How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

She'd cope, believe me. And the best behaviour display certainly wasn't for your benefit.

I know you like the woman and can continue to do, she has no idea what you are having to live with.

Stop wasting time thinking what others are going to say or think, from now on it's all about you and your new life without a man that bullies you.

At least put that space between you both, give your new life a go, you will be surprised how easy it is, the thought is always worse, what does your gut tell you, don't listen to your heart here, listen to your head.

Thank you Jan, I'm being silly - she's been talking about someone else's niece ending an abusive relationship recently as well - saying 'everyone's going mental and splitting up!!'

It's just awkward - I'm too much of a people pleaser

Yes to the diary comments as well - I've started writing things down when I can and this thread is good too.

OP does she normally talk about partners being abusive and splitting up non stop? Or do you think she has a gut feeling what is going on?

Just seems a bit odd to me IYSWIM....

Mil has said she wouldn't cope if me and h split up 'as well

Maybe she blurted that out because she's aware of something amiss.

She's always been a bit odd Hampton - she's got small town mentality, loves a drama - but now abuse has been happening within her own family to her daughter and then to a friends niece it's all she's been talking about. It's weird and too close for comfort

Sorry Hampton hadn't refreshed my screen before echoing what you'd just said.

Yeah donkey I think she's more scared about access to the kids (which I would never stand in the way of anyway) - she knows we've had 'problems' in the past but would always see him in the best light.

When it happens, and she will be phoning me - do I tell her about the spit in the face or just play it all down?

No worries, great minds think alike.

OP I would tell her the truth but you need to be prepared for the fact that she created this monster and she won't like what you have to say.

You don't really have to have a relationship with her following the split if it is uncomfortable, she can just see DC when ex has them.

To be honest what she thinks/will think of it all is probably the least of your concerns isn't it?

I know. I know you're right but I've known them for 17 years, spent Christmases and holidays together, supported mil through burying both her parents - it's been an up and down relationship we've had and thankfully the live miles and miles away - it just feels huge and makes me feel wobbly but at the end of the day it's my DC who are the most important.
I gotta start thinking like a bitch haven't I

If I told her the spit story she would be heartbroken. And I would worry about repercussions from H - tho she might not say to him. I don't know. My minds just jumping all over the place today!

Haven't read the thread, or even the whole OP yet but this leapt out

hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be.

No he DOESN'T. If he wanted to be at home with the kids he would not live elsewhere during the week.

This is an off-the-cuff suggestion, and totally inconsequential in the scheme of things, but I wonder whether MIL would like to borrow your Lundy book? She's obviously 99% likely to go "Not MY boy!" and that's not how I'm thinking ... just that it is, in fact, very informative and might help her understand what's going on the (other) lives around her.

I really understand your not wanting to distress her further but, plainly, you can't sacrifice your own life for somebody else's peace of mind.

No you don't have to start thinking like a bitch, you prioritise yourself and your DC, she's not going to die crying about you splitting with him, in fact, if anything she will take his side.

Don't tell her the gory details, just say you have made a decision to split, it wasn't working, it's your private business.

Is there any chance your H has mentioned splitting to her. Seems odd, the conversation. And the film - Sleeping with the Enemy by any chance? - could that have been chosen to remind you that things could be a lot worse than a spit in the face?

It's making my spidey senses tingle.

I don't think you'd have to give that level of detail to his mum and what's the betting he'd deny it anyway.

For now and I mean this kindly, don't get ahead of yourself, one thing at a time.

Yes donkey agree, am getting way ahead of myself here and panicking myself. The pressure of family responsibility and expectation has definitely played a big part in what has kept me here for so long
Balloon - no it wasn't sleeping with the enemy, just some unknown straight to TV movie but it was chosen randomly so I don't think she's that cunning!
Good advice Jan thanks - reading all your words is helping me straighten my thinking, thank you.
I'm off in a taxi for some RL support from my cousin who knows all about it - leaving him and the kids and inlaws to their own evening!

It's very important for you to remember that no matter how sympathetic or supportive she has ever been to you, when push comes to shove, she will choose HIM. He is her son. She will come down squarely on his side.

So be careful what you say to her - I don't mean lie obviously. Tell her the truth of what happened, she probably will need to hear it from you because he will definitely not tell her. But be prepared that he will have concocted his own story and she may not believe you. Or she may simply choose his version because it's more "comfortable."

And that even though you may be expecting it, it will seem like such a betrayal when they side with him, because for years they've been your family too. But there it is.

Thank you Alice totally agree - time to start wisening up I guess - she links arms with me now and is my best mate whenever we see each other - but she is also like some dated throwback who simply adores her son and won't hear a word against him - even when he sits with black eyes at Christmas dinner with the family because he couldn't help squaring up to some wrong'un the night before. This is a man with a 2:1 economics degree by the way and a very well paid career! Think he's a bit lost in the middle maybe

Focus on the future without him. Without the hassle and nightmare that he is. My ex was randomly violent. I stuck it for seven years. Always worried that the police would come and get him or worse, if one of his victims followed him home (not that they could usually walk!) I am a mellow character and found the disruption of his sudden mood and the red mist and the burst of violence terribly corrosive. Once I felt threatened I got out. I was going to be next as I objected to his affair. Life is easy without that constant nagging fear even if it's low grade, it's there. Life's too short OP.

Thank you. Thanks Gelf - am just feeling a bit floored by this weekend with the inlaws - I had to take mil out with the kids today while he took his dad and brother out, and there was more talk of breaking up, domestic abuse, affairs from his mum - she even said that my two girls would be heartbroken if me and h broke up. Getting on ok ish with h, he tried to hold my hand under the table at dinner and said thanks for taking his mum out....but the sarcasm is still there and the looking at me when speaking as if I'm mental.
Am actually sitting here typing on my phone with a glass of wine while they're all sitting around with tea watching Star Wars!

Is she trying to get you to talk about it/your relationship? Otherwise the focus seems a little odd.

The focus is odd hamster but then she is odd. Without wanting to offend anyone she is a staunch Christian who shoves it right down your throat, she is obsessed with children and family and doing the right thing by them at all times. She's also a Sunday school teacher and makes you feel a bit like you're one of the class, being given parable after parable to digest. It's because of H's sister that she's on one this weekend - H doesn't tell her anything about us and I've stopped. It's just really not a weekend I needed having here.
Can't sleep!
Having to share a room with h as guests here and I can't cope with him breathing anywhere near me. And it's so hot. I hate him.
Watching him looking at a couple of women at the pub earlier, i wasn't hurt like I used to be in the past but I definitely noticed it - I'm not sure what I felt about it this time - then we all bumped into a colleague of his with his wife, all laughs, smiles and good cheer - welcome to the neighbourhood lets get together soon shite
I'm currently feeling like I can't do this. Like this is all bigger than me. Listening to him and his family talk plans for our new house etc. h is definitely golden boy and it's like they're looking at us as a beacon of hope as the other siblings marriages have ended. I'm sure I'll feel a bit better and stronger when they've all gone and we return to our old life of him in the fun pad and me here myself but at the moment it's all so surreal.
What if I serve papers on unreasonable behaviour and he says no? Should I just ask for legal separation to soften the blow and hope for a better result? Then move to divorce when dust settles from that?

He cannot say no!! You are stating that the marriage has irretrievably broken down because of his behaviour, x, y and z and that as a result you now find it impossible to live with him as his wife.

He cannot tell you that you do not feel this way. It is about your feelings, your reactions to his behaviour. The only way to contest an UB petition is to prove that the marriage has not irretrievably broken down. The fact that one party, you, now says they find it intolerable t live with the other party is proof enough to the courts. He can return the petition saying he doesnt agree that he did x, y and z, but the judge will normally just ignore it unless it is substantial.

My XH said he disagreed that he had attacked me - I had all the police reports ready but the judge didn't even ask for them....

Legal separation means you pay for everything twice and can be very messy. Far better to just crack on with it. I promise you will feel much better when you have spoken to a solicitor. See if you can get hold of his pension details as these will be very relevant in determining any financial outcome.

It must feel very daunting. You're getting a fair amount of implicit and overt pressure from your MIL...

she even said that my two girls would be heartbroken if me and h broke up
...plus the rest. I think she knows exactly what's going on, and is piling it on.

Then there is your H, playing happy families and talking big plans, while retaining a sarcastic overtone and giving you derisive looks. Surreal it certainly is. And it's all pressure and manipulation, in some form or another.

It's not bigger than you, though: you're strong and intelligent, you know what you're doing, so take heart. You also have a solicitor's appointment, which is the best place to start.