Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

bluebell thanks..seems no matter how I try to set up boundaries he'll stomp all over them. And I relent over 'popping in' because he blobs on his contact days and then my DC ask to see him..so on and so on..

He's just called to 'apologise' for getting caught up in town yesterday. We both know it was a bare faced lie. He'll know I saw him walk past my house with a woman literally ten minutes after texting to say he'd be late out of town. But of course I have to pretend I didn't, because to say I saw him is to call him a liar. And if I call him a liar then that stirs up a whole shit storm. So I said nothing. Agreed to saturday contact and just sent a text to confirm it with the addition of 'please be aware that if you haven't arrived by 1:30, I will make alternative plans for the afternoon'..he's replied with 'what kind of attitude is that, either you want me to see DC or not, which is it?'

And round and round and round we go. Completely worn out with all this. Emotionally and mentally just so tired.

I'm going to A&E on the advice of nhs direct because I've been feeling so low :(

Offred good that you're getting some help. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Curt Don't buy into it. Just send the same message again that you sent the first time. Don't alter it at all. He's trying to get a conversation started so he can blame it all on you. Be firm. If he then chooses to cancel, that's on HIS head, not yours. Be strong. He's just trying to push boundaries again, because you're not playing into the "wait around all afternoon" game that he was playing.

I think part of the problem is that we tend to feel badly when the dcs don't see their dad. And KD is counting on that, and knows they can push the blame on us.

We need to shoulder the burden IMO of remaining firm throughout their games, even if it means that the dcs miss a few visits with their dads. It will benefit them in the long run.

Curt remember - as soon as you put your foot down and said he had to follow scheduled visits, he fought it, but you remained firm, and then he started following scheduled visits. The moment you step back and give him any room to wiggle (such as "popping in" on an unscheduled day), he starts playing you again. And now you're being firm about the time of the visit, insisting that he be on time, and he's kicking off. Remain firm. No emotions. Business only. This is an APPOINTMENT. If he chooses to miss it, it's HIS problem. Just don't tell the dcs about the visits prior - I don't anymore. Avoids them getting upset.

He's trying to wind you up. What a twat.

alice, it is all just done to get under my skin, provoke a reaction. I'm trying to keep it simple and business like but he's determined to make it personal with all the little digs about how he bets he's pissing me off etc (luckily no upset to DC as I never tell them about visits). Random texts at stupid o' clock saying he's crying because I took his babies away..and I'm so close to saying well if he hadn't been an abusive twat I wouldn't have had to! He doesn't seem to tie the two together.

Anyway. Staying firm to contact time. He can turn up in time or he can miss out. And if he blobs I can still do something fun/productive with the DC

Eurgh, Curt. Do you need to accept calls from him? That sort of fuckwittery must be so draining - and you need your energy for your small DCs.

The other trick is to pause before even reading his texts. The aim is to get him out of your headspace as much as possible. Since you had fuckwittery to contend with yesterday, protect yourself by not reading his texts today. Next weekend can be arranged another day. He wants to control when you think about him - don't let him.

charlotte re phone calls..I initially refused his calls and insisted on text only. We had a bit of a stand-off whereby I refused his calls and he refused to communicate via text. This resulted in weeks of NC (which was lovely!) but not so great for our DC. Finally I agreed to speak to him but was clear that if he verbally abused me even once, we would be back to square one. So far he's managed to stick to that.

I'm flat out with the twins, as they're 20 mo now and into everything! DD1 has just discovered the joys of being a big sister and realised she can get them to do almost anything.. so yeah, exhausted physically, and then him niggling away at me emotionally/mentally..bleh.

Sorry for the rant. Feel a bit overwhelmed today.

Ha ha - yes, that sounds like a FW.

Rant away. You've got a lot on your plate.

Well, KD hasn't bothered to confirm Saturday's contact visit. I'm not going to remind him. If I don't hear from him today, (giving him an extra day, because I told him in email Tuesday) then I'm making other plans. I can't be dealing with FW behaviour. I'm tired and stressed and not willing to engage in FWery.

Offred, I hope you are okay and got the support you need.

Curt, I think he is creating uncertainty around contact as a way of keeping you engaged. I don't know any easy answer for detaching and ignoring. It took me months and a fairly tortuous legal process, which is still not settled, and I pretty much accept, won't be, to get boundaries enforced.

I am doing mindfulness meditation now, as a way of moving my thoughts beyond all this, to deal with the anxiety I wake up with every day. I know you have small dc, but you can get apps which have even short guided meditations you can fit in. The principle is that you can't change his behaviour, but you can change how you respond and how much time you spend thinking about it.

Oh, and I retrieved that message on that dating site that KD sent. I went in with a blank profile long enough to retrieve the message, then deleted my account. The message basically said "XXX (my name) This is something you might like" I presume he means the site? But when I told him about the message previously, he said he didn't send that to me... but it has my name on it, and he would have had to type in my email address, in order to send it. Very very odd.

Oh and he was going on last week about how MIL is really showing signs of mental deterioration (personally I would've thought that made him feel like a real shit for abandoning her in the first place, but heaven forbid he feel guilt - nothing is his fault, nothing to feel guilty about, eh? ). But yet he still has not bothered to confront her about it or sit down and discuss her driving (as she really shouldn't be) with her. So she is happily driving around - IMO an utterly unsafe driver. He says she gets upset and angry if he brings it up. Well of course she does. Nobody said it'd be easy, but at least then she might be safe (and so will others on the road). It's such a blindingly irresponsible way of dealing with things, I'm just appalled.

I went back and checked my previous message to him. It was very very clear that I expected a message to confirm the contact by the Tuesday prior to the contact visit. Yup, Wednesday today.

To be clear, I don't mean you should not adopt various strategies to also limit the effects of his behaviour; I am talking about trying to deal with the mental niggling once those strategies are in place.

Plus, sending texts at stupid o'clock could be construed as harassment.

Curt Is there a possibility of simply putting your phone on silent at night, so you don't hear him texting? Or even getting a second phone with a new number and just not giving that number to him? I've done that, and KD only has my old number.

It was a bit grim. I was waiting in A&E for 5 hours before I eventually saw the mental health crisis team. They're calling me this morning and so is my GP. Have got the crisis teams helpline number and they are doing a review in two weeks. They've referred to social services :(

I've blocked his phone number and email so he can't contact me at all.

Morning all..bluebell I'm basically engaging as little as possible with him, oh and I found Baggage Reclaim is a fab site for putting stuff into perspective, loads if great posts about the kind of situation we find ourselves in. I've vastly changed how I respond to him, so he never really gets to see that he's annoyed me anymore. Now if I could just not dwell on it and stew over it..thank god for MN and being able to get it off my chest here, or I'd explode!

alice what bizarre behaviour from KD, sending a message with your name on it then denying it was for you? Oddsfish. Re my phone..I do have it on silent at night, then I wake up to random 'you've wrecked my life' or 'what will it take to win you back' type texts. Might just take on the idea of a KD phone. Funnily enough I've had no confirmation of saturday contact either but that's not surprising, he'll be weighing up his options and waiting to see if he gets a better offer. Tired brain. Can't remember if it's 2 weeks or 3 since he last spent time with DC. DD1 has been asking for him all week

I've had a shit week, with dd's oh shouting at ds1 the other day. I left with the dcs after it happened, but they are stating it's MY fault. Long story, but I can only assume there's some noxious gas flowing through their house distorting reality for them, as there is no way it's anyone's fault but dd's oh. He feels it's perfectly fine to shout at other people's children, I guess. And then sends me a passive aggressive message to justify it, blaming ME. Yeah, okay. Looks like the week for FWs.

I am going to make plans for Saturday, as KD hasn't bothered to contact me. He'll wait until Friday then be pissed off because I've made plans. I am fast reaching a point where I don't care what ANYONE says. I'm so sick of people being wretched.

alice I know the feeling well. I'm fast losing patience with KD's shitty attitude to contact and I feel my 'higher ground halo' beginning to slip. I stood for shoddy treatment while we were together, why should I still be standing for it now? We all say ignore, detach, disengage etc but I spent my married life having to do that just to keep my sanity. I 're-wired' my brain so that nothing he said or did 'appeared' to upset me..but how healthy is that? Surely it isn't? All I keep coming back to is why oh why should I still have to do that? There are days when all I can think is how much he's loving how meek I still appear to be, like his conditioning worked so well I'm still cowtowing to him in a way. There are still no consequences for his shittiness. Aah I don't know. That was all a bit rambly. I'm feeling frustrated and impotent. I know bollocking him would serve no purpose, just at times I feel like keeping my mouth shut allows him to still feel like he's silenced me, like I was silenced when we were together. Like he's still 'getting away with it' and I'm still a joke to him.

Sorry you DD's OH had a go at your DS alice. I'm getting a bit sick of people being wretched too. I had a run in with my DM last weekend (long story and nothing new there), that's someone else I have to tread carefully around. Meh

Curt I am right there with you on wondering some days why I should have to put up with it anymore. I was reading through old emails to check the prior email I sent to KD regarding this week's contact (to verify that yes, I DID say contact me by Tuesday to confirm, which I did), and I came across a few of his that were demanding to see the dcs in my house and saying I didn't have a right to lay down the law regarding contact visits. I so wanted to respond with a "actually my solicitor say I DO have that right"... but I didn't.

Re dd, I don't want to have a bad relationship with her but I'm not going to be treated like shit either. I'm TIRED of being treated like shit.

alice..yeah, I'm tired of being treated like shit too. There are only so many times I can turn a blind eye or take a deep breathe before I stop and think..why the hell am I still putting up and shutting up. Wrt my DM, she's lovely, but she's very easy to upset/offend..literally DC only have to be too preoccupied with toddler things to notice she's arrived, for example, and she's in a huff with me and them for the rest of the visit, and has been known to just leave after five minutes in a mood if she doesn't get the instant attention/response she feels is suitable or I say something she doesn't like. Sound familiar? . I can really do without that kind of behaviour, a bit of support and understanding would be brilliant as she knows I'm struggling with KD and exhausted from 3 small people. She's of the mind that KD is still walking all over me and I'm still letting him so tough.

I'm tired of having to deal with KD's behaviour. I'm tired of having to make excuses for ds1's behaviour that is due to his disability. I'm tired of being tired, even.

I am fast reaching a point where I'm just going to start being brutally honest with everyone around me. It will NOT be pretty.

Gaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! He's just called, nice as pie, 'I'm not sure what I'm doing on saturday, I'll have to get back to you.' Wtaf?? So I just told him what I thought. He hasn't seen DC in ages and he can't even keep a couple of hours free for them each week. So he says I'm forcing him to see his kids and don't I think he wants to see them? Well if you wanted to see them you bloody well would, you wouldn't be telling me I'm forcing you ffs you'd just do it. I'm sick of it sick of it sick of it. I can't be arsed with this charade any more. I can't be arsed with sitting back and letting him walk all over me whilst I keep a smile in place. I've had enough of it. I can't even tell him DD1 has been asking for him all week because he's say it's emotionally blackmailing him into seeing them. Wtf is wrong in his brain that tells him it's ok to be like that?

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Well, then I guess he doesn't see them on Saturday. If he can't confirm it ahead of time, then you're making other plans. And leave it at that. If he confirms and doesn't show up on time, then you have backup plans and will be doing those instead. What an utter prat.

It occurs to me that both dd and KD have now criticised my parenting of ds1 and ds2. Neither have taken the time to understand the disabilities involved, and both apparently seem to think nothing of shouting verbal abuse at them. Oddly, I never shouted at dd when she was a child. A few times I raised my voice when she was a teenager, but rarely to be honest, other than when she was about 15-16yo and to be fair, it just wasn't necessary. So I'm a bit baffled where this is coming from.

But my friends that know me, ds1's OT, have all told me that they think I parent them well. So go figure.

This is never going to get any better, is it. That's just hit me like a ton of bricks. I will always have a 'tone of voice' if he decides it and is in 'that' mood. He will always prioritise every other thing over our DC because he always did. He will always find fault with me in everything from my parenting to my choice in wallpaper. He'll never take blame for any of his shortcomings because he doesn't think he has any. So our separation is exactly like our marriage. I may as well still be living with him, creeping about on eggshells so as not to have him shout at me in front of our DC, because that's exactly what I'm still doing after 6 months apart.

I'm sorry this is ranty and rambling. I'm just at my wits end. I have these 3 wonderful little people here and I just want to constantly gather them up for cuddles and apologise for choosing them such an utter wanker as a dad.

alice I'm in the no raised voice camp of parenting too..I find it far more productive and conducive of good behaviour than barking orders and shouting (which is how KD handles them).

I'm not really in the best of moods either. God help KD if he harasses me today, as I am really not up for it. I am sick to the teeth of it all.

One more shit storm from him and I'm cancelling contact and demanding it be in a contact centre from now on. I am not here to be jerked around. If KD doesn't like his current situation, he's got nobody but himself to blame.

Just a note Curt that your situation that you're dealing with now - with him coming to your place for contact - is what I was dealing with for the first 9 months after we separated. And I DID feel like he'd never left, as the moment he stepped through the door, it all fell right back into the dynamics of the relationship again. He is now not allowed into my house. It gives me some privacy and head space. He's not happy with it. But I don't care. The dcs and I need home to feel safe. And it doesn't when he's here.