Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

We're all go here on the house front. My nerves are so taut I can feel them straining. I'm exhausted but got to keep on going. It's very hard right now.

Thinking of you nini - how is the atmosphere with FW? Any viewings lined up yet? Any further forward on what will happen with the finances when it sells, or mediation or anything?

smother, no not photoshopped - they were selling them around Christmas I think. Actually nicked the picture from another old Vixenee who managed to get hold of one. Lovely Mink still likes a few dirty minded wotsits.

Atmosphere is ok thanks pony (although maybe thats coz I'm used to it). Mediation is this week so not sure yet tho I do have a list of things to discuss. No viewings yet but waiting for phonecalls as we speak (glad I won't be doing the viewings).

I need to keep being strong but feel like I'm running on empty.

Another moved on Vixen here popping by just to say it definitely all gets better once you are free. I have NC again but used to live in a LittleHouse.
I have never been as relaxed and happy as I am now. But 27 years in a controlling EA relationship and I didn't know any better. I do now!

Keep taking small steps towards the light friends, and you will get there eventually.

Hey how's everyone still plodding along playing happy family's planning how il leave or praying he will,how are you sugar?it started today nip picking he wants a new car asked me would I have four thousand for new one it for the family I'm getting bit overtime in work u think he hates fact I have a little extra cash,or he thinks I'm using extra cash to leave,all weekend all I got was you would never last without me here you couldn't do it on your own I said yes I could no ye couldn't in your dreams.

Hey Madi

I promise you, he won't leave voluntarily unless he finds someone else to move in with (in which case you'll be dropped like a hot potato). But the chances of that happening at a time convenient for you are slim, so you need to forget about what he'll do and focus on what you are going to do. Are you renting together, is it in your own name or joint, or is it a mortgage?

I imagine he's suggested the new car to try and soak up all your spare cash so you have none. Don't do it. He's right you'll be using the extra cash to leave though! Make sure it's safe and he can't get his hands on it.

Where are you at the moment with your plan to leave/get him out? Have you spoken to Women's Aid or anything like that?

I hope you know that every single thing he said at the weekend isn't true, and he's only saying it to put doubt in your head about leaving.

I'm living there five years with his three kids he bought the house ain't mine?i was thinking of leaving and renting but rent v high at moment so don't know what to do.

Madi - Women's Aid could possibly get you into a refuge, which would give you a chance to get out and some breathing space to work out finding somewhere to rent, etc. Or at the very least they could talk to you about your options.

When I left I could barely afford renting through an agency, they asked for so many fees and so much money up front. I found a private landlord on Gumtree so fees (and it turned out to be someone who knew my mum so he let me only pay half the deposit). Once I was on my own, I found I was entitled to a lot more Child Tax Credits and Working Tax credits, and even housing benefit. So you might not find the finances as tight as you'd think. Have you worked it all out in terms of what you'd be entitled to etc?

I work full time wouldn't be entitled to benefits dont really wanna go refuge they bit different here in ireland it's full drug addicts I'd be to nervous with kids.

Benefits are not based on working hours but on income, so working full time might mean that when you're on your own you might be entitled. If it's NI it'll be the same as in England, I think? But I think SI has its own system so don't know. What services do you have that you could go to for info? Does your work offer any employee services that would help? Any friends/family that could put you up for a while?

When you think things can't get worse they always find a way. Its like swimming through treacle. Maybe things will get better, I dont know. What I do know is that right now its taking all I have to keep getting up in the morning. I am very very low.

Until you are out and away, it will always feel like this nini .

What things are you doing for yourself? What are you doing once DD is in bed?

Well i'm keeping the house tidy for viewings and looking at paperwork for mediation and the house sale. I don't get to go out as he's either out or working. Which doesn't help but there isn't an alternative really.

It doesn't help either that work is hard going too at the moment. There is little escape.

Do you have your own space, eg the bedroom? Could you take time to sit in their with candles, your laptop, some nice food and just watch rubbish films or stuff on catch-up that you'd like to see? You need to actively carve out some mental space for yourself to relax, by the sounds of it.

hi everyone, hope you don't mind me posting here - I am not in an AR but my mum is and has been for past 7/8 years or so. He doesn't live with her and they don't have any DC together but they do work together. It is almost impossible her to leave her job as it's something very specialised and she would really struggle to get work anywhere else. She needs the job to keep a roof over my siblings heads (they are 14 and 16). I get so worried about her and it is a root cause of my own depression now...don't know how else to help her, feel like I've tried everything.

it doesn't sound like there is much you can do scrunchiemount

I am sorry to hear you are watching your DM go through this, it must be extremely hard to see whats going on and be helpless to do anything about it, but sadly you are, and accepting that will free you from the bad feelings you are getting.

Only she can control her life, thats true. If she feels up to taking that control that will be something that changes deep inside her.

She will know that she is unhappy deep down, all you can do is show her other ways without making reference to her FW of a partner. At least he is living separately and they have no DC together, thats a huge plus to her being able to separate from him and do things for herself, which you can help her with, but sadly there will be very little you can do .

Just being supportive and close to her and perhaps occasionally challenging her assumptions about what a relationship should look like, rather than specifically targetting him, as that could alienate her because she will not appreciate her decisions to be with him being undermined.

Anything you can to do help empower her to act independently with decisions and expectations for herself will all go to helping her look at her relationship perhaps anew?

You need to look after you, be independent and show her what independent empowered women look like too this will stop you feeling stuck in it and ensure you stop feeling any responsibility to rescue your DM.

rest and take care of you

smotheroffive thank you for your kind words. The issue here is that my DM knows exactly what he's like. She has a brutally honest appraisal of him. She's under no illusions that he might change. Yet she still feels unable to leave because she thinks it's too hard with them working together as she won't ever be able to go NC, and I think this is what I can't cope with.

again though, these are her decisions Scrunchiemount. You cannot take this decision, and need to let go. Its great that she has this brutally honest appraisal of him and realistic about lack of likelihood of change.

So she is really clear that she is being abused through work basically. That is the power that he is holding over her. There is always a power base somewhere, whether its money, or fear of him keeping her quiet because of threats, or as in her case, the work situation is whats blackmailing her.

None of these are easy to do anything about, but being in constant company with him is extremely hard, she will not be able to NC, but she will be able to build a very strong professional framework around her dealings with him. She will need support from work (that she wont be anything but professional and clear guidelines on how to do that so that she can report anything inappropriate said in work time to her), and support for herself outside, WA would be brilliant for supporting her through this.

Again though, only things you can suggest if she is looking for answers and reaching out for help.

Again, not your responsibility. As hard as she needs to work on putting this in place, you need to work on letting go. Its her problem, give yourself a lot of distance because its affecting you so badly, and it will add to her burdens if she thinks you are suffering like this as a result of her circumstance. Get yourself strong and separate, then you will be better placed to support her?

Read all this thread... Such brave and strong ladies. I have been emotionally abused for four years. Called names. Made to feel stupid. Always pinches and smacks that are 'jokes'. Just waiting for my clarifying moment that will justify leaving.

He's currently sulking because I have to give him a head massage for hours every night and won't listen when I tell him I don't want to. Every meal I cook is 'alright'. I hate this.

scrunchie you can still help your mum by listening to what she's saying - but what smother says, you help her best by being strong in yourself.

Girl33 welcome to the thread, sorry you have to be here but it sounds like you do. Every meal I cooked for my FW was a bomb waiting to go off. And when I said I didn't want to get up at 6.30am every morning to get his breakfast ready and chat to him and see him off to work, there was hell to pay. My clarifying moment came suddenly one morning when (having got up to make him his breakfast and see him off, despite having been up to feed our 5-month-old in the night) he told me I wasn't allowed to have my mum up to the house to help me do some tidying/clearing out rooms. Your moment will come. Keep posting.

Thankyou. He is a huge gas lighter and denies saying horrible things. Nobody believes me because he tells them he loves me and I'm amazing. Wish he actually believed it. We have a son and I don't work, it doesn't feel bad enough to leave but I can feel my self worth disappearing. I wish he would do something outrageous that I could use as a reason I know that's terrible

Girl one of my saviours was I kept an almost daily diary of the things he did/said to me. It helpd remind me how awful it was over a period of time. Could you do that, might help you with the gaslighting, and help you see that it's already (probably) bad enough? And that it doesn't have to reach a certain level of 'bad' to justify leaving - being unhappy and feel your self-worth is being eroded is more than enough reason.

Saying you wish he'd do something outrageous isn't terrible - I think all sufferers of EA wish that at some point, because it makes it tangible and EA is so hard to pin down and believe.

Have you got the Lundy book recommended in the OP? If not, try to. It helps.

often wishes that Girl - he knew only too well, perhaps better analysed and in control than i ever realised, his knowing what that step too far would be, and danced always around the edges. You almost want them to give you something to properly use against them, i think we look to them for answers until we look to ourselves, thats when we get our answers. They will never give us closure, or the cast iron reason we look for. We make it ourselves, a moment of realisation like Pony said... No No No,, not terrible, just a completely normal reaction to an abnormal circumstance

Just popping by to say hello. Still have Lovely Man in my life, am down-sizing houses so will have some spare cash, and am now a pensioner!

Some good updates from old faces, even if I don't recognise everyone from the old days.

I'll reiterate for the more recent posters: this thread is a life-changer [sparks up "ciggie"]