Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

[thenamehaschanged]

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

I don't know atm - I don't want to remain in the marital home but something about it legally if I leave - I honestly don't know, but will be finding out on Monday - because the law really isn't what I think it is - protect yourself by leaving and then end up with nothing kind of thing. In the scratchy advice I've had from various sources including WA, solicitor and a couple of people at the FP - DON'T leave the house is the resounding message so I need to know really, exactly why - again not because I want to stay here but because I could end up with very little.

A small price to pay I guess.

I'm probably talking out of my arse while H talks up it

Name, you need to get out of there. Don't stay. Just go. Listen to those of us who have survived and are in one piece. Don't underestimate him. If you were my real life friend I would be at your house packing up your stuff and helping you go.

One thing name, i wanted to say that I believe you can do this.

Now this bit isnt by any means me saying you should stay! But if after Monday you did decide to stay, either to wait it out or try at the relationship again, please dont feel you cant post as yourself (as a lot of women do). We know here that it very often takes more than one attempt to leave an abusive relationship.

Erm ... not a lawyer caveat. I really can't see how going to a refuge would make it harder to claim the marital home! That line of thinking applies to a spouse who moves out into their weekend house, or who's in a position to independently afford a second family home. The law then, reasonably, supposes you'll be adequately housed even if you don't get the original home.

If you go to a refuge, a B&B, a friend's spare room or somesuch, then it is clear you've been so keen to exit the relationship that you've taken up temporary accommodation.

Added to which, going into a refuge emphasises your need for support. Not the other way around. You're given higher priority for all sorts of assistance.

Plus, it IS rape. You know it is

So....you stay, and smile, and appease, and get him worming into your head day after day? Believe me, he has in no way forgotten about the divorce petition.

No fucking house is worth this. No house, and no "legal position" is worth your sanity.

You are married. You have financial rights under law. End of.

Ping moment... The shit hot lawyer hasnt gotten confused somewhere about his rented flat and your owned house, and thinks that you are jointly renting? (In which case, yes - if you leave, after a period of time, joint tenancy could be changed to just him)

Don't feel guilty lovely, you've done NOTHING wrong.

I honestly think he's worn you down and pretty much stunned you into not thinking straight. His mission accomplished the bastard!

I'm not sure how you plan this to play out, can you really pretend until the divorce comes through? however long that takes? Then what? Will one of you simply say goodbye and toddle off to a new house/new life.
The divorce going through won't matter to him name, he will NEVER willingly allow you to leave. I know that YOU know this.
I truthfully think you're going to have to go to a refuge honey, at some point. Whether it be in one week, one month or six months down the line. I know it's scary but you need to be ready for that.
You need to get over the shock/devastation that he's returned and have a good think.

P.s - I know you don't want to go to the Police now but if at any point you refuse sex with him and he makes you - it's rape, husband or not it's rape and you've every right to go to the police. You wouldn't be wasting their time, you wouldn't be 'crying' rape and it would be his own fault, he wouldn't physically be able to come near you.
Please take care.
Good luck for Monday Xxx

You are married. You have financial rights under law. End of.

I left him properly 6 months later. It had no "implications" on my divorce, or anything.

... have to inform Social Services, as I was willingly keeping a child in a domestic abuse situation

Yes, these are real-world comments Name. Not some silly tosh made up by people who don't know better.

That said, I'm aware it might feel as though I'm putting pressure on you - and you've got enough of that! Do what you feel you must, but for god's sake stay in touch with your support agencies. And remember he is NOT right. He's wrong all the way down the line, and you are perfectly entitled to say No to anything, to call the cops, and to piss off to a Travelodge with the kids if you want.

Ok well please be very careful until you see the Police on Monday. May I ask if you are on the house deeds?

Really sorry to hear your news Name - we understand it was never going to be easy. You have nothing to apologise for. But please do seriously consider a refuge.

May I ask if you are on the house deeds?

It doesn't matter - they are married. She would be entitled to half of the proceeds no matter what.

I wonder if shes looking at it with a view to you staying in the house permanently, rather than selling. Cause you did say you'd sell anyway, didnt you?

Oh petal, that's just so utterly shit! Rape is rape is rape, no matter what he says!! Please report him, hopefully he can then be where such an animal deserves to be - behind bars! And if you cant get him out the house then sod it, take you and your girls off to the refuge, you bein safe and away from him is far more important than any other consideration, please put yourself and your girls first and leave. Someone up thread offered to help, I'd drive you there if it meant you got away to somewhere safe! Please take care of yourself x

ahhh OP I cant add to what the others have said. I just want you to know I am here urging you on.

I really cant see how going to a refuge can adversely affect your situation. :( Actually I think if you explained to WA about the coercive sex it might make things easier even.

Maybe go and see your GP and explain how bad things are for you.

Stay strong. It really is just a matter of time. You need to hang on to what you want for your future and let the malestrom carry on around you. I so wish you well.

If it was a case of leaving made you intentionally homeless and not entitled to housisng help I don't think this applies if you have to leave because of abuse, but it's not long till Monday when you can hopefully get answers to all your questions.

If you are in the slightest bit concerned phone 999 please.

Name, delurking to say that you are so much stronger than you think you are.

This situation will end. You are doing so well and you can do this.

There are so many people here for you. You are not alone xx

Hi Name,

I don't want to bombard you, but just passing this along as it might be something you can look at now rather than waiting to speak to your solicitor or the police.

They work with WA and Refuge as well as the police.

There's a free, fast 24 hr service to obtain an emergency injunction through the National Centre for Domestic Abuse. Here's their free emergency telephone number Phone: 0844 8044 999. or TEXT NCDV to 60777 and they will call back.

It might be worth talking to them to see if they can help.

You don't need to wait until Monday to report that you are afraid.

www.ncdv.org.uk

www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/

The National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) provides a free, fast emergency injunction service to survivors of domestic violence regardless of their financial circumstances, race, gender or sexual orientation.

Our service allows anyone to apply for an injunction within 24 hours of first contact (in most circumstances). We work in close partnership with the police, local firms of solicitors and other support agencies (Refuge, Women’s Aid etc) to help survivors obtain speedy protection.

name I am so so sorry to hear your latest news

When I read your excerpt from your solicitor's letter I sat open-mouthed - it was almost word for word a letter which I received from my solicitor when I went through my separation and divorce. So much so that I nearly clambered into the loft to retrieve it. I wonder whether it is a 'standard' advice letter to those of us in just such a situation.

Anyway, here is my story. I will try to keep it short and I hope you find it useful and that it will give you strength and, more importantly, hope

I, like you, decided I wanted out of my marriage (mine wasn't nearly as bad as yours but it was wrong and time to separate). My exH was beside himself, incredulous, disbelieving and 'shattered'. We cried, we screamed and he pleaded and begged. I gave him an ultimatum (details irrelevant) which he could not adhere to. I therefore informed him that this was the end, no more 'trying' and we agreed that he would look for somewhere else to live for the time and then look to sell the house and go our separate ways. I consulted a solicitor (against his wishes and this was the catalyst) who started the ball rolling. He was cross about this but still in agreement that he should move out. However, after speaking to a bunch of divorced wankers colleagues - he decided to change tack entirely and the abuse began. And worsened day on day. Threats to beat me, pinning me down and telling me he would rape me (it was his right, as my husband to 'take' me when he wished), threats to report me to Social Services for child abuse, drug taking (does paracetamol count?!) and alcoholism (again, a glass of bubbles at Xmas ) I emailed my solicitor informing them that his behaviour was escalating and outlining his threats.

That is when I received the 'word for word' letter that you did. I thought, that is it, I am powerless, I just need to dig deep and not wind him up. Or should I stop ALL of this? Should I throw in the towel and stay put? I resolved to KOKO with the separation. He ramped it up.

He assaulted me whilst I was drying our toddler after his bath.

With the help of family I escaped the house the next day (he'd locked us in the house but I'd hidden a spare key to the patio doors). I rang the solictor who immediately escalated my case to their senior family law partner. She called the police. He was arrested but claimed I had attacked him and our toddler DS was nowhere near the scene, the fucking lying bastard.

We went to court where the judge, although 'not of a mind' to grant me an occupation order (you gotta love judge-speak) strongly advised exH to leave the property until the divorce settlement was finalised. ie to do what we could have done from the beginning.

exH left but a couple of weeks later informed me, by getting right up into my face and pointing his fat finger at me (the twat) that when he got back from working abroad, he would move back into the house. He said he would do this on Xmas eve - 'ha, no fucking solicitors or judges will be there to help you. There is fuck all you can do about it and I WILL MAKE YOU FUCKING PAY FOR ALL OF THIS'

The day after he left to go abroad for work, I wrote an email to my solicitor outlining the above and to inform her that I would be leaving the marital home. I would not put my children's safety and my own in jeopardy any longer. If that put me in a weaker position in claiming the asset to which I was entitled then so be it - I would walk away from everything if necessary. I found a beautiful rented place for the children and I. exH came home to an empty house. I was free.

Sorry for the intense ramble but it actually feels kind of good to write it down (7 years after the event) but here's the thing, it made not a jot, not a single ounce of difference to the divorce settlement that I wasn't in the marital home - NOT ONE FUCKING JOT

Ask your solicitor to tell you exactly why you and your children have to remain in a property in which you fear for your safety. I would inform her that it is her job to get you what you are legally entitled to and not to have you living in fear just to make her job a little easier.

Now? Here I am, 7 years down the line in MY house - a little 3 bed semi. My children and I could not be happier.

I wish this for you.

This will be you x

Sassy

Name we are all rooting for you

Just a thought Name my lovely, we're virtually at the end of this thread, so start a new one to make sure we can all support you still. Stay strong, stay focussed. This WILL come to an end.

Name, at one point you thought you could get a place in a Refuge. Please do that. You are not safe and your children are not safe.

Sorry to state it so baldly, but you're not.

OK Name, you are on a very rocky part of the divorce rollercoaster and he has had a minor win by moving back into the marital home. This may affect you emotionally at the moment, but it does not derail the divorce plans you had in place. All it does is change the divorce game plan. Take a few days to regroup, and replan accordingly.

As to the living situation, it sounds like you have to play the "Divorce Game" at the moment. Have no doubt, this is a "Game", and a Game that you can win, if you plan and implement as we have been discussing. Take note of what Sassy has written, as men like Captain Cockhead can and will escalate the abuse when the going gets tough.

There is a concept I have learn recently call 'parallel planning', which means while you are planning the divorce, you are also planning for the contingency of having to move out of the marital home at short notice for your own and the DC's safety. Do some parallel planning on this and any other issues which have the possibility of cropping up - then you will be as well prepared as you can be.

Keep writing and keep moving towards zero Name, you have been doing brilliantly, and there was bound to be this moment, when things take a step or two backwards. You might be at -10 emotionally, but in term of planning for the divorce, you are still further forward than you were at the start. OK, so he has moved back in, that probably puts you at -6, still loads better than before. Do not fall over at this hurdle, it is just another hoop you have to jump on the way to Divorce Bliss and Happy Ever After. This is an obstacle to overcome, not an immoveable roadblock ending your plans. (Apologies for shouting ) Remember that.

And by the way you are strong, never, ever doubt that, you just have no idea how strong you can be, because you have never had to call on that strength before. No one ever knows how strong they are until the time comes for them to dig down deep and find those reserves of strength, that they never even knew they had. Trust me, I have had my own personal trauma, and had to literally fight for my life in a physical, psychological and emotional sense, and I know how deep you are going to have to dig. In your life so far, this will appear to be the fight of your life, and you are more than capable of doing this. As I've said before babe, show us how its done, dig deep, that strength is there .

And I am sending you strength, courage and , to deal with the next steps Name, something I haven't had to do so far, because you have shown yourself so, so masterful and capable. KOKO, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and starting planning and acting again .

sassy you absolute gem.

name I thinks it's time to pass your details on to the abuse specialist divorce lawyers. Stop listening to a lawyer who does not see your safety as a priority.

You can be free. It will happen. Xxx