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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 02/09/2014 18:49

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thanks
OP posts:
Star8369 · 27/09/2014 11:27

How are you today name?

thenamehaschanged · 27/09/2014 13:09

Not so great Star but thanks for checking on me Thanks he's back Sad and is currently out with the girls swimming.

I've still got the police obviously on Monday, the FP on Tuesday, my solicitor, some RL friends and all of you....but I'm not strong enough to deal with him alone. I have succombed to letting him move back, the tears and pleading and begging and promising and veiled and not so veiled threats have become too much.

I am koko'ing though, it just has to be behind the scenes with him here now.

There just isn't enough support out there for women like me, where nothing 'bad' has happened yet - no contact doesn't work while I'm still in our house with his kids and still married to him, there's nothing I can do about it other than leave and make my life a million times harder. He has every right to be here and he knows it.

I need to do what I need to do as per the solicitors advise but that just means I'm in a situation of building back up to it all again behind his back.

I'll be honest I've had a few suicidal thoughts - I would never, ever seriously contemplate it but my mind keeps going round and round of how am I ever going to get out of this.

And he's not back living separately either, there's just no way - he's back, he's unbelievably grateful to be back, he's been taught a big lesson, and it's us all the way now.

I am speechless, not just in the shocked sense but literally I don't have a voice in this. Other women might think FFS just tell him to fuck off to the spare room, don't talk to him, make it clear the divorce is very much under way and that you are imposing strict boundaries within the house.....yeah right, come and meet my H then. You live with him for 17 years and then come back and tell me how easy that is!

I know 100% that it's all going to turn to shit soon enough (it already is obviously) so don't worry I'm really not entertaining thoughts of staying together - just feeling dread and set back at having to face up to him again soon enough.

No point talking to my solicitor on Monday, she's got what she wanted.

Still every cloud, we're taking the kids out for a family dinner later Sad

OP posts:
thenamehaschanged · 27/09/2014 13:12

Zazzles this makes me a -10 again today! Thanks

OP posts:
IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 27/09/2014 13:22

Good luck and please be very careful.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/09/2014 13:24

So sorry. Flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/09/2014 13:27

How awful, name! Shock I hope others can give you some advice on logistics on how to safely avoid and say no.
Thinking of you. Thanks

Futurebird · 27/09/2014 13:28

You'll get there. I'm so sorry, you were so elated. It will happen for you. Hopefully he'll slip up, you'll get better legal advice and he'll be gone. Xxxxxxx

orangefusion · 27/09/2014 13:28

Oh Name, that is awful. Is there really no way you can leave? I have a picture of him in my minds eye with a smug grin tickling his face as he thinks he was won, it makes me want to weep for you.

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 13:29

OP I saw your update. You have been on some journey in these last few weeks and I think now you're wiser and stronger than ever before. I think in some respects you have changed as a person for the better and your awareness on marital abuse has increased greatly.

I think your husband will also realise this now too. Has he said yes to the freedom programme or for getting any sort of help?

augustusglupe · 27/09/2014 13:29

Name, I didn't want to read and run, I feel a massive sinking feeling reading this, but only for your state of mind at the mo and not because I think your situation is hopeless.
I think yes, you've probably done what you've had to do re DH at the mo and him having rights moving back. Make sure you have that meeting with the police on Monday and please try and speak to your Solicitor. I think you'll feel better then.
This will all work out and you will get rid of him. I can only imagine what crap he's coming out with, he's an abuser and is bloody good at it. I can only say that I really, really would not start doing family meals and so on, your giving him what he wants love and you are so much stronger than that. You've done so well with all this, please KOKO!! Much love and strength zooming your way!! xx

gamerchick · 27/09/2014 13:32

Honestly you will get shot of him eventually.

For the minute though don't play his game of happy familys. He's got back in under duress.

No family dinner later on.. feign a headache at the last minute and let him take the kids then sit down with a battle plan.

Do nothing for him in the house and speak to him with icy politeness and when the kids not around, contempt and don't sleep all night in the same bed if he insists on starting out that way (been there).

This place you feel trapped in at the minute there is a way out. .. you need a plan and yes it sounds as if you need to leave as he's obviously thick as pig shit if he thinks forcing somebody to stay with him is healthy. I was lucky as mine didn't have any rights over the house as I know it would have took me longer to get rid of him.

GarlicSeptimus · 27/09/2014 13:35

Name, I am so very sorry :(

You're not beaten! It's just another turn on this very twisty path.
When the hell will the law/authorities/society realise that IF IT'S THIS MUCH OF A BATTLE to end a marriage, the marriage is abusive? People who respect their spouses - or even care about them a little bit - don't just ignore a divorce petition and carry on regardless!

Please call Women's Aid. They will have advice for you.
xxx

WellWhoKnew · 27/09/2014 13:38

Hi TheName

Can you consider ringing the refuge now? You said that option was always open to you, and now it's time to take it up if you can. Yes, it will make him angry, but he's chosen to move back and and he's chosen that you should play happy families. You haven't chosen this - and there's a real risk now that he will keep choosing for you.

He is going to get angry any which way as soon as you stop co-operating in any way that he perceives.

You say you don't have a voice in this. Just find the quiet whisper and pick up that phone. Time for you to get out and rely on the experts to hold you hand and walk you away from this. You don't have to be dealing with this alone and there will be consequences - but surely now you're at the critical point where they have to be accepted. Because it has to be better than the alternative which is suffocating in silence.

Take care - it will get better. Promise.

petalsandstars · 27/09/2014 13:40

Oh name that is about the worst thing for him to do!
You do get a choice though - I know it's tough really tough. But you can choose to separate yourself - don't do his laundry, cooking, no family meals out where you will be berated. He might be back in the house but that doesn't mean you can't still end the relationship.

He doesn't get to decide that for you.

And if he kicks off at all 999

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 27/09/2014 13:48

Refuge definitely. This will give a clear message to him, solicitor, your family, his family, the world, that you are deadly serious. If you move out of the house, then he may (or may be advised to) move out so the DCs have normality and you can move back in again. Going out with him is dancing to his tune and if you carry on with the divorce proceedings you will have to go through the whole thing again when he realises this.
Time to take the bull by the horns in this Name, I bet you would not be in the refuge long in reality.

MexicanSpringtime · 27/09/2014 13:59

Another one here thinking that surely the refuge must better than this. Good luck OP.

MothershipG · 27/09/2014 14:08

If you can't bring yourself to go to a refuge why don't you move into the spare room? I know it may feel like he has 'won' the bedroom but consider it a tactical retreat.

How did he manage to manipulate you to agree to go out for a family dinner?

And remember even if this is the worst of times, you have started divorce proceedings, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may be a pin prick right now but keep going and you will get there. Flowers

GarlicSeptimus · 27/09/2014 14:10

No idea whether this will help you, but I found it a useful reminder: He doesn't get to decide whether he's in a marriage with you. Marriages involve two continuously consenting adults. If one spouse terminates their consent, the marriage has ended.

Legally, you shouldn't share meals, domestic duties or a bed. (Like many other divorcing couples we did share them, but not until I was sure he had a replacement lined up was on board with the process.)

trackrBird · 27/09/2014 14:11

This is all wrong, Name. :(

I've never known of anyone leaving an abusive marriage by serving papers, and then staying in the house with the abuser.... until something happens.

This is what refuges are for. Please talk to WA, Name, at least: the situation you're in is neither reasonable nor sustainable.

Ilovefluffysheep · 27/09/2014 14:14

I'm so sorry Name.

I agree with what everyone else says, please consider the Refuge. Definitely don't engage with him, and don't go out playing happy families. Think of not just the effect on you, but on your girls as well, its going to be extremely confusing for them.

If you don't want to phone the refuge, how about calling the Freedom Project lady? She seems to be supportive, as she was willing to come home with you the other day.

This is an awful situation, and I really feel for you. Please keep posting on here, there seems to be loads of lovely people able to give fab advice.

Twinklestein · 27/09/2014 14:15

Absolutely you must move to the spare room. It's not up to him, he doesn't get to decide whether you stay married or where you sleep.

If you don't he will get completely the wrong idea.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 27/09/2014 14:18

The refuge has always been an option and was offered as a possibility for when you had the documents served. I honestly think you should take it up now before his mask slips again.

He's not contrite and he's not grateful that you allowed him back in the family home, he'll just find yet new and inventive ways of punishing you.

I fear this will not end well if you don't get the hell out of there.

mulberrybag · 27/09/2014 14:23

oh you poor poor love. can feel the desperate tone of your message. thinking of you Name. you are a strong amazing woman even if you don't feel it right now and you will find a way. try not to be too hard on yourself xx

JimmyItAintCricket · 27/09/2014 14:26

Hi again, I don't know where you are, Name, but the Met website might be useful. They see DV as a Hate Crime so it's worth a look. There's information about Clare's Law too.

content.met.police.uk/Site/communitysafetyunit

content.met.police.uk/Article/Hate-Crime/1400004907593/1400004907593

content.met.police.uk/Article/Domestic-Violence-Disclosure-Scheme---Clares-Law/1400022792812/1400022792812

HTH

JimmyItAintCricket · 27/09/2014 14:41

I've posted the CPS definition of DV taken from here. As I read it, emotional abuse is already prosecuted (although I might be wrong).

www.cps.gov.uk/publications/prosecution/domestic/domv_guidance.html#a02

The explanatory text says more.

The Government definition of domestic violence is:

"any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality".

An adult is defined as any person aged 18 years or over. Family members are defined as mother, father, son, daughter, brother, sister and grandparents whether directly related, in-laws or step-family.

The definition is supported by an explanatory text:

"The definition acknowledges that domestic violence can go beyond actual physical violence. It can also involve emotional abuse, the destruction of a spouse's or partner's property, their isolation from friends, family or other potential sources of support, control over access to money, personal items, food, transportation, the telephone and stalking. Violence will often be witnessed by children and there is an overlap between the abuse of women and abuse (physical and sexual) of children. The wide adverse effects of living with domestic violence for children must be recognised as a child protection issue. They link to poor educational achievement, social exclusion and to juvenile crime, substance misuse, mental health problems and homelessness from running away. It is acknowledged that domestic violence and abuse can also manifest itself through the actions of immediate and extended family members through the perpetration of illegal activities, such as forced marriage, so-called 'honour crimes' and female genital mutilation. Extended family members may condone or even share in the pattern of abuse."
..........

Domestic violence is widely recognised as being a pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour, through which the perpetrator seeks to exert power over the victim. Whatever form it takes, domestic violence is rarely a one-off incident. It is often a series of incidents, including those of greater and lesser severity but often increasing in frequency and seriousness which may have a cumulative impact on the victim.

Victims of domestic violence suffer on many levels including deterioration to their health, loss of housing and disruption to education. They may lose the freedom to live their lives how they want, without fear. Pregnancy itself is may be a trigger for the beginning or acceleration of violence.

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