How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

He sounds delightful.

You do not need his permission to leave the relationship or to divorce him. You do not have to tolerate this because he wants you to stay in your little box.

I commute 45 mins each way to work, manage a department and give presentations, and seriously think nothing of it.

It sounds like his weekday life is super, partying every night, no responsibilities, and that he resents having to come back to you and "real life".

See your solicitor so you know what your options are. It sounds like you would be far happier without him though.

What a man child. He's living a single life during the week and comes home to you at weekends.

He could change his job and not use lodgings if it's that bad.

You need to see a solicitor.

The spit in the face has been apologised for and then dismissed as not that bad because once his brother spat in his face and also we've kissed before so we have exchanged saliva and that's all it was, saliva.

Eh, that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, all it does is clarify the fact that he's an abuser and sees nothing wrong in it.

I know Jan, it's totally I logged it with the police, didn't take it further than logging a 6 page statement with them.
I need to get the hell out - just sitting here waiting for the in-laws to turn up with him - think they must have gone for a meal or something.
I've got to put on a happy act knowing that I'm seeing a solicitor next week!
I really don't care if he's having an affair , I just want to get away safely.
Thank you everyone for all your wise words

Aaaw, you take care and keep posting.

Thank you - just sitting here with they're out and staying out - he called me to let me know and sounded so happy and positive and apologetic that I've had the kids waiting to see their grandparents all day - obviously the call was being made in front of his mother - it sounds like the old him though, the act - the man I fell in love with who was pretty much too good to be true for 7 years until we married and then it all changed. Should have got out years ago.
Man Child is a really good description. And definitely he expects life handed to him on a plate.
In Lundy's book he is Mr Right.

Don't beat yourself up about the whys and why nots, people change, relationships change, needs and wants change, he just didn't keep up with you and has let you down badly, the damage has been done, too late to go back now, that's the past and you have a rosy future to look forward to now without the stress of trying to make something work that just will not anymore.

Thanks Jan - I feel like a turn coat charlatan this morning. They came back last night, in laws happy to see us in our new home, getting the tour from H, us all having a laugh, me getting the drinks, then H. It was the image of a happy family.
I woke up this morning with a sinking feeling. Like how can I do this? It's going to look so extreme, going straight for divorce, no contact, sell house. They will all be devastated

Doesn't matter how it looks. Doesn't matter if you created an image of a happy family for a few hours. This man abuses you and spits in your face.
That's something he'll do again.
Keep strong, and see your solicitor as planned.

It isn't your fault. It is the fault of the man who spat on you and then said there was nothing wrong with it.

Stay strong. You need to talk to the solicitor before you tell him what is happening. This is not a calm amicable situation where you can behave the way you wish you could, discussing it openly and agreeing to separate etc.

A man who spits in your face and then tells you that's somehow fine because you let him kiss you is not someone who should be relied on to act sanely and sensibly about this.

Lots of people manage to pretend for a while in front of friends and family, and yes they'll maybe be surprised that it wasn't true. But that's something they will have to cope with.

Even if they don't understand, you will know that you are in the right, and sometimes you just have to cling to that in the face of other people not understanding.

I know. I still get amnesia when he turns on the charm - he gave me a hug last night, said thank you that the place looked immaculate and called me a couple of pet names.
I know this is only because his parents are here but it's still really destabilising.

Thank you mum in Scotland, yes totally wise words, it's not ever going to be amicable or reasonable. I have to do it out of the blue, legally and stating no contact.

Well you could ask MIL conversationally in front of H, has FIL, during their marriage ever spat in her face? Because according to her DS "That's okay" since presumably they've kissed.

Noooo, that's horribly passive aggressive, Donkeys!

Glad to see you've got clarity of purpose now, OP. Good speed

Er tongue wedged in cheek Garlic apologies.

OP you have mentioned how brain addling his behaviour is, you can keep a diary to log stuff so you know you're not losing the plot.

Oops

YY to diary/log/incredibly detailed thread in Relationships.

Haha thanks Donkey and Garlic! I'm having such a surreal day, mil has talked of nothing else than her daughters abusive relationship (yep, H's sister) and what constitutes respect and love and how violence is a no no - we then came back from the park and watched a naff American true movie about an abused woman escaping a violent man - I mean seriously, if it wasn't as tragic as it is it would be funny

They both really love me, mil will be heartbroken and confused - all of her children's marriages have now failed, and the sad thing is that me and h should have split first not last.

That's just me and mil talking by the way - h is at work obviously - any abuse conversations in front of him would have been shut down fairly swiftly

That's very sad about your SIL and I can't imagine what it's like to sit there knowing that PILs will be astonished and dismayed - but not only do you have to consider your life you have your DCs to think of.

Just go and see a solicitor and get the divorce rolling. You're wasting your life.

So what if they will be devastated, doubt it, sad maybe for a bit. They are not living your life OP, they are looking in from the outside and have no idea.

Your OP can be nice, wow, give him a medal, you wouldn't still have been with him if he was abusive all the time, fact is, he is, and that is never acceptable.

Keep strong, keep going, it will be hard but you can do this. If you really want to you can keep contact with them.

Mil has said she wouldn't cope if me and h split up 'as well'

But yeah you're all totally right, I've got to do it, she doesn't know that side of her son, well not of all of it - I have alluded to some of it before but she wears very thick lens rosy glasses

Sun shines out of his backside as far as she and everyone else is concerned