Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

On the subject of unsupportive family, my parents are not abusive and have supported me the whole way through, so I know I'm very lucky. But they did try the whole "not taking sides" thing, tried to keep contact with FW and support him as best they could, too. (They felt bad for him because his own parents seemed to be less supportive in the beginning.) They spent hours talking to him and eventually gave up because he listened to nothing they said and kept going over the same stuff time and time again.

So if you think your family are worth it, it might be worth hanging in there for a bit and seeing if he reveals his true colours to them a bit. Otoh, it doesn't sound like that applies to your families, nini and kitty.

In any case, I couldn't've made it without this thread, in those early days when FW's support network closed ranks and I was alone. And we're still here for you guys, too.

Wishing you strength and hoping it is only weeks now, nini.

Thanks all. This thread has been a godsend from my first post and I wouldn't have got this far without it.

I'm not entirely sure what happens with the finances if we can't agree on who gets what. I need to find out.

hi all just popping by quickly to send you all good wishes for your continued successes in gettting shot of FW's expediantly.

Great to hear you are coming out the other side so well Pony

Nini FW's are FWs through and through, regardless of family upbringing. Our upbringing doesn't make them who they are. I know it might've (or it might not) have protected us from being involved, but if it was easy to see it wouldn't be so widespread. Its all his fault

Its a whole other thing altogether isn't it, the rest of the outlaws and mutual friends and i've found the same, to just stay away from those that choose to keep contact with him and his poisonous tongue

Someone I counted a friend was called by him this week to find out where I was!! Bearing in mind having been through hellish court, they ordered that he not have any contact with me, upheld a non-molestation order against him, which included not involving third parties, and ordered very limited contact for our DCs, he has broken the non-mol.

DC and I were visiting distant friends and I get a random call from a friend of mine sort of demanding to know where we are?! I have become, through force of habit now, very committal and said we're in the car on the road so can't talk. She asked I call her when i get home and when might that be?
She later told me he had called her desperate to find us, that he'd already called hospitals and was desperately worried to know where we were. So she calledhim and told him we weren't in hospital but on the road somewhere and would be back. I didn't realise all this at the time of talking to her, but i've since told her that in being party to this, he was breaking his non-mol, she's apologised, but its too late.

Any ideas on what gave him a clue we weren't just at home?

Anyway, I agree that keeping those in contact with him at very arms length makes sense. More than I was going to write here, but it chimed very well with kitty 's post.

I have court looming again and suffice to say, struggling nights and days for a while knowing its very soon now. Won't give details here as very paranoid about his stalky behaviour.

My book recommendations that have got me through unspaghetti'ing' my head were The Dominator - Pat Craven (who worked with FWs on the inside, and learnt their belief system and tactics by heart and now run Freedom Programme for survivors of abuse to tell women what their partners/ex's are really up to), and yes, definitely Sir Lundy!

well that wasn't very quick, sadly someone else already had the name 'wordybird'!

love, strength and pozzy vibes to all xxx

that should have read 'non' -committal

Hope it goes ok at court. Keep reading and unspaghettifying. You can do this.

Hi fi from me, too. That all sounds exhausting to have to deal with. Wishing you strength.

I know its been a while but wasn't sure where to post this. I dont like starting my own threads.

We're getting closer to freedom but the EA is getting worse (as I read it would do). FW is now even doing low level stuff to DC.

I know I need to be strong, and I am being strong but its so hard. Add to the mix my new boss who seems cut from the same cloth (i'm very close to starting grievance procedure with him) and I'm fast runnung out of energy reserves.

We could be in the same house for another month like this. Why does it all have to be so hard.

Oh nini. Am on holiday right now with almost no internet but just wanted to let you know I am reading and sending you support. Have you spoken to WA or anyone like that, for your own support in RL? Hold on, keep on holding on. There's nothing else for it and all this will pass, eventually. Xx

I'm not surprised you're feeling drained, Nini, you've felt so trapped for so long. I'm wishing you strength, too, and willing the days away till you escape.

Are there little treats you can do for yourself to help keep your strength up? Getting out with DD for a walk in the sunshine, or a bit of chocolate, or something? Something that says to you, "You're worth it!"

Trying to keep my head up. This is hopefully the final slog before freedom. I have a select few in RL I can talk to but I dont want to lean on other people too much. In any case I just need to get through this. No other way. But I'll never be truly free of him.

I know I'm very stressed as I'm showing signs I know are symptomatic for me - i've lost my appetite for example and eating very little.

Thanks for the support ladies, it means a lot.

Please try to eat. It only make your energy levels worse if you're not getting enough. Although I know how difficult advice like that is to take when you're stressed.

It does feel like you will never be free of him, but when DD is grown, there will be no reason for contact. And if that is too long to wait, when you live separately you will feel so much better a lot of the time.

Hello, I hope you don't mind me joining you. I think I am in an ea relationship, I'm not sure though. It's not good, I know that. I just wanted to say hi but need to go as he's just got back xx

Hi all,
same as beezlebop...would like to join you all. I've posted on mumsnet before but feel this thread is probs more "fitting" to what im going though...
Think my DH is a water torturer / covert abuser

I'm seeking help to begin therapy as I feel I've hit rock bottom.
Let's see Xx

Welcome, both of you, although sorry you have to be here. Post as little or as much as you want.

My experience was of very "subtle" abuse like the water torturer type, too. Bancroft is so right that it's all about control and entitlement, with a huge helping of manipulation in my case. It takes a while to see it for what it is. I don't think the DCs have a clue that there is anything wrong with their dad's behaviour, although I'm sure he makes them feel his happiness is their responsibility. Well, at least now I have left him, they get to see non-abusive behaviour from me.

#Charlottecollins thanks for the welcoming words. May I ask about your own reaction to his abuse before/after you realised what he was doing?

Sadly I've always been resorting to extreme anger to hide extreme pain. It's a bad defense mechanism I've gotten used to using...This means i get verbally abusive in difficult times which makes me feel lower because despite of his abusive nature, I'm not just a victim.
This constantly makes me doubt/try to forget my right to accuse him of abuse if that makes sense...

Any thoughts on that would be more than welcome.

Welcome beezlebop and bitbybitbybit welcome to this thread!

Mine was also a water torturer and yes bit I can identify with what you have said about your anger. It took me a very long time to step back from getting furious about his behaviour. I'm certain that I could/would have been seen as the angry person from the outside because his abuse and manipulation was very subtle. You might find it interesting to google passive aggressive personality disorder as well. I thought that if I stopped being angry, I would be accepting his shitty behaviour - but the shitty behaviour carried on irrespective of my shouting and protest. In fact I think it gave him good evidence that his abuse was having the desired effect. It was only in the year before I left, which came after years of unhappiness, that I managed to stop engaging with his crap and detach more. Maybe just try and 'notice' what he does - try and take a very slightly detached position and see if you can observe it. It's not easy, but it made a difference to me.

It does not change what he is doing to you, although I prefer the term survivor to victim.

The huge difference between the pair of you is that if you end this relationship, he will still be a fuckwit. You, on the other hand, will be amazed at how can you feel and how little you feel like shouting at anybody.

Are you actually VA, really? Or are you angry and shouty and he has trained you to believe that standing up for yourself is abusive? Check the link in the OP about VA and see if it sounds like you.

But if it does, it's still OK, because you can leave.

how calm you feel

I'm now feeling a bit shocked because I thought I'd take a look at the VA link, having not looked at it since I first started finding out about abuse. I thought back then that the page didn't really sound like my marriage and now I'm amazed at how much of what I'd on there he did.

I think at the time, minimising what was happening to me, I thought that if he only did three thing on a list of ten abusive behaviours, then that meant he wasn't really abusive. I still find it hard to believe that some men (most men?) wouldn't appear on the list at all!

Thanks for that Kitty and Charlotte. I think I'll have a look at the verbal abusive link. He is definitely passive agressive but if course how hurtful and out of irder of me to imply that.

Xx

Totally out of order. Back in your box, woman!

lol I know right!

Morning (ish) ,
Sorry I didn't say much before, thanks for saying hi. I've just had to put up with one of his bad weekends. You know the ones. We are being Mr Nice now, but I'm not fooled. Last night I read the Dominator stuff and my goodness, that's him. I still struggle in my mind with the fact that he doesn't mean to be like that. As my doc said though "does it matter?". Thanks for welcoming me xxxx

Probably a lot of what he does is below the conscious level, but ime that just makes it easier for him to ignore, or think is normal and everyone thinks like that.

By the way, you never need to apologise here. This thread is a safe place for you to think stuff through, so use it in any way that helps.

And we all know what it's like to have to shut the thread hastily because the FW has walked in!

Hey beezlebop! Sorry your having a bad WE. My dh is away this weekend so at least no arguments. Cant say that i miss him much

The "does it matter" question...humn! Well I'm struggling with whether or not it should matter to me that he does it purpously or not. There's an element of intent and extreme viciousness that goes with being aware of what they're doing. It does make a difference to me except i can't seem to figure out whether he's aware of what he's doing. Driving me nuts.

OT but after pretty much 10yrs together i can count on one hand the times when i actually knew the exact date and time of his return from a trip abroad business or pleasure. And the man travels a lot. Thought to myself this morning (as i realized all i know is he'll be back 2moro) that is the definition of his subtle abuse ie: "I'm in control of all thi gs and you can't do anything about it" No shouting/ No name calling/No physical abuse etc... I'm just there, no purpose or hardly any.
Xx