marriage is over. There is no 'half-way house'. There are no 'T&Cs"

Whether or not it is you, or my STBXH, who makes the decision. I've always been 'full and frank' about my situation. My thread caused you anxiety.

We're both women coming out of very difficult situations. I 'know' your story, because I 'know' mine. They are, almost, remarkably similar.

My husband went apoplectic at me because, and I quote "You didn't even ask me about my dick issues".

I didn't know he had 'dick issues'. There was a number of very successive good reasons for that.

But he still sites in the divorce petition his 'dick issues'.

Please, love, we're similar ages, married to similar men. Please, love, just find a way.

WWK.

"You didn't even ask me about my dick issues"

Err, how can you ask him about something you didn't know existed? It is not up to you to second guess everything about him, it is up to him to communicate what he is thinking and feeling. You are not a mind reader, and he is no swami. What an idiot, it always comes back to them and their dicks .

I think they should be chopped off, that'd solve his problem! Fecking ejit!

Hahaha dick issues! Or rather a dick with issues thanks wwk

Good point shitatusernames, I don't think so but then I guess the girls don't enjoy time out alone with him as much as he thinks they do. (Love my girls ) just wish I'd made better Dad choices for them

He was telling me tonight, or rather asking me hadn't I thought it through, divorcing him, and he'd end up with a blonde with a tight arse and I'd end up with Greg the plumber - and then wouldn't it hurt me to think of the girls going off for the weekend with him and the tight arsed blonde.

He also told me I may very well regret this in ten years, what would I say when the girls turn round and so 'mum, why were you so averse to working things out with poor Dad?' 'Did you really need to divorce?'

Ho hum!

The girls don't mention you fuckwit, Ever! And when you do show up they're nervous and on edge, so no, I think they'll be very grateful in ten years time that I did this for them!

he'd end up with a blonde with a tight arse and I'd end up with Greg the plumber

WTF, can he read the future now?!?! What a fuckwit. He is trying to sell you a disastrous future to keep you where you are. Tell him "I've read that many, many, many women and their children are so much happier and healthier when they've divorced, and many men end up sad and lonely in a bedsit, still unable to figure out what went wrong in their marriages." As I've written before, more manipulation, more crap, more bullshit. What an arse.

He also told me I may very well regret this in ten years, what would I say when the girls turn round and so 'mum, why were you so averse to working things out with poor Dad?' 'Did you really need to divorce?'

Actually, most children of divorce don't say this to their parents, most of them say "Why didn't you divorce sooner?" He has much to learn about divorce, and you will teach him Name .

thanks zazzles! I know, I did have a little laugh to myself. I'm neither blonde nor tight of arse so he was really trying to 'scare' me....wooohhhh - well it didn't work, he could end up with a plethora of tight arsed blondes for all I care, Greg the plumber sounds bloody lovely in comparison !

Yy to that too, my best friend is the only child of divorced parents, she loves them both but can see their faults and understands exactly why they divorced when she was 9. Prick!

You know Greg the plumber is fit, toned, kind, loving, generous, great in bed and doesn't have a mean bone in his body or dick issues right? Oh and is pretty well off too!! Yep, Greg the plumber is out there somewhere for you once you d got this prat out if your life for good!

Roll on Greg the plumber!

Ive seen some quite sexy plumbers actually

Hahaha, we are all looking for our own metaphorical Greg the Plumber's, aren't we?

Anyone else already feeling sorry for tight arsed blondes the world over?

Thinking of you, time for a new thread and a new chapter to your divorce. You will get there, you have overcome so much already, you can and will get there eventually xxx