How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

Sorry, here's the link again.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

Zero contact will be difficult with children, because the courts are zealous about ordering regular parental contact. There is a good chance your H will quickly lose interest in his DC - he's more than happy to ignore them, apparently - but he's likely to try & use contact as a means of getting to you.

The rational approach would, I think, be to agree with whatever your solicitor says a court will want (alternate weekends, one weekday and an annual holiday,) wait for him to bluster himself out over that, then observe your responsibilities to the letter. The two awkward factors are handover issues and your DC going for a weekend with Daddy, who then doesn't show up or ignores them all weekend. This is why so many parents with residence are in a constant legal battle with abusive exes: all breaches of the contact order must be reported to the court, all maltreatment must be logged & reported, and you must go back to the court for any variations on the order. This gives the abuser a way to carry on controlling you. Meanwhile, you're dealing with all this while watching your children feel sad & conflicted :(

If you can give him the very strong impression that you're not going to worry about this too much - and ensure handovers are done by a third party from the very beginning - you'll stand a better chance of his getting bored faster. Women's Aid really will be the best source of advice on this. They can recommend family lawyers with specific abuse-related experience.

... and I hope you're having a slightly better day without the in- laws, at least ;)

Hello OP,
I can't be much help really, but I just wanted to offer support to you, and to say that it sounds like you have every right to want out. Words are so, so damaging. I am in a similar situation and sometimes wish he would physically hurt me sometimes so I had a visible scar to show all.
I know my heart feels like ice now.

Thanks Daisee, sorry to hear that about you too :(

Wyrdy and Garlic thank you again. Yes so much better without them wyrdy! :) and thanks for the links. I know what you're saying about him. I have wanted to get away for years. Dreamt of being free, have posted on MN under lots of different names about him over the years, and I get to this point where I am now and then just freeze. His temper can be psychotic and I'm scared of what he could do.

He will use the kids to get at me. He does love them and he does have fun with them when he takes them out which he does do, so I know he wouldn't ignore them, but my god hand overs, just me and him and them on the doorstep? I wouldn't feel safe. He's unhinged and is not averse to the odd kick off in ear shot of the DC. DD1 talked about his temper to a teacher at school not that long ago :(

I feel like I want to sell up and move away even though have just relocated the kids here. But then if I moved away, handovers would be harder as he would be based here in London, plus he won't want the house sold as it's a London property and the kids inheritance. But I wouldn't feel great living in a house that I can't afford with him paying the mortgage either. It would feel wrong and like I wasn't 'free' Urgh my head!

Speak to a solicitor! One who understands abusive relationships and won't piss around with 'conciliation'. You need to make sure it's properly documented that you wouldn't feel safe with him on the doorstep.

Have you got a friend or relative who'd be willing to do your handovers? It's really better if there's a buffer from the beginning. You can & should limit all communication to written only, and only about childcare.

How are you feeling about your prospects of getting free? I very much hope the information's helping to clarify your purpose, and a good solicitor will prove a strong support. Women's Aid for you, name :)

Getting myself into a right two and eight here aren't I?

Solicitor appointment Monday 4th - just can't believe i could actually, safely get free, it's been so long!

but my god hand overs, just me and him and them on the doorstep? I wouldn't feel safe. He's unhinged and is not averse to the odd kick off in ear shot of the DC. DD1 talked about his temper to a teacher at school not that long ago

That is enough to insist on supervised contact. Doesnt have to be at a contact centre necessarily, it could be with someone you trust not to be manipulated or bullied by him. But otherwise, a contact centre is the only way I think. Not least because if he does kick off and school hear about it then they have a duty of care and must inform SS. They can help, and very soon after you have left I suggest you contact them (they can back you up in court re: supervised access etc), but it would be better if you did it on your terms rather than because school are concerned as you would be investigated too.

just can't believe i could actually, safely get free, it's been so long!

Way to go!

socialising is optional in jobs. i have never known anyone to be sacked for not socialising enough so he could easily give up the room if that is his reason

It was compulsory in my jobs! That's why I picked them

There was a lot of misbehaviour by men with wives.

Good luck OP. You need to find the inner tigress, strength from within, admiration of a role model, anything to help you get through. Get through you will and you will have a brilliant life post him!! Focus on that, even the little things like how you will decorate your new home, how he will have no say and you get you back - finally. You can have a welcome yourself back party with just you and you as a guest of honour! Remember the strong, intelligent person you were before he worked a number on you? She's still in there. Keep the faith with her!

Thank you Gelf :) I've been looking at rightmove today actually and dreaming a bit!

He's here tonight tho. Has come home all nice as pie and (gulp) affectionate. I doubt it would be the same by the weekend. It's all very covert having this big secret - not saying or doing anything obviously til I've seen the solicitor.

I'm having to sleep with dd while he's taken over my our bedroom by doing a huge stinky shit in the tiny ensuite and then laying there snoring. Not that I was comfortable sleeping with him anyway, but I just feel totally violated that he's here. He wants back soon because he knows I've had enough - I told him that for the hundredth time last week and then the bloody inlaws turned up. On goes the fake show which means me and him have to communicate too and then wham, he's coming round being mr friendly, Though I don't think I'll see him until fri or sat now. He was calling me pet names and appearing keen to be here tonight but still didn't respond a couple of times when I spoke to him which drives me absolutely mad (inside my head obviously - no point flagging it up to him again) it's deliberate and I think it's coercive(?) from what I've been reading on Maypole today.
I almost want him to start being an arsehole to keep it right in my head what I'm doing.

I almost want him to start being an arsehole to keep it right in my head what I'm doing.

But he IS being an arsehole isnt he? Everything he does is to undermine you and keep you on your toes. Being at home when he should be away, trying on sexually (assume thats what you meant by being "affectionate"). Ignoring you deliberately when he knew it would piss you off.

He is being an arsehole, but you are so conditioned you dont see it because he isnt being as bad as he normally is.

but still didn't respond a couple of times when I spoke to him ... it's deliberate

I almost want him to start being an arsehole ...

He's already being an arsehole! He's withholding, blocking and discounting.

Great xpost, Bogey :)

Right back at ya Garlic :)

Garlics link is spot on and quite chilling.

OP Im glad you are getting the ball rolling and seeing a solicitor. Yr h IS abusive and that policeman had no right to try and minimize or normalise the abuse.

If I heard someone say something like that I would wonder what is going on in their home life tbh. He needs to be sent for training immediately IMO.

thank you for all your words bogey, darkest and garlic. I feel lobotomised again this morning. I can't believe I am in this situation. you all telling me that he is still being abusive even when he appears to be being pleasant(ish) i.e not directly shouting or accusing - it's like I know it deep down but struggle to realise it. I felt totally uncomfortable and undermined with him here last night - but the realisation it's all abuse is still a bit of a shock iykwim?

Bogey it was a kiss when he came in which I was uncomfortable with to which he asked 'aw was that a flinch?' He also cosied up to me on the sofa which isn't usual behaviour these days. We usually sit apart if he's here with him flinching and twitching to himself to show me how much stress he's under. I know he doesn't do this in front of anyone else.

Garlic, thank you again for a great link! - I am only half way through and haven't read any of the personal stories yet but it is describing my relationship word for word.

He's panicking, he knows something's up and you're slightly different in your approach to him, after all, if you won't have, who bloody will???

Keep strong OP, things can only get better now.

Thanks Jan. think you're right, he wants us all to go on holiday and wants me to look at booking one. A secluded villa...I can't think of anything worse. We haven't had that many holidays together over the years as he is always uncomfortable leaving work for too long and that when we are away it takes him a long time to behave in a civilised, humane way relax.

And besides, I want any spare money for solicitors!

I'd be very concerned about a secluded villa. It's the ideal setting to regain control

Do you think this idea will evaporate if you "go back under"? I'm sorry to be suggesting you enter into 'sleeping with the enemy' territory but your acting skills could be jolly useful now.

I get it Garlic, you're right, just keep up the old act for as long as possible - and luckily if I don't book the holiday then it won't get booked, he isn't capable. But I can feel this is going to be it - this is what is going to bring it all to a head. Because there is no way I am going on a holiday with him (and I really need a holiday!!).

The last holiday we went on was 2 years ago, it was me that wanted it and I desperately wanted a holiday for the kids as they'd never had one - he punished me with moods and silence all the way there, he worked on his laptop, told me I should feel ashamed of myself for taking him away from his work and wasting much needed money.

Now he wants, sorry 'needs' a holiday. I know it's because he can feel things are changing but the thought of going and feeling trapped like that - I don't feel strong enough.

I really really appreciate all yours and everyone's support by the way - I have RL support too but not physically around me at the moment due to the relocation.