How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

he truly is trying to paint you as a mixed up alcoholic with paranoid delusions. he is desperate about something. Does he know your plans? Can you tell your parents about the latest stuff - would they help?

This is awfully similar to stunts my stbxh is pulling. They don't want the children. They just want us to be afraid of leaving them. He's trying to make you think you'd never cope without him. But of course you can, you've been doing it already. Good luck.

He will apply for custody because he knows how much it would hurt you, its bugger all to do with wanting the kids and everything to do with winning.

He is attempting to gaslight you, you need to get out because he will convince your enabling parents that you are at fault. Can you get the non molestation order before the papers are served? You possibly need to ring the police and get this logged too?

I can't believe he has set you up to look like an alcoholic.

He is definitely planning this to use this against you to harm your relationship with your children, in the case of separation.

Seriously, amazing that the papers are due to come through by the end of the week.

Amaaazing! Huge congrats fro coming this far.

So please, in the meanwhile DO NOT go anywhere just you and him. Do not engage with him. Your parents are on your side, although they may not show it all the time. They will be on your side when it comes to it.

You don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to. He is using your parents' presence to get you in the position he wants you in.

Thank you!!

It's ok - much to all your disapproval I answered the call and played it well - I reminded him that my Dad had open heart surgery last year so I didn't want to add to their stress whatsoever - he completely agreed, he wouldn't do that - everything will be fine - it was 'come on babe, I'm sorry I haven't supported you, I know you're on anti d's and have hormone problems (another reason for us constantly falling out) but we can do this, we can have a nice life'

So another curveball swerved for now, although this will not be the last I hear of it - I just played a sad, downcast, tired routine which in a way is like the proverbial you wouldn't kick a person who's down - it forced him into the sympathetic act while he no doubt was thinking, yes! 1-0 to H.

Oh and I did say it had upset me about what he had meant about building a case on me but he denied he was doing that, yeah right Fuckwit!

I will re read all your wise words from this section again now that I'm not so panicked, because the support is amazing Thank you

You don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to

Haha!

Please don't spend any more time alone with this fuckwit.
Plan your exit, make this your main focus.

Yes he would deny that because he was probably recording it!

Probably recording it? He definitely was, I'd put money on it.

So far he's painted you as a woman with a drink problem, mental health issues including paranoia, you're on anti depressants and now, the latest! you've got hormone problems as well. And all nicely documented and stored away for future use.

This divorce is going to be time-consuming, exhausting and very expensive. Once you're out of his clutches he's going to deny you access to a penny as well. Be prepared

Oh shit! What an utter toss pot he is.

His little game is about control nothing else. He's trying to get everyone around and more importantly YOU to believe that you have/you are a problem. Which is his way of trying to force you to think = You won't manage+nobody will believe anything that you say+you'll lose the kids+you should stay with me. ALL of it is total bollocks, you know that, Thank God!

You must continue to be careful, he's beginning to ramp up the level of fuckery now because he can see his hold loosening. Don't underestimate the level he's willing to sink to, to drag you down, he's showing you.
Yes to trying to record him
Yes to no engaging in arguments or discussions likely to end in one. Stay calm, stay focused but most importantly stay safe name
Take care.

Agreed Squid, thank you. I will avoid at all costs going out with him for now and have the escape plan on my mind.

If he recorded that then I don't think I came off too bad - he was the one sounding persuasive and overly eager - I sounded fed up and sad and didn't say anything incriminating.

I know this divorce is going to be really hard. Should I tell the solicitor what he's been up to with these smear campaigns?

Bitter is right - a smear campaign is on.

I'd be very surprised if he actually wanted the dc - he wants to hurt you, to take control of what he can do to you, to malign you to everyone (neighbours, family, friends, colleagues) to make it seem like the marriage broke down because of you... Whatever it is for, it is damaging and hurtful. Not least for you, but also for your dc. He is not thinking of them at all.

Stop engaging with him.

Thank you Carb that has made me feel a lot better

You should certainly tell your Solicitor about the smear campaign, keep and print out texts etc and make a note of the phone calls and their contents.

You could send an e mail like a diary entry with dates and times etc. It's all ammunition.

His motives are so transparent it's pathetic

Make sure in any conversation with him that you remain calm and that to anything he says which is a lie, you calmly say 'You know that's not true. Don't lie.' Imagine/assume that every conversation is being recorded. Make sure you sound calm and no ranting perhaps a bit baffled he should be saying such things and no wine.

A friend of mine (male) has been recording conversations with his abusive STBX as she keeps gas lighting him and taking advantage of some neurological issues he has the utter bitch, by lying, denying things and telling him hasn't heard/understood what she said correctly. So he has started to have his iPhone in his pocket on record when they have to have conversations. His solicitor says the recordings can not be used in court as evidence but they do give a very good picture to the lawyers of who they are up against. I have heard some of what he has recorded and she has lied to my face, obviously not knowing I have heard her bullying and threatening him, and denied any such thing. I called her on it , said I didn't believe her, but I couldn't actually say 'because I heard you,' but I was able to quote back to her some of the things she said to him, threats etc, but she carried on lying to me. She is now very definitely an ex-friend.

Low key all the way…just get out safely asap

Also get yourself a new thread started so you can continue getting lovely MN support as you get through this. Only a few posts to go before this one goes pfft

Right will do ATM thank you

Sorry about your friend Fantastic, she sounds an utter cow taking advantage of illness Great advice though - I will get emailing the solicitor and will start a new thread! (my new one should be all about having LTB once and for all!)

Oh my love, it feels like I've been away for so long and missed so much.

He's getting more desperate, and so more cunning and even more untrustworthy than before. Tread super carefully, and absolutely watch your back. Like the others have said, try as hard as you can to steer clear of situations where he can manipulate and twist your words and actions, like meals or drinks. Feign illness or exhaustion, but don't drink with him - it plays right into his hands. As OTT as it might seem, I wouldn't put it past him to spike your drink, watch your reaction and film you, just to show what a irresponsible drunk you are. Hideous bloody man.

Stay strong, your future is out there waiting for you and soon enough, you'll be free of him and his ridiculous shackles that have made you unhappy for so long. And then, imagine how bloody amazing that glass of wine will taste then!

Name, I am very worried about you. He is one of those people who is not afraid to plumb the depths - some people can sink so low you don't believe it is possible, and then they'll go even lower....

Please contact WA again, let them know what's going on. And yes, your lawyer too, absolutely.

Please try not to be left alone at home with him. You need the papers to be served before your parents leave preferably. If that can't be done, then ask WA if you can get in a refuge until such time as he is gone.

Oh thank you Ears! it's a scary thought him spiking my drink but I am just going to avoid any situation where we would be alone drinking again. Actually now that I'm off the sauce he can't expect me to go out at all so maybe in a way it's good this has happened.

I hear you Jux thank you - i still believe timing is off the essence but I am being very careful - I think I know how to play it now but obviously when someone is as unpredictable as he is, being on my guard and keeping safe is paramount. I get it.

I've started a new thread by the way - I couldn't cut and past a link so just to let you know it's called Work stress? Err I don't think so mate!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2174553-Work-Stress-Err-dont-think-so-mate

:)

Last post!!

I've never had a last post before!