How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

I agree with the consensus on here.

Oh and the fact he moaned when you did work and moans when you don't......that's called gaslighting OP.

So you move closer to his work but he is still renting a room? What is the point of that? I would be very suspicious about who he was sharing that room with myself. If he was the family man he says he is he would be rushing home. 40 minutes is not a long commute by today's standards.

I used to work for a guy who was all laughing and smiles until his wife phoned. He'd say, "Hmm, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, you decide, yeah gotta go, bye!". He wasn't as busy as he made out he was on the phone. He spent a lot of time at work and womanising socialising.

Sounds like he wants out to me. I would be smoothing the path for him personally. Life is too short.

Since I called him up on his spending it seems to have calmed down oddly but yeah you might all be right that it isn't accountable. He is really shit with money, expenses forms etc, he always was but even still we must be owed at least £1.5k since May - seriously! Probably more.
I never had him as the affair kind of guy because I don't think he actually likes people - he's a classic user. May be having the odd ons.
He is using marriage guidance to keep me here. He phoned a counsellor the last time I moved to end it and she phoned me to explain what to expect, costs etc. she mentioned a couple of things he had said, that he's working hard for the family, not for a Rolex and something about how our upbringings are different, which they most definitely are, but that it sounded like he was painting his family in a much better way than they really (controlling, abusive dad, subservient mum) and I just thought yep there it is, he will use this to manipulate and control, just like Lundy says in his book.
At the time I had just moved, I was surrounded by boxes, trying to settle the kids and said I wasn't up for it just now. He has since said that I don't want to do counselling because I will be 'found out'
I'm so tired in the head. Thanks everyone for all your comments

He is controlling and abusive
Of course it's not OPs fault in any way that this man in a controlling abuser.
Deary me - stop victim blaming here.

I agree OP that he's leading a kind of double life.
I'm glad you are going to see a solicitor.
If I were you I'd get myself and my DC back to my family and friends and leave him to it!
Can you do that?
Like now?
And leave him to look after mummy dearest!

And joint counselling is most certainly not recommended in relationships with any abuse.
Very pleased that you have the Lundy book.
Re-read and make your exit plan.

40 minutes is nothing for a commute. Really. He does not need to live away from home.

Giving presentations is not that hard, especially if you do it all the time. They are a big deal if you only do them rarely. There is no reason for him to be bad tempered because of them.

I agree with the others that he hasn't claimed expenses because what he is doing is not part of his job. I suspect he is living a different life in the week but wants to keep you around for the weekends so you can do all the work in running his life. If you left, he'd have to step up and take responsibility for himself.

40 mins is no distance. Virtually everyone who works in London has at least a similar commute

"It has been lonely but I feel lonelier when he's here" - you need to hang on to that knowledge, that says so much. Hope you get out.

Thanks hells and everyone, yes the counsellor even said it's unusual for men to want to go to counselling, usually they are the one being dragged there - she must have thought he was lovely, because he is, to everyone else but me.
I want to sell this house and move back I think but he is just such a skilled arguer/communicator (hence all the tiresome presentations!) and head fucker and is violent too - gets into fights a lot with strangers, never has hit me but loads and loads of verbal abuse, maniac driving and once spat in my face that I'm scared. I really hope the solicitor can help me.

This man can't be trusted, is verbally abusive and physically, he spat in your face and you are still with him???

His life actually sounds great, yours sounds like a nightmare.

If you want any chance of happiness you are not going to get it by sticking around being a doormat and allowing him to live the single life, then come home and abuse you, this is a million miles away from what a relationship should be.

Get yourself RL support, tell as many folk as possible, arm yourself with legal advice and get the ball rolling.

Thanks Jan, I will.

Good luck, you can do this, you only get one kick at the ball, don't waste any more of time, it's precious.

Start on the path, see everything he says and des as 'white noise'. deal only with the solicitor. Let him see the DCs only from the door step and get him as mentally and physically out of your life as you can during the process, ie don't answer his calls (or the patsy that will call you on his behalf like before) don't answer his emails, don't communicate at all apart from solicitor until it's all over and then only do what you want to. Get angry, take control. Anger is such a useful tool when directed for your own good. At least you know he is a manipulative and deeply unpleasant gobshite so none of what he is about to release upon you will come as a surprise OP.
Get strong, be strong, see it through this time. Do as much of the prep work as you can without him knowing, that way it'll all be well on it's way before you get the shit storm from him.

I too suspect he actually has his life exactly as he wants it and the sad face at the weekends is to keep it that way - bastard!

Thank you. Thanks Gelf - you've hit the nail on the head by saying 'see it through this time' I've always faltered, answered his calls, sympathised with him when he's cried about the kids, believed the threats - it's intimidating when he phones over and over - but as everyone has said, if he really did love his kids as much as he says he would come back every night.

He is always fault finding yet falls far short of Husband of the Year. The counselling is another way to present himself in a good light and get you to question yourself in front of an audience.

"It takes two to tango". Yes him and his ego. Spat in your face? Is it just me or is that beyond unhappy. He behaves like a sulky adolescent resenting coming home at curfew time to a killjoy parent.

don't go to counselling except on your own.
just tell him to stay away in his rented room.
sort out your finances.
fine for divorce.
the only thing you need to discuss is how and when he can see the kids.

I take it all back.

He is violent? Spat at you? is a dangerous driver?

Forget it. Get him out and make sure he stays out.

to be honest he doesnt sound resentful of missing the kids, he sounds resentful that he has to come home at all. Does he bring all his washing home for you to do, by any chance?

As for relocating you all and then retaining the flat - that sounds like he has you believe the 'missing the kids' bit, and used it as an emotional blackmail to move you away and isolate you from a support network/place you liked.

Go to councilling, on your own, to get the strength to ditch this tosser

The spit in the face has been apologised for and then dismissed as not that bad because once his brother spat in his face and also we've kissed before so we have exchanged saliva and that's all it was, saliva.
I've got to get going with the act now as he's going to be here with his parents in a minute.
Thank you so much for all your advice everyone

my Oh used to drive 140 miles a day to be with me and the kids, rather than stay away.
I drive 45 mins each way and consider it a short commute.
he is being an arse.

when we had weekends like that there was an OW I am afraid
he had company paid hotel room 3 nights a week, take aways, booze, mates = Man child

He has a stressful job nearly 2 HOURS away, v.v. stressful, tons of presentations, he comes home....

big hug and good luck to you OP, LTB. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world...

Is it possible he has a cocaine habit?

No, definitely not into any drugs clam, only booze.

Someone I know is having a during-the-week affair with a man in exactly this set-up. I'm not saying he is, but have you considered it?

God I missed the bit about him spitting at you, and all that anger. It sounds like a total nightmare. It's actually pretty irrelevant if there's an OW or not - you need to get out. Wishing you luck, and strength. You deserve better.