Am I being abused?
Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin
Books :
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!
Websites :
So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place
What couples therapy does for abusers
If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.
The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30
CharlotteCollins · 10/08/2014 21:39
The journey is only as long as you make it bitbybit, the vast majority here have come and become free a hell of a lot quicker than me. I believe you need a bit of time to grasp what an Ea abuser is all about. I'm hopefully into my final month of slavery until I too am free 
.
I would leave the letter and skip town for a bit thats but thats me. The cynic in me says maybe he deliberately arranged for mutual friends to be present so you would feel unable to do what you need to do. Think this must be one of those times when you need to bite the bullet and just get it over with - you're so close! 
THREE YEARS???? Omg Nini ...and have you left him? Apologies as I haven't read all 900posts on here
I'm begining to think it's a long journey from being abused to realising it and then finding the strength and courage to leave...
Tomorrow i have an initial session booked with a psychotherapist and I can't wait!
Hope evryone is doing okay on this (sunny) Monday. Xxx
So im just gonna share some of my experiences as a "victim" of my husband's abuse...I think i probs feel the need to share in order to realise and accept this is really him.
So about a year and a half after we met, thus happened:
We had an argument at 2am and for once instead of blowing up/swearing/escalating I thought I'd take his "constructive" feedback into account and decided not to overreact. I had to do something though. So i grabbed my coat and went for a quick walk to cool down. By which time he had withdrawn in his office which he does allll the time to signal don't come talk to me (I'd usually go in anyways). But that night i thought let me stop right there if i don't it'll make things worse. I grabbed my keys and went. About 15min later i walked back home to find his car was gone! I thought never mind and so i tried to get in but the door was locked. As i tried all my keys and still couldn't open the door, I realised the house was locked from the inside. And i thought to myself "No. Please tell me he didn't"
I walked street or two away from the house to find he'd parked his car there and then went home and locked himself in. He basically wanted me to believe he had gone out.
I banged and banged on the door (even woke up some neighbours)...i had no money/travelcard/credit on my phone and I was cold. So i went walking for hours as I was freezing. He finally opened the door at 9am!!!!
I obviously went nuts and asked why he'd do this to me especially as for once, i was trying to keep out of his way n cool down. He replied "I wanted you to understand that if it wasn't for me you have no friends or family here so you must never take me or this house for granted" very calm without shouting almost apologetic I was shocked but also felt I'd crossed the line for him to do this so i apologised a few hrs later. We made love, went out for lunch and all was forgotten...
but i never have.
(sorry for the dramatic ending i enjoy writing)
Sorry i meant everyone active at the moment...so you too 
If you want to share of course! Gotta go settle my baby to sleep quickly and I'll type my own story when i get back X
Hi ponygirl! That makes sense. It's so hard to stop trying to smooth it over and be nice like a good girl. I don't know if any of you listen to the Archers (I'm an addict) but at the moment they have an ea storyline and it's getting a little bit too close to my life to listen to. They have it spot on though. I'll be listening, and fw will here the scenes with the nasty man in and frankly I can't believe he's not embarrassed. I suppose he would say "what a foul man, I wouldn't so that!" and totally not recognise himself lol.
Hit bitbybitbybit and Charlotte, ty for the flowers, I may use them as a weapon lol. My darling dad just came to collect his dog which we've been looking after, and fw slept downstairs with it last night. Even when dad was here the comments like "Well at least I got a cuddle" were there. 
Hey beezlebop, it's so hard to think straight about it all.
I think they don't consciously behave badly. It's more about them needing to remain in control of every situation, we are incidental and a way of getting them what they need. So rather than unconsciously thinking 'I am going to do x, y and z and this will upset her' I suspect it's more 'I am going to do x, y and z to get me the result I want' - and most results will be something to do with staying in control. Which is why trying to explain how their behaviour makes you feel is pointless - none of it is actually about you (despite what they may say), it's all about them, and how they feel entitled to do anything they want in order to get that desired result of staying in control.
Bitbybit the passive aggressive abuse is so insidious isn't it.
How are you doing nini? Hold on in there.
Hey beezlebop! Sorry your having a bad WE. My dh is away this weekend so at least no arguments. Cant say that i miss him much
The "does it matter" question...humn! Well I'm struggling with whether or not it should matter to me that he does it purpously or not. There's an element of intent and extreme viciousness that goes with being aware of what they're doing. It does make a difference to me except i can't seem to figure out whether he's aware of what he's doing. Driving me nuts.
OT but after pretty much 10yrs together i can count on one hand the times when i actually knew the exact date and time of his return from a trip abroad business or pleasure. And the man travels a lot. Thought to myself this morning (as i realized all i know is he'll be back 2moro) that is the definition of his subtle abuse ie: "I'm in control of all thi gs and you can't do anything about it" No shouting/ No name calling/No physical abuse etc... I'm just there, no purpose or hardly any.
Xx
Probably a lot of what he does is below the conscious level, but ime that just makes it easier for him to ignore, or think is normal and everyone thinks like that.
By the way, you never need to apologise here. This thread is a safe place for you to think stuff through, so use it in any way that helps.
And we all know what it's like to have to shut the thread hastily because the FW has walked in!
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