Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Try to enjoy some time away thats, where are you planning to go to on your return? You have somewhere to stay I hope?

It's been a long time since I was here last and although I was reading the thread it vanished for a time. I finally....finally reached my end point with my FW last week and told him it was over, house needed to go on market in February (lots of reasons why it won't before then) and he exploded at me. Like a volcano going off, lots of emotional abuse my way. But he's calmed down since then and we're on a delicate balance. I just feel better for saying it even if it means the toughest times are ahead. Christmas will be hard. I won't clog the thread with details but trying to stay strong despite having nowhere to go, being in debt so cant afford much rent etc.

In the absence of a [mincepie] smiley some for all.

thats well done to you on going. Hold on for a few days and you'll be away. New start when you come back. Sounds good.

Nini sending you a big hug my lovely. I am so sorry you've been subject to FW's explosions, but I am glad you have reached your point and taken a stand. You can do this. But just be careful of him, be safe, Christmas is a dangerous time anyway and if he feels he has nothing to lose then doubly so.
And, of course, feel free to use the thread for whatever you need, whether it's sharing the details of what happened or just getting support. That's what it is for.

Nice to 'see' you Pony, it's been a while. I've been in a dark place but since telling him in many ways it's like the weight of the mountain has shifted. It's only taken 2.5 years of being here right . Hope you and yours are well.

Doesn't matter how long it took, nini. It's that you have now done it. The relief you feel tells you how much you have done the right thing. Hold on in there though - he's going to behave appallingly between now and you actually leaving the home so be prepared for anything. But keep that feeling of relief close to hand, you can use it to say to yourself 'I don't care' when he starts. And phone the police if you need to. and for you, and a toast to your freedom - now within reach.

Thanks Pony. I wouldnt ring the police based on their previous treatment of me, unless it was a life or death situation. But I get you . 2015 will be a different year!

awww Pony yep, that

Sus with the non-mol, take things one step at a time. Do the non-mol if you are feeling ready for that, the ex-parte allows you to get the order in place without having to face him, but he very much has the right to apply to contest it, and be prepared that this could be suffficient reason for him to drag you to court over it (how I laughed at how simple I thought this would be!!!)

Nini go girl! thats brave and self-focussed. absolutely what Pony is saying about keeping safe. I really recommend you call the police and let them know of your situation, and that you have told him you are leaving. They may well want to put a marker on your address to be sure you get a rapid response should you have to call. If he kicks off call them and they will remove him. Although, i do get that would be really hard thing to do.

As is reporting partner/ex for breaches of orders, etc (well it was heart-breaking for me) take it at your own pace.

Have been treated like crap by the police, but then have also been completely understood and supported and they were key in some of the actions i took in the end. I'm sure you would get fantastic support from the 101 service in reporting, the officer on the street, mmm really hit and miss I've found.

Evening all.
Bit of an update, fw has been here less and less, he gets home quite late from work during the week and has been working the past few weekends though I don't really believe that is what he is doing, he didn't come back at all yesterday.
The positive is I'm feeling a lot happier when he isn't here and getting lots done around the house, the kids are happy.
whenever he is here there is shouting at kids and swearing etc and just makes me realise how much calmer and nicer things are without him.
The difficult thing is the not being able to fully move on as I never know when he is going to be here so can't really plan anything plus the financial side of it (waiting for him to pay bills again that are overdue)
I have no bad feelings that he may be seeing someone else, it's just not fair to me as he comes and goes as he pleases,plus he can't be honest about it!! and I'm worried that if it doesn't work out with her he will refuse to move again. I think I may have to reconsider the court option if he isn't gone by end of Jan.
Trying to stay positive

I hear you- getting actually physical separate is my dilemma.

I've been wondering what to do when I have divorce papers in hand and wish to leave them for him. Today I went to my parents and for various reasons realised I couldn't think about going there. I be been looking at buggering off to centreparks or somewhere on a long weekend but it's expensive and I feel,bad just disappearing esp as it means dd missing 2 days schoo with no reference to,him. But he won't listen when I say I want to divorce and so getting papers is the only way to move tHings on. But if we go away, we have to come home, and I can't work out if it would be better to just hand him divorce papers in person one evening, than have to do the return home thing having disappeared with his child amd left papers. At the moment there is nothing happening to justify a non mol.

Just cried in front of the kids and they both looked upset at me upset and gave me a cuddle.
Asked fw to pay a overdue bill for to about the 7th time and he said he will do when he gets back I said do it now then he said he wants to see how much he has going out etc, which tells me he may not then pay it so I have had to pay it when.i don't have enough cleared money and right before Xmas he truly is a horrible horrible arsehole, I will now have to ask my parents to lend me some money. I told him I will be applying to the courts after Xmas and he just said go then. He thinks I won't might even do it before Xmas to get the process started

oh Bizkit doesn't seem like theres any reason to wait from the description of the state of play at yours right now.

so sotry for your tears in front of DC. Really sorry you are feeling so low and all so tough right now.

I hope you might feel better once this is in place. I hated that part, amongst hating the other parts too, but the worrying about the money whilst he waltzes irresponsibly out the door is crap, really crap.

I recall there always being money for drugs and beer, parties, trips, regardless of financial responsibilities. irresponsible is the word i think all round really.

Sus maybe divorce papers with threat of non-mol if theres any stupid games, but be assured that any threats or intimidation by him willwarrant a non-mol.

So file , petition with letter alluding to non mol should he emotionally abuse dd by crying in front of her etc, telling her I hate him etc - should I disappear for a couple of nights and leave letter? Should I tell school- he takes dd so I think I may as want to know if she turns up upset, late, or not at all, as I often don't see her until bedtime in the weeks and that's a long time if he,s acting out his emotions on her ?

sus I would inform the school for sure - whether there is a non-molestation order in place or not. It would really help the school to know if there is a likely situation (even if it's getting upset), and they can keep an eye on her. Remember that he may also speak to the school and lie about it being you that is causing upset etc, and the school will communicate with both/either of you about her. It's a tricky area, but being open and upfront with them about what's been going on is the best way to go, because ultimately the school has her best interests at heart.

Ok, I ll talk to head once petition is back with solicitor.

I know he's secretly booked a holiday for half term so I want papers to be served after that as I don't want any risk of him taking dd without me- although I loathe the idea of a family week away. So weeks to go. How long do papers take to come back? I want to file them but have them returned to solicitor so thought I would file first week back after holiday, then they may coincide with end of term and easier to go off for a few days and leave them for him at home.

I think I am edging towards a plan, its a long way off yet though, would love to just go and file this week but just can't stand idea off dd being taken off in the middle of proceedings going on.

Feels like I always have some reason to delay but I do feel I am here mentally at last. It's taken a long time to get here.

welll it does Sus, for us all i think, but once those clouds part, and the scales fall, other things become clearer too, just because your head is becoming clearer and seeing through it, leading to a way through it and out.

Its all up to you, you go when its right, or him go, or whatever. Hard to be on holiday altogether! but only you can weigh up the best way for this to happen for your DC and you.

Alerting the school as early as possible is good idea because its important they are aware of her struggles, with him abusing her. In the meantime as long as she knows what abuse looks like (DF's name-calling mothers, persuasion crying to DC, and so on), she will work a lot of the rest for herself.

Really struggling at the moment. He seems to have gone into overdrive. I've been told by him that I have nothing in life to worry about, no money worries (yes my 4k of personal debt is a dip in the ocean) and that hes a good provider. I've been told that I'm sexually frustrated and just need 'a good dicking' . I've been told that we're taking each day as it comes and been subject to the sad woe is me face. Its exhausting.

DD is very clingy to him at the mo and I don't know if shes feeling the tension (shes 3).

Watched that Panorama show on DV and its rattled me. Hard to watch when you've been a victim.

Nini I was reading another thread today:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2202873-Im-being-abused-but-I-feel-stuck-and-scared

The OP is lucky enough that her husband leaves the house and gets a flat - mainly, I think, because he believes he'll be returning home quite soon. But what struck me about the OP's posts was her realisation that he was making pronunciations on what was going to happen after he moved out (he'd keep monitoring her bank accounts, she didn't need to get a solicitor for the divorce because he had one, he'd keep 50% of the house to prevent her being shafted by some imaginary future partner, etc, etc), and that these were all in his head, and she realised she didn't have to go along with any of these 'decisions' of his. He got quite a shock after he moved out.

Similarly, your FW can go into overdrive but all you have to do is nod and smile and continue making your own plans. He's frantically trying to reel you back in. He thinks if he decrees that you are this, that or the other and you are taking things one day at a time then this is all true and how it is. I know it's exhausting but keep planning, it'll help you stay sane till February.

Didn't watch the Panorama programme, couldn't bear to.

Thanks Pony, you're absolutely right. I'm trying not to rock the boat over the next month as there's things happening that I need his help with (wont say as it'll out me and he's still saying he's stalking me on here) so I have to just grit my teeth.

If anyone feels up to watching the Panorama prog on DV its on the iplayer now.

nini, sus it's so hard to find a good time, isn't it. I'm I the USA now with DD, visiting my family... H seems to be going ballistic but I've asked him to stop emailing, my phone is off but I'm sure it's filled with texts and voicemails and when I return to uk I don't see how I can go back. Still not sure what I'm going to do. I'm having a lovely time catching up with family. But also being with family reminds me of why I'm so susceptible to people-pleasing in the first place! Gah. And why I committed to him so quickly to have a way to get away from them and 'prove' I could be ok, successful on my own. I haven't told them that things are bad with H, just skirting around the issue. FFS! 50 years old wtf?

yes nini they have this weird thing i think with us needing them sexually to fix us!!! its well creepy...

I started to watch the panorama thing and seeing that little girl saying how she was trying to stop her dad, but he never listened and so on was just far too triggering for me and I had to ice my head for a while after.

try not to be hard on yourself thats hmm, trying to take own advice I wish that at school I'd been warned that relationships can be dangerous - who knew!!!! Our normalisation 'survival' setting is a very odd device indeed!

didn't it say on Panorama that far from their claim that we need them (sexually and depedently) that actually its them that need us and thats what makes them hate us because they hate that they have that sense of dependence upon us

I am sure Lundy says something similar, sugar. It makes a lot of sense when you drill down into it.

wow! I said something like Lundy did! blown away eeee... it just clicked with me that actually that might feel like control to them and the reason we get accused of being controlling.

how much does anyone feel they are being watched on social media (like here?) and is it only because you share a computer with them?

I recently had to report something that was continual harrassment to me, to the police, just because i was told to at least report it, and it wasn't something that could be pinned on FW.. but, it stopped after months of day after day harrassment. It hasnt happened since reporting it, but the police couldn't have acted in such a short time, my follow up interview wasn't until some days later even. It this just cooincidence or should I be freaked out that I'm being watched. I know its very very easy to do if someone has the inclination to, but its totally freaking me out. There are just too many coincidences, or is it time to check myself in somewhere for a head defrag!

Yes sugar - they feel quite legitimate in accusing us of being controlling/mad/abusive because in their mind we seem to be the ones controlling him and his emotions. We have the power to make him feel good and safe but they hate they are dependent on us for this. Which is our fault as well. How dare we do that to him!

See, makes perfect sense!!

I think head defrag for now. But keep your wits about you. I know how crazy-headed that FWs can make us but as much as it sometimes sounds ridiculous the things you think they might be doing, sometimes they are. Other times not, so that's where the confusion can lie. I am still not entirely sure whether FW was recording me around the house, but he certainly wanted me to think he was secretly watching me.
Are you keeping a log of it?

thanks Pony yes, i was urged to report it by others and eventually i did, but after months daily, it stopped that day and still no sign?

I thought I had shaken off that dread feeling when it all goes quiet, but.... its all gone quiet.