Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

i'm up late stressing about my situation and the unavoidable FW, who will never let up taking every opportunity to intimidate and threaten me.

I have been given an option to leave the country to be with other family there, am i allowed to do this? To just up and leave with my DC?

I am sick of trying to get over all the shit and hell that is my life after abuse, thats just taken a different shape as a result of court. Can I leave all this, or is it me and it will follow me whereever I go? [bloodysick of it face]

No, not if he has parental responsibility and/or is on birth certificates. You'll be in trouble due to the Hague Convention, as it applies to parental abductions. If you leave the country without his written permission, and he has parental responsibility, they will bring you and the children back and you will be in serious trouble.

Talk to a solicitor. If you don't have money for it - here's a number to ring.... 0808 8020 008. It's for the Coram Children's Legal Centre. Mon-Fri 8am to 8pm. Free solicitor advice. You'll have to keep ringing to get through, as they don't generally do callbacks, so allow yourself plenty of time. They are VERY helpful.

i sound awful then dont I. That makes me a child abductor! great!

Just realising how that term 'child abduction' puts all sorts of horrible impressions into your mind about who a person is to do that, but never the hideous circumstances they can be forced into, well, for me, anyhow.

thank you Alice - have you nc from something to do with where you lived or didn't before? Just suddenly thought we may have spoken a while ago.

I will try this number.

So i have to keep living like this, if, he has PR, which he doesn't for any born pre 03? i'm pretty sure, its with the RP, which is me.

just so everyone knows, i would not 'abduct'. I might leave on my own to save myself, as it seems otherwise i will be a total loss to my DC anyway, and i cannot stand by and be responsible for any more pain in their lives!

Alice is right thorns, I have a friend who wanted to emigrate with her kids but couldn't as her horrible ex also has RP. She took legal advice but yes if you just go abroad it's technically 'abduction'. Unless he agrees to it but by the sound of it yours would use it as a way of torturing you? I would ring the number and take legal advice but don't tell him you've had this offer - he'll only use it against you no doubt.

I was at the hospital the other day and went past the maternity unit. For some reason it made me feel suddenly really really sad. I always wanted to give DD the baby brother/sister she wanted and had this romantic thing in my head of her coming to hospital to meet them for the first time. But it'll never happen now. Really brought it home how crap things are going to be and how far everything is from what I wanted from life.

i don't think my FW ex would have PR, because DC born before 03, but maybe thats just my wishful thinking? So you think that its the PR bit that invokes the Hague Convention for abduction. so if no PR then no abduction?

I guess its abduction, but its not cos its not exactly trying to steal the kids away from their 'normal' father, its more refugee isn't it? Fleeing persecution? Under these circumstances mothers are not expected surely to leave children bbehind in dangerous circumstances with a FW ex, that would trigger Children Services removing the DC from their mother forcibly and giving them to the abusive father [for safety !!] .

I am in incredibly bitter mood about the way mothers and women are treated under UK law (and others), right now. Having discovered how much easier it is to remove DC from a mother than a father, and how many boxes a mother has to tick before she is allowed her DC back as compared to a 'DF'. That a man can be highly abusive to his DC and partner but the FW partner bullying the mother in her own home can make sure the DC are removed from the DM altogether because the DM cannot keep the abusive FW out of her home (because he's abusive) she will have the DC removed from her, he wil have nothing done to him and it will be easier for him to get contact with his DC than the DM. Just plain wrong, and she can't flee the country in fear of him. The laws are tightening and making it more and more difficult for DM's in abusive situations to get free.

I know there is a great new EA law now in place, but the police (judges/barristers/cafcass) cannot seem to get the DV laws enforced/right/convictions, so what chance this?

Sorry everyone for the massive moans. Just sorry anyone is going through any level of this, and sorry for myself, really now, just sorry.

loss of hopes and dreams is part of the grieving of letting go of it all Nini and I'm sad for this, for any of us

Two main reasons I knew that info. One- I worked for the police for years and two- I cannot leave the uk with my children as ex would never allow it.

I am most certainly not saying anything bad about you. I completely understand how you feel over this.

Sorry if I gave that impression that I believed youwere thinking that Alice - i think its a horrible term and its what i am thinking about doing, but it doesn't seem to be the right to describe my situation. Nevertheless thats how the world would view me, and i'm so sorry to hear of your situation too. That because he has PR too you are not allowed to leave. men control 'their' women and DC don't they and the law supports it.

If there's no PR on his part though, this is what i wonder? He's not got PR automatically pre 03, and its only if he has that he has 'rights' over us?

Still up ansting over it! and so need to sleep.

sugar ring that number I posted further up and ask them questions. They can tell you exactly where you stand legally, what you can and cannot do. They have helped me SO much!! They are brilliant.

i'm also scared to, well not almost, I am i've just realised, as i don't know how to face it if they say I can't. But I know I have to Alice i need to get a grip and just do it i know

I totally get the fear you're feeling, thorns, I think its natural to feel that way. Did you ring the number Alice posted?

I finally told a friend at work about my current situation and shes offered to store some of my things for me. Its a lovely offer but part of me just wants to rent a storage unit as its closer and gives me some control over where I store my things. Although it will cost me money I cant really afford. I cant decide.

Take the friend's offer, Nini. You don't have to store everything there if you decide to get a storage unit, but it will help you get some stuff out more quickly (documents etc). Having a friend like that and letting them help is a good thing, then you don't have to do it all on your own.

Hi Pony

I keep trying to tell myself not to try and do everything on my own but its my go-to response, I'm used to doing things alone.

I'm currently working alone in the office so I've already removed documents, change of clothes and my most personal possessions and hidden them in my lockable draw at work. No one will ask questions. Its the bigger stuff that he might destroy that shes willing to take.

I'm not used to trusting people.

you are making such progress Nini and the not trusting does make a lot of sense in these circumstances!

but if you have the most personal and important stuff out.. then then try not to sweat the big stuff! I'm sure thats the wrong way round, but actually the smaller stuff that you have secured already is actually the big stuff and you have sorted that. You are so well on your way.

me.. still trying to gather myself for that call. I know, wimpish, but i can't fall apart over the response if it blocks my way out of here.

So I finally told my mum we're splitting. It was a harder conversation than I thought it would be. I actually struggled not to cry especially when she asked me lots of questions why. How do you explain an EA/PA/FA relationship to the woman who set you up to think it was normal? Who stood by and watched your own dad hit you and emotionally cripple you from as far back as you can remember till you were 16? And even now I put up with his emotional abuse. I couldn't explain what had happened to her.

Nini - that is such wonderful news - stay strong - you don't need your mum's permission or even understanding.

Thanks arth . I guess I didnt think it would be this hard once you start telling people. They'll jump to their own conclusions so I need to learn the art of not caring!

I agree so much Nini dont put any pressure on yourself for others to understand. That had to be such a difficult convo under those circumstances, and maybe there's something there in your relationship with her that makes you feel she has to understand it, and i dont think she will, or want to necessarily given what you've said. I've said to a few 'I couldn't trust him to stop hurting me (and DC), despite his promises, enough was enough', followed by, 'Its too upsetting to talk about'.

Well done indeed

Thanks Thorns. How are you? Did you make the phonecall yet?

wimp. also had a few bad nights as a result of him turning up somewhere bizarrely coincidentally or not i don't know. Also ringing some of my friends to moan about his contact to them, and how horrible it is for him . I can't cope with him breaching what i thought was a safe circle around me (never mind the court order). so still trying keep a balance and work through how i'm gonna feel if i can't do it. Had weird parent things come up too due to changing family circumstances which has brought them a bit closer to mind (haven't seen them in years as a result of their 'parenting' ). Its been a really wobbly week or so.

Are you doing a bit better now after your first big telling and the reaction? I hope you are feeling bit stronger now.

Hi guys I'm in an mentally abusive relationship feel like I'm going mad have 3 kids need to get out of here can't take it much longer he's a control freak I dispise everything bout him and I have plant to get fuck out of here it's he's house my name ain't on it

Nini that was probably the hardest one you'll do, talking to your original abuser. You might need to deal with them having something else to 'emotionally cripple' you with, but they can only do it if you let them - now is a great time to develop your boundaries with what you will and wont put up with them saying. I've been trying this out for a while now with my original abuser and practice definitely helps!

sugar if he's ringing your friends (ie knowing it's then going to get back to you), you could say to your friends that you don't now want to know if he calls, as it's feeding what he wants, but maybe they could write it down and give it to you in an envelope.

He makes comments bout what I eat in front of kids goes out with friends does not come home I have kids all time just want out anyone any advice?

very sad to hear this Madi very sad , but it sounds like you have made the biggest step in making changes, and thats seeing it and knowing you have to get out. Its really brave to have done that bit, it can take years and years.

You can go anywhere you wany at any time, but yes, plan for it so that you go with all your important things with you. All violent relationships start with EA and PA, and sometimes there's no violence up til the point of trying to leave. Its worth bearing that in mind and making your plans quietly. I'm assuming that you haven't already told him its over and you're going to be moving out?

Having a plan already is great. Do you know about WA and have you spoken to them? They could help you go through your plan and have someone work to support you going through this and out on the other side?

Keep going and keep strong, step by step you wil get there.

I was gutted about the friend thing Pony but more so the timing of the contact it was bizarre, like he knew where we were and was tracking so when we weren't in the area for contact he was ringing hospitals and everywhere playing the 'i'm such a good caring dad, and she the bitch isn't letting me see my DC, and i don't know if one of them has been hospitalised' - all without any due cause, because nothing had happened and he had absolutely no reason to kick off this way, unless he knew we weren't around? Feeling fucking stalked again, bastard.

yes, i made it really clear to my friend not to give away any information about me, but she did. he wanted to know where we were and she told him. Why don't people get it!!! gah! My personal life is eff all to do with him where i go what i do.. sucky creepy creep psycho he is.

ooo! feel bit better for that rant. I have limited contact with anyone that knows him in order to keep my life away from him, this is why i have to get out of here and the more this happens the more i feel under pressure to get out before i lose the plot totally. I know that others just don't get this, they think 'where's the harm'? Whats the big deal. They should try being stalked and see how it feels, having your house watched and your movements tracked, your friends used to coerce you to do his bidding.

Do i not trust them and keep my information to me? I feel like this is the only absolutely reliable way to be safe from him. He's still pumping DC for info about me, against court orders, but these things are virtually impossible to prove, costly and emotionally harmful to go through.