Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hey beezlebop, it's so hard to think straight about it all.

I think they don't consciously behave badly. It's more about them needing to remain in control of every situation, we are incidental and a way of getting them what they need. So rather than unconsciously thinking 'I am going to do x, y and z and this will upset her' I suspect it's more 'I am going to do x, y and z to get me the result I want' - and most results will be something to do with staying in control. Which is why trying to explain how their behaviour makes you feel is pointless - none of it is actually about you (despite what they may say), it's all about them, and how they feel entitled to do anything they want in order to get that desired result of staying in control.

Bitbybit the passive aggressive abuse is so insidious isn't it.

How are you doing nini? Hold on in there.

Hit bitbybitbybit and Charlotte, ty for the flowers, I may use them as a weapon lol. My darling dad just came to collect his dog which we've been looking after, and fw slept downstairs with it last night. Even when dad was here the comments like "Well at least I got a cuddle" were there.

Hi ponygirl! That makes sense. It's so hard to stop trying to smooth it over and be nice like a good girl. I don't know if any of you listen to the Archers (I'm an addict) but at the moment they have an ea storyline and it's getting a little bit too close to my life to listen to. They have it spot on though. I'll be listening, and fw will here the scenes with the nasty man in and frankly I can't believe he's not embarrassed. I suppose he would say "what a foul man, I wouldn't so that!" and totally not recognise himself lol.

Very counter productive msg but I wonder what is the thing he did to you that shocked you the most? X

Sorry bitbybitbybit, did you mean me?

Sorry i meant everyone active at the moment...so you too If you want to share of course! Gotta go settle my baby to sleep quickly and I'll type my own story when i get back X

So im just gonna share some of my experiences as a "victim" of my husband's abuse...I think i probs feel the need to share in order to realise and accept this is really him.
So about a year and a half after we met, thus happened:
We had an argument at 2am and for once instead of blowing up/swearing/escalating I thought I'd take his "constructive" feedback into account and decided not to overreact. I had to do something though. So i grabbed my coat and went for a quick walk to cool down. By which time he had withdrawn in his office which he does allll the time to signal don't come talk to me (I'd usually go in anyways). But that night i thought let me stop right there if i don't it'll make things worse. I grabbed my keys and went. About 15min later i walked back home to find his car was gone! I thought never mind and so i tried to get in but the door was locked. As i tried all my keys and still couldn't open the door, I realised the house was locked from the inside. And i thought to myself "No. Please tell me he didn't"
I walked street or two away from the house to find he'd parked his car there and then went home and locked himself in. He basically wanted me to believe he had gone out.
I banged and banged on the door (even woke up some neighbours)...i had no money/travelcard/credit on my phone and I was cold. So i went walking for hours as I was freezing. He finally opened the door at 9am!!!!

I obviously went nuts and asked why he'd do this to me especially as for once, i was trying to keep out of his way n cool down. He replied "I wanted you to understand that if it wasn't for me you have no friends or family here so you must never take me or this house for granted" very calm without shouting almost apologetic I was shocked but also felt I'd crossed the line for him to do this so i apologised a few hrs later. We made love, went out for lunch and all was forgotten...
but i never have.

(sorry for the dramatic ending i enjoy writing)

bitbybit that is totally classic abuse strategy. Punishing you even further for what he saw as standing up to him, for daring to wrong-foot him. You needed a lesson to get you back into line, then straight into Mr Nice Guy so you could see just how bad your behaviour was when he is being so nice and reasonable and even forgiving you for your transgression.

Do ever realise/admit/overcome this shit??? Or do we have no choice but to leave at some stage or another? In the last 3 months I've become more à nd more paranoid...somebody is out there to get me kinda feeling...and he's my 1st suspect. How exhausting!

I'm holding on by my fingertips pony.

In my case, i'm pretty sure he is consciously behaving badly. This may not have always been the case, but it definitely is now.

bitbybit I think the only real option is to leave unfortunately. Ive been on this thread for nearly 3 years and yet to see one of these abusers actually change.

THREE YEARS???? Omg Nini ...and have you left him? Apologies as I haven't read all 900posts on here I'm begining to think it's a long journey from being abused to realising it and then finding the strength and courage to leave...
Tomorrow i have an initial session booked with a psychotherapist and I can't wait!

Hope evryone is doing okay on this (sunny) Monday. Xxx

bit that story of locking you out is horrific. You can report that police, even if it happened in the past. What if something had happened to you, mugged or attacked? It makes me furious thinking about it, but in a way it's good for you that he's shown his true colours. Or, turn it around, what if you'd deliberately locked him out (for no good reason, I mean). Wouldn't you feel so guilty about that? And what, he just thinks he did it to teach you a lesson? FFS.

beezlebop I too am an archers addict and am listening with interest. H listens as well, I'm not sure that he can see the characteristics in himself, but we don't discuss it. I'm secretly wishing they would move it along a bit as they are taking so much trouble to make the situation seem normal-ish and I could see it going on for years! Get out, Helen!

I've had a sobbing, sniveling weekend covered by a thin verneer of the most normal normality you've ever seen... minor events happened last week which resulted in me calling the solicitor and saying WTF do I do, I just want to move things along but am totally scared of his reaction. So he posted the papers to the house, with a 'divorce' letter... H went to our other place Friday night, I went home to bed. All night Friday (I'd missed them) he was calling, and left some awful messages about how selfish I was ,etc, the usual. Then they turned sad and tearful, saying he didn't think he wanted to go on living if I left him. Etc, heard it before... but I felt the weight of guilt when the letter came through the door. Then H called and said he needed a certain gardening tool out there, like REALLY needed it, and I had to bring it out immediately. Well I snapped (in my head, I snap on a regular basis however!) and thought I'd go out, dump the tool, and leave the sol's letter on the dashboard of his car (I had his spare key). But when I got there, I was in calm but burning fury mode, I realized he had guests over, friends of ours who has young kids, so I was utterly unable to do what I'd meant to do. And I got caught up in smoothing things over. So I had that letter with me all day Sunday, I could practically feel it throbbing in my handbag, but I just couldn't bring myself to give it to him. I am really worried about what he is going to do, he really has no inkling that I am totally serious about divorce (Or maybe he does, he's been very strange about money recently and has spent a great deal of our savings but this is offset by the fact he should have big fees coming in from a job).

So we drove back into London together this morning. I was the picture of domestic compliance all day yesterday but am hating myself for it. He had no care whatsoever that I had to be at work this morning, I was 4 hours late (luckily I didn't have anything pressing) but if I'd asked to come home last night or early this morning he would have erutped into anger.

So... what to do with the letter?

I was going to rent a flat, made an offer slightly under the asking price but it was turned down on Friday and as I was offering to pay 6 months upfront I decided on principle not to raise the offer..and truly I think that this is stupid, we have 2 houses, he can live in one and I in the other , I can happily live in the one he 'hates', it can be on the market and DS and I can live there while he lives in the other. then when the house sells we can split the profits. Makes sense, doesn't it?? Why am I so scared of telling him, to the point where I want to waste money by moving out to an unneccessary flat?

I'm thinking that I just leave the letter on the table and leave town, so to speak, for a few days. I just want to tell him!

The journey is only as long as you make it bitbybit, the vast majority here have come and become free a hell of a lot quicker than me. I believe you need a bit of time to grasp what an Ea abuser is all about. I'm hopefully into my final month of slavery until I too am free .

I would leave the letter and skip town for a bit thats but thats me. The cynic in me says maybe he deliberately arranged for mutual friends to be present so you would feel unable to do what you need to do. Think this must be one of those times when you need to bite the bullet and just get it over with - you're so close!

thats I think dropping him the letter and leaving town for a few days sounds good to me.Only make sure he cannot possible lock you out of thehouse you're currently staying in...he might get really furious and a mixture of other things upon reading the letter.
Maybe I'd make sure i have a place rented then slowly move my stuff there and then drop the letter with him and leave. I know that sounds a bit too "ideal" in that you d wanna leave NOW rather put all this in place. I wouldn't trust mine to do somethi g drastic Xx

Wow, thats, well done for talking to the solicitor. Wishing you strength for deciding on the delivery of the letter...

nini it has been a long journey,hasn't it? Sorry you are still having to live like that but how fantastic to be in the final stretch!

What a sh*t day I had yesterday. Didn't get to work until noon, I felt I had to sneak in furtively. I only charge for hours I work so it doesn't really matter but it doesn't look good. He went back to the other house last night so I'm glad, but I had some calls last night asking if I'd asked to go part time (he's demanding that I do this. I'm on a contract for another month but I am not sure what they'd say if I asked to go part time). I've said in the past, under duress, that I'd ask and if they said no I would quit, but only said it to keep him quiet and really never felt I could approach them.

I am so full of (the usual) rage. I've got some pressing things on this week and next at work but not a lot in the future and I'd really love to leave my job nicely and get another one-- so it's not like I'm desperate to keep my job at all costs, in fact the job is a distraction and even though its low pressure and flexible I think it may be keeping me in this 'stuck' mode, as its preventing me from being able to leave town, and to find time to see counsellors and talk to solicitor is tricky.

Hmmm. Writing it down has really clarified the issues. If I give a months notice today, that should be good will on my part as I don't have to give that much, they may turn around and tell me to go now! Or they may beg me to stay and offer me permanent position. In any case it would be a catalyst for change.

I do have a tendency (perhaps?) to play the martyr (so my mother always told me but in retrospect she is very abusive) but if I tell H I've quit my job, he can have that warm glow of satisfaction that he's won. Then I can tell him I'm quitting him too. Is that too much like a game? He's been saying for the last year that my job is too important to me and that he should be the top priority (not in so many words) and I like my job but what I've really been wanting was to look for a new job, I've put my cv together and got some great responses from agencies on potential jobs but I've been reluctant to follow them through as I need to update my portfolio and get my head interview-ready, I'd love to do this but H has held me back. And I'm 50 years old...bonus for the experience but I can't leave it much longer (H essentially tried to make it so I couldn't work again as I have a big gap on my cv, I was drawing a salary from his firm but I am not allowed to put them on my cv, I am not allowed to talk about their work as I would 'embarrass' them. OMG seeing this so clearly now, especially as he's so nice to everyone who works for them and will bend over backwards to provide references, etc, for others once they've left his firm. And here's pathetic me, struggling to get a foot in a door, he constantly reinforces my thinking that I can't get a 'real' job).

I still wish he'd just go away so I didn't have to be the bad guy doing the divorce action. He's away for a few days in the other house. I've got papers here. I could drive out and dump them, then drive off into the sunset over the weekend, having told work what's going on so I don't have to be so stressed about keeping that veneer of normality next week.

charlotte seems like ages ago that you were going through this! But you moved out first, didn't you?

He's away for a few days in the other house. I've got papers here. I could drive out and dump them, then drive off into the sunset over the weekend

Do it, thats - but don't quit your job unless you have something else to go too, that would be my advice.

Wishing you strength for the next baby step out of there, thats.

I left the house four months after separating, and had a major wobble when it seemed no landlord would look twice at me because of all my children and no job. I was very lucky though, with a landlord who took a chance and a rich brother with no family...

And yes, it does all seem so long ago now (two years next month since telling him it was over).

We're almost full up here, aren't we?

There's a new thread over here

See you on the other side!