Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships 30

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Well filled all the divorce papers out, showed H a copy so he wouldn't contest the divorce and he seemed quite resigned to it. Felt great. Then H came out of bathroom white as a sheet saying he had coughed up some blood. I do believe him as he has been saying he has a permanent sore throat for weeks. He is an ex smoker and a drinker so i am now putting the divorce on hold until this is sorted.

I just wonder what I have done to deserve such a shit life. Years of stress with asperger son, a severely disabled GC who I help care for, 40 years living with an abusive, selfish man who I just want to get away from and now this! I am usually a glass half full person but last night after H disappeared off for 8 un contactable hours I was hoping he was dead in a car accident so I just don't have to deal with this.

I'll be fine tomorrow. Everyone who matters to me is otherwise well, the GCs are adorable, I will get away from him one day soon! and even better! with this sore throat HE HAS SHUT UP ALMOST COMPLETELY . It's so peaceful

to everyone. Hello to the posters I haven't come across before!

CurtWild Stay strong... perhaps think of that Nigella moment when the spaghetti head comes on, and go with the plan of not engaging/doing something else. If he starts kicking off or trying to "punish" you, you know he's not respecting you, and he isn't sincere.

Antonia Exp used to puke/cough up blood when we argued. (Though technically I never saw it, I believed him.) It happened with regularity, though not at other times, just when we fought, especially if I was trying to leave. Eventually I learned to stop engaging. In fact, it didn't happen as much when I stopped responding/caring for him. I believe he was being sick, but I think he caused it, both by not caring for himself (he had reflux he didn't try to control, and he would not eat if we were arguing, making it worse) and as a purposeful response. I truly wouldn't put the divorce on hold, if you're ready. After this throat is handled (which I suspect will take months) there will be something else.

Finally, today marks one month of freedom from exp. Some horrible wobbly moments, but overall, I've felt much happier, being free and safe. Another fortnight and I'll pass the longest I've ever been rid of him, a previous time I left. I'm much more confident this time around, this time he can't contact me, doesn't know where I'm living, and my head is much clearer.

sadie well done to you! Glad you're happy and safe!!

sadie brilliant news, here's to happy times ahead for you - FW free

Contact went ok, I made him a coffee and he watched a DVD with DD1 whilst the twins pottered between the living room, and the kitchen where I was baking. He kept asking if I was going to watch the film as he thought the twins would settle into it more if I was there. I gave it an hour then joined them for the last bit. All in all not much to report. He was 'normal' (I refuse to call it exceptionally well behaved anymore!) and the DC enjoyed their afternoon.

Sent me quite a long, gushy text last night about missing us while he's away and living for the few hours he's in our company at the weekend, and that he knows he doesn't really deserve the time of day. I responded that it's good to see the DC have an enjoyable time during contact and that as long as we continue to have a positive experience in each other's company, then I'm happy to continue the skyping, weekend visits etc. I think that was a pretty neutral, child orientated reply so..onward with the week!

Morning all, hope you had nice weekends without too much FWittery.

Mine was ok and FW was ok mainly which made me wobble. But actually he was a bit stroppy at times and shouted at our dd and said things like "you two gang up on me" which I know isn't normal.

On way to work was steeling myself again and remembered two things that happened in terms of his impact on major life events:

1. when my beloved gran died, my db texted me when we were on hols to tell me (not ideal, but he meant well). instead of supporting me FW was really angry with my db.
2. when my ds announced her pregnancy (her first) FW was really angry because we can't have any more, and because she was havng a baby at the same time as my db - so thought our dd would get left out.

and I am definitely walking on eggshells most of the time.

planning to do the online freedom programme later this week .

thinking of writing down some of these major moments and keeping them in my wallet to remember at times of wobbles!

waiting to get my mediation appt for assessment, after that I'll tell him I've been and that they will write to him, doesn't seem much point saying anything more til then.

May. I understand what you are saying and I am now desperate to get away from him now I have finally made up my mind. He has not had a pattern like your ex so this is new. He does say his sore throat is due to shouting despite years of heavy drinking and smoking! He has a drs appointment today and if they suspect cancer he will see a specialist very quickly, so there won't be months of delay before I find out what is happening.

However much I want to walk away my conscience won't let me until he has some answers. I know he doesn't deserve anything from me but I don't want him to leave me with a legacy of guilt along with all the other shit.

Thanks though for replying

Should say I have NC from Antoniabegonia as I think H has cottoned on to my posting here.

stopping by to say hello, i was here a long time ago and been through hell and back -nearlyithink! I recognise some familiar names from then and I have nc since. I don't know if my story is helpful to any.

I finally left my abusive relationship without really knowing what i was doing or why just couldn't take any more of the head-fucking, losing my mind and the over-whelming self-doubts installed into me by him.

I think I should have left it far earlier when there was a lot more of me to leave. AFter leaving it took a long time of still pretending we could be adult about things to realise HE couldn't.

I was shocked by his behaviour towards our DC after leaving which showed me, now he had nothing to lose, how low and disgusting an abuser he was. the shock of discovering he was so abusive after theevent pulled me up short and i realised how very terrified of him i was and am still trying not to be.

I was emotionally and psychologically battered for far too many years before escaping and look back with regrets at what the DC experienced which i just spent my life surviving and battling through until it was finally over. Regretting giving so much of my life energy to something so rotten and sinister.

Court /services/agencies were all additional traumas, and now? Dealing with the fallout, having opened my eyes to much that most haven't seen, learnt from and changed, grown and diminished.

I only hope for my DC, better, much better. To know boundaries and respect and knowing when to just walk away and that be ok, for whatever reasons that don't have to be justified, just because you don't want to any more.

huge courage and strength to all going through this, to know life doesn't have to be this way and to move towards better for ourselves.

omg I killed the thread

sugar I'm so glad you managed to do it- thanks for the update. It's amazing how clear everything is in retrospect. Well done for making a better life for your kids!

I'm avoiding everything at the moment... Sorry, serious backsliding here! But getting a plan together. I need it to be his fault that I leave him, so to speak, so I've clearly spelled it out for him that he needs to put consideration for me/what I want/my choices, preferences at the forefront. So far he's totally not done that on about 5 occasions. So I have documented reasons to present him with. I know it's ridiculous but I need to justify things to ... not sure who but I need to!

Hi all.

Thatsnotmyname - it's not ridiculous I understand completely.

The last few weeks for me have been a rollercoaster. I had my appointment at the solicitors. Very insightful and felt in control.
The following day I told h I didn't want to be with him anymore. I was tired of trying.
I had imagined having that conversation and being devastated. But I was incredibly strong. However he begged me not to do this. Promised he would change etc. I've heard it all a thousand times before.
We had been invited to a wedding that weekend. I told him I was going on my own. Which I did.

So fast forward

I have had same conversation with him 3 times. We are still in family home albeit own rooms. He doesn't want to admit or accept it's over. He is being really nice and helping out in home etc.
I know that he is waiting for me to give in. I won't.
The next step is for one of us to move out but for some reason I just can't do it. I feel so bad.

FFF I was wondering how you were- you've co e so far and sound very strong, amazing. No advice, just stick to your line. Does one of you need to move out? Are you going to put the house on the market? (I will be in a similar position one dar ) stay strong!

FFF you're taking steps, that's a start. Keep being strong, you're making progress!

sugar you didn't kill the thread I've noticed this thread tends to lull here and there as people are struggling with things or trying to take a step back to regroup. I check the thread every day, however, sometimes I cannot post - either because my dcs are nearby and one can read, so I don't want him seeing what I am posting (obviously not appropriate) or because I'm stressed and I don't want that to colour anything I post if I'm trying to be supportive to someone else (you know, those "Eeyore" days where you just feel gloomy).

I'm working on detaching again this week. I think I've done quite well, but obviously part of that means that I cannot focus on KD at all, so I avoid posting. (and that's the only mention he gets today)

Thanks

No we can both stay at the family home but I don't want to give him false hopes either. For now we are both staying put.
I have told both DS what is happening and they have been fab.
I suppose I'm waiting for him to get fed up of being nice and putting in all this effort - I know he can't keep it up because it's not natural to him.
For now I feel in control.

Alice - well done keep on swimming

Alice thats kind thank you. I did just sneak back in to see if the thread was still dead! I hope you might be feeling more tiggerish today, or even pigglety?

wasn't sure what 'KD' is?

thats - thank you for the credit you gave. Oh, and you're right! absolutely right, no justifications needed and if he's a FW he won't ever put your choices/views first? He may, temporarily, on a need to hoover basis, but only because its a tool to manipulate you with.

FFF I always believed control to be such an awful thing, till I realised I was allowed to be in control of my own life, and you have it, keep it

KD = kid's dad.

sugar definitely not an Eeyore day today. Perhaps more Rabbit - lots of hopping around, getting things done, a bit annoyed at minor things, but all in all still a good day.

Hi all..KD still skyping DC every night, which I'm ok with atm as they've got the hang of it now and keep him entertained the entire time

I also told him there's no need to call every night and I'd prefer we play it by ear. He's agreed it might have been a bit ott and he'll tone it down. So far so good.

Feel a little less spaghetti headed for cutting back on the phone calls, and after initially trying to use skype as a means to chat with me, he seems to have realised it's DC time not check up on curt time!

ha! Rabbit, yes, all good

Is anyone using FW? is KD a transitional arrangment?

Curt - court refused skype time, even though others tried to tell me if would have to be allowed, it wasn't, because of exactly that reason, the FW was more interested in peering into my life, same went for Apple products.

Curt that's one of the main reasons I refused to allow KD to skype the dcs... it was pretty obvious that he was looking at it as a means of keeping track of me as well. Besides, the few times he has talked to the dcs on the phone (at my request on their birthdays and such), he's literally talked to them a total of 2-3 minutes... and that's including MIL chatting to them both too!!! I can't see faffing about with skype for a 2 minute conversation.

sugar I saw someone else using KD and adopted it. It reduces my relationship with him to him being the KD, rather than my ex. Kind of helps me detach a bit more in my head. Stbx (which is technically what he is) makes him sound quite tied to me still. KD is just that... KD.

alice luckily DC think skyping is awesome, so I just set them up with the laptop on the kitchen table then potter around washing up the tea things!

Oh, he's asked if I'll re-activate my facebook so we can re-friend each other. I suspect he thinks I actually still have it and have just blocked him. I haven't. FB is something I'm just happier without, and I'm not re-activating it just to lay his suspicions to rest.

I blocked KD from my FB. He was using it to track when I was online and what I was doing. He was "liking" everything I posted and it was like he was breathing down my neck. I couldn't post anything about what I was doing - he was monitoring EVERYTHING! He can see who your friends are and all sorts. A word of advice - do NOT put him on FB. He is your ex. NOT your friend.

God, he really is pulling out all stops to keep tabs on you, isn't he?

Initially I blocked him, then people started messaging me the bullshit he was spreading at the time, so I cut my losses and got rid of the damn thing all together. I really don't miss it at all.

I don't think he realises I have Twitter (my tweets are protected anyway)

Ooooh I have Twitter but never "twit" hahahahahaa

Mainly because I didn't know how to protect them... how do I do that, if you could tell me please?