Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I don't have to have anything to do with him do I, ever. Please say I don't. and I don't have to stay here - although i don't know the answer to that yet, still wimping.

He hasn't a clue bout my idea sugar but I think he knows I'm up to something I play along as happy family's but really in my mind I'm calling him every name I can think of I just wana be with my kids somewhere we can be ourselves,haven't been in touch with anyone my family know they never liked him he thinks he's above everyone I think he's a narcissist.

yes he will sense something different in you, its their job to be in control so he will be sensitive to any change in the dynamic, and be on the lookout for some clues as to whats going on and feel threatened by it.

Regardless of what he is, its what its doing to you and your DC that count, and that you have decided to get out, massive positive! go you

Do you know what you need to do? Have you got lots of support on board, planning to have? if your family don't like him then you may have some you can lean on a bit, and possibly somewhere to go to?

Have you read the links at the very beginning of the thread Madi? When you first find yourself in this situation as we all have it can be really overwhelming and the links helped me make sense of it all.

He's out with he's friends drinking tonite plus I found out last year he's been taking cocaine for years how nieve was I to believe he never took drugs he,if he goes out with them he dosent come home,my mam and dad are divorced my dad dosent have relationship with us, my mam and lil sis rent tiny two bed apt no room,il have to stay here til end of year,last nite was big argument my daughter eight likes stay up with me fri and sat we watch movie and he kept on and on when is she going to bed kids shouldn't be up send her up at quarter to 7 as long as your here il have an input so make it mind up or il have to do it!

sugar if you can't trust your friend to keep you safe when you've told them about how important it is, they perhaps are not such good friends - I'd maybe keep your distance from them for a bit. You don't need that extra drama. What's stopping you from moving at the moment?
(BTW - did you say you were around in the old Vixens days? You'll need to PM me your old username. Been trying to place you, think I have but not entirely sure! )

Madi - so sorry you have to be here, but sounds like you do. Have you got a plan in place or are you just really starting to think about it?

I miss the Vixens.

Still here in spirit, Nini

I have plan I work full time my mam minds kids I have three all he's, I have set up savings a/c to afford place of my own by end of year,they never change they promise they will never do I need to get out for my sanity he got worse over the years it's got more intense

Hi all! so...... he's moving today and also being nice, which I can't quite get my head round as he was being so horrible just a few weeks ago.

I'm feeling a mixture of excitement and worry, and I think I'm in shock

I have no idea hows he has done it financially but hey once he has the keys and is in his new place officially I dont have to worry about his finances anymore!

Fingers crossed to the first day of the rest of my life

oh hideous for you Madi ... cokehead, grrr. I had one of those, thankfully he's no more, well not inside our home anyway.

Stick with us here whilst you keep your head down and work towards the out and freedom for you all. You could always head to refuge rather than go through the pain of another year? No, they don't change, when you grow in strength they escalate it, potentially being a physical risk too, anything to keep you in line!

Bizkit yes such a mix of emotions, but remember that 'mr nice guy' rears its head when needed, all part of a plan, so even when he's being nice, he's still being nasty really

Hurrah and hooray to the first day of the rest of your life!!! Lovely to be around to see someone break free

ha, and yay for the Vixens You were spot on before pony when you mentioned wings and magic - and i'll add to that, the name's that we shared too?

I really am wondering about that friend, but she did tell me straight out that he'd contacted her, and that she owes him nothing, that her loyalty is to me, but I wonder if when people dont actually get it, they just automatically respond, when put so on the spot, and under the 'poor me' thing that they do. They go in all quiet and sad and worry and affter all its only to know they are safe?! We know don't we, but others don't, not so readily. Other friends have been subject to his intimidations, those that he doesn't feel he can use for his ends. Those that we didn't know as a couple are treated to glowering looks and being followed.. He wants me to have 'no' friends and why would i have when I come with psycho attached?!

Hi guys he didn't come home last nite until this morning as I predicted out taking drugs with he's buddy's my daughter had her holy communion mass today wouldn't mind the other two kids to hungover I mite as we'll be on my own decided today I'm moving into kids bedroom tonite it's start of my plan.

Hi all moved into the kids room last nite like I said,he texting me in work all day saying he was sorry for he's behaviour could I forgive him,I told him the best thing he can do is leave the house.

bold moves Madi i hope you have restful nights in your new space

Hi sugar I think bold moves are what I need for him to get the message that I want him gone,as you know the emotionally bully does not give in that easy!

Madi Be careful of your safety - when these types of changes get made, that's often when things escalate, as they feel they are losing control and want it back, even if it means violence.

Ye your right this morning he was getting smart with me because I hadn't talked to him,saying you would be lost without me in the house who is gonna mind kids for you sat when u work as if to say I'm not.

trying to make you think you can't actually manage without him Madi when actually he's just one less BIG thing to have to cope with the rest you can manage.

Hi girls he started tonite when I got in from work I had to go chemist and get prescription for little fella he said who's gonna mind the kids if you have to go chemist being smart,then where's my dinner and it was rite in front of him,slamming sll kitchen presses and doors then smashed glass and lightbulb trying to frighten me just want out of here.

madison, if he's deliberately frightening you - that's a crime. You can call the police for threatening behaviour. Like Alice said, this is a dangerous time - he sees you pulling away from his control, he'll do what it takes to get you back in line. Expect spaghetti-head - him being threatening then absolutely lovely in equal measure. But he will always, always, revert to nasty, given time. Have you called Women's Aid? If you call 101 (if you feel too weird about calling 999) then you can speak to a DV specialist and get advice.

Ye he's gone to bed don't really wanna go down the road of police and all,need to get out of here enough of me how's all of you getting on?

Pony

very sorrry to hear of this development Madi thats very scarey for you all. So he hasn't taken your telling him you just want him to get out, lying down.

He now sounds very real danger to you all. At the moment your decision is priority for yours and your DC's safety. Clearly he's not simply had such a genuinely angry reaction to your going to the chemist for meds for your youngest, but he's manufacturing anger with the only intent being to terrify you into listening to him and doing as you're told again. He needs you and the DC to be scared.

You don't have to report any of it, and even if you do report it on 101 you don't have to do anything about it and can use the service to simply log calls under an anonymous, or just anonymously, they will still give you a reference number which you can later add your name to should you wnat to. This way you have all options open to you shuold you need them for any reason, if you don't then all well and good, and later down the line if he starts on someone else and she wants to find out if he's been reported for anything under Clare's Law she can and protect herself.

All the while you will stay in control, just conceal your telephone nubmer when you call them. If he's not behaved like this before, then this is a big escalation.

take care.

here, things have been quite hard for the last couple of days, one DC has badly hurt leg and i'm in the middle of taking exams, hence being up so late studying, plus having some horrid nights due to recent activities so feeling edgy and triggered. i will find my answers soon as i can face/get chance!

Hi dreading going home tonite I can imagine what he's humour gonna be like this is longest I've gone sticking with what I said.

is he going now? Madi

I've just finished cleaning after dins he went up to bed at seven hasn't come back down left all the dishes and mess everywhere for me to clean just to be smart,getting texts all day in work saying two parents can't work at same time that my mother is rearing the kids not me I said then leave house so I don't have to work he said I'm not going anywhere,I said then I have to work to try get place of my own.