How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Your H's Friday night malarkey sounds a bit ...as if he couldn't decide which story to feed you!
It's good to hear you can observe the manipulative game playing for what it is. That's a huge step forward. You really are keeping your cool in the most difficult circumstances.

I hope you will be ok with your 'full house' this week. Wishing you strength.

It gives you strength - it has minimised him in my mind and suddenly I feel superior. Bravo!

Name Im really concerned that the three of them will start ganging up on you.

Please have a plan B I agree with petunia on the hotel idea.

The H has recruited his Flying Monkeys except that they will be all under the same roof for weeks on end. Bloody hell!

I think you should plan to be out a lot.

When do they all arrive??

When they do give them a takeaway menu and go to gym!

Name you've always been superior, it's just now you are realising it!

Having said that, I've got things growing on my shower curtain that are superior to him....

TheName You are an amazing strong woman and I am in awe.

I don't have much to offer apart from a calming technique that I have used many times over the years.

Sit up straight in a chair with your back resting firmly on it. Plant your feet firmly on the floor, just where they land naturally and put your hands on your knees or firmly hold a cushion. Close your eyes or focus on something in the room, breathe slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth, concentrating on how strongly grounded you are.

I am also available to be a hamster sitter if that would be remotely helpful to you

Oh thanks everyone - soapy thank you for the relaxation advice, I will try that and the hamster sitting offer greatly appreciated

Haha thanks Dinnae, Annette they get here Sunday evening, aunt petunia I'm not as tough as you - I hear your concerns darkest and everyone - I think I'll be ok...

Well here I am 4am, eyes pinged open about half an hour ago. Had the evening from hell - as I predicted, he used Friday nights 'misunderstanding' as a way to lecture, rant and attack about everything. Even though I said let's draw a line under it and forget it. Everything ended up being brought up.

The long and short of it is that I am an emotional abuser, I get him to the point where he kicks off and then I can stand back and proudly watch the broadway show - we are toe to toe over the spit in the face because I worked him up to that too, I stopped him moving back here when he wanted to, I am unreasonable.

Even though I know what he is doing thanks to everybody here's insights and advice, and that I am biding my time and am planning to get out, it is still very draining and sometimes during the ranting I can momentarily doubt myself. It's an onslaught. Always, always an onslaught, he's always the aggrieved one. With his fixed cold eyes with their nasty, dilated pupils. The theme is always that I have been found out and he is ready for me. Ready to teach me a lesson.

I had to apologise for the snog.

I just sat there thinking hurry up Mrs Solicitor, I want this fucker served at work and for him to never contact me again. I don't care what his reaction is going to be, hopefully he'll fucking top himself.

I am aware though everyone that I am now saying the same things over and over again, there's nothing more anyone can say, we all know what he is - I just wish I could come here tomorrow with the update that he's had the papers! Not too much longer now hopefully.

Thank you again everyone

Name, what are you going to do once the papers have been served? Are you still going to the refuge?

Name, just read your thread - it took a while! You're so strong, throughout this thread and all the shit he's thrown at you, you've come across as an amazing woman. It must be so hard being constantly vigilant for his behaviour- don't let him grind you down.

How could you build in some respite in the time before papers are served? Maybe this time when he's moved back in would seem more manageable for you if you had some time out in sight, so you knew that that in x days you'd have the day/night away. Arrange to do some overnighters with friends or the odd hotel.

I think there won't be enough space for your parents being with you for a week so you'll need to go and visit friends for a while

I'd tell arse face he needs to inform you of his plans by email/text only so you cannot possibly misunderstand them What would happen if you stopped answering the phone to him?

Yes Ribena I'm pretty sure i will - I want the non molestation order done at the same time as well and I think there will be a letter from the solicitor with it all explaining I don't want any contact, please can he collect his things from the house and find alternative accommodation

Thank you so much Tobermory I don't feel particularly strong or amazing - I'm in my daughters bed, unsure whether to go downstairs or not. I think he's gone to work, I'll brave it in a minute but this is such a familiar scenario for me, hiding upstairs the morning after after a massive blow out the night before

Good idea, I have a friends weekend scheduled in 2 weeks so I'll be out and about then, plus another friend the week after that - I may well be in the refuge by then though

Great, thanks Random, think I will say that actually

Doing a happy, nothing is wrong, gritted teeth act has wound me up here, think I need to just be very Vanilla now - just bland, polite, rather communicate by text because of all the misunderstandings?

What a dick! He hasn't even got the sense to attempt to keep up the Mr nice guy bullshit has he? :)

An emotional abuser - Please! What's he been reading, maybe he's paid a visit Dadsnet - idiot!

Don't worry about saying the same the thing on here, it would be hard not to living with him and knowing what's coming next - you can see it coming from a mile away and he's so predictable. Keep posting - the end is in sight and everyone here is behind you.

I don't think anything you do will be pleasant but I would seriously try and find some "friends" you can go and stay with for a few days - travel lodge/laterooms.com anywhere for a couple of nights with the girls as a final holiday "treat"?

Do you know, I don't think I would be 'allowed' to do that Random. He was one of these in the past that never had any problem with me going out, encouraged it in fact - he was talking about this last night actually - but now, since the snog and the texts between my good friend - he has changed. He doesn't want me seeing my friend again and I think he would be very suspicious and make my life hell if I now just upped and left to see a 'friend' for a couple of days.

Thank you Carbe

oud snoring and loud mouth breathing that starts literally 5 minutes after he has 'nodded off' - it has been a massive bone of contention between us over the last couple of years because I don't believe it is genuine.

This may be apnea. He should see his GP to do all tests.
MyDP was suffering from it more before being diagnosed with diabetes. Now he is taking his meds and changed diet he snores much less.

It is an onslaught, the scenario you described.
I just want to gently hint, that you can still talk to WA, and at least consider getting yourself to a safe place before serving the papers.

I want to say don't fucking ever come here again, i am issuing divorce proceedings against you - but I can't. Because I would be unsafe here if I did that.

That's a c&p from upthread, thename, and he knows you're contemplating divorce. I know you know all this too. Just thinking about your safety. When do you think the solicitor will be ready?

Wow, the honeymoon really did last a very short time.

How awful this must be for your girls. How are they?

They are ok thanks Anna - it wasn't directly in front of them thank God.

He isn't here thankfully and the DD's are in a good, happy, relaxed mood so things ok there.

Thank you trackr, thank you for the reminder, yes that is still how I feel.

Maybe anti - is apnoea something you can hopefully die of? sorry, v bad taste joke!