Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Sounds a good idea Alice

i think the struggling with emotions is all part and parcel of abuse, its shuts emotions inside DC and makes them fearful of falling apart. They struggle to feel justified or get chance to learn to handle their emotions early on, and i promise you the more you do it with them the easy it gets for everyone as they learn to acknowledge and manage their feelings better.

I hope there was something helpful there, the holidays seemsa great time to do it, so you have a plan having the balance of physical exercise and trips out is really helpful. good luck with it all, and do you have some balance for you too? some evenings off perhaps? Sharing the trips out with friends?

I don't have respite at all. At least one child with me at all times. But good friends and early bedtimes means I get some downtime as well.

can one of your friends pop over and sit for an hour here and there after bed so you can go out for walk or just to visit a friend for coffee and catch a break?

Nope. They do stop by for coffee or I pop over to theirs for coffee and my dc2 goes along. As I said, I get down time in the evening for a couple hours on most evenings, so I'm okay. I'm actually functioning pretty well now. I just want to take the stress and worry away for dcs and it's frustrating that I can't - I don't look forward to this discussion.

Hey there everyone - I wanted to update you.
25 years married. DV, ea, financial abuse.....
2 years relate counselling.
I asked h to leave and he finally left at new year.

I am loving life. I have filed for divorce. I don't miss a single thing. I wish I had the strength to leave years ago. It feels as if a huge weight has been lifted. Honestly I am so happy.

FFF So pleased for you!!!!

to celebrate fff Here's to the next stage of your life :)

Brilliant news FFF! I know it's tempting to berate yourself for not doing it earlier but it's a journey and it's walking before running. Enjoy the freedom, enjoy rediscovering the little things. So pleased for you.

Thank you so much. I know how hard it is to leave but a life changing events happens and it makes you evaluate your situation.
For me it was 3 years of horrendous anxiety without his support. That was the deal breaker.
I sincerely hope that you all get your lightbulb moment. And you realise that you are worth so much more.
Your support has been invaluable thank you. Xx

Have had it up to the eyeballs with the people on a thread in Relationships where someone is saying "oh low level abuse is really just low level conflict and while technically it's abuse, it's not as serious or damaging as high level abuse and if people left relationships when low level conflict occurred, there would be no more relationships." People have been questioning the OP and attacking her because it was a short term relationship over 10 years ago. I get why they are saying she needs counselling (as I agreed) but to argue that it wasn't abuse, wasn't a relationship? Seriously?

Someone has even trotted out the "it wasn't physical or sexual abuse, he didn't force you to stay, you made no effort to leave, and you didn't recognise it as abusive at the time".... I could just scream.

Which thread is that Alice? pm me?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2328050-Feeling-sick-Abusive-ex-and-his-wife-and-child-have-moved-to-my-small-home-town-What-happens-if-I-speak-out?msgid=53132200#53132200

You have to kind of get past the fact that the OP is most likely in need of counselling to deal with this (as the counselling she initially got was not helpful, so she's reluctant to try again). It's the utter nonsense on the last few pages that is really pissing me off.

Agreed re: counselling. It's an issue I still struggle with (which I'm working through hopefully with a counsellor right now) if abuse is a definitive behaviour or only in the eye of the beholder, so to speak, or does the abused one play a role. I'd expect, if I met some playground bullies who were really horrible to me when I was young, I'd still want to smash a proverbial glass in their faces. And gloat if their lives had turned out badly or be thrust back into the role of quavering incapable loser if they were doing well. Perhaps thats why I am 5000 miles away. Sorry, off topic, I will stay away from that thread!

My turn to have a bit of a meltdown. Now divorce is official FW has asked for overnights with DS. Half expected. But he's doing it in a really goady way - I've informed him that we are going away for a week of the Easter holidays as we always do, and he's kicking up a fuss about the fact that he'll miss a Satuday with DS, apparently 'holidays are fine but I should be going on the Sunday instead of the Saturday so he doesn't miss out' . Oh, and can he have DS overnight in the week before we go.

DS is 3.5 now so I've done well to avoid overnights till now I think.

My options appear to be: agree to phasing in overnights - starting with once a month, moving to every three weeks, then every other weekend. Well, that's what I'd propose, depends on him agreeing. He currently has DS every Saturday so I can see a battle in this anyway.

Telling him DS isn't ready and to shove it which will possibly lead to a court battle, which will likely have the same outcome as above, but just delays things and creates a lot of bad feeling (and expense).

But otoh I have been having a lot of flashbacks and anxiety issues since the divorce as all the stuff that happened has been churned up again, and I feel sick at the thought of DS being in that situation, not being safe.

Don't know what to do. Am emailing my solicitor but not sure what I'm asking from her, she'll just tell me what my options are re court rather than suggesting what I should do. Didn't get much sleep last night.

Hello everyone! I'm rather shocked to see that I haven't been here for two months, having only popped in very briefly then to say hello. As you might have guessed, life is very busy here, but busy in a good, normal way, y'know? With only unexpected memories of FWery to jolt things a little.

pony, sorry to hear of all the things that the big D has been dredging up, but congratulations on another (albeit difficult) step away from the past.

I think phasing in overnights like you say sounds sensible. And his idea of starting just before the holiday does not! It is scary sending DCs to a FW, and having no idea what is happening while they're there... Presumably you already have this on Saturdays?

What is FW's idea with the overnights - is he hoping to move towards alternate weekends? Or is it just overnights for the sake of it?

Hi ladies x

I miss this thread. Been separated almost six months and in my own place with kids for 2. Family have decided 'not to take sides' and to keep a relationship with ex. Am going no contact with them - just had enough. Feels a bit weird though - literally no family left when I've cut out Mum and sister who are crap anyway.

Good vibes to all of you still planning and hoping x

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time Pony but you've made another huge step forward with the big D. I think phasing in is a good idea but if you can't get him to agree court will be the only way to go. It sounds like hes just looking to unsettle you (and maybe DS?) by throwing this into the ring at the same time as your holiday. Is he hoping you'll just give in? So maybe by pushing back he might back off?

I understand what you mean abour unsupportive family kitty. My parents have decided to do the same with my FW, despite me asking them not to contact him. I'm very hurt by that. His support network has closed ranks and too many mutual friends are shunning me.

Things are still very hard here. House sale is progressing slowly. His behaviour towards me is veiled anger. I'm also having a tough time at work with my new boss who is showing his true colours as a controlling bully. Honestly - if it wasn't for DC I would have probably killed myself by now.

Oh nini that is a pisser to have that going on at work as well. Hang on in there. It will be worth it. I'm sitting eating dinner for one and I even get to choose what's on TV!

Charlotte, it's great to know you are happy and busy with normal stuff. I am feeling a bit better and calmer now after a few days of panic, more reconcilled - I know the overnights will start at some point. Yes, already have a bit of anxiety about DS going to him on Saturdays during the day anyway but it's only a few hours really. FW has given no idea about his thoughts about overnights, he just wants them to start because he says so, so I'll need to have that discussion first (which I am anticipating as troublesome). I doubt very much he'll want EOW, he always had his DDS two overnights every single weekend but that just aint happening! It's a case of 'let's see' at the moment.

kitty sorry you have no support but that sounds like a better plan for you if their support is not really worth much anyway. Stay strong, and keep posting for support here.

nini my big D is already done and out of the way, last month. Hurrah!!! I intend to continue being sensible and reasonable about overnights, but if he won't be then yes, court it will be - but not because of me.
Really sorry to hear that your family is doing the same as kitty's, it's unthinkable that they'd not fully support you - but given that this is their attitude, it's perhaps not surprising you ended up in this relationship for so long. Do you have a buyer for you house then? Hang in there, both at home and at work. (Any chance of a new job somewhere else?)

Deck that sounds like another good one to add to the reading list. Thanks for sharing.

You're bang on about my family Pony - when you're raised to see constant emotional abuse and a lot of physical abuse as normal (from my dad no less), its almost inevitable that i'd end up like this. My sibling has gone the other way and is emotionally abusive. I keep my distance from family now - which is easy since we're several hours apart. Doesn't stop the bitterness about wanting support though.

I'm keeping my eye out for jobs but not wise at the moment as i'm struggling with everything as it is. New boss is not disimilar to FW and every part of me is screaming to get away.

Yes, buyer has been found. Just waiting for a survey so not getting excited just yet. It could all collapse at this stage.

for all.

It's not inevitable, nini, but it is very understandable. My family aren't physically abusive at all but there's been a lot of my voice going unheard and being subjected to their control in terms of me being expected to make them happy rather than myself, so I can understand now how I perhaps could accept FW's behaviour as more normal. I am fortunate in that I have my family close by for support with the kids, and my sons love their grandparents, but this comes at a price of still being subjected to their approval/disapproval. I am slowly trying to disentangle myself from needing it but it's a slow process.

That's great news that you have a buyer, although can understand your 'it's all bullshit till it happens' approach, probably sensible. Have you sorted out what will happen when (fingers crossed) the sale completes, in terms of who gets what money and what you will do next? At what stage will you be able to move out? Could you do it now?

Havn't got that far sadly pony, still back and forth with who gets what. He's trying to screw me over financially but I'm playing it carefully in an attempt to avoid antagoising him and ending up in court. But I won't be walked over either. Its exhausting.

Too early to look at finding my own place. That has to wait till we have a contract with our buyer. I'm back into my overdraft again with all the selling fees accumulated so far (and i've paid/arranged everything as he refuses to engage) so I may need a short term bank loan.

But,and its a big but, we could be weeks away from freedom. In some ways that makes it worse, its so close you can almost taste it but if one thing goes wrong we're back to square one again.

Will you be able to complete the sale without having the finances tied down? Don't know how it works in England. Make sure you get the fees and things you've paid out for half refunded out of any equity that comes out of the house before anything else.

No harm in looking at finding your own place now I don't think, so you are ready to move when the contracts are signed, or at least looking so you know what's out there and available.

Good for you on not letting yourself be walked over. Get what you can and get out quickly though. Be aware that in the end he might refuse to sign the contracts to sell the house unless you give in to whatever financial demands he's making. You are winning freedom for you and DD, everything else is a bonus - I know it feels galling to give up on things you know you are entitled to and seeing FW think he's 'won' but he really, really hasn't. Don't let him prevent you from winning your freedom. Keep on swimming, keep on swimming...