thank you all, because now I'm safe

[helpmekeepstrong]

Having been in an abusive relationship and afraid, I started to read Mumsnet. Over a period of months, I began to understand that my life wasn't as it should be. I read more and more threads and came to the conclusion that leaving was going to be a very frightening thing to do. I contacted the DV helpline and started the process. I would never have had the courage to involve the police, living in a very tight and protected community.
I quietly planned, with my sisters, via email, how to get away. Even e-mailing was frightening and secretive. I have no family here, in the UK. I had one friend left and she in the next county. I had my husband with me 24/7 and yet, even living in one caravan, under his nose, quietly, I managed to pack enough clothes and documents. My friend came for me in her car and I got away. He didn't even see me go, we were that quick. I even managed to take my little dog with me.
Now I am hoping to find a place in a refuge and then to house myself and start again. I'm 58 years old and beginning a new life.
Thank you Mumsnet for the threads that saved me.
I have had some days of peace which have been wonderful.
Tonight I had a message that he wants to talk to me. I don't want to talk to him.
So I will not.
Any of you, reading this and wondering if you can..... you can.
If I did it, it is surely possible for you.

Have you tried the WA forum as well?

Keep on, you won't give up. I am asp completely inspired by your strength and bravery. A happy life is ahead.

*asp = also

Helpme, what an inspirational story.

I can understand why things feel tough now, but this is a new beginning, away from fear and violence. You have been tremendously brave

Is there anybody at the refuge who can guide you through the system and explain what allowances and benefits you are entitled to? Can your daughters help you at all, even just a bit of company?

It's great that you have a library so close by. Please forgive me if this sounds trite /patronising, but can you use the library facilities and the freedom you have now to learn some skills which may help you ? A series of short term targets with something to aim for- perhaps getting up to date with the latest versions of new technology (I don't know what you had access to in your previous home/life)?

Very best wishes, we'll be rooting for you. When you feel lonely, just imagine a gaggle (?? not sure what the collective noun would be ) of mumsnetters cheering you on from the other side of the screen, and imploring you to keep going with your new life and bright future.

oh poppysqueak I'm so sad. I miss my little dog. She is in good hands though, with my friend. I felt so scared with my case in the wheelie bin and was so cheered by all the Mumsnetters kind and supportive messages. Nights like tonight I wonder how I'm ever to get through. Hearing the others in the refuge having to bid for houses on the council website for themselves and their children, never getting to speak to a human being about their housing needs or why their bid hadn't been successful. Some have been here five months and still not allocated suitable housing. I feel that I'm right in Catch 22. I must live here because I have nowhere else to go. I cannot work because I wouldn't ever be able to afford the rent of this refuge (steep, because it must take into account the cost of the support workers) unless I accept the housing benefit offered to an unemployed resident. I know it's only early days and I'm sure things will get better. I feel so lost, and not at all like the brave person who first posted here.

Could you afford to rent a room somewhere?

But a one bed flat might come up through the council, which may not be ok for mums. Keep trying.

Would you be happy to change location? Some councils may be less subscribed and you could be lucky.

Wow, what an inspiration.

CAB should be able to advise and what benefits you're entitled to. And you should be priority for a council place. Once you get your own place you will feel a lot better. Settled, secure, safe, be able to start making plans.

Inertia I do use the library, it is a lifeline. My housemate showing me how to link my phone to the laptop has enabled me to link to mumsnet without having to type on my pathetic Samsung phone screen too! I am, as my big sisters in Australia and New Zealand say, 'an educated, articulate and talented woman'. I just don't sound like it at the moment or feel like it either. My emotions are all over the place and tears are never far from the surface. We have support workers in house, during office hours and I have a meeting with one tomorrow. Rules are quite strict here, which I am coming to terms with. I am 58, vulnerable, and I feel like a fool. That's hard to deal with and I feel lost.

You surely did 'being brave' in a huuuuge way so any wobbles and fraidyness now still leave you in brave credit :)
You cannot go back. You must not look back. The world is yours. Any procedural difficulties are just that. You will overcome those. Yes there will be obstacles but they can be overcome without risking your life.

You know those football rattles? I'm mentally shaking mine :)

Dear OP. You are no fool. You are so brave, although you're not feeling it right now. But my heart was in my mouth when I read your story of escape...what courage that must have taken.
I will post more tomorrow, I want to add my encouragement to everyone else's on here. Just take one day at a time. It will feel new and scary right now, but it will get easier and better I promise you.
One thing to hold on to tonight - you can sleep safely tonight, nobody will hurt you, shout at you, terrorise you. You are safe. Sleep well. X

Oh Lweji , no. I have nothing. Just the bit of money that my sister put into my account to help me with the first weeks. No sign yet of any benefit payment. My credit history is a complete wreck with having to have taken payday loans to keep me and him afloat in the last 18 months. I have four, I think, outstanding in my name. He was not eligible. So there is no chance at all of me going into the private sector of rented property.

I just wanted to add to all the messages... Well done you brave courageous woman.....Wishing you much happiness, tranquility and love with your family... Every day is a new brighter day for you and I know you'll find the peace and security you deserve. Xx

Well done OP, you are very brave

Just wanted to pop on to say make sure you discuss a 'Period of Easement'when you claim JSA. Depending on where you are in the UK, smaller offices are not always aware of it. It basically gives you a bit of breathing space at the start of your claim where you don't have to meet the full conditionality job seeking wise, due to fleeing domestic violence.
Take it, don't decline it as even though I'm sure you're very keen to look for work, some staff are very keen on sanctioning you for not doing enough. Just a word of caution. PM me if you need to.

HauntedNoddyCar Selks Thank you both. I guess I was brave to leave in the way that I did. But, do you see, he is the love of my life. I can't get past that.... yet. I will, of course, get past it and I won't go back but that is what makes it all so sad. I miss him so much because I am remembering all the times he loved me... and there were so many.
OH! FFS! Get a grip girl! You don't miss his temper and you don't miss the fear! Onward and upward. Too much introspection tonight.... get to bed and tomorrow is a new day.
Nite the Mumsnetters, you support means more than I can say. Each and every one of you x

SpringItOn PM and thanks x

Good for you help :) stay strong.

When I left my abusive first exh, he promised he'd change; be a good husband etc, so I went back. For 2 weeks he was different, but I was always on edge worrying about his mood, worrying about the next assault etc. And then one night, I was sitting up in bed and he said as he walked around to his side "you'll never leave me again because if you do, I'll burn the house down" and I was a very scared 22yo, so I stayed for another 4 years until I found the courage to end it finally. They don't change help so never ever think that returning is a good option.

Good luck to you in your new found freedom.

Well done OP, you have done the right thing.

I left my abusive ex in 2010, taking my daughter and moving into refuge. It was the best move I ever made. I had no money either, no nothing, I claimed JSA and registered myself homeless with the council, but only after I had taken time to catch my breath after leaving. Four months later I bid on a little 2 bed property and 'won' it.

Since leaving I have gone from strength to strength. I am now in full time employment and not only have a job but a career, me daughter is healthy and happy and I have never been happier.

My advice to you would be to treat yourself kindly, don't rush or push yourself to leave refuge until you are ready. Embrace the experience and take all the support available while you are in there, this will help reassure you and build your confidence.

Your housing needs will be taken into consideration when you register homeless and you will probably be eligible to bid on a one bed property, of which there are usually plenty. Only move into your own place when you feel ready, when you feel strong enough. From there you can look for work, or training if you feel your skills are outdated, this will enable to you to seek employment with confidence and also give you a valuable addition to your CV. There is support available every step of the way, you just have to ask. Don't worry yourself by over thinking, as soon as something pops into your head, seek an answer from someone.

I made plans and set goals whilst in refuge, to remind me that my situation was temporary, a stepping stone. Always try to look ahead and not back, apart from to congratulate yourself on how far you have come. You have a great future ahead of you, exciting and abuse free. When I read your post about getting up, putting the kettle on before going for a walk, it reminded me of the early days and how wonderful it was to be free. Free to do whatever you like without fear. That's you now, for the rest of your life

Congratulations! You are a brave woman!

I had a somewhat similar experience to Solo, as I kicked out exH by phoning the police and then I took him back after much pleading.
Two days later he threatened to take his life along with mine and DS's, and within a couple of hours I had left him, like you (no bag and no plan, though), with DS.

They do not change and they are dangerous.

If anything, remember this about your now ex. He is dangerous.

Think of the siren calls from greek mythology. They sound beautiful and very appealing, but you will shipwrek and will die.

You don't depend on him to feel good about yourself. And I doubt you will ever feel as bad again as you did with him.

Take some time. Find out again what things you enjoy doing. Take pleasure in life.

My goodness OP what a wonderfully brave lady you are, you are such an inspiration to others and I am in awe.

Your feeling a little low right now and having a wobble which is understandable but keep going, keep making small strides towards your brand new future.

I know you won't want to say where you are in the UK but I'm in South Gloucestershire, so if you're around theses parts, pm me as I make a good walking companion and I'll even bring cake :) xxx

I just wanted to say how fabulously well I think you've done to come this far. These next couple of weeks will probably be the most difficult, in that all you really want to do is go home, to what's familiar. But you mustn't because the things that made you leave will still be there. Something will come up on the council housing list for you. Things will happen, one step at a time, and possibly slowly, but they will happen. Use the library - read lots of books, join groups for things, walking, cycling (? cheap secondhand bike can be as little as £1 on Ebay!). Use the communal areas of your refuge as much as possible to stop you feeling so lonely, and in a few weeks, I think you'll suddenly see that the grey clouds have gone and the sun is shining a bit.

Just keep going. This is definitely the hardest part.

I will I could do it for you, but all I can do is send my thoughts and support. I would give you a big hug if I could.

Good luck and good wishes from me. It's normal to cycle though highs and lows when you're doing something this big. Glad you've got a refuge place and that you're getting support.

Interesting that you talk about him being the love of your life. An abusive relationship characterised by the sadistic and minute level of control you describe will have triggered a very strong wish to survive in you. Wouldn't want you to divert your attention from the practical things you need to get on with your life but, when you have a minute, you might find this article about Stockholm Syndrome illuminating and relevant.

Sending and and and lots of admiration OP - for you and for our wonderful refuge system (and our wonderful libraries too!).

It is still very early days for you, and I would echo others advice to take it slowly, a day at a time. The flat will come. Good days with your dds will come. In the meantime, set small goals, and tick them off - and be proud of yourself - when you have done them.

And you have already started to give back, with this thread. Maybe, once you are settled, you will be able to volunteer with a refuge near you and to help other women going through the same journey. You will be an inspiration to them, just as you are on this thread. Keep on posting

I wish I could give you a hug, you amazing, brave woman. A refuge is exactly that, a refuge from the world and the hurt and pain he has caused you. Take refuge as long as you need it- the day will come when you feel strong enough to make plans to move on.

You write beautifully by the way - it wouldn't surprise me if you were to use that talent in the future.

Keep strong and good luck my love .

My local librarian told me about one of her customers (?right word?), a woman in her eighties, who one day came in and told the librarian she wouldn't be using the library anymore.

For her whole adult life she'd been married to an abusive bully who controlled every aspect of her life. He'd made her life a fearful misery. But in her eighties she'd found the strength to get away. Her daughter had helped her find a little house to rent 100s of miles away in a beautiful part of the country. The elderly lady's plan was to just disappear one day when bully husband was at one of his many clubs. He had an amazing social life while she was allowed to do very little.

She did it, moved away and never saw him again. She told my librarian friend " I may not live much longer but at least the last years of my life won't be filled with fear".

She did it in her eighties, you're a mere spring chicken of 58 in comparison. You can do it. It'll get better, darkest before the dawn and other cliches