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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 02/09/2014 18:49

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thanks
OP posts:
Annarose2014 · 27/09/2014 14:50

God Almighty. What is going on in that house?

Are you going to really sleep in the same bed as someone you've just filed divorce papers against??? This is madness!

inlectorecumbit · 27/09/2014 14:52

Yes to the spare room
yes to a "headache" before family dinner.
He is back but you are not together. You can insist that you are living separately and stop the laundry cooking etc-that way he may just realise that you are serious. he is probably thinking everything is back on track-give him a few weeks before he reverts to form.
KOKO you will get there Flowers

Star8369 · 27/09/2014 15:06

Can you not move in with your parents?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/09/2014 15:09

Oh name :( Flowers

One suggestion, i dont know how feasible it is, or if others here will advise against it. Make it clear to people (his family if you can, more likely your family) that you are not trying again, he is refusing to let you end the marriage, because he is that controlling of you.

Ffs, who fucking refuses to let their partner end a relationship. Only the bad 'uns, thats who.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/09/2014 15:10

Why would a refuge be so much worse than this btw?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/09/2014 15:13

One last thing (before i fill up the thread). Sex with coercion is rape. So if that happens (has happened?), get it logged.

Rape within marriage = violent crime = him out

Of course im not saying you should let him with a view to this, but i'm thinking odds are, an emotionally abusvie cunt like your husband has already done it.

Annarose2014 · 27/09/2014 15:15

I just don't get what happened. Did he just turn up and say "Boo Hooooo! ......I'm staying"??

Have you told him today you don't love him? Have you told him that in fact, you hate him?

How can you go from saying "Fuck Off" to him when you're outside having a fag, to this? Can't you still try saying "Fuck Off", at least???

Earsareconstantlyringing · 27/09/2014 15:15

Oh sweetheart, don't let this temporary situation set you back. I can absolutely understand how you're feeling, but you're still a million miles further on from where you were. If he has moved back in, make it clear, in whatever ways you possibly can, that this is NOT a reconciliation. It's the only option available to you to co-parent and so there's a roof over both of your heads. Does he genuinely think this is you agreeing to one last chance, or is he just trying to play you - I can't work out if he's a desperate man (albeit a nasty piece of work) clutching at straws because he's finally worked out that he's about to lose everything he allegedly holds dear, or does he know full well what's going on and just wants to make it difficult?

I only ask this as my exH and I had to live together, but separately, for months after we separated. He would veer from being cold and hostile, refusing to speak to me or be in the same room, to being suddenly warm and assuming that because we were both still there, there was the potential to keep going. There was no threat of violence, I never ever felt in danger, just overwhelmingly sad. I managed to rent a house for myself and my son, and it was only then that I was properly taken seriously - before then, it was like silly Ears is just having a drama. I wasn't.

You simply can't be in the same house as him now. You're frightened, you're having your voice taken away and he will be using all the tricks in the book to convince you to do the opposite of what your heart desperately wants to. Is there anywhere you can go? I know you've mentioned a refuge before - does now feel the right time? Could you go to a friends' or heaven forbid, your parents? As hard as it is, you need the distance from him to regain your focus and regain your strength. You simply cannot play happy families. Feign a stomach upset or a bad head and sit it out. It sounds like your 'family' time was often spent apart, so let tonight be one of those nights.

Sending you all the love in the world. Don't lose your fight. Accept that today is a bad day but focus on tomorrow, and the day after and the day after. He won't control you for much longer.

xxx

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/09/2014 15:18

Name. Please get the hell out of there. This will not end well.

Sandthorn · 27/09/2014 15:31

Agree with PPs... You must move into the spare room. If you think you're doing the girls a favour by keeping up appearances, you're wrong. They won't be fooled, and it'll only wreck their heads more when you go your separate ways.

Your solicitor hasn't got what she wanted. I know you're disappointed that she couldn't fix this horrible situation, but she has no choice but to play by the rules. She may have persuaded you that you had no legal grounds to keep him out of the house, but she also put it to you weeks ago that you need to be living separately in the house, otherwise you could derail the whole process. If you can't maintain that while you're in the house together, then I'm afraid you need to pack your things and get out, however unfair we all know that to be. Sad

Darkesteyes · 27/09/2014 15:44

Oh Name im so sorry to see that he is back there. I agree with others. At the very least move into the spare room so you have some space away from the bastard. Sad

thenamehaschanged · 27/09/2014 15:54

It has happened beyond Sad

I was devastated and have told the FP lady. She told me to put it behind me, I am being extremely emotionally abused - to tell the police all about it, to tell the solicitor and to form an exit plan.

He threatened suicide and walking out of his job Anna - he said he wouldn't be able to go on if he didn't see his kids - I know everyone else's abusers have said this but I couldn't take it - I knew though that letting him back wasn't going to stop the divorce though, so I felt I could handle it and keep some distance.

I am so glad the police are coming on Monday. So glad. Get some RL legal perspective and support.

I am then going to talk to my solicitor about these implications of going into a refuge that WA and she mentioned before.

I am feeling strong enough to tell him that I am not comfortable sharing a room.

Floored people. Absolutely floored. If I had the right to keep him away I would have exercised it. I would have felt so reassured and relieved but he's clever, he 'knows' not to kick off on the doorstep.

Don't worry I'm going to be ok and I'm going to get through this, just another set back on a long road that's all.

And no more men for me after this!

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 27/09/2014 15:54

Oh God how utterly awful for you. I do know, I had the same for many years, hence my name. I moved into the spare room, stopped cooking, cleaning and washing for him. Life was utterly dismal and I also had suicidal thoughts, added to that stress, he put me thousands in debt by freezing my/our bank accounts. You have no idea how bloody furious I was that I could not touch my own money.... Angry

Just mentally tick each day off as it passes. Every day gone is a day closer to this being over.

Can you go to your GP and see if you can get some support. I ended up on ADs, which did help.

On a happier note, I am now single and getting on with ex much better.

It will be hard, but you will get there eventually. Just try to detach as much as possible and keep out of the house whenever you can. Wine and {{hugs}}

augustusglupe · 27/09/2014 15:56

Name, you've come so far! I'm wondering what happened last night to change everything this much? What the hell did he say? Agree that you should let everyone know that this isn't the situation that you want. Please, please don't go to the 'family meal'!! Confused Flowers

Annarose2014 · 27/09/2014 16:00

You don't have to ask your solicitor about the implications of going into a refuge. She's not gonna tell you to go into one, is she? She believes in appeasement more than Neville bloody Chamberlain.

What the fuck have you to lose at this stage exactly? Nothing. Christ alive, you are being tortured in your own home.

How much worse can it fucking get? Just get a place and go. You've gone beyond the point of anything to lose.

Oh and if you think that having him in your home and in your head won't jeapordise the divorce? Come on. Thats his next aim - "to get Name to instruct her solicitor to call it off". All he needs is a bit of time and uninterrupted access.

Annarose2014 · 27/09/2014 16:04

Sorry, I don't mean to sound hard. You described us before as a lot of big sisters, and I would talk like that to my sister, I'm afraid!

INeedABiggerBoat · 27/09/2014 16:05

Name your update is utterly heartbreaking. Please think very hard about going into a refuge - surely it can't be worse than being raped by your abusive H. I messaged you a little while ago when you were first thinking about going to a refuge - my offer still stands and if you need help with the practicalities I'm sure there are a raft of London-based MN-ers, including myself, who would be happy to help. I'm sure it feels like you are alone in this hell right now but you have a huge army of MN-ers willing you on, and if we can help lessen the burden we will do.

Ilovefluffysheep · 27/09/2014 16:06

Name, if you're saying what I think you're saying (the sex under coercion bit) then please please tell the police. That is rape, he can be dealt with for that. I'm not saying it would necessarily end up going to court, these things are always extremely difficult,one word against the other, lack of forensic evidence etc, but that is something to worry about later down the line.

For now, if he were arrested, then he could be given bail conditions not to come to the address, not to contact you etc. If he broke these he would be arrested for breaching his bail. Again, I know what I'm talking about as I am a police officer.

You have lots of evidence you can give the police of ongoing emotional evidence - obviously some of it will simply be verbal evidence, you recounting incidents that have happened (that list that a poster made you a couple of pages back would be really helpful). However, there is also the text messages/emails he has sent you since you split up - you can show that you have asked him to leave you alone and he has consistently hounded you until you have had to give in because it was too much to cope with.

Did he make the suicide threats/threats to walk out of his job by text or email? Great if he did, more evidence to show the police.

There isn't just the sex aspect, there is the spitting - again, this is assault. Potentially, there is also harassment, as previously mentioned with the texts/emails etc.

The police should be on your side, and if you get an officer that doesn't seem that interested (I hope you don't, but unfortunately, there are some that give all the rest of us a bad name) then ask to see a different one, ask to see a specialist domestic abuse officer, or even ask for a sergeant. To be honest, him getting arrested would definitely be a positive as bail conditions would really help you, and not only that, would also assist towards getting a non-mol.

GarlicSeptimus · 27/09/2014 16:08

As you say, Name, you want & need RL outside perspective. You will get this in a refuge, plus informed & expert support.
Go for it.
Please.

hillyhilly · 27/09/2014 16:18

Oh Name, he's manipulated you yet again hasn't he? Don't worry, this will be a hiatus not the end of your steps to freedom.
Do not go out for a "family dinner" - you are not that family any longer. If he wants to he can take the girls out, or you can but you no longer do things together as a four as you're getting divorced - right? Besides, going out for family dinners has hardly been a pleasure in the past has it?
I feel so sorry for you, I know this weekend will be hell but keep your eyes on the end goal, if a refuge gets you there then fine, do it.
Although he is living there, that does not mean you have to live there with him as his wife - at the very least, you sleep with one of the girls as you have been for weeks I think. Do not let him think that he has 'won' you can repeat like a stuck record whatever phrase works best for you "we're no longer together so no thank you"

myroomisatip · 27/09/2014 16:19

If you have the option of a refuge I would strongly urge you, like pps, to go. As someone has mentioned, he will put you under enormous pressure to cancel this divorce. :(

Mine did. I went through 3 attempts, 3 solicitors, until I finally found a solicitor who understood my situation. I think yours doesn't. At all. I was lucky in that my Ex eventually gave up with the pressure and was just prepared to carry on living like strangers :( I really was at the end of my tether and in desperation went to the CAB where I was lucky to meet my solicitor there. I would happily recommend her, she was excellent.

ballsballsballs · 27/09/2014 16:19

Big hugs, lovely. Flowers

Earsareconstantlyringing · 27/09/2014 16:19

Name, as FluffySheep says, if you're saying that he coerced you last night, please, please talk to someone. He is wearing you down and is determined to dictate what happens next. Don't let him. Raise the alarm today, get help and get away from him. He thinks he's smart and he thinks he's one step ahead, but he isn't, he's completely underestimated you and the situation you're in. If he did something last night that truly overstepped the mark, now is the time to draw a line and say that it is not acceptable, you won't stand for it and this is the final straw.

We're all here to support you. Stay strong, and shout for help from those who can give it.

Darkesteyes · 27/09/2014 16:20

As PPs have said and also please please mention to them his comments regarding other men who have committed family annihilation Please please go to a refuge. Thanks

petalsandstars · 27/09/2014 16:22

Everything ilovefluffysheep said. With bells on. Please make the call and tell the police. Even if you just have time to literally say to them "I was raped last night" they already have your number and address on file. They will come to you and it will be a priority. And bail conditions could be your best tactic for nc for a bit if you can't face a refuge, otherwise a refuge will only add strength to your case surely.