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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

thank you all, because now I'm safe

235 replies

helpmekeepstrong · 12/08/2014 00:01

Having been in an abusive relationship and afraid, I started to read Mumsnet. Over a period of months, I began to understand that my life wasn't as it should be. I read more and more threads and came to the conclusion that leaving was going to be a very frightening thing to do. I contacted the DV helpline and started the process. I would never have had the courage to involve the police, living in a very tight and protected community.
I quietly planned, with my sisters, via email, how to get away. Even e-mailing was frightening and secretive. I have no family here, in the UK. I had one friend left and she in the next county. I had my husband with me 24/7 and yet, even living in one caravan, under his nose, quietly, I managed to pack enough clothes and documents. My friend came for me in her car and I got away. He didn't even see me go, we were that quick. I even managed to take my little dog with me.
Now I am hoping to find a place in a refuge and then to house myself and start again. I'm 58 years old and beginning a new life.
Thank you Mumsnet for the threads that saved me.
I have had some days of peace which have been wonderful.
Tonight I had a message that he wants to talk to me. I don't want to talk to him.
So I will not.
Any of you, reading this and wondering if you can..... you can.
If I did it, it is surely possible for you.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 22/08/2014 09:14

Great post longtall! Hear hear ! You will be a huge support to women fleeing dv op, because you have been there.

You are a huge inspiration op - blardy WELL DONE for what you have done, it is momentous. Bravo Flowers

Chin up, you have excellent rl support - not least your wonderful friend; kids, refuge (even though aspects of it can be challenging) ... and US, the MN vipers Grin. We may not be RL but we're real iyswim.

Huge admiration for you, you are marvellous. Keep going precious Flowers Flowers Flowers Cake Tardis Bike Cake

PS I also fled an abusive relationship decades ago. I know the fear and the sorrow and joy and loneliness - KOKO - keep on keeping on xx

springydaffs · 22/08/2014 09:17

Wow! Great post blue

tipsytrifle · 22/08/2014 11:31

strong - you are awesome! The story of your escape had me on the edge of my seat, holding my breath. You're a wonderful soul and when you get through the awkwardness and frustration of building a new life, when you are reunited with your dog-friend, then you will be able to find a huuuuge inner smile of pure triumph.

Blue - fantastic and inspirational post!

Meerka · 22/08/2014 12:18

strong rooting for you too. Keep on keeping on. Remember your freedom

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 22/08/2014 12:40

Just wanted to say how amazing you are, you've been so brave! I knowing that at the moment everything must seem very frightening and overwhelming, but you will get through it, one step at a time.

Good luck to you and your little dog on a string :)

MaidenDevon · 22/08/2014 13:00

OP, you will never know how many others you have inspired and given that little bit of courage to make the first step on their journey. Thanks

My DM did the same thing when she was 60 after a 30 year abusive marriage. The straw that broke the camel's back for her was her DH (my stepfather) told her she wouldn't be seeing her adult children on Mothering Sunday. We were practically NC anyway due to his behaviour and abuse and that was the day she knew she had to make the choice.

She waited until he took an afternoon nap, picked up her handbag and phone as if to go to the shops and never went back. That was 5 months ago. I do not recognise the woman she has become - funny, vibrant, loving and content Smile. I got my mum back after 30 years. I was 8 when she married him Sad.

A couple of things I find help during the dark times:

Don't look back, you're not going that way.

At any given moment, you have the power to say "this is not how the story is going to end".

Best of luck to you and your little dog.

Littlefish · 22/08/2014 14:46

helpmekeepstrong you are an amazing woman. One day, another person on Mumsnet will read this thread and it will give them the strength to leave their abusive relationship.

In the meantime I wish you strength, patience and happiness.

wombat22 · 22/08/2014 17:28

You are doing so well helpkeepmestrong Don't be too hard on yourself for still having feelings for your ex. For every bad memory there are sure to be some good ones but you know that you have made the right decision. Sadly we can't be there to give you a hug when you're feeling low, but we are here to listen to you, offer what support we can and send you loads of virtual love. You are not alone. Thanks

Inertia · 22/08/2014 22:25

A Friday night hug and happy wishes from me just in case you happen to be looking at your phone Flowers

lostinindia · 22/08/2014 22:47

Another wishing you well this Friday evening.

Follyfoot · 22/08/2014 23:04

You wonderful brave woman Flowers

And in those moments when you waver, remember: real love isnt frightening, it doesnt have a temper and you dont have to run from it. That's not how real love feels.

In a week, I will have been free for 17 years. It's the most wonderful feeling still. You will get there, promise x

Dubmam · 22/08/2014 23:39

Wow, well done you. Onwards & upwards and enjoy every moment. Xx

Original poster
helpmekeepstrong · 24/08/2014 15:19

A chance on the internet today.
Just thank you so much everyone! I just had time to read the replies since Friday and I feel so glad that I reached out to you!
Today is much more positive. My Period of Easement is sorted out for the next 13 weeks with the DWP. I have an appointment with the GP to see if I can get counselling. I have started to write about my experiences and feelings which is working wonders. My stepson has in touch, he is doing ok but it would seem that his Dad has dissolved into a pool of self pity and he has, to some extent, washed his hands of him. (The self pity means it is unlikely he will come after me - not that he'd find me if he did.)
I am determined to look back and remember all the new things I have learned and seen when I went into my husband's world. To remember the strength I had to adapt to a new way of life. To remember the laughter and love and caring when things were ok. I cannot allow myself to dwell on the things I have lost. Acknowledge, yes, but not regret. The future is my home now and the past must stay where it belongs.
One day at a time, for the moment.
My sisters have, very much, stepped into the role of Big Sisters and sending lots of good advice.
My Support Worker is motivational, encouraging, energetic and effective.
My little dog is making new friends and in very safe hands with my friend. She had been chipped and her inoculations up-dated.
Onward and upward! Always.
Thank you Mumsnetters - you are an inspiration!

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 24/08/2014 15:33

Just read this thread for first time - you sound amazing! Best wishes for your happy future!

Selks · 24/08/2014 16:44

Great to hear your update. Keep at it, one day at a time. Smile

BibiBlocksbergv2 · 24/08/2014 19:32

What a story OP, so so glad you got away, very inspiring. Just wanted to add my tuppence worth re shared accomodation.

It might be worth considering - I currently live in a house share with one other (at the grand old age of 39 lol) and its fine. I have two cats and unexpectly found that there were a lot more people willing to accept or at least consider them than when I looked at private rentals on my own.

Also very reasonable price wise (for my area of the country anyway) £150 deposit, £350 a month rent (including all bills)

Might be manageable in terms of housing benefit as well depending on what your local housing allowance is like for shared accomodation.

Well done again, am sure you'll have a lovely home sorted by his Christmas, having a drink under the tree with friends and your little dog by your side :)

Chottie · 24/08/2014 19:38

I've just read this thread. strong wishing you happiness as you start your new life. I'm so glad to know you are now living the life you deserve :)

CarryOnDancing · 24/08/2014 21:50

How amazing to think that someone will have just read your thread and will now be that bit closer to getting out of an abusive situation. They may even be packing their bags right now!

I wish you every happiness in your new life with your children. I am so sorry that the journey out of this is so lonely and difficult but I really hope you will keep posting for support and to encourage others to follow you.

WiggleGinger · 24/08/2014 22:06

This is fantastic news! Xxxxxxz

Follyfoot · 24/08/2014 22:29

Wonderful news, your whole new - lovely - life is waiting for you Flowers

springydaffs · 25/08/2014 00:37

Wonderful news! Flowers Flowers

You're sounding so grounded, so positive. Brilliant!

Solo · 25/08/2014 01:46

This has made me smile! Grin well done of your positivity!!

Meerka · 25/08/2014 08:29

Hope you have a good week this week, strong :)

Lweji · 25/08/2014 11:50

So glad you're feeling better. :)

You will probably have some darker days again, but hopefully they will be fewer and fewer and you know you have the strength to get over it.

I'm sure you will have a very happy life from now on.

longtallsally2 · 26/08/2014 10:44

Strong - you are wisely named, and you write beautifully too. Please do keep on posting, albeit occasionally. Your posts will give other people hope and inspiration, and help them to feel stronger too.