Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks moggie ..
It's hard, I know, but for me I got to a point where once I'd decided to leave and started the ball rolling, there was no going back. I became focused on what I was doing and the logistics of what was required and it was almost like waking up from a sleepwalk. I supoise I was running on adrenalin but it got the job done.

CurtWild good luck on your trip. It may be a bit chaotic, but I'm sure they'll enjoy it immensely!!

STBXH has now decided that he wants me to bring the DCs to him at a private residence on the Saturday before Easter. I've promised counsellor that I will not meet him with DCs anywhere but in a public place, so I will have to tell him no to that (not to mention, again, he just drops his little "I'll see them on this day.." and expects me to drop all plans ). Doesn't matter anyway, in a few days, he'll change his mind again. And again...

alice Just waiting for the taxi to the station now and excitement level is through the roof. Change if clothes, nappies, packed lunches and easter eggs all packed and ready to go. Really looking forward to this and it'll serve as a trial run for the hols I'm trying to plan for june .
Your stbxh really is a fw of the highest order. Mine's still sulking. I will not let him spoil today. Any calls or texts are being ignored today and dealt with in my time not his.

Alice I can't believe they even speak the same, 'I will see them ...' , 'so, I will be over to collect at ... ' who does that.. a FW with absolute entitlement to impose their arrangements on others. The days of dropping plans way behind me thankfully.

oh well done Moggie for your decision, and strength to see it through to the way out.

have a briliant day together Curt

Just popping in to say hello and send and to all. I am thinking of those of you who are dreading the Easter long weekend (I remember the Thank F* It's Monday mentality). I've been thinking about EA a lot following the Oscar Pistorius case (not that we know what the relationship was like but the messages from Reeva raised a few red flags).

I am about a year out now and I am getting there. I don't miss FW anymore and am glad he buggered off with OW. I don't think about him as such but I do think about what happened IYSWIM. I'm still processing it and the scars are still there I suppose (I react very badly to arguments - had a stupid domestic with lovely DP yesterday and felt like I did when FW and I used to argue. It was sorted very quickly but I was surprised how drained I felt - can't believe my life was like that on a daily basis).

Fi Make no mistake, the days of dropping plans are way behind me as well. He just hasn't figured that out yet.

We've had a good day so far, picking up some things for the garden, some groceries, and a few miscellaneous DIY things. We've got some things to plant over the next few days as well. And tomorrow is our farm trip with some friends.

STBXH has said he wants me to bring the DCs to him on Saturday to a private residence. The DCs and I will not be meeting him at anything other than a public place from now on. It will be local - I am not using my petrol to take them over to him, especially when I suspect he will now be dodging child maintenance payments, which means my money will be that much tighter. And he mentioned MIL would like to see them, which is a load of nonsense, as MIL knows I will bring them over separately to see her, as then we don't have to deal with STBXH and his moods, which makes for a much more enjoyable visit. That was him playing the "emotional blackmail" and "sympathy" card.

He always changes his plans 50 times a week anyway, so no point even discussing it, really.

colin it's amazing how quickly that horrible sinking feeling sets in. That's one of the main reasons I refuse to take the DCs to see STBXH in a private residence. Less chance of big blow-ups on his part in public place. And at least if he does, there are witnesses.

You are very sensible Alice.

I'm just determined not to repeat past mistakes over and over. Done it too many times.

thats cool Alice - your comments just reminded me of my overly long sufference of his swaps and changes. I am just charting my own progress out loud really, and its good to ring the challenges. Wise decision on the public contact too.

Good to hear your news Colin with a new DP; what a refreshingly different way of resolving things huh? I'm sure the hang-over from the FW will not stick around long with such positive reinforcement around I can remember others saying the same stuff.

Morning! Very, very good day yesterday. DC were brilliant on the train and loved the fuss made of them by extended family (who wouldn't!). I came home laden with easter eggs and three very tired babies. Lovely day and not a word from stbxh .
He's text me this morning to say he'll visit good friday which is fine. And also that he's having to find a new flat (didn't say why and although I'm nosey curious, I didn't ask).
Now, when we separated and I moved out, he went to stay with a mate because the flat he'd seen hadn't come empty yet. He also stayed with me half the week (yes, I know, I was still a bit of a sap back then) so his mate could have the place to himself with his gf. I must not be that sap again. For the few days he was here back then, I was trying to sort out my new home and he was veering between nice as pie and aiming for a reconcilliation, and a complete dick when he realised it wasn't happening. After three days I told him to leave my home, get to his mates and sort his own accomodation out.
When he said he was having to look for somewhere else, my almost instant reaction was to say 'stay here if you're stuck'. Took me straight back to the beginning of our relationship where I was always helping him out.
There was one time a couple of months into our relationship where he went a bit 'quiet' and it felt like he'd lost interest. Lasted a week or two and I just got on with my life and left him to it. Anyway, he called me one night late on and said he'd been busy and sorry for being pre-occupied blah blah blah and could he come over for a chat and some cuddles. Idiot that I am (was), I agreed and over he came, had me cooking for him at 2am, then he suggested staying the week 'to catch up on lost time'. I was so glad to see him I said yes. I then cooked for him all week. At the end if the week he got paid and took me out. Lovely.
I found out much later that the two weeks he'd been 'quiet', he'd been shagging a female friend who'd split up from her bf and turned up at his flat, offering it on a plate. After she inevitably went back to her bf, he got back in touch with me. Oh and the reason he wanted to stay at mine all week? He'd blown his wages on nights out with her and didn't have any money to buy food in with.
If I'd discovered this at the time, it would've been game over. He only owned up to this when he was 'coming clean about past misdemeanors so we could reconcile.'
He really did a number on me from day one, didn't he. Anyway, sorry for the ramble, main point is he's used me a lot (that's just one example) and I let him. I must not fall for the little boy lost act that he does so well. Those days are over.

CurtWild glad to hear you had a good time on your trip. Sounds like both you and the littlies had fun.

Good outing for us today, and now a relaxing evening. NC from STBXH. I have not bothered to respond to previous messages. What's the point? He'll just get angry and either ring and complain or will tell anyone who will listen that I'm a nasty wretch who won't let him see his kids. Either way he'll be the victim in his eyes.

CurtWild your posts here have really resonated with me being in a similar situation. It sucks!
Also hoping to build stronger barriers to ex. It's just so hard though.

alice glad you had a good day, yes ours was great fun and more planned for tomorrow!
Moxies ..the boundaries have been really difficult to place/maintain. Stbxh knows exactly what my weaknesses are and although it's easy to say 'oh well just be stronger then' etc, actually putting that into practice is hard. Feel free to PM me if you fancy a natter

Thank you I just might! Makes it harder when I contact him too, then I know I only have myself to blame :/

Boundaries are a nightmare. STBXH just seems to completely disregard any common courtesy or common sense, and I don't want to give in to unreasonable demands (and won't give in to them), but I just get so sick and tired of having to pull him up on it. It's that predictable spiral. I tell him no, he gets nasty and pouty and aggressive, and then I have to deal with the aftermath.

I used to give in simply to avoid the bad behaviour, but have been standing my ground lately. I will admit that I've been ignoring his recent messages because he is expecting me to just drop all plans, do things at MY expense (when he is saying he can't pay maintenance as he's not working - so I'm going to have less money and don't feel I should have to pay for his contact), and I just so tired of the ongoing behaviour that I just don't want to reply as I know he will then kick off. So I ignore for now.

Insanity. I tell STBXH that I will only meet him in a local public place for him to see DCs and he gets nasty "Forget it. I don't have the money to come over there. I don't need stupid mind games."

Um. Okay. Your choice, I suppose. Apparently he doesn't have a fiver for the bus or train then. Seriously, he just wants me to do all the running and all the expense. And he's obviously not paying maintenance either tomorrow then, if he doesn't even have a fiver. Charming.

alice once again he's showing his fuckwittery. Must be something in the air. I took DC out for a bit this aft, just to the park with some sausages rolls and juice, nothing exciting but nice nontheless. I got a text from stbxh saying 'where the fuck are you?' I respond 'at the park'. He then phones and starts ranting about being stood on my doorstep with easter eggs. Lots of shouting and swearing. I hang up, check our texts from yesterday and forward him the one where he says he'll be over on good friday followed by mine saying ok. He calls again saying he never sent that text etc..more verbal abuse. I hang up again.
Just got in and I've recieved a huge text saying the kids won't get their eggs because I'm a bitch and he's giving them to someone who deserves them. And that unless I apologise he'll never see DC again and it will be my fault.
I'm upset. I know I shouldn't be as our arrangement was definitely for tomorrow, but it's what he does, isn't it. Everything is my fault. On a downer now

I know. I offered to meet him with the kids at a local place so he could see them (same text, I only sent one response), but he's said forget it. So that's his lookout, I guess. I'm not going to even bother about the child maintenance. I will have to contact CSA I suppose. Not that it'll matter as he'll just avoid working then.

I'm sick of feeling like this. Sick of him shifting blame, changing the history of a conversation when I can see it with my own eyes. Basically making me feel like the biggest bitch on earth when I know I'm not, I know I'm doing all I can to make things 'amicable'.
And he's given my babies' easter eggs to his mates?! WTAF. Who does that?!

I am sick of it as well. I had a long chat with a solicitor today and have come to the conclusion that my main concern and focus needs to be what is best for the DCs. STBXH looks out for himself (as always), I don't need to do so. So my focus is now on myself and my DCs.

I have not responded to his nasty message. It's not worth the effort. No explanations. Nothing further at the moment. I have a specific plan of action and I'm sticking to it for now.

Here we go. Nasty text, demanding to know why I'm not doing what he wants me to do, basically. I expect there'll be a few more and then a nasty phone call (although to be fair, I can't be arsed to answer the phone).

I'm not responding. I've told him what contact is available. I'm going to stay detached and not engage. Frustrating, but there's no point in any heated discussion. He'll try to guilt me (already is, based on the text) and make accusations (again, already is), and I'm not going into a big explanation at the moment.

I actually feel like I'm still in an abusive marriage. The nasty texts have been coming in thick and fast and I can't stand ignoring him when he's being so shit, it feels like he's getting away with abusing me. I don't want to turn my phone off, with a knackered laptop, it's my only source of internet.
For the best part I'm not engaging but he is so self rightous and entitled it's unbelievable! He keeps repeating that if I don't apologise he won't see DC again. Apologise for what?! I haven't done anything ffs.
Completely worn down tonight after a really nice week.
alice I hear you, I focus on DC and myself..and then he steamrollers it all. I can't decide if you're better at not engaging than me or if you've just had more practice! Either way it's bloody hard.

CurtWild Trust me, I'm not any better at it than you. I've got a banging headache and my stomach is in knots. But I'm bolstered by the information from the solicitor today, and I promised my counsellor that I was going to look out for myself and my DCs first and foremost. I'm determined not to "explain" myself right now and I'm not going to engage in any discussion with him over the phone or an argument over text. When he's like this, there is no reasoning with him, so I'm choosing to ignore simply because it's lose-lose to even engage at the moment. No matter what I say it will be wrong.