Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I'm freaking out... H has been harassing me by email (nasty demanding messages) and I got an email saying my Facebook password had been changed, I didn't do it. Immediately I responded saying I hadn't, they seem to have locked account so that's fine. Grrr. Why would he change my password? Wtf? I sent him a firmly assertive all-caps email saying to leave me alone and be decent, that all I'd done is visit family, no response. I'm so scared of what he is up to. That's awful, I know. I am officially totally fed up.

sorry thats please make sure you keep these messages, you can forward them to the police, just as evidence of his behaviour towards you and your responses.

I think you have it nailed down tho?? the FB account is locked now, so its probably gonna be worth your changing your email passwords and anything else too. operation lockdown I think? and choose the options to work 'privately' in your web browser when on-line on any devices accessible by him.

then, most important of all, enjoy your family time on holiday and deal withthe rest when you get back you're away from it, hurl it back across the water devoting all your powers of detachment at your disposal.

Thanks sugar appreciate so much being able to vent here. He's just sent 6 or 7 messages screaming at me for not being a good wife, apparently, also said he'd drunk all the booze in the house. Really really nasty messages but they had me giggling, I read them in reverse order and they started nastier and got shorter towards the end... But I had clearly said that if he continued to send abusive messages I'd forward them to police/solicitor. So he said if I MENTIONED POLICE AGAIN IT WAS OVER so I'm thinking, it's time to mention the police again?

ooo yes! definitely time to mention police again ha! another empty threat?

meanwhile its derailing your holiday, which is his purpose I would imagine, trying to take your mind away from living in your moment of your holiday and drag it back to poor ol' him, who has to drink the house dry because you're away? yeah right! mind you don't get alchohol poisoning along the way!

Just need to rant briefly

Had row in car with fw as he was driving aggressively and like a fw. Dd was in back. I didn't raise my voice but I asked him not to be so aggressive as I've had years of it and he knows I absolutely hate it. As we parked I opened the door and half got out and he reversed suddenly.

I'm so mad, I can't take much more of being this angry :-(

At least it gives me something recent to put on my divorce petition. :-)

Is this incident something I should report ? I wasn't hurt as I don't think I had actually put my foot on the ground but it certainly scared the life out of me. And there's no way he could have been sure I wouldn't get hurt- is it threatening behaviour - it was certainly aggressive ?

yes absolutely report it, its something you have experienced again and again [his aggressive driving that he knows scares you].

he could have seriously harmed you, its a threat, an intimidation so you will see how far he might take this.

It sounds like you are not safe really. I do hope you can keep yourself safe, the car sounds like a bad plan from now on

For dd I want to get through Xmas so don't want to act on it yet , injust cant get police invilved a week before xmas and I know re timescale for these things is tight, I can't make one stop shop either but I might ring them, and womens aid. I also need to see gp as I m getting panic attacks :-( . Has decided me that I can't go on the holiday I know he has booked in feb- so need to act ASAP after Xmas.

sus that sounds dangerous. If you are going to be around him please don't take any risks. Don't get in a car with him and keep kids with you, I would think that, if he asks, you could tell him it's because you we're scared by his driving and won't tolerate being put in danger-- but you know best whether this would anger him further. Definitely talk to WA about how best to handle it. Glad you are making plans to leave.

It was because I picked him up on it, he just got into a confrontation about giving way with another driver and I can't stand it, I asked him to just let them through, it was his fault. And then he did that to me. One if the worst parts , apart from being scared, apart from it being In front of dd, was that it was on our street and any of the neighbours might have seen him doing it. It's like shouting at me about lack of sex with all the windows open, I find it humiliating.

As we all know,if I keep quiet I'll be safe, so I will manage Christmas like that but I am going to try and get things moving a bit this week and see if there is any chance of an injunction, or at least a letter threatening one with this incident in mind, that I can get prepared maybe by one stop shop to go along with divorce petition. Just if I see police they ll act immediately and I want dd to,have a nice Christmas, last one with both of us.

Actually tomorrow I havE to be somewhere for work at crack of dawn, but could come back and go to one stop shop and then go to work for lunchtime, then I can get it properly logged. Just need to think of reason with work why I will be AWOL for 2 hours. I ,m off rest of week so hard to say doctor? Could say dd doctor I suppose.

Sus, fw used to do that with the aggresive driving, I've learnt to keep quiet if he has altercation with another driver as me asking him to slow down or whatever makes it worse. admittedly he is a lot better than he was, but I would never discuss a difficult subject with him whilst in the car now.
Two main incidents stick out to me, once when I was heavily pregnant with our first and he was up to something and never around etc, this was brought up in the car and he started driving aggressively and I was getting thrown around a bit and he could see I was in pain and getting distressed, he also shortly after baby was born threatened to drive us into a wall and did but breaked at last sec, because I wanted to separate.
The other time was when a driver pulled out on him, we had the two children in the back, my DD so little she was still in a rear facing seat, he started tailgating this car and the usual foul language spouting out, we got the impression the driver was drunk so he wanted to follow him and told me to call the police which I did, he continued to follow after I had reported it and the more I told him to stop the worse he got and was speeding to keep up, we ended up going quite out of our way, he overtook another car and we came inches away from colliding straight into a double decker bus! at that point I screamed enough and luckily he stopped.
He hasn't done anything quite as bad since but gets very irate if someone cuts him up or something and always swearing with the kids in the back.

god it just reminds me how much I've put up with.
But yet he keeps arguing what a good dad he is!!

anyway bit of an update, again he wouldn't pay a bill and I asked him for a week to pay it, we had a little argument about it and it was obvious he wasn't gonna do it so I said I would have to pay it and borrow money, he said fine and went out in a huff, I cried in front of the kids after that as I have barely any money anyway and he does this every month with this bill! I told the kids daddy won't pay the bill and they were cuddling me etc, another unpaid reminder for another bill came through a few days later and my DD just looked at me and said are you gonna get upset mummy :-(

so because of all this money stuff and the fact that he seems to just be coming and going as he pleases, supposedly working the past few weekends, hasn't offered to help with Xmas presents either, we had a bit of an argument and he told me to shut the fuck up, but then I did call him an arsehole. again he reiterated what a good dad he is (Yeh seeing his new potential gf instead of them) and how he pays half the bills (Yeh that's why I had to pay one he should have) and everyone can see what a good dad he is even though he has to put up with my shit and stress at home, and that people can see what people are like (some sort of thing towards me?) I think I put up with a lot more than most would but what he is telling his friends and family I don't know

anyway it turns out he was already in a mood as this girl he has been chatting to had told him she wasn't sure of anything happening between them, long story but I ended up speaking with her as he had gone awol and decided not to show to work and ignore everybody for a morning, so I don't think anything really happened between them but he was obviously pursing her as she said she knew he liked her.
since then we haven't really spoken to each other he seems in a mood, im just worrying that if she has put a stop to anything happening with them he may now be less likely to move

he was out all day again yesterday and went to an event and stayed the night, where I don't know, but I think the kids are getting used to him not being around, and it's so much calmer now he isn't here so much, it's just going to prove this is the right thing, the kids seem happy, there's never any shouting or things just getting out of control, I feel happier but am just tired as I'm doing everything now and still have the stress of money difficulties as he won't help but I can't claim for help until he goes, with Xmas coming it's hard but I will get there, it's worth it for him to be gone soon
I think he is being funny with money to try and prove a point that he needs money to move, even though he hasn't moved yet so can still pay the bills here, where he is living? but hey Ho I will manage

bizkit Yes, it sounds like it's just passive aggressive behaviour. He's just trying to make a nasty point IMO. Ignore and detach. You can only do what you can do - don't let him make you feel bad about things you can't control (meaning his behaviour!).

sus Awkward question, but can you tell a supervisor at work what's going on? I know it's not ideal, but at least then if he rings your work for some reason, they'll have a heads up. Sorry, I don't know your work situation)

My stbx is delving into more ridiculous behaviour. He's trying to be all secretive about it. I was annoyed (but not shocked tbh) to find out that he was telling his mum that he was using a chunk of his money to pay maintenance (although he was paying nothing) and so he couldn't pay her money for rent or housekeeping (as he lives with her), and he was also telling me that he paid her a chunk of money for rent/housekeeping (although he was paying nothing) so he couldn't pay maintenance. Oh, so clever. Until we talked about it. What. A. Twat. So not willing to support his children, and happy to let his mother (who is 80 and on a fixed income) pay all his living expenses. Utter waste of space. He's in a "serious relationship" with another woman (abroad) who has children the same age as ours and is going to go live with her. I guess if she is happy to support him, that's her problem. Less harassment and aggressive behaviour for me to deal with if he's abroad, so I'm certainly not going to argue.

Alice does he know that you know? Sounds like a great idea for him to move far away! What a d*ck treating you and his mother like that.

bizkit sorry things are so tough now. If you can't count on him for anything then he'll have to see that there are consequences, can you tell him to leave so you can put your claim in?

I suspect he lurks around after me on MN sometimes, so he probably is aware I know NOW.

Hi FW!

Yep. The further the better, eh?

It's not really how he treats me that bothers me.. it's the utter disregard for the dcs that makes me angry.

This is without a doubt the worst Xmas ever (since the one when my mum walked out on Xmas eve). We had a huge row at the weekend which has somehow ended up as my fault, let some good friends down (which is also my fault apparently) and hes going out of his way to make it as miserable as possible.

I remindrd him that we needed to think of DC as its Christmas and she is priority. His reply? 'I am my priority now.'

My heart is breaking for my little one. This is what I didnt want to happen and I knew he would do this. Merry Xmas indeed.

What a total FW. So sorry to hear that, Nini. It's so unfair on your LO.

Nothing is ever their fault, is it? And they always have to put themselves first. Both things are completely incompatible with being a member of a happy family.

It won't always be like this. And you are a great force for good in your DC's life.

The sad thing is Charlotte is that it will. He doesn't care about her wellbeing but. He'll fight tooth and nail for access to her. Hes already setting me up as the bad guy in the same way his dad did with his mum (who he hates).

I think I might start up my own thread about how I deal with this particular point.

I hate Christmas.

But it wont always be like this all the time, Nini. When the two of you are away from him, it will give you both respite. There will be hard roads to navigate - like DD perhaps learning that her dad puts himself first without you there first hand - but these things are still better overall than being immersed in this horrible abuse situation all day every day.

Do whatever you can to get through Christmas. Nod and smile, keep the peace, avoidance. Whatever it takes, and try not to engage with him (for your own sake).

What's your plan once Christmas is over? Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Nini so sorry you're dealing with this nonsense from him. I agree though, that the only thing you can really do is damage control - get through the holidays however you can and stay as detached as possible.

My FW saw the dcs in November and when I offered to take the dcs to see him on Christmas Eve, he declined. He can't be arsed, I guess. He's far too busy planning his move abroad.

I cant do anything till end of Jan but I'm going to start looking around for a place after Xmas. And the house will need to go on the market. Ive already done some paperwork to change my name back. The actual divorce can wait, I just want to get away. Do not engage will hopefully see me through the next few days.

Its sad that FW doesn't want to see the DCs Alice, do they mind? Probably better for them if hes so disinterested.

nini yes, it's probably better for them anyway. They've only seen him once in months anyway. Less stressful all around, but it annoys me that he's just essentially abandoned them. (even though it probably is for the best)

I see what you mean, it must be annoying that he feels its ok to drop in when he feels like doing it - whats the betting he'll get upset in time to come when they're grown up and dont go out of their way to see him?