Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

If he comes back again, don't open door, tell him through door to leave. If he doesn't leave immediately, ring police and tell them he's refusing to leave and that he has been harassing you all day.

It doesn't matter whether or not you are frightened for your safety. Harassment doesn't need to make you fearful. It's just harassment. She handled that wrong IMO.

But please don't be afraid to involve the police. He needs to understand that he cannot treat you this way.

alice I won't hesitate. I'm actually going to be away with DC all next week, staying with extended family on their small farm, which will be wonderful! Very much looking forward to a break - by tuesday morning we'll be collecting fresh eggs for breakfast. DC are very excited at the prospect, and after today I must say I can't wait!

Stbxh knows if he doesn't see DC for contact tomorrow, then it'll be another nine days before he gets the chance again. His loss.

Curt did he show up for contact today?

You would not believe the unbelievably awful stuff that KD's older son (technically my stepson) has been telling people about me. Lies. All lies. He and some people that I used to consider friends (friends of KD and myself as a couple) were having a right old nasty discussion about me on fb. Apparently KD's recent incident is all my fault, as is everything else that has gone wrong for him over the past 10 years. Everything. FFS. They have accused me of marrying him just to get money and a visa. Pretty ironic considering he was working as a night cleaner at a uni when we met, and then a supermarket as a night shelf stocker. Not exactly made of money. I have always made more money than him when I was working, so I'm not sure how they figure I was using him for money, when he didn't have any.

Interesting that they didn't blame the OW he moved in with, got engaged to, who then dumped him a month ago. Or they didn't blame him with his alcohol problems and quitting his job. I imagine they don't know about the abuse, the relationship he had with OW while we were still together, things like that. Of course not. Even if they did, they'd find a way to blame me. (D)SS is as bad as KD in that regard - aggressive, vindictive, and a right nasty piece of work.

Interesting that he's bashing me for not staying with KD, when HE left his partner and their son (when he was about 2) for some girl that he'd fallen for. Just up and left her and his son with no warning, walked out. KD & I supported his partner when he walked out. Then when the OW knocked him back, his partner took him back. IMO he was lucky she did (more fool her). He can't hold a job long, has a lousy attitude, police record, and smokes pot all the time. Yep, real charmer. Oh, and his partner is spreading the same lies about me as well.

I'm actually more upset that ex-friends of ours actually believe his lies. Really nasty stuff being put. I'm not reading it now, but it was vile.

I will also point out that this means I cannot ring MIL to even find out how he is or if he will be okay (they weren't certain the other night) or even if he is out of hospital or anything. Which I would like to know, if nothing else because he is the dc's father. But there is no way I am ringing and risking getting a bunch of nasty verbal abuse over the phone if stepson answers.

So because I'm not ringing to see how he is, I imagine the next thing will be a diatribe on what a cold hearted bitch I am, not even checking to see if he's alive. I hate this. I am not a bad person, dammit. None of this was my doing.

Bloody hell alice, that's lousy. What an absolute cheek. No, let's not blame his OW who dumped him, or his many character flaws, let's blame his long suffering stbxw because that's far easier to swallow. It sounds like the apple didn't fall too far from the tree with your stepson.. And yes, it's difficult to check on how KD is now without walking into a possible shit storm. Which you clearly do not deserve! Any chance of directly calling the hospital to find out how he is? Just a thought.

No, KD didn't turn up for contact. I sent one last text yesterday evening (I know, I know) to remind him that contact is (was) 1pm and could he please let me know if he was coming. Nothing. As it happened we didn't go out today anyway because of the unpredictable weather, but he didn't turn up or cancel.

I haven't heard a peep from him since his 'scene' at my door yesterday. I just hope he's remembered I'm taking DC to my uncle's farm next week, setting off first thing monday. I did clearly outline my plans in a text. Wondering if I should (yet again) swallow my pride and remind him.

No. Do NOT remind him. And do not answer ANY texts or calls from him while you're gone either. In fact, I think you should just turn off your mobile (like I did on holiday) and go have a good time.

I texted his niece that rang me to tell me initially what had happened, but no idea if she'll actually respond. I swear to god, if he died I'm not even sure if they would tell me, even for the dcs to go to the funeral. They don't even accept our dcs as part of the family. Nobody but MIL even acknowledges them in any way.

well, niece answered saying he's home from hospital but not in a good way. So that's that. Nothing else really. No idea where to go from here, other than to wait until he contacts me regarding the dcs.

I think if possible, I would take legal advice and professional medical advice on this one, Alice. Your first responsibility is to your dc, but you also have to consider your own mental and emotional wellbeing. Regardless of the ins and outs of why your STBXH did this, his behaviour is putting you through the mill. I would not have the first idea how to deal with this.

In some ways, I think you are already doing the right things, which is supervised contact in a public place, but I also wonder if you have reached a point where you want to see evidence of his seeking help. Clearly, he is in some emotional distress, and I would be worried about how he will be with dc during contact.

I would see if you can see that dr in your practice who was suggested, and speak to your solicitor. I think there is a point where the situation is sufficiently grave that you have to say, I am not professionally equipped to deal with it on my own. And this is partly in case it gets worse, that you are making decisions with the appropriate support.

Hope that makes sense.

Oh, and block all these people on FB. Protect your own emotional wellbeing. It matters not one bit to your day to day life what they think.

curt, don't text to remind him. The silence is one way of trying to get you to engage. He is being a twat. Hard as it is, just get on with your life.

I have blocked them now. I'm not planning on the dcs having any contact with him for now. I'm going to be ringing social services on Monday to speak to a SW to see how best to progress at this point. I am leaning towards contact centre.

Good plan, I don't think you should be dealing with this yourself.

No, I feel a bit out of my depth at this point and don't want anything to escalate. I will feel much better (I hope) after speaking to a SW.

alice bluebell I haven't contacted him and I won't now. He's been a complete dick these last few weeks, just when I thought he was kind of getting the hang of being 'normal' for our DC. This control and power play is evidently more precious to him than actually parenting our DC. Don't know why I'm surprised really.

alice..here's hoping for a calmer week for you. I'm certainly looking forward to escaping it all for a week, and my DC's can't wait to go. Finger's crossed we have a fine week. I might just block his number when we set off

Curt You will have such a lovely time. Honestly. When we went for our week's seaside holiday it was utter bliss. I didn't even take the mobile with me that KD had the number for. Left it at home so he couldn't contact me at all. No stress, no worrying if my phone went off (as I only took the one that my friends and my family have). I highly recommend just turning it off or something. He has no reason to contact you - you've told him you would be gone. If he can't be bothered to keep track of it, that's HIS problem, not yours.

I am hoping that this coming week will be a bit better. KD is apparently home, but not in good shape, and hasn't made any effort to contact me. I was going to ring tomorrow to see what the long term plans are regarding child contact and such, but I think I'm just going to let it ride for now. That gives me time tomorrow to ring SS (or Tuesday if they have to ring me back) to get more information and possibly ring the legal helpline I have been using to double check a few things there as well.

I'm a bit worried that I'm going to be under pressure from his family to be more "cooperative" with him so as to not stress him. You know, they're going to push for me to let him see the dcs in my home or at MIL's home. I just have this nagging feeling that's what's going to be coming next. We'll see. It's not going to happen though. If he is that fragile mentally, then I definitely don't want him in my home or around the dcs. Let him pull himself back together a bit and get on his feet and THEN we'll discuss contact, most likely at a contact centre or public venue.

alice..I may not even have signal out where we're going haha . I absolutely cannot wait.

Wrt to your situation, I think you might be right about them pressuring you into making life 'easier' (and don't fw's just love an easy life!) for KD but in all honesty if he's that fragile, I really don't think I'd want him around DC if I was you. Like you say, let him rebuild and repair and then continue contact in the way you see fit. Bugger him having it easy, you need to feel safe and relaxed and you clearly don't when he's in your home.

Exactly. I can already see the flocking about to make sure he's okay thing going on a bit, as they put the blame on everyone else (okay, all on me!) for this. I imagine the next step will be pressuring me to bring the dcs to him at MIL's house as he won't be "up" to using the public transport. And I'm anticipating the "how can you possibly imagine he's a threat in this condition" argument as well.

I know, I probably sound a little paranoid, but it's a gut feeling I have that it's coming. They're going to be bending over backwards to make things easier for him, and any "noncompliance" on my part will be considered mean and inconsiderate and hateful.

I honestly don't think that he made the attempt with manipulation in mind, based on his actions. But I do think that, once he realises the value of it, he will fully take advantage of the pressuring opportunities that it presents. I'm not changing my rules though. He is more of a threat to the dcs than he was before IMO. More likely to erupt if upset, more likely to be erratic, more likely to upset them. So no, I am not changing the rules - public place or not at all.

Make no mistake, I don't want to stop him seeing the dcs. But I do want their contact with him to be safe and happy.

Oh I would absolutely expect him to take full advantage of the 'aww poor you' and the fussing and flocking. KD had a similar 'incident' where he went awol for 4 days and called me and friends saying he was self harming, was contemplating suicide, that he was trashing his sim and disappearing. And all the while making out I was to blame for it. Of course back then I believed it and felt wretched, begged him to come home etc. And he dined out on that little escapade for months. He also successfully turned his (now estranged) family against me, and many of our mutual friends. Not one of them considered how a man could do this to the woman who only 10 days earlier had undergone a c-section to deliver twins. Apparently it was their birth that 'sent him over the edge with panic'..and was, of course, solely my doing.

I know you want him to see your DC, I want KD to see my DC too, but I won't be steamrolled anymore. I'm truly sick of it. They have had ample chance to step up and time and again they prove they care more for their bullshit and drama and control of us than they do about being a decent parent.

I know. he knew damn well it was ds2's birthday as he had just wished him happy birthday on the phone. no thought that it would mean ds2's birthday might be forever associated with his death and upsetting for them both.

Utterly, utterly selfish. There's no two ways about it. He was thinking about himself, his own woes, and never considered the fallout of his actions. On ds2's bday ffs. The mind truly boggles.

I felt nasty and selfish even thinking it, but I did wonder if he waited for the birthday so it had maximum impact. not very charitable of me, I know. But remember I said that he didn't even bother to contact me regarding Saturday's contact visit, which was unusual? He didn't mention it when he rang to wish ds2 happy birthday either. I wonder at the back of my mind if he was planning it that way.

Obviously I'll never know. I feel better talking about it on here, as I cannot really discuss that anywhere else. I feel awful even suggesting it, but I just don't know.

Honestly? And obviously I don't know your own personal fw but I know the brand name well, the first thing I thought when I read your post about his attempted suicide, was 'aah..that explains why he didn't confirm contact this week.' Now maybe that's just my paranoia speaking or I'm projecting. But it honestly was my first thought. Maybe it's just from yonks of being manipulated ..I don't know. But I do know it fits well with the abusive 'M.O' that seems to fit most fw's. Maybe that's uncharitable of me, too. But I've been fragile, I've been desperate, I've been at rock bottom. But one thing I've never been is selfish, and what your KD did (and the 4 days living rough/self harm episode my KD had) reeks of self absorbtion.

I feel badly even thinking it, but just can't help it. As I said, I'll never really know. But I don't think that I would have ever forgiven him if he actually succeeded. (yeah, I know, it wouldn't have mattered to him at that point) My dcs have had enough to go through this year without that.

I am not going to be the one to talk him back to reality though. As far as I'm concerned, it needs to be business as usual. Otherwise I can see a big spiral of issues.

Alice, yes, it does need to be business as usual. One of the things I learnt from my very expensive legal experience is only engage with material issues (I mean material in a broad sense, not just financial, so the things which affect your day to day life). It does not matter what his family say about you. It actually also does not really matter why he did what he did. All that matters is the practical steps you take from here on.

You can think yourself round in circles trying to understand, but it is pointless.