Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Good for you alice. Stbxh seems to be of the mind that I sit about twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to visit. We have lives. And they no longer revolve around them.
Yes, more than patient, he said.
Firstly, he got my number under false pretenses (I asked the mutual friend last night why she gave him my number..he'd told her he'd had it but lost it. Lie.) Each time I've made it very clear I'm not interested in anything but the most basic friendship he's backed off for a couple of days then come on strong again.
We've literally been chatting about two weeks, if that. I've very plainly told him I'm not ready to date and that I won't be for a very long time (if ever).
He hasn't been more than patient, he's been pushy and not taken NO for an answer. True colours indeed. I knew something felt off about him, glad I got a second opinion that confirmed it..and slightly chugfed that my judgement isn't entirely screwed

Alice, I think you need to re-iterate the point about consistent and regular contact being in DC best interests, and discussed in mediation. I know you said before that he would not commit to travelling up once a week for an hour in a contact centre, but he should be able to commit to once a fortnight and holiday contact. I think you head off any tantrums by saying sorry, we do already have plans, but I am happy to discuss future arrangements in mediation. Repeat as necessary.

Curt sounds like you dodged a bullet there.

yes, woooohooooo for your twat radar! Obviously still there, alive and kicking. You KNEW something was off and you were so right. Must listen to that inner voice. Well done you!

I think STBXH thinks we just sit around the house as well. Even though I've been a bit under the weather we still went out for a while today and will go out every day of the holiday. Otherwise it's cabin fever around here.

But I have actual days out planned next week as I have a bit more money then to pay for it. And I'll be damned if I'm going to change any of it. And he's expecting to come see them here, and I haven't yet told him that isn't going to happen either. Public place only, at my convenience, or not at all. I don't trust him and (this was so hard to admit, even to the counsellor) I'm actually scared of him. He's scary enough when he's going off, but he's acting really vile lately and I'm not willing to be trapped in a private residence with him.

Absolutely thrilled to discovery I have a functioning twat radar!
Like you, I'm out and about most days with DC (otherwise we all get a bit stir crazy!), but stbxh seems to think that I have no life! Silly man. And I'll be damned if I'll let him dictate to me when I should be in to accomodate him if he can't organise his days better and actually make it for those pitiful 2 hours he spares our DC on a wednesday.
It must be awful to be frightened of him in your own home alice, . It's your castle and you shouldn't have to have him invading it with his vileness. If I ever felt threatened with stbxh coming into my home I'd insist on public meetings too.

We love the twat radar mines picked up something...
Back to the cold shoulder. He tried making conversation earlier as if nothing happened. I answered to his questions re ds only, short direct answers no chit chat. Hes been silent since.
That is his way of getting a snippet of control. By being the one to not reply iyswim. It really is pathetic. Normally it drives me mad when ppl ignore me cos i find it rude, but today ive let him get on with it. Anything he has said, ive repeated 'bellend' in my head. Or i think of what STD he could be carrying from the ow or other suckers that opened their legs to him. I imagine him having syphilis or something and that helps me detach abit Wish i had this mentality all the time then hed never get to me. But i have weak days where everything he does gets to me.

Honey Stbxh veers from overly chatty to completely ignoring me. He'll start a friendly conversation and as soon as I bite and chat back, he blanls me. So I'm wise to that particular little mind game, and I'm getting good at not showing him if I'm upset, I refuse to give him the satisfaction. He attempts to make me jealous, I ignore. It's not always easy but it's worth the effort. They're idiots and we've figured them out. I think that pisses them off very much.

STBXH asks me personal questions, gets annoyed when I don't want to answer. Then proceeds to tell me all sorts about HIS personal life, including stuff about the OW and her kids. Even when I tell him to stop he just keeps going. It's maddening. Does he really think I care about this "other family" at all? I honestly think he believes I'm interested.

They think a bit of friendly chit chat will make us forget all the shit they put us through . Completely delusional.

Yes, I think it makes the situation more "normal" in his eyes. Sort of "well, if she can sit here and chat with me, I can't be that bad, can I?"

I'm really pleased with our plans for next week, actually, as I have stuff planned for every day - outings where the kids can see and do some fun stuff. I've really been looking forward to it.

U pretty much hit the nail on the head there. Contact was hilarious. Me and my mum just sat there giggling between us chatting and playing phone games. That was just days after he gobbed off at my mum, with the probable intention of getting meon my own. I took her anyway of course. He had asked me not to cos he didnt want it to be awkward. Awkward for him it was. He sat there with ds with a face like a smacked bum im pretty sure he thought i wouldnt bring her to spare him but he thought wrong. He cant be like that towards people and expect not to face the repercussions ie the awkward silence between them when i was taking my sweet time in the toilet

hey, just m\arking my place. still lurking, still coping, still dealing with a fw.

tweedlezee hiya. Good for still coping, not so great for still dealing with a fw. Right there with you.

Hope everyone is okay.

tweed and others stay strong, you've had the courage to LTB so don't look back.. I've had 3 glorious FW free days but he got back last night and immediately said I 'smelt funny' and had I been using fake tan- something he has told me not to. No. It is the hyacinth on the table. But he insists its me and I just ended up laughing but he didn't join in. Where is the line of total delusion vs FW?? On phone/'train or I'd do longer post!

thatsnot glad you have had 3 days FW free, shame it couldn't have been longer. Smelt funny? What a numpty.

so tuesday we went to mediation and it was so horrid for a day after i was so in shock now i keep crying.
i have been so good and flexible. not getting cross when he changes days and asking nothing of him. not trying to be a martyr but just getting on with my life and minimising his behaviour and the effect on me by not reacting. i have been doing so well and life has felt really good for a month. i even agreed for th ekids to go to his mum and dads for 7 days so they could spend some time with their cousins. i had no problem with this except missing my little lovelies. he came back and we went to mediation and apparently because i said no to two days (i wanted my kids to back into a routine) i am inflexible. it is unfair for him apparently.
its just he keeps changing things around and then getting cross when i cant flex to his plans. i ask nothing of him. but one day i had to ask if he would drop the kids off at 7:45. in my head he would be late, my brother could have them for the day then they would go on holiday. i had to work. but i didn;t feel it necessary to tell him. i sent the msg then had 16 texts asking me what i was doing and why i was asking. why i was lying or not telling the truth etc.
on tuesday, after his blantent bullshit (though i think sometimes he really believes that life is hard and unfair for him, but then he says he doesn;t think that and that I think that and I DONT) and the mediator letting me have the final word, i got an email outline all the reasons i was wrong and selfish. that i am jealous of him having fun with the kids. WTF??? I AM NOT!!! I just let them go away with him FOR A WEEK!!!!
i feel like being a total and utter cunt. i really do because it doesn;t matter how 'nice' and 'flexible' i am he still thinks i am a cunt. i'm not, i am really not.
i just feel broken today.

tweedle what a charmer he is. It's all about them, isn't it? Detach detach. It's the only way to get through it all with any sanity left at all.

STBXH sent me that message a few days ago basically demanding to see the DCs this coming week, stating he'd let me know the days. Has he? Of course not. He'll text a day or two prior expecting me to drop everything. It's Friday and he's not even bothered to send a message about what days he'll be in the area yet. I've had it. I am NOT at his beck and call. We've made plans with other people for days out next week, and I am not cancelling any of them. There is ONE small window of opportunity for him to see the DCs, and he can take it or leave it. If he is not willing to meet us in a public place during that time, then that's his problem. Honestly, how entitled can a person get? He literally expects me to simply keep the whole week open and available so he can pop over and see the DCs whenever HE feels like it. No consideration at all for anyone else. The DCs are excited about our plans and that we're going with other friends and family to these places, so if I cancelled, they'd be hugely disappointed.

found this abusesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2006/08/lessons-about-emotional-detachment.html

i let him get to me. that is why i feel depressed, weepy and really frustrated. this week has been like a micro version of our entire relationship culminating in him speaking to me like i am a little idiot girl. leaving me with no voice no matter how loud i shout. its why i shouted at my kids yesterday, its why i lost it with the man in the shop who got in front of me. its hiim getting ot me isn't it? it's so manipulative, like someone tapping really gently on your head constantly for a week then BAM! you lose it, course you do, anyone would, they love it. get to sit back and watch the fireworks with a smug grin on their face.
even when in mediation i explained that i had asked nothing of him, and the mediator asked if this was true he smirked a "yes".
even the mediator was getting irritable with him (she hid it well but patted me on the shoulder and held my hand for a long time whilst saying goodbye to me at the end) all i really want is a hug. times like this when being so far away from your mum is hard.

alice you are not!!! that is right!!! its flipping hard saying no though i find as i know the torrent of shit which i will be faced with when i do.

i was wondering, do you still feel you protect FW?
I have not really told anyone the things he did to me. Yet when i think i could tell people, the words get stuck like concrete to my mouth. I can't get them out. Am i still protecting him by not saying these things? Or am i protecting myself?

tweedle my mum is abroad, so I can't just get together for a with her either. We've had a bit of a rocky relationship sometimes, but she's been very supportive over the phone while I've been dealing with STBXH. But it's not quite the same.

I felt like I was protecting him for the longest time - worrying that he'd lose his job (which he then quit anyway, the prat) or get in trouble with the law (which he'll probably do anyway at the rate he's going).

i just have this urge to tell everyone the things he has done to me. they keep saying "well its probably because he is hurting" and of course they are looking on him like he is a 'normal' (using that term losely) man. But he just mediation as a chance ot paint a picture of me which is a complete and total lie.
i ran out of mediation, i ran all the way home. i have never wanted to get away from something so fast. but when he sits there saying i am this and that and i think to myself all the times he physically and emotionally abused me and i think, well wouldn't you want to rebuild a private life when you have been through 5 years of that???
but of course i can;t and i probably won't but seeing him smiling right now makes me want to rip his face off...sorry if thats a bit grim, but its true.

mine and my mums relationship has been off kilter for 15years (me moving out of hime at 16) but she has been immensly supportive and i value her more than ever. even if she can be a narc. Like asking me to move the weekend i have the kids because it doesn't suit her needs. NO!!!

yes, I have struggled with wanting to tell everyone how horrible he's been, as he's gone to great lengths to impress on everyone how he's the victim in all this.

I hadn't realised my niece (she's about the same age as my adult DD - in her 20s) was still a friend on FB of STBXH - I hadn't had a chance to mention to her what happened. Apparently he made some nasty comment about me, then when she asked him if something was wrong, he got nasty and then defriended her. No need for that IMO. She lives abroad and had no idea what was going on. Honestly, it only illustrates to others on his FB what a vile person he is, but still there's no need to be rude to my niece. She's a lovely girl, was always very polite and friendly to him, and she doesn't have a mean bone in her body. STBXH's sister was horrible to me and I still never was vile to her in public - felt it was not worth making a public scene over. But he can rip up niece who has done nothing at all to him. Makes me so angry.

It's just occurred to me that StBXH probably thinks that niece was the "friend" that contacted me when he was trashing me on FB. Probably explains him being vile, but doesn't excuse it. Especially as she wasn't who contacted me. Amusing to note that there were actually two people, both of them are people I didn't even know before I met STBXH. I was actually surprised, as I would have thought them firmly in his camp. Interesting, they've obviously not told him that they contacted me. Nice to know not everyone is believing his nonsense.

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm sat here in tears. I was perfectly fine, it's been a lovely, fun, busy day, DC have been superstars today and went off quickly tonight so I got myself a bath and ordered a chinese.
Take away turned up and I was flicking through random telly, texting my brother about plans for easter and the next minute I was sobbing my heart out just wondering what the fuck went wrong and when and why and tearing myself to emotional shreds while he's out there sonewhere not shedding a tear for what he's done to me.