Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

so sorry curtwild that you're struggling tonight. I do sometimes wonder if STBXH's "good" behaviour was all an act, and why it all went pear shaped. I can only assume his truly vile behaviour lately has been because he feels judged by others and doesn't like it, so aims his anger back towards me.

I have fun plans for the DCs this week, but will have to deal with STBXH here causing problems as well, so probably a fair bit of stress this week. You may be seeing some venting from me here as the week goes on.

Just feel bloody pathetic tonight. I have lots planned with DC over easter too, lots to look forward to and stbxh has been pretty well behaved. Maybe that's it. When he's not being a dick we get in pretty well. So I'm reminded of better times. And then I'm forced to wonder if those better times were even real or if, like he says, he was just playing along. And that upsets me even more. Was it ever 'real'?

oh curt. big hugs. it is all (sadly) normal. allow yourself to feel and get through. I always find it helpful to write those feelings down when i am having them. it can be useful to look back when you are not in that place. and you will be out of that place.
i have officially hit the 6month mark form splitting up with FW and i can promise you i have had whole weeks feeling the way you do. and sometimes i will be happy and i will look at the sky and just cry like BAM, tears. I can feel like being dragged back to the bottom of the mountain again. And it is harder because you remeber the view from the top and how happy you felt.
be kind to yourself. i have also not got kids at easter. i am hoping to have some friends over though for an adult dinner (and lots of wine) so all is not lost. but i would much rather be eating with my kids and my extended family.

Thanks tweedle I had a surprisingly good night's sleep and feel much better today. Had a nice couple of hours in town with DC having mcds and doing a bit of retail therapy and bought myself a writing pad and pens. I like the idea of pouring my feelings out on paper, I think I need to. I always made excuses or minimised stbxh's abuse when it came to friends and family, I didn't want them thinking bad of him so kept a lot of it in.
MN is really the only place I've had to vent, so writing it all down on paper will give me chance to rant and rant and cry and just get it all out. Hopefully it will help clear out a lot of the pain I've kept in and make moving forward easier.

CurtWild I was doing the same - holding it in. I've now freed myself up a bit and am allowing myself to tell family and friends that I was embarrassed to say anything in front of before. A number of STBXH's family now know and some of my family know as well. My friends knew and have been supportive.

I had some lovely therapeutic time today ripping out weeds and overgrown shrubbery in the garden. A bit worn out now, but so worth the time and effort. Nothing like good physical effort to work out those aggravations.

alice I've been getting into lots of hands in stuff too, sorting the garden (I'm laying lawn turf next week so that should be fun!), also scraping tiles and regrouting. It sounds odd but it really does help just getting stuck into stuff like that. Very theraputic.
Most of the people we knew as a couple have been 'knobbled' by stbxh and 'his story' so there would be no point me trying to explain hpw it really was as it would just confirm his story of the crazy ex. I have started opening up to family a bit but my parents are late seventies and I don't want to upset them. Pen and paper and MN will suffice!

CurtWild I tend to just let a passing comment "slip out" and then when they question it (which they always do) I just give a very brief explanation, matter of fact, and then change the subject. I refuse to lie for him anymore.

I am new here and thought I would post.

I don't have kids of my own but was seeing someone for some months with 2 kids.

She has said I'm an abusive partner. I've been on to a ciuncellor service to help this as I've never before been told I'm abusive by a partner.

They have a description of the different types of abuser and too many of the signs pointed to me being an emotional abuser which i am thoroughly ashamed of. So i am getting help to stop it.

But through it i have noticed a lot of the descriptions are also matching the person I'm seeing. I've tried talking toher about it but she says they aren't true.

She told me last week she had left her home and wasn'tcoming back . A few days after she contacted me again and told me to meet her. She wouldn't tell me where she was but gave me deliberate clues to find her and it turned out she was on holiday. So we had the holiday together and all was Ok. Then the night we got back we had a row and both said some really horrible things to each other. The following morning she rang me and we met up and spent the day together. We had a nice dinner and all was good again. But now she says she is leaving again and i am heartbroken and don't know what to do.

goingthruhell It sounds to me like she's messing you around and I'm sorry to say but you're letting her. She said she had left home then left clues for you to find her? And you went along with it? I wouldn't have gone a stride. She's playing games and you're buying into it. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I feel sad that you're letting yourself be taken for a ride. I've been there with my stbxh, and I unfortunately used to fall for it too because I loved him. She sounds awfully manipulative, I would suggest you distance yourself and take stock of what you want.
Well. Stbxh called this morning to ask what we're doing at easter. Infuriating. We had this conversation on wednesday. I asked him about easter and he said he had plans already. Fine. So I made my plans with my parents, DB and his GF. All good. So I just I reminded him of this conversation and he said it never happened!! WTAF?!!!?! I made a point of discussing easter with him before making any plans of my own. He had already made plans. No, didn't happen, he never said that. Aaaarrrggghhhh
Anyway, I stuck to my guns and said yes, we did have that conversation and my plans are made. Now he's insisting I either change my plans to involve him or get him an invite to my parents!! They won't have him over the threshold, that's for damn sure. And I don't see why I should change my plans when he had ample chance to discuss it last wednesday.
So ends the fragile truce. I'll see if he wants to do something on bank holiday monday. If not then tough.

goingthruhell I have to say I'm struggling with this one. First of all, many abusers, when confronted, often claim that the victim is abusive as well. We obviously don't know your partner's side of this at all, and what you've said happened over the last few days is odd at best. I think that if you feel she is messing you about, then distance yourself and sort your own behaviour out and move on IMO.

CurtWild I think this is the main reason for doing everything by text or email. You've got it to fall back on when they gaslight. I don't see why you should change your plans.

It's Sunday and, true to form, STBXH has not bothered to message me regarding contact this week. He still apparently just expects to "tell" me when he is seeing the DCs and for me to just drop all plans and go along with it. He's in for a shock, as I am not changing plans. The DCs have been looking forward to our plans and outings all week, and I've left one small window open in my schedule for a contact visit. He can either see them then or not at all.

alice Even when I was insisting on text conversations he refused to verify plans. He'd say he was coming on a certain day for example and I'd ask for a time. His reply was always that he'd let me know, or he'd cover it by saying DC were only 'pencilled in' basically giving me as little information as possible so he could back out if his plans changed and say well, I didn't give you a concrete time etc. He is very clever like that.
I mentioned it on wednesday as he was there and I wanted to know his plans do I could make mine. And no, I'm not changing them. He can have easter monday or sulk and do without.

Need another hand hold. Fw verbally and mentally exploded at me when i refused his unsupervised contact request. The gist is in my aibu post on the legal forum, im too exhausted to explain again. I feel traumatised by how cruelly he treated me lately. I forgot how nasty he can really get looks like hes dragging me to court he knows that scares me ive never been to court before and ive heard horror stories about what abused ppl go through in court

honey I'll go look at the other thread.

honey first of all, see if you can get a free 30-60 minutes with a solicitor to find out where you stand and what you need to do.

Make sure you have all your documentation in order:

• birth certificate showing he currently does not have parental responsibility
• any reports from social services involving him
• any information regarding this issue regarding his other children that he is not allowed to see unsupervised - it will definitely be helpful to know why. Those reasons will most likely apply in your situation as well.
• documentation of how often he's visited, how often he's cancelled. (shows a lot towards whether he seriously wants to see the child or simply use contact to control you)
• any and all messages he's sent you, including harassing ones, threatening ones, and those that pertain to contact in any way.

There is probably more, but obviously a solicitor is going to have more info. I know you've said you agreed that you would give him PR at some point, but do you really want him to have a say in schooling and such when your child gets older? This seems to be something he is using to control you and he will only get worse if he is given PR IMO.

Hi, hope you don't mind me joining, gradually dawned on me after a lot of denial that h is ea, after years of being so unhappy and his constant moods, anger, control and threats to leave I have finally told him it's over. Told him nearly 2 weeks ago and have had to endure either creepy affection, over the top great dad with ds or tirade of nastiness, usually in front of ds. I'm selfish because I'm not considering the family! He has told me I'm not having ds, he'll go to court and get him, apparently I need to accept responsibility for allowing him to behave like this, should of stood up to him years ago. I can cope with all of it (after a fashion) but the thought of him having ds more than eow and perhaps one night during week is killing me, he's 4 and never been away from me, I'm so upset about the damage I'm about to do to our beautiful boy..he's the only thing that matters but apparently not enough to stay put..

Hi moggiemay I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm almost 8 weeks out of my ea marriage and my DC are DD1 (3) and 18 month old twins. I hated the idea of breaking up their home, but more than that I hated the idea of them growing up in that home where verbal, emotional and mental abuse and aggression was the norm. I can't advise you on what to do, only to say for me and my DC, leaving was the difficult but right choice to make.
On another note, anyone who's in or has been in an abusive relationship, I suggest you stay away from a thread entitled Dilemma! unless you like being told you deserved to be abused and your children will grow up abusive, which is what the OP said to me.

Please know Moggie that this damage is all the responsibility of your FW H.

What you are and have been doing is trying to protect from his damages. In separating you are absolutely giving you both protection and space with peace and calm.

Try to write and record, here if you want, anything that you can to make his behaviour clear for you. This will be everything you need when /if it comes to any push on his part to take you to court for contact.

I am so sorry to hear that you have had to endure EA, but you are in fact facing up to all this and acting in order to protect your beautiful DS. He does need protecting, and staying put will not do that every day you stay he is subjected to more abuse. You are brave to have survived all this and will both benefit hugely from being out of it.

Your FW H is losing control of you (by your leaving) and that is the worst prospect he could face, so he is likely to threaten you, and he knows that the biggest threat he has over you is your beautiful DS, so naturally he will use that to keep control of you.

Courts are interested in children seeing both parents safely, and the schedule of contact that you are talking about is absolutely reasonable and fairly standard. With the knowledge of his abuse that you have, providing your DS is safe from that during contact, a court will wonder why he is pursing you for contact if he already has reasonable contact?

Many are only interested in the DC purely as a tool to control their DM. Once they realise that everything is sufficiently distant and managed for them not to have any element of control over you, sadly many lose any real interest.

For now I think it makes sense to not engage with him about this atall, and just quietly make your plans and separate in whatever way you do that. Do it as quickly as you can and let others know that you can trust 110% to not speak of it and to store things of importance for you, like all your passports, bank cards, statements, bills. DS's medical book, etc

Keep your head down and both safe, as this is the time he is likely to use everything he can to exert more control over you.

Welcome to the thread, but sorry you need to be here, but you are already a long way along on your way to having a better life for you both.

oh really Curt !!! thanks for the tip.

fairy I've reported OP and her posts as have others but MNHQ are dragging their heels. Shocking and upsetting views and personal attacks by OP.

Thank you so much, it really helps to write it down, I start to doubt myself! Just been to our children's centre where they have been brilliant, lots of support and information, really made me think about how I'm still trying to pacify him. Got solicitor this pm, unfortunately h knows so will want all the details, will have a get out plan in place to give me strength

Hi moggiemay sorry your going through this good luck for solicitor x

oh thats good Moggie it does make all the difference in the world, I found, getting support around you. It can take a very long time to actually separate, I mean emotionally, and not be pacifying, especially after living in fear of all the perceived wrong doings.

I'm glad offences have been reported Curt Its good to have a safe thread like this to come back to. Its good to know where/who to avoid!

Lovely day out today with friends. Another day out planned for tomorrow, and then another day out with friends on Wednesday and Friday (different friends with their DCs). Thursday is appointment day. LOL It's our busy week this week, but today was brilliant. Looking forward to tomorrow.

No word from FW at all. Hardly a surprise.

Glad you had a good day alice, I imagine your DC are having a ball with all the activities.
Stbxh is still sulking over my easter plans and has said he might not see DC at all this week as a 'consequence'.. I told him that's up to him.
DD1 has accepted that he turns up every now and then and isn't even asking about him between visits anymore. Twins are still happily oblivious.
Taking DC to see extended family tomorrow, DS loves trains so he's super excited. Travelling for two hours on a train with a toddler and two babies for the first time! Wish me luck

Hope the journey is a good one curt. I saw the solicitor this afternoon who was good but not sure he really understood ea, anyway he suggested mediation for finances and possibly access. Told h tonight, not as bad as anticipated, lots of tears for poor ds to witness and lots of poor me but I'm staying strong..no going back now