How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Hmm yes very unsettling. H phoned me at 8 this morning all sweetness and light asking if we were coming back tonight and that he missed his kids already...pah!

Yes I'm at my friends and last night was good - had a few lovely hugs and a talk about it all although my friend's wife told me a story of abuse of someone she knows that was horrific - the man has basically imprisoned this woman and has taken to walking around naked in front of her daughters and bathing naked with them and they aren't his.

I sat there thinking H sounds positively saintly in comparison but obviously isn't because any abuse in whatever form is unacceptable.

Have booked onto the psych/counselling service too - so with that, the freedom prog and getting myself back to work part time - just this last week of the hols to get through and then things are going to start happening. Feeling positive

But as always thank you everyone for your lovely, kind words. Having a long running thread like this has enhanced my life and given me focus - every woman trying to escape an abusive marriage should have one!

Atilla the Hun would sound saintly compared to the example your friend's wife gave you. That's clearly a very extreme case of abuse and you shouldn't for a single second cut your H some slack because he's not as bad as that!

If you ever feel yourself wavering .. read back through this thread.. Your H is bad, very bad - he reminds me so much of my ex, same modus operandi, so many similarities.

As for the phone call from Mr. Sweetness and Light this morning, he's insulting your intelligence. 'Missing his kids' after one night? This from the bloke who lived away from them, went away for three consecutive weekends .. ? It's actually frightening that he even dares to say that to you on the phone (and probably believes it himself) and expects you to swallow it. It just shows the breathtaking arrogance and controlling nature of the man. See here I am ... lovely, sweet, doting daddy missing his wife and kids. Scary!

Please don't compare and think 'he's not that bad' or minimise on his behalf (he does more than enough of that for himself). He's a real bad 'un. Trust me, I've been with one.

I know Fontella, I totally know - I felt very disturbed by what I heard last night but mine is a level 10 psycho in other ways so I haven't really been minimising - I just felt so awful for that woman and her 2 daughters

And yes the phone call this morning - the first thing I thought when he said he misses us was 'eh?'

Twat

Thank you though

As for the phone call from Mr. Sweetness and Light this morning, he's insulting your intelligence. 'Missing his kids' after one night? This from the bloke who lived away from them, went away for three consecutive weekends .. ? It's actually frightening that he even dares to say that to you on the phone (and probably believes it himself) and expects you to swallow it. It just shows the breathtaking arrogance and controlling nature of the man. See here I am ... lovely, sweet, doting daddy missing his wife and kids. Scary!

^ This.

Ludicrous.

Sublime to the ridiculous. He is on a serious mission isn't he?

I have just read all your thread and I just wanted to tell you to stay strong and LTB I did and its the best thing I could have done for myself. Unfortunately my ex has managed to convince my older son that everything is my fault and to be honest I am still scared by interactions with him so limit communication about the kids to text only. When I remember how my life was I am so annoyed that I let it go on as long as I did. I lost so many years being unhappy, I thought it was all me. I now have a lovely kind funny man who is great with my kids and stands in between me and my ex.
I had no support from my family either, my dad and brother were on his side, my mum just no use and mental like yours sounds.
Unfortunately my ex screwed me financially too and I walked away with very little. But I never even in my darkest days regretted leaving. Good luck.

What an absolute arse! He missed them after one night, yet only 2 weeks ago he could happily go 3 full weeks without seeing them or even calling after a minor op. He's so totally in "get her under control mode" he can't even remember his own behaviour. Prat.

I am so glad you can see his act for what it is. Lots of eye rolling and internal laughing will keep you going.

Name, you are doing so well

I know you don't believe it but you will look back and see that you are (how do I know this..). this is such a difficult phase and it can seem that nothing much is happening, you're all of a kerfuffle, all over the place: he's being everything you longed for, a part of you probably longs to sink back into it and avoid all the angst and upheaval...?

But it's too late now, the worm has turned! You can't unlearn what you know, it's too late. I went back to my abusive H when he pulled out all the stops. But I left him again, this time for good, a year later. I knew after the first month that I was going to leave, and used the time to get strong - I was jolly poorly at that stage and couldn't manage alone with small kids.

You'll get there, you're on your way! You'll be proud of yourself when you look back and see how you weathered this gloopy, confusing time. Keep going, you're on the right track.

Thank you so much Daffs and Pogo, great words, great inspiration and sorry you had to deal with this crap too, great you're out the other side now though

Thank you Petunia and Fantastic

Well I think things are starting to turn for the worst - or at least he's hinting at how things can be shit again but may just pull things back for now before it gets really really shit

Came home last night, he wanted to go for a meal, that was all ok, but it was the going to bed that was the problem. I find him unbearable to sleep next to at the best of times because of the loud snoring and loud mouth breathing that starts literally 5 minutes after he has 'nodded off' - it has been a massive bone of contention between us over the last couple of years because I don't believe it is genuine. When I would get up to leave for the spare room I used to get a bit of abuse, he would suddenly wake up from his apparent deep sleep and take offence at me leaving.

I understand people snore, I know I probably do as well, but NOT five minutes after I have shut my eyes when everyone is trying to fall asleep. Fucking arsehole.

Anyway, he pulled that shit on me again last night, at one point i just sat there looking at him in amazement - it sounded like a child doing impressions of a pig! So I left the room, the snoring stopped and I'm pretty sure I heard some mumbling.

He woke me up in the spare room this morning looking none too happy and told me I needed to check if he had been paid because he wasn't sure - I sent him 2 reminder texts early this week which he acknowledged but now isn't sure.

It's ok we have - but I was laying there in bed again wide awake but not getting up so as to avoid him downstairs, thinking here I bloody am again.

Yes here you are again. But only for a short time while you get your stuff all sorted. Things are different now, you know he's an arse and you are getting out. Don't be despondent sweet heart this is a small blip. Once your solicitor gives you the go ahead for service of papers you need to be ready to go take this time to get everything sorted. ?? KOKO

Well, given what he's actually like, he couldn't be expected to keep up Mr Sweetness-and-Light for that long. I know it looks like "here we are again" but you are in a very different place now. It is only he who is reverting.

You, however, can see who he is and what he's doing. So you are a whole different person, in a whole different place. KOKO

I am curious about this job that pays well enough for him to pay for a house, wife and children, and a pied-a-terre and massive socialising, but which doesn't pay his salary straight into a bank account every month. DH has just said "drug dealer"

Hi name
Just a quick message to say keep your chin up, you have come so far, he is on definitely on the back heel because he is scared, its just a matter of time now honey, rooting for you this end, you are incredible, immense and strong, even on the crappiest of days, well done you :) x

Aw thank you Rudie for your kind words

Haha Jux! Wish he was a bloody drug dealer I could do with a bit of numbing! Unfortunately though it is a totally legit job and they pay us into our bank account but only when he does his time sheets in a timely fashion because he is currently freelance - they have offered him a permanent contract that if he just bloody signed it he would be in the paye system and I wouldn't need to worry. He's a fully fledged member of staff there now though, they don't want him to go.

But he doesn't have time to sit down and read the details of his contract. I have read it - but there elements of the bonus scheme that he has queries over that he hasn't got round to asking about yet.

It's completely pissing me off because I will feel a whole lot better serving him papers when it's signed and so would make walking away from his job a whole lot harder because these contracts have tie-ins - and if he 'went sick' for a while they would still pay him for a bit until he sorted himself out. I keep bringing up the subject but there's all the excuses and reasons for the delay.

Another abuse tactic? Bloody probably.

Well while he's trying to be mr nice guy and sorting out your lives, your job etc. maybe he could do that as a way to make your "family" life so much better , a regular salary would help you to budget an plan for the extra help he's happy to get for you. Maybe an idea? KOKO name, hopefully this weekend won't be too bad.

Wow you've come so far, all strength to you, I hope you're proud if yourself?! ?? won't be long, just remind yourself of that when it gets hard, won't be long then you'll be free x

That snoring thing.. bloody hell he is pathetic.

Thank you everyone

Do you know, the worm really has turned. Something weird has happened - thanks to this thread, thank you to all you lovely ladies - I noticed him playing a couple of 'subtle' little tricks on me. I watched him play them and I love it, I love that I saw it for all it's pathetic ness.

One was at the meal the other night - H's friend's brother has moved to the city to train to do the same job as H. Let's say his name is James. So half way through the meal H mumbles something about James being back from his holidays. I didn't respond first time because I was distracted by dd1 but I heard him, so he mumbled it again - so I said 'oh, James your friends brother?' To which he jumped on it like a pouncing cat 'what? Why would I be talking about him? What made you think that? Dur!! no James From work, he's just got back from proposing to his girlfriend blah blah blah'

I've never heard of this James before so how could I possibly know who he was taking about hahaha What a total knob!

he didn't come home last night and is at work now - we ended up having a horrible row on the phone last night though - he totally gave me the impression that it's Friday, there might be people at work that want a drink - he totally, totally said that - to which I was thrilled, the later he stays out the bloody better - so I was gutted when he phoned at 9.30 to say he'd be home in about 40mins - he had been working, not socialising and was just finishing up - I enquired wasn't he going out then ( I.e please don't come back) and it completely kicked off - all the resentment of working long hours, he never ever suggested he might go out (he so did, it was subtle but I swear on my life that he did!) and that his wife snogged someone because she thought he was out all the time when he isn't, he's just a hard worker blah blah blah.

I told him to stay out and not come back as he was being aggressive, and so he did ha!

I tell you - it's one thing knowing you are in an unhappy, abusive relationship and wanting to get out, but seeing them pathetically play their games to try and undermine you is something completely different.

It gives you strength - it has minimised him in my mind and suddenly I feel superior.

Love you all, thank you for all your support

You're not going to believe this though - my parents are coming to stay tomorrow for a week because they are homeless at the moment having had to move out of their old place but not yet able to move in to their new place - h is gutted because he looks a right twat - the last time he spoke to my dad he was blubbering his manipulative shite to him.

So I'm going to have 3 nutters living with me for a while - think I will start meditating to keep zen!

Sending you lots of zen!

Good luck with the 3 nutters. I hope you have lots of time with friends while they are all in your home. Buy a case of wine

Haha thank you Annette and Bland

I am waiting for him to call now to suggest going out somewhere later as he hasn't seen the kids blah blah - and so I would usually comply and then this would be where he would most probably rehash last nights row,playing the hard done by victim and I will be sitting in a cafe or somewhere with him going on and on and on, no doubt in earshot of others until I would be reduced to tears and then hissed at for 'playing the victim'

This is what would normally happen anyway. Maybe not this time though - could be worse than that or could be better - I don't want to go out with him but if I don't it will be just as bad at home.

I am zenning!

Zen away :)
Oh no! 3 nutters. Please do try to stay strong and force yourself to mentally detach when the 3 of them are together as he may use this opportunity to try and grind you down if your parents show any inkling of agreeing with him.

I'm so glad that you can see his behaviour and little tactics for what they are, just keep on with what you're doing. You are doing great

I would be strongly temped to pack up the DC and myself and go away for a week and leave him and your parents to it.

Tactic recognising and spotting the acting can be very entertaining.

Temped = tempted

Id tell your parents they can stay in a hotel and that as they haven't supported you over the problems with dh they aren't welcome. If they kick off lay the rules on the table they will, tidy up after themselves, they will check before eating your food, they will not mention Dh or pressure you about anything. Otherwise B&b all the way. But then I'm a cow ( so I've been told)!