How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Yep, you sure can :) meh, his health, his responsibility. You've told him about it, its up to him to make sure its not something that'll kill him

And an emotional abuser? Ha! Well thats good news really, if youre so abusive he should leave you!

I meant go visit someone you know, if they don't have space just get a room nearby type of thing x

His blaming of your friend is also a typical response because he can't face facts and take the blame for his appalling treatment of you.
I was once blamed for the end of my friends marriage by her husband.
He got drunk and decided to bellow at me in the street that he held me responsible
I told him quite a few home truths that day basically along the lines of - ''If it makes you feel better to blame me for the physical, emotional, financial and sometimes sexual abuse that you've forced your wife to endure through 20 years of hell with you - then be my guest, I'm not scared of you''
His accusation was because I supported my friend, eventually helping her see that his behaviour and treatment was far from normal. He'd really worn her down and forced away any self respect or hope she had a long time ago.

She left him, divorced him and found happiness being alone with her dc for a while. She's recently remarried a lovely gentle guy who worships her and is a world away from her xh.

Perhaps getting away (although would be great) would provoke him which is what you are trying not to do so you can just get out safely. Sounds like you need to act as 'normal' as possible and try not to get into stuff which means you have to engage with him. You are biding your time.

You are doing really well against tremendous provocation. Just to add to soapy's relaxation technique, though, the breathing you can do even while he's ranting at you as it is only as noticeable as you want it to be.

Breathe in through your nose to a count of 3 and out through your mouth to a count of 5. You do can do it very discreetly and he won't notice at all. Do it at least 3 times. Apparently it acts on the autonomic system (or something - I've said it lots of times on various threads!) which will release calming chemicals into your brain. It doesn't matter how fast you count as long the outbreath takes longer than the inbreath.

I didn't believe it when I was told to do it by my neuropsych (I have ms) but in the middle of one of the tests my mind went completely blank. She put down her papers and told me to do the breathing. I was astonished - the blankness disappeared, I answered the question easily and was fine.

Please do it. It is a fantastic resource.

Hope today doesn't go too bad. I'm back to school so will check that the bastards haven't ground you down later on KOKO name you are the strong one they (dh and parents) are flawed. You can survive this

Yep, who cares if he dies of apnoea or an adder bite. That is how they get you in the end. Their treatment of you turns you into someone that thinks like this. There are lovely men out there that are not like this though. Decent blokes would be horrified at his behaviour. Can you imagine if you could video him and play it to his work colleagues. They would see him in a different light PDQ.

Agree with jux about the breathing. I was taught it slightly different (in for 4, hold for 7, out for 8) but it really does work! :)

Self-employed eh. Pffft, not great for you re the split. He doesn't sign the PAYE contract because he doesnt like being beholden to anyone. Classic controller, basically...

Could you, perhaps, do a miss mouse routine, all feminine and fragile, and weep like a little doll that the stress of his s/e is too much for you; you know you were bad to snog a boy but the stress got too much... If he could just get on the payroll you know you would be much more relaxed and in a position to work on the marriage/be a compliant doll...

Needs must.

I think poor name is currently putting up with not only H but her parents! We possibly won't get much from her for a while as she'll be in self preservation mode. name you are in my thoughts, hope you can get back here at some point

Thank you everyone so much [thanks[

Parents actually not too bad at the moment - they seem on my side not that we're talking about things that much.

H on the other hand seems to be waging a campaign against me and last night I well and truly let myself down again with a combo of too much wine and no dinner.

He wanted to have a drink with me at a local pub at 9.30 last night after he'd played football. He suggested it because we had babysitting. I was nervous (it doesn't matter whether sober, tipsy or pissed - every time I sit across from him in a pub or restaurant it eventually turns nasty)

I had 3 or 4 glasses with my mum before going out. It turned last night because the contract came up - and his sisters rent which I had to pay yesterday and then here's the mind bending bit - I wasn't really drinking my wine - he had got me a huge glass before I'd got there and whilst sitting with him I wasn't drinking all that quickly as it wasn't going down too easily so he definitely expressed concern at that to which I was saying 'it's fine, it's nice, I'm drinking it' - he went to get another one for him and was asking did I want another - I really didn't but I ended up with another - I did agree to it but that was because he asked me a couple of times again with the faux concern.

When he came back that's when things kicked off.

It's all a set up - I think I had better stop drinking full stop - I have definitely been using it as a crutch, along with the anti depressants and it is the only thing he has on me but is he making a massive deal out of it.

Funny because he completely encourages it - I should have said no last night but my dad was on at me to go, H was on at me to go and sounded all upbeat

He was raising his voice at me this morning trying to be in ear shot of my parents - saying I demanded another drink, that I am lying when I say he encouraged me (I couldn't drink any of the wine by the way) and that why do I always do this - I have a problem with alcohol - I probably will get to keep the kids but this is why I don't want to go to counselling etc

I told him to stay the fuck away from me and called him a mind bending arsehole. I also said I think I will call his mother today and tell her everything (which I won't obviously) but he is really putting this on me now that my parents are here.

Thank you for all the breathing tips though and the continued support

It means the world to me

I think stopping drinking might be good, to lessen the fear he will use it against you down the line. You could say you're on a detox or on a new diet or something if you don't want to make it about the booze.

Hi name
god your teeth must ache from clenching them and coping with such an overbearing arse. As always my dear you are doing a sterling job, I long for the day I look for this post and your day of reckoning has come, and this man who makes your life such a misery has no power, no claim, no scope. Keep your dignity, keep your head held high, This bully will not win. Here's three cheers to you hun! You're doing fantastic, you will win! xx

Could you try keeping very calm and just repeating 'I don't know why you're saying this, you know it isn't true' everytime he starts playing to his audience?

Try not to engage with him at all, however infuriating he gets.

Yes agree Bland - I'm going to just stop as of today, I'll just say I'm over it and don't fancy it anymore. Bastard - I'm not an alcoholic, I just tend to not have an off switch when I drink wine - obviously it isn't good and I'm not making excuses but I know lots of people who are the same if not worse - but me? Ooh no, I am a problem, this is problem drinking and he loves it. He will never let this go and it will be the first thing he fires back at the solicitor.

Thank you so much Rudie bloody hope so!!

Good thought cashpoint, think I will -keeping calm is key I think.

Just wish my bloody parents weren't here. I can cope better alone rather than having to carry them as well - my mum was concerned H was being off with her! So bloody what woman, it's me he's got the real problem with!!

YOU NEED TO STOP GOING OUT FOR DRINKS OR DINNER WITH HIM! Sorry to shout, but you need to avoid that situation. Next time he suggests it, a bad headache, or anything will do, but do not let yourself be bullied into being out and sitting across a table from him.

And anyway, if he really did have concerns about my drinking then why the hell did he stay in a flat 40 minutes away from the family home for 3 months, why did he leave us completely alone for weeks on end, why has he been spending hundreds on his own drinking and never claiming it back?

My girls are happy, well fed, bright, dressed, at school every day - they are not known to social services, they are not neglected - how dare he.

Bastard, I bloody love a wine as well

Diet is probably easiest, covers alcohol and eating out then.

Also the antidepressants, perhaps tell him that six glasses of wine is hardly alcoholic levels, so maybe if you came across as that drunk, it was reacting with your tablets, so best to have a little rest from it for a while :)

Please, above all, keep yourself safe until you can leave.

Shouting is needed! Thank you Fantastic! X

Thank you too Beyond x

Well he has just phoned and has spoken to Alcoholics Anonymous on my behalf

I don't really know what else to say - he has got a number of a lady for me to call who sympathised with him.

My god.

I really think you need to contact Womens' Aid and get some professional advice and an exit plan in place for as soon as your parents leave.

Umm yes. I think he is showing you quite clearly that the longer you stay, they more he will find things to twist like this. And the next faux concerned call might be to social services.

Right ok - have just had an email from the solicitor saying she should have papers by the one of the week.

Bloody hell - it's all kicking off

End of the week I meant