How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

That makes it even more important to contact Womens' Aid urgently and get an exit plan sorted.

The most important thing is to keep yourself and your children safe when he has the papers served on him.

I am still

He has sent me 12 texts - he loves me, he's just as much to blame, he has fucked up to, wants to work things out, he'll go to any course or whatever just sign him up, this is for the kids.

I spoke to this aa lady, I know aa has it's place but she sounded like her marriage problems had been because of her drinking, not the other way round. I said thank you very much but this isn't for me just yet.

It's the same as when he got the counsellor to call me.

Keep the texts.

He's hell bent on making everything your fault isn't he.

Please get away from this dangerously manipulative, abusive man.

I think he has been advised to put you in the worst light possible, in front of witnesses - whilst also appearing to have documented evidence that he is 'trying his best'. Hence the texts that he can show in court and trying to hard to get you the help you need.

Devious odious little bastard.

Luckily, you're already on the freedom program before this 'alcoholism' claim, so if it came to it, a court could see that trying to escape an abusive man before he decided you were an alcoholic :)

Yes agree Ribena. I said well done I know what you are doing. He was all spluttery and I'm not doing anything.

This was always what he said he would do if I divorce him - call me an alcoholic. I said that to the policeman when giving the statement and he said it's the oldest one in the book.

I don't know what he hopes to achieve as it's not as if he can work his hours around childcare - his daughters would never forgive him as they are much closer to me. I would never not be in their lives - what the hell is he trying to do with this, is it just scaremongering?

You know he phoned me being nice yesterday which soon transpired to be because he wanted money to go to his sister. I used that as an opportunity to tell him I wanted him to sign his contract which he agreed. Last night at the pub however it was him who brought the contract up and got very angry about signing it......god I absolutely hate him and he knows it.

That's true thanks beyond :)

Thanks ATM and bland

It's all to get you back in your box, under his control and being a good, obedient, compliant wife. He's using your parents being there to try to get them on his side.

It's partly scaremongering to see how much he's allowed to get away with. The more he gets away with the more he will stretch the boundaries to get what he wants.

You are seeing through him now, which makes his task that much more difficult If he realises that you have, expect him to accelerate all the arguments and accusations.

Please do contact Womens' Aid. I think you need a foolproof escape plan that you can put into operation immediately if you need to.

He's phoning me in 20 minutes - told me in a text that he has 'realised that I am not functioning in the real world and that I am living in a paranoid space convinced everyone is out to get me'

Wtf? He has never said anything that profound before.

This is the crazy making stuff isn't it, Christ alive! I have told him if he pulls this shit out of the bag tonight in front of my parents, trying to get them on side then I will never forgive him. Hence the phone call coming in 20 minutes.

Sorry that didn't read right - he has realised this about me not him - I'm the paranoid one and he needs help dealing with me hence the reaching out to counsellors and bloody AA

He's full of it isn't he. Doesn't he have work to do??
The one 'not in the real world' is him, by a large margin.

Name - get the papers out, and tell him that all contact goes through solicitors from now on. And stick to it - NO CONTACT, not going out for cosy drinks (where he can abuse you), no opening yourself up to more of his manipulation (AA, SS, who else? School? Now he's after the Mental health authority cos you are 'paranoid'? )

NO CONTACT. NO EMAILS, TEXTS, CONVERSATION. All through solicitors. Otherwise you will find yourself in a hole of his making.

And you don't have to talk to him, jsut because he's phoned you!

Yes, that is what he is doing. So that in court it makes you look like a loon. And him like the caring husband dealing with a mentalist wife.

You need to get out!

You don't have to answer the phone to him, you know that don't you? Let it go to voice mail or just turn it off.

And please ring WA and get your escape plan sorted out. I think if it's going to be able to happen this week then you need to get your parents out of the house and into a hotel until their own house is ready otherwise the 3 of them will all be there having his pity party when you have had to get to safety.
FGS don't tell them the real reason though - your dad would probably tell STBXH that the papers were coming.

Christ Almighty ... I thought there were similarities with my bastard ex but yours is in a different league entirely.

Mine was a pussycat compared to this. You know Name one of the best things in your armoury is this thread. It documents the whole sorry saga ... event by event, word by word, text by text.

Good point Font. Name - I have saved the whole thing in a pdf file and if you ever need it - it's here for you if you need it. Just in case this goes poof ever.

Of one thing you can be absolutely certain: that when he phones he will be recording the call for future reference. If you ever needed a reason to not answer the phone to him, this is it.

He's stepping it up to "maximum" now and you need to be extremely wary. If I had a choice I'd be on the phone to WA right now. I think you need to leave today, not wait until the papers are served. Your parents can take care of themselves and I would not discuss your escape-plans with them at all. They can stay or leave, but you shouldn't be there while they choose.

I fear this is going to get really, REALLY ugly very soon, and I also fear that you are in very grave danger.

He probably won't have any real interest in getting custody of your children but I daresay he'll try to go through with it just to cause the maximum pain you.

I agree with Ribena and captainmummy.
Don't answer the call, just do not pick up put your phone in the toilet.
Going after your mental health is a red line he should not have crossed.
Tell, don't ask, tell your parents to clear out right now. They knew your marriage was in crisis and should have never imposed themselves on you in the first place. Tell them you can visit with them when things have been sorted and settled down, (not that you would have to). If they claim hardship, then you go and take dds with you whatever you do.

Please get back with WA.

He is clearly slandering you. Does anyone know if there any legal route to stop him?

on your behalf.
And breathe...I can use those tips myself. Thanks.

I am angry but because my parents are bloody here I will take the call. I am not going to anger him, I will just sound responsive but that is it. He is such a loose cannon I don't want to risk him turning up tonight and becoming aggressive :(

I am so angry and violated that he did this and phoned AA. He is building a case against me - a case for what though? He can't have custody because of his job. He wouldn't want custody either as that would interfere with his brimming social life. I think he instead will let me have custody but pull one hell of a smear campaign on me - to friends, family, the kids(?), solicitors - everyone :(

Thank you Ribena that is really kind, I may well do and like Font says it is good I have everything documented here. Thank you for the support

Thanks petals and captain - No contact is the only way, I know that, absolutely no contact when he gets the papers.

xpost with Bitter. Plan and act on expecting the worse. Please disconnect now. Don't wait for the worse to happen, then it will be too late.

Cross posts bitter and band sorry - yes I know what you're saying - I will leave as soon as my parents do because I will have the papers ready by then. And the non molestation order obviously.

Fucking hell deep breaths, deep breaths

He is capitalizing on your good manners. Please understand that kind of manipulation. Just because a phone rings, does not mean you have to answer. Same with a knock on the door. Same with someone handing you something...you do not have to lift your hand to receive it, but manipulators know it is a reflexive action and use it to advantage.

Thename: please DO NOT answer the phone to him! You are just about to put your head in the lion's mouth.

I think you need to get out now. Today. Please do not underestimate what damage he may attempt to inflict on you.

He will apply for custody. He will attempt to paint you as mentally incapable of caring for your children, even if it means he has to employ a nanny to take care of them. Do not imagine that he won't do this. He will.