How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Oh love, you and me and a million women stayed with our abusers until we were a total mush. You, I'm, not the only ones! This it how it goes: they weave a web and we get stuck fast because it's DESIGNED to get us, anybody, stuck fast.

After I left ex I researched brainwashing and these are the techniques abusers use. Everyone - except perhaps a psychopath? - is susceptible to these techniques, regardless how bright or together the victim is.

So don't be beating yourself up eh xxx

Haha!! I know, I totally know...Jesus!

But yes definitely not on or of this planet and hence so good at playing the victim.

Christ sake! I'm going down to a family friend tomorrow with the kids for a night. Definitely wasn't met with the old enthusiasm he used to have about me going out and doing my own thing now that he thinks I am a slutty cheat :D

Thank you Daffs x

thename you are an awesome and incredibly buoyant soul. I have no idea how you'll play this but I'm absolutely certain that you'll be out of there soon as ... please don't be seduced by any of the charades aimed at you (i don't think you'll be fooled) ...

Would this be handy to escape the freaky week or two you have ahead?

You'll be free soon ...

Hi name
Keep strong hun, he should have done the family films and filling up before!
remember, why you started all this and what you need in the future for you and your kids :)

Thanks trifle that was lovely buoyant soul made me smile

Too right Rudie too little too late in a way X

You're an astonishing woman, you know. Nothing keeps you down

So glad you're off tomorrow. Give yourself a break from the brainwashing. How would he react if you rang on Thursday and said you were staying a bit longer? (Could you stay a bit longer?) You said upthread that he said he wanted you to live your life, offered to get a nanny so you could.....

Urgh I'm trying Jux but thank you

Yes am thinking of staying longer than one night - it's just the pesky hamsters again as can't bring them with me this time - although now H is back on the scene he can come back at some point and check on them!

He's on his way home now - god that was a sinking feeling when he phoned to tell me, was hoping he was going to stay out - wonder what we'll watch tonight...Kramer vs Kramer?

Time for a bit of packing for your trip and an early night for you and the girls. No films no communication. Definately stay a few nights he can be responsible for the hamsters.

You're amazing. Watch Jaws and give him meaningful looks

This bit won't go on forever. One day you will look back and it will be a distant memory.

Thinking of you, stay strong and resolute that you know you need to leave with the girls.

I have just read this entire thread from beginning to end.

When you read it like that, it's like a story. Well actually, more like a bloody roller coaster!

But the thing that I want to scream at the computer is PLEASE, PLEASE name, do not get seduced by all the bullshit he is spouting to you.

It is so obvious what he is trying to do. So bloody obvious. And I (and everyone else on this thread - absolutely everyone!) am willing you not to give in to it.

I am pretty sure you won't. I am sure you are playing his game now and know what you are doing. You have been so strong.

Stay strong name.

Haha wellwell that was funny Thanks Random :)

Thank you so much Pasanda, I hear you (and everyone else) loud and clear

I did try and avoid him Petunia but he doesn't make it easy. My good friend came up in conversation last night and he pulled an emotional act which basically said 'I don't want you to see her anymore' but he actually said it's ok you can see her, while looking glum and hurt.

He blames her for poisoning my mind and encouraging the snog.

Actually it is he who is to blame for my unhappiness.

It can be hard seeing it all as an act - by nature I want everything to be ok and live in the moment - but an act it all is. Bloody annoying that he has stopped the ignoring though and now makes a point of answering me when I speak

Have had a letter from my solicitor confirming I can still use my statements of unreasonable behaviour which talked about him living apart from me and spending hundreds on drinking even though he has now moved back - because it was right at the time of filing them at court.

Nervous!

Just keep on with your plan! He is not bloody well in charge of who you can see and who you can't see, he can fuck off with that.

This all sounds so bloody hard and he sounds an absolute nightmare. Just because he has been 'nice' for a few hours does not take away from all his shoddy behaviour in the past which has indeed been massively unreasonable, so of course you should continue with your statements of unreasonable behaviour.

He has only moved back in obviously because he's got wind of your plan to ditch him. In his mind you are both 'trying again' while in your mind you are going along with it (toothy grins), humouring him until you can get this divorce under way.

If he is saying your friend influenced you to behave badly then he doesn't think much of your ability to make your own decisions does he?

Perhaps your next film watched together should be The War of the Roses

Thank you fantastic Love The War of the Roses! Great suggestion

This is definitely hard - the longer it continues, the more pleasant he is and seemingly supportive then the more secure I feel here at home. Even though I know it's an act and that we are in the honeymoon phase again it still isn't easy to believe it - still, after all this time, after being here time and time again - I still take 'njce H' as genuine.

I have been reading my Living with the dominator book for the freedom prog - I have been looking to him for 'protection' our entire relationship, while he has painted me as whatever, a right idiot most of the time....and I believed this too. I must have held the shared belief that women were inferior to let him do it

I've bloody started smoking again - not much, just one or two at night when the DD's are in bed. Nothing tells me I am feeling the pressure more than that as I never smoke alone - only very very occasionally when socialising

Anyway - we're off to family friends - it's possible I may see my parents as my 'Aunt' hasn't been well hence the visiting - she's been texting me to see how I am and that they haven't taken sides. I am being pleasant and polite but I don't talk about my situation at all with them now.

Thank you again everyone for your very much valued support and advice

He has only moved back in obviously because he's got wind of your plan to ditch him. In his mind you are both 'trying again' while in your mind you are going along with it (toothy grins), humouring him until you can get this divorce under way.

This. Exactly

I bet you never realised what an amazing actress you are

Thinking of you

Delurking to say I think you're awesome.

KOKO

Stay strong

Thank you so much I'm really trying to stay strong and yes Random, who knew I could be such a good actress!

I saw a brilliant new GP today because I've run out of anti D's so needed a new prescription - told her everything and she has given me a number for a counselling service so I'll call them tomorrow to join the waiting list. She talked about the kids and their experiences and that is why I need to stay strong if I keep veering towards putting myself last.

The freedom prog book was a real eye opener and I can see why the course can be uncomfortable for some people because you have to face yourself and your 'beliefs' and the part you have played as well, it's not just all about the abuser.

I'm getting there - I wouldn't know about the freedom prog if it wasn't for MN

helps too except I'm the only drinker here tonight !!

Name, you are doing so well, fantastically in fact.

Are you at your friend's house now? How long are you staying?

I hope you are being cossetted and are having a good time

Delurking just to say stay strong, you CAN do this, you will soon be free and your kids will grow up safe and happy.

Keep reminding yourself that his current behaviour is all an act, not reality, don't get sucked in with his "performance", remember your truth and keep your goal in mind, yes it will be hard, but further down the track you will be free and it will be so worth it, good luck.

I'll go back to lurking but remember there are people from all over the world silently willing you on, we have been there and come out the other side and you will too

Your new GP sounds good. If you feel yourself waivering just read back your posts on this thread to remind yourself how bad it was only a few short weeks ago, that behaviour is the reality of your relationship, his current behaviour is the biggest bestest act he can put on, but he won't be able to keep it up got long. KOKO you can do this.

Hope you're now at your friends.

The thing is......his now behaving normally shows that he can do it and also, he knows how a normal husband should behave which proves...that...it ...has...all...been...deliberate. Scary!

Yes it is really really scary to think someone can & will control themself so much