Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

That shit he came out with the other day about understanding the bloke who killed his family? That is an implied threat. That alone should be enough to legally keep him on the other side of the threshold. If the law is genuinely not on your side (which i doubt), the day he is about to move back in, bugger off to a refuge. He is not in charge now.

I think you should take Mitzie List with you and add anything else you can think off or comes to you over the weekend.

I think the police will have a different view to your solicitor.

What Beyondthe said above ^ Also, the driving like a maniac with you in the car was surely putting you in extreme danger?

Yes agreed and thanks everyone before my solicitor post and afterwards.

So the solicitor's right when she says things need to kick off to get an emergency injunction in place, otherwise you're stuck building a case for an order that he would be well aware of and able to put his case against forward and then like wwk says making him bloody incandescent - she doesn't want to put me through all of that and therefore put me further at risk by having no protection in place for a few months.

Still no word from him.

Not that I have protection in place now either! oh god this is such a difficult situation for women in this position, it really is - yes there's always a refuge, I know, but even the WA women said that can make things harder and more difficult in terms of divorce.

This is why women cave in - but if I act nice and compliant while it all just ticks along in the background for now up until it can't be hidden anymore from him and he's got a decree nisi in his hands then I think that's what I'm going to have to do - which will also make him incandescent as will anything involving me breaking away will but if that then makes him kick off dangerously then I will have all my police support in place which I will find out about on Monday.

That abusive fucker, he's put me through hell for years and he's not going to win this - he's lost me - I'm must in damage limitation mode right now.

Zazzle's and Mitzi's posts are FANTASTIC! Really powerful stuff.

I second printing out Mitzi's list - plus more, whenever you've got the detachment to identify points - for both the police and the solicitor. It's great that the cops are giving you a full interview, well done A police report could very well give your solicitor the oomph she seems to be lacking. If it doesn't, complain to her boss that she's not suitable for a case involving DV.

That abusive fucker, he's put me through hell for years and he's not going to win this - he's lost me

Too bloody right! xx

The thing is though name - even with nothing currently in place i.e - restraining orders, non mols etc... She should have at least some basic sense to try and attempt to help you keep him out.
Her understanding of your discomfort and frustration is quite simply, not fucking good enough imo.
I'm also absolutely disgusted at the price the other solicitors want to view a file. For the sake of fuck! No wonder many many poor women become stuck and can't see a way out :(

The thing with acting nice and compliant is that HE will see this as weakness and try to monopolise - ultimately risking he becomes MORE dangerous when he realises you don't mean what you've been forced to play along with.
Keep your wits about you at all times and stay safe lovely Xx

And...don't forget the calling the AA is an attempt to blacken your name, pre-the actual serving of papers. All part of the abuse.

My list was only from the first few pages of the first post. There's lots more. Do go through and read it again, TheName, and make a list of the bad things to mention to the police. Especially the one Beyond mentioned, about that bloke who killed his family.

That abusive fucker, he's put me through hell for years and he's not going to win this - he's lost me - I'm must in damage limitation mode right now.

Too bloody right.

Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely right. They don't stop trying to control everything just because they are out of the house and into divorce.

It is the most surreal thing in the world divorcing someone who still thinks you're supplicant to them. It must come as quite a shock when they learn you have rights too. But they'll still believe you're not entitled to them, or their 'rights' are more important than yours. They become absolutely full of righteous indignation, and nothing and no-one, can get them to see sense.

I can't stress enough to you, and anyone reading your thread, that you have to practically break your own back to accommodate the hurricane that is their righteous indignation. They will pull the most astonishing stunts, and woe betide you if you retaliate in any way.

They escalate everything in order to punish you for whatever misdemeanors they perceive you have committed [Like breathing the same air as them].

So you really do have to become this paragon of virtue no matter how many of your buttons they press. It's a living nightmare, but it ends.

And it will provide some giggles along they way.

Take care x.

Hi Name
Just caught up on the goings on this week, your head must be spinning mate. You are on a new unknown road now, but in terms of being nice to et rid of him it is a road well traveled. I don't know enough about solicitors to comment but I think until he really "outs" himself, it is difficult to prove just how much of an arse he is capable of being, but he has slipped up with your mum and I do believe in time, he will show everyone else too.
You ARE amazing and Strong and WONDERFUL, I think you have come so far honey, hang on in there, he is wriggling like a worm on the line, well done you! I think in time you are going to inspire so many unhappy people like yourself to stand up and take charge, your girls will respect you for this when they are old enough to understand. As always matie, huge hugs xxx

I thought the definition of Domestic Violence had been widened (last year?) to include emotional abuse? In which case, yes, he has committed, and continue to commit, crimes.

Yes there's that too Carbe he's already complained about being deceived for at least a month while I waited for the papers to be ready to serve - and now I'm being put in the position of 'deceiving' him again waiting for the decree nisi to be granted.

And then there was the sneaky snog I had.

It begs the question, why the hell is he still hanging around? I wouldn't. I wouldn't start blubbering all over my BIL that 'I'm not putting this on you know' if he was sitting with H waiting for me to come and get my stuff.

I would be like, oh shit divorce papers out of the blue? He clearly means it then, think I'll leave him well and truly alone, lick my wounds and get myself 'real' legal representation.

I.e behave with dignity.

Too true wwk

Thanks Anyone, really appreciated

I thought that too Jux, though I think it's still a grey area in law in terms of proof.

Again Thank you Mitzi, I think I will print your post off to have with me when the police come and will add to it with everything else

Yes remembered Ribena and Beyond, thank you

Thanks Garlic

when you see the Police, OP, do tell them about the manic driving episode. Also that sinister comment about understanding men who slaughter their families. And the spitting, of course.

Sadly not, Jux. There are laws about stalking and harrassment etc, but no specific crime about emotional abuse within relationships - although it is currently a hot topic in parliament.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-28860213

The situation facing TheName and me, and many, many, many women in our situation (divorcing, or splitting up the family after co-habitation) is the realisation that any action we take, comes whalloping back at us at a million miles an hour.

I know my STBXH is in my town at the moment. He has not attempted to come to my home, but if he does it's 999 straightaway, no hesitation - that's the advice of the police. And he has never been physically abusive. But it's the sitting here in fear that it could happen that causes my suffering. I've got myself in the mindset of trying not to imagine the worst-case scenario, but to just be practical if it should happen. Most of the time, my worst-case scenarios never materialise, and so effectively I 'harass' myself! But I'm ready for anything.

Even if we are right to take preventative action, we know that when we go down that route, there will be consequences. They can and do hit back at us so hard. Most women in this situation have the children's welfare to protect as well. It is, quite frankly, a horrifying parallel universe where doing nothing is the best course of action. It's definitely not the easiest one though.

Thank heavens for people like Mitzi in this world, that was a lovely thing to do, but gosh, at the other end of the spectrum is that lemon of a solicitor you have, OP.

Glad to see you are still so strong and clear.

I will Grandmama

Agreed completely Mexican

Wwk thank you I'm with you in spirit fucking bastards

Hi Name, Just want to suggest that you might want to ask for a Crime Prevention officer to visit you and secure your home and give advice about safety. Raise it on Monday if it isn't discussed. Point out that you are worried about being targetted because of perceived threats whose impact is all very real to you, etc.

Take care, and have a peaceful weekend.

My apologies About time it was though.

And then there was the sneaky snog I had
Oh don't for one second think that he's finished with that.

I'll bet my life he's got it filed away under - 'okay she's not doing as she's told, I now must attack'

Wait until he's finished with his 'nice guy' character and he WILL bring it up again. I'll eat my own liver if he doesn't accuse you of ending your marriage because of that guy on the end of the snog..... I'm not joking. Also expect a little bit of ''You are a slt/whoe'' etc... Also be ready for him to inform your parents too - there's no limit to how low they are prepared to stoop name.
He will become desperate to blame something and that will certainly be one of the things he hangs on to.

WWK - Sorry your ex Ahole is within close enough proximity to make you anxious. Lets hope the fucker breaks his legs (like within the next hour) so he can't physically come anywhere near you. Xx

I CANNOT believe what that solicitor has written. She is living proof that brains and common sense are two different things FFS!

I dont mean to scare Name or anyone else by saying this but i wonder how much arse covering has gone on in the past when other solicitors have done this or similar and its ended in tragedy.

JESUS WEPT.

I can Dark - the fact is, that he does have the right to live there, as a joint owner or tenant [Human Rights law believe it or not!].

However, the situation is utterly toxic.

Judges won't evict someone on the basis that the other person doesn't want them there. You'd be amazed at how many divorcing spouses are forced to continue living together either because neither of them can afford to leave, or because he/she has rights. Until you get to the negotiation of the divorce settlement, there is nothing to compel a change in the situation.

And of course, anything you do to compel a change, just ramps up the anger of the other person, who then plots their retaliation.

Emotionally abusive men will do anything to cause harm. That's their 'thing'.

And on and on the cycle goes.

I too wonder how much tragedy it does cause - I can imagine a lot.

That's why emotional abuse needs to be made a crime. So that the fuckers can be kept out of the FMH because the kids are in the middle of this. It's pure hell for everyone.

Solicitors are not about common sense - they are about advising what can be done within the legal system.

YY Wellwho it does need to be made a crime and somewhere in the legislation they need to include consequences for family members who collude with an abuser as well as consequences for the abuser.