How far can he take the stressed from work excuse?

[thenamehaschanged]

H rents a room close to his work and comes back to the family home at the weekend (the family home is only 40 minutes max to his work by the way!)
He manages a department, has a lot of responsibility and pressure, has to give presentations daily which he says he hates and works often to about 7.30/8pm after an early start so I am in no way doubting he's busy and stressed at times. There is also a hell of a lot of socialising and boozing pretty much all week with trips to karaoke bars, top restaurants where he is simply the life and soul.
What I get coming through the door at the weekend though is a moody, sullen, withdrawn shell of a man who when asked if ok either doesn't respond or looks at you with mild scorn. He is so resentful, jealous even, that he has to work - and hates me for being more at home with the kids which is where he wants to be. you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Needless to say I can't wait for him to just fuck off back out the door again Monday morning!
He is controlling and abusive and I am going to see a solicitor next week - I have tried to end the marriage many times but his grip just gets tighter. The last occasion was this week, I snapped (again) told him it was over and that I am seeing a solicitor - I won't go on too long about it all but his continual defence of how horrible he is is that (after he's told me that I'm just as abusive which I really really am not) he's stressed, under pressure and doesn't want to be doing this job even though it pays well and comes with lots of perks. It's a job he trained specifically to do, he did leave it for 8 years as there were elements he didn't like, to build his own business which failed (he was an arse then as well) there's no other job he will entertain doing and so he's back doing his old job.
And I am embarrassed to say that here I am totally lobotomised and spaghetti headed, still in the marriage, agreeing to counselling :( which I really don't want to do) and thinking does he have a point. I wouldn't like to have to give loads of presentations for instance.

40 minutes away?!! He's kidding you

Oh. We've moved on. Sorry

That's great thank you so much Hampton - (and sorry you had to go through this as well)

This solicitor appointment can't come soon enough. Do you know if I can legally request him not to contact me as well? Because he berates and brow beats me so once he receives the papers (and I think I'll have to get them personally hand delivered to him at work) he will be turn up here, he will ring my phone constantly, he will use seeing the kids as a way back in.

I'm taking the kids to my parents new place for the week of the 11th - he's never been there so couldn't find us and keeping my phone switched off?

Thank you wyrdy

He's a narcissist I think - I know that's an overly used word here on MN but he's not the full quid - will bend over backwards to be seen as the all round great guy. He will not react well to being divorced

You can hopefully block him from your existing phone and get a new cheap PAYG phone just for him. That way you only have to use it when he has the DC and you need to make arrangements. Or you can state that you will only communicate with him by email, and only re the DC, anything about the divorce has to go through your solicitor.

Once you are free of him you will be able to terminate any phone call where he becomes abusive. Eventually he will learn that if he is abusive the call ends abruptly.

If he gets physically threatening then yes, you get a non molestation order with power of arrest attached. Your solicitor will be able to explain all this to you better than I can. Best of luck.

He's taken them all out for the day thank god.

He's just thanked me again for taking his mum out yesterday, said he's looking forward to a quiet weekend next week, went in for a kiss, told me not to flinch and to open my mouth and then joked he was going to properly make it up to me later

I have been here countless times before - he'll revert to type when they've gone, but my eyes have truly been opened by all your kind words about what a doormat I have become!

Thanks again Hampton, I really appreciate the advice - it's helping me get the questions I need to ask the solicitor ready because I really don't know anything about the divorce process. it's an hour and a half appointment I've got as well so should hopefully be thorough

Can I start divorce proceedings if he's being friendly towards me? Not mention it just get him served with papers and then go into hiding for a little bit?

I know I must sound an utter twunt but I've always thought he would be more cooperative if he received divorce papers after a huge, final blow out. He's being nice to me now. I know it will eventually change but I feel so unsure of my rights it's a joke!

Of course you can. I doubt he's going to be reasonable about it under any circumstances so just press on.

You've been fairly circumspect about the abuse, but this is nagging at me
I'm taking the kids to my parents new place for the week of the 11th - he's never been there so couldn't find us

...you also talked about black eyes, in other words, he's not averse to violent altercations with strangers.

I'm concerned that you're at risk, more than perhaps you'll admit to on here.

If this is the case, don't hesitate to talk to women's aid as well as your solicitor. You might need to make your exit plan before serving papers or discussing divorce. Yours and the children's safety must come first.

www.womensaid.org.uk

I've spoken to women's aid in the past, I've been to see a refuge and I've sat in a police statement room - but I've been so frightened to action anything. As they all said it's down to me, they are there to help but it's down to me to start the ball rolling. But I'm just too scared. Too controlled and too bloody scared. All bills and finances, all childcare, everything is hanging on me, so if I disappear it will all fall apart and be my fault. When his business failed we ended up in huge debt and I dealt with all of it, opened all the scary letters, made all the scary phonecalls - even when in latent labour with dd2, we were being threatened with a ccj and I had to deal with it whilst in labour, give birth (a traumatic birth as well) and then get home and continue the phone calls and pleading while he took no paternity leave, no interest in the finances and left me to it. I guess I feel too responsible to leave ?
He's always in fights wyrdy - and the usual theme is going to the aid of a damsel in distress - what a total cock eh?

I think your comment "he's not the full quid" says a lot. It was a full shilling in my day ... old gimmer wises up to inflation ) The reason why there are now so many Web articles about identifying personality disorders is exactly this feeling of yours. People around the disordered person know there's something wrong - is "not as others" but it's hard to put your finger on, thanks in part to all the bluster and chiefly to the disordered person's dedication to appearing 'normal'.

It's helpful, I find, to accept that the person has PD. Almost all the emotional agony is caused by dissonance between what this person believes about themselves, and what we observe over time. Obviously we fall in love with the construct, not the real being. That leads towards self-deception, because it's painful to admit we were hoodwinked into backing a loser. On top of that, all our social conditioning presses us to treat other people considerately. This presupposes that other people are fully functional, emotionally rounded human beings. A proportion of them are not.

Some posters will jump on me (and perhaps you) for making an amateur diagnosis. The important point is that this diagnosis helps you to understand what's happening, and offers the detachment necessary to proceed with saving yourself & your children.

In case this helps you: As grounds for a divorce, the unreasonable behaviours cited must have happened within the past six months. They don't need to be massively dreadful, simply behaviours that make it impossible for you to live as this man's wife. People have successfully divorced over disagreements about what to have for dinner, and snoring.

I served papers on XH2 knowing he'd refuse to sign, so I made my complaints pretty embarrassing by his standards. As I expected, he flipped his lid over my petition and said he'd suffered more than me. I suggested he do the petition, then - and sent him a fresh set of forms to fill in.

You'll know how your H is likely to react. If the answer is "violently" and/or that he will try to contest the divorce legally, make preparations to protect yourself.

I think he has your MIL on a propaganda campaign, to show you why your life isn't bad enough to contemplate divorce. Your abuse isn't as 'bad' as the abuse of her dd and niece so you have to put up and shut up.

He checked out of this marriage and this family years ago, if he ever checked in. He sounds to me like he has a major booze problem and the reason he's such a tosser at the weekends is because you 'prevent' him from drinking, i.e. he feels he has to remain sober[er] because he's at home.

I would be talking to Women's Aid about how you get to a place of safety, where he can't contact you and where contact with the children can be arranged through a third party. You need time to de-programme yourself, and to stop feeling as if running his life is your problem. It isn't.

Don't hold out any hope of Mil helping when or if you tell her. She will side with her, and her and fil relationship may have turned him out like he is! I tried and failed xx

Your story sounds utterly nightmarish, thename :(

For the future, looking after your family is going to be a walk in the park, compared with what you've already had to deal with.

Your STBX will have to deal with his own life, though, and you can't be responsible for that.

For the moment, I wonder how you feel about talking to WA again, and also talking to someone in RL (parents, perhaps?)
I feel uneasy for you. I think it would help to have backup as you deal with the next step.

I know. Think maybe I will speak to WA again wyrdy The in laws have gone now thankfully and so has he.
I just don't know if I'm strong enough to handle the bombardment by myself. His approach to life is to not give up trying to get the result you want when first given the word No - be that with shop assistants, banks, his parents and then obviously me when I take steps to get away - it is utterly exhausting. I need zero contact but I don't know how to achieve that.
Thank you all so much for your input - the 6 month thing is a worry - the spit to the face was longer ago than that - in the last 6 months he has totally withheld affection, ignored me, been guarded, called me names when shouting at me, often given me the impression that I'm not good enough, I'm not as 'clever, organised, efficient' as him, freaked the kids out, intimidated me in public when I said I didn't want to be married to him anymore, lived apart from us and hasn't given me any emotional support whatsoever during a stressful time of relocating, actually he left me to move us out of our old house and move us into a new home, with the kids to look after too at the same time - he just turned up on the Saturday to help the van guy - it was exhausting.
These are all things I can't prove as it were but I wish I could list everything!
He's just phoned being really nice and hopeful for the future, bit reticent about going into work after dropping his parents at the station, wants a holiday maybe at the end of August, mentioned doing his receipts, again this it what he's like - nice on the phone when he needs a listening ear, It always used to fill me with hope, I was actually being used as a shoulder to cry on for him, a sounding board as it were but then when the key goes in the door on a Friday and he's here in person, there's no supportive shoulder for me - the fault finding starts, the moods start, the insurmountable problems begin and it's crushing.

thanks Tribpot that's exactly it isn't it - I need to get away from all contact from him because he is treating me like I have no rights - I don't have the right to an amicable split from an unhappy marriage.
Great words too Garlic, he is definitely disordered.

Sorry one last thing - when I broke down after all his withholding of support/care/compassion when we moved and I called him on it, he said it would have been 'fake' if he had put his arm round me.
I'm on anti anxiety medication, that's something I need to tell the solicitor as well I think.
(I'm using this thread to write it all down by the way, so I can come back to it)

in the last 6 months he has totally withheld affection, ignored me, been guarded, called me names when shouting at me, often given me the impression that I'm not good enough

Darling, this is more than enough cause for divorce.

You don't need to prove these things. He may refute your claims, but the point is no court in this country has a mandate to force grown adults to stay in relationships that make them unhappy. It's very easy to feel this way when you're in a relationship with a dominator. They make you justify yourself to the nth degree when they disapprove of something, then trash your explanations; it leaves you feeling dis-entitled, which is of course the idea.

In reality, he's already broken the contract of marriage by disregarding you, treating you carelessly; assuming superiority. It's likely he feels he gets to dictate the terms of this contract, but they are encompassed by the law so he doesn't.

You may find it helpful to actually see the D8 divorce petition and D8 supporting notes.

A further cause, which cannot be contested, is 5 years' separation. The parameters for this are quite stringent.

You can find court forms & leaflets here: hmctsformfinder.justice.gov.uk/HMCTS/FormFinder.do

Also, here's a link to a firm of solicitors discussing unreasonable behaviour. And here's an example of a UB petition submitted last year.

I hope the documents will help to assure you of your entitlement to do this with or without his 'permission'!

Oh my goodness thank you for all of that garlic, I'm going to have a good look at them after sorting the kids lunch!

:)

It's very easy to feel this way when you're in a relationship with a dominator. They make you justify yourself to the nth degree when they disapprove of something, then trash your explanations; it leaves you feeling dis-entitled, which is of course the idea

Gotta say garlic that has totally hit the nail on the head for me - that is exactly what going into and coming out of an argument with him is like. I can end up feeling dazed almost and my opinion totally discarded.

Your links have been really interesting so thanks again. In regards to no contact (zero contact) is that something the solicitor can help me with or only women's aid? I went to look at a refuge before but I felt like a fraud. The caseworker I met was talking to a polish lady who's nose had been smashed and who had a restraining order against her ex. I felt silly being there because of verbal. Even the policeman who took my statement said at least you're not sitting there with a broken nose and I agreed and felt like I should be handling this better myself. But it's impossible.

I could have written this
Get out- he is NEVER going to change

WA is probably better placed to talk about personal and emotional safety, so try them for ideas on successfully going NC.

You were not, in any way, fraudulent for visiting a refuge. WA would not have invited you if they thought you didn't need it.

The police officer you spoke to was quite wrong to minimise the abuse. Online and in RL, people often say emotional abuse is much harder to deal with, and more damaging than physical.....and it's all abuse.
Home office definition of domestic abuse.

To make you feel you should just sort it out and go home is appalling.

For what it's worth, your husband sounds dangerous and frightening to be around, and I've only read a few posts about him (moreover, you've described his behaviour in a perfectly non emotional, matter of fact way.)

His dangerous driving, and willingness to fight with strangers, ought to alert any officer worth his/her salt that this man is a serious risk to you, and the public.