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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate!

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 02/09/2014 18:49

I can't copy and paste a link rather annoyingly - but this is my follow on thread from my original How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

It burst at the seams with all the fantastic MN support I received and so I have started a new one as I carry on my journey of divorcing my very abusive husband.

Thanks
OP posts:
BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/09/2014 16:34

oh sweety, i knew it :( bastard :(

Honestly? Fuck the implications, fuck the lawyer and (for now) fuck the divorce.

Just pack up and go, midnight flit if you have to. Nothing that can happen can be worse than how broken you sound right now. Flowers

Ilovefluffysheep · 27/09/2014 16:39

I wasn't sure if name meant last night, I kind of thought she meant in the past.

If it was last night call the police NOW. There will be forensic evidence that can be collected, and that needs to be done ASAP.

educatingarti · 27/09/2014 16:53

"There just isn't enough support out there for women like me, where nothing 'bad' has happened yet"

"It has happened beyond"

If I had the right to keep him away I would have exercised it.

From your solicitor ^'On this basis, I advised that while H returning to the property may be frustrating and rather uncomfortable for you all, on the basis of your current instructions, you are not at risk of suffering imminent harm. However, if H's behaviour should deteriorate at all, we will need to reconsider whether an application is required at that stage. Please therefore keep me up to date on any developments."

De-lurking here to say please listen to fluffy sheep and petals and stars and others. Something 'bad' has now happened sufficient to keep him away. Please act on it and don't lose the 10 days you get to get an emergency order.

captainmummy · 27/09/2014 16:55

Name - don't tell him that you are not comfortable sharing a room. - tell him you are NOT sharing a room!. Big difference.

KOKO

Darkesteyes · 27/09/2014 17:03

Oh Christ ive obviously missed that. Bit dopey today (time of the month) Name please go to the police.

CarbeDiem · 27/09/2014 17:12

Oh name, I'm sorry.
I knew the bastard would exercise his rights to be in the house, it was just a matter of time :(

Name, if you're saying what I think you are then going to the police is an option available to you and it WILL keep him out.
If you don't want to this time, it's understandable but please please if he attempts to touch you again (or worse) please consider it.
How would you feel if one day, one of your daughters was in this exact same situation - being forced to have sexual relations with an abusive monster - think for a moment what you would say and listen to yourself.

On a practical note - can you pack a bag ready for you and dd's in case anything kicks off, then you can remove yourself then call the police.
Does he think the divorce is actually off?

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 27/09/2014 17:13

I can't call the police fluffy. No way. Crying rape and getting the old blues and twos over, especially when I effectively consented to it, albeit from a very weakened position - well, my days would be numbered after that.

I will tell the police on Monday though - I will show them all the emails and texts and explain everything.

This is me having all the power taken away from me anyway possible. I totally understand.

It actually feels shameful to be an abuse 'victim'. You feel weak, spineless, a complete pushover, that you don't mean what you say.

They're back and 'luckily' dd1 isn't feeling well so there will be no meal out thankfully. Bless her! She's fine just a tummy ache.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 27/09/2014 17:16

No ones talking about the divorce at the moment carbe - I think he's brushed it aside as just a silly idea I had - he doesn't realise that it can still tick on quietly for now.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 27/09/2014 17:16

Is there any chance of a refuge place tonight?

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/09/2014 17:20

Its not crying rape though, no matter what he would say, you know there is no doubt that in his head he knew you didnt want sex. This isnt some young bloke who isnt sure whether you were as in to it as he thought, this is someone who knows how much you hate him, and who is exercising his power over you.

Ilovefluffysheep · 27/09/2014 17:21

Why would your days be numbered?

You're not crying rape if that's what happened, and if your consent wasn't freely given, but was forced or coerced, then that is what happened. I'm so so sorry that you are going through this. Only you know what you can take at the moment, but I would honestly urge you to reconsider regarding the police. They're there to help, not hinder, and it really sounds like you need all the help you can get at the moment.

Darkesteyes · 27/09/2014 17:22

Name it was coerced sex and that is a form of rape. Please please consider a refuge.......my God hes a monster. Sad

petalsandstars · 27/09/2014 17:26

Ok - monday it is. So strategies to get through tomorrow? Is DD's tumny bug catching - can you shut yourself in the spare room to rest/recover/not pass it on? Or get out to see a friend/ have someone else over? Have lots of groceries to get?

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 27/09/2014 17:30

Why won't you go to a refuge?

RandomMess · 27/09/2014 17:38

Just huge huge hugs, speak to the police tell them it was coerced sex that you are too afraid to say no.

Annarose2014 · 27/09/2014 17:43

She's never gonna call the police on him guys, its not going to happen. We need to stop bothering her about that.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 27/09/2014 17:43

Downtheroad Because I'm still of the belief that things are manageable and that this all I know.
Because I have been told a refuge makes things difficult in regards to divorce though I am not sure how, something about leaving the marital home.
Because I'm scared to do something like that.
Because I think with some help on Monday I might hear some other ways of going about this.

Fluffy I'm scared he would take revenge.

I'm in a bit of a mess people. I need to gather my thoughts.

Thank you so so much for all your continued support, I feel guilty taking it and not really acting on it immediately, but I will soon, next week is a new week X

OP posts:
trackrBird · 27/09/2014 17:50

Please don't feel guilty, Name, no need at all
Thinking of you. This thread is here for you no matter what Flowers

Ilovefluffysheep · 27/09/2014 17:52

He kind of already has though hasn't he (taken his revenge I mean)? He has manipulated you in order to be able to come home, and coerced you into having sex with him. And now he has done it once, he is very likely to try it again, and will use the fact you have "given in" once to try again and again.

If he was on bail conditions he would be hard pushed to exact any revenge, as he wouldn't be allowed home or to contact you. And to be honest, what could he do that's worse than he has already?

He is trying to break you name, please please don't let him. You are strong, you can do this.

Darkesteyes · 27/09/2014 17:53

No need for guilt at all You have NOTHING to feel guilty about Thanks

Darkesteyes · 27/09/2014 17:55

Name are you on any contraception Im asking because maybe hes got the idea to try and "trap" you into staying with him by getting you pregnant.

PoppyField · 27/09/2014 17:55

Hi Name,

So sorry you're going through this. Hang on in there. Don't feel guilty about the perceived expectations of MN. We are all with you and rooting for you. You can gather your strength.

Have you been able to tell your parents? Or anyone in RL who will help you, be with you? Can you find some RL support? Sounds like you could do with some RL handholding. Or are you too afraid to have someone round? Have a think about who that person would be and ring them... have them round for a cup of tea. Hope that is possible...

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 27/09/2014 17:58

The advice is always here, whether or not you choose to act on it. Only you know your particular situation and how you feel is the best way to handle things.

One thing I'm slightly confused about, why are you so set on keeping the matrimonial home? A fresh start somewhere else perhaps?

Speak to FP and WA about what financial asssistance you are entitled to if you have to leave and please be careful.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 27/09/2014 18:15

Monday :) let us know if you want to think through anything for mondays meeting, get some lists drawn up x

Something perhaps for you to think on though for now...?
If a refuge genuinely makes anything difficult regarding divorce, then the divorce can wait. It is not urgent. Its a piece of paper, yes it signifies that you are tied to him, but that is it, you are NOT tied to him. Getting out of his physical presence however, is urgent.
Divorce is only urgent if you have someone else you plan on marrying Wink

The house. Yes, you wont be able to sell it right this second, but neither will he. Again, it can wait.

Fuck his job, his problem.

auntpetunia · 27/09/2014 18:19

Oh name what a shit thing to happen. Please call the police it's not crying rape it is rape! If you go to A&E and just get the evidence collected then you can tell the police on Monday. By Monday having had a bath or several to wipe the bastard of you will have removed the evidence. Please call the refuge and get out.