Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships - thread 29

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I do feel we still have the same dynamic. When I'm angry with myself for falling into the same old false sense of security, I just think meh he may as well just move back in. Aside from not being able to use my body as and when he feels like it, (regardless of whether I had the energy or inclination), nothing has really changed. I still put up and shut up when he's treating me like shit, I'm still a joke to him, I'm still 'useful' to him. The DC are still a filler for when he doesn't have a better offer.

It's more than just him coming into my home. It's the amount of headspace he still seems to take up, even though my days and nights are taken up with DC, he still gets in there and then days like today happen.

I came back on here after some years, to retrieve some of my original threads to take into therapy. Blimey, what an eye opener!

NOTHING. EVER. CHANGED.

Not really. The stuff I posted in 2009, I could have posted this last Christmas.

Me, on the other hand, well I have changed a lot. An awful lot.

His lies,(he is a pathological liar, yeah, another one) are bordering on funny, they are so ludicrous.....and the tragic thing for him, is that it is and has all been logged...for years and years and years.

He insisted on taking me to court, because I had arranged a contact centre, and he thought he should have free access, and court have asked for reports from all agencies. I am gobsmacked at the way he lies about what outside agencies have done....the police are going to "do" me for wasting police time, the surgery rang him to tell him I am mad, and the judge at court has agreed with him in a private conversation, that contact arrangements are terrible, and it's all my fault.

Oh, and it is still a contact centre, but the person who runs it has been on holiday...again, my fault.

Once upon a time I would have believed this shite, and been physically terrified, not now. I think he is round the bend and everyone can see it.

The moral of the story?

Keep EVERYTHING. Log everything, involve ALL the agencies you can. Get a great therapist!

xxx

God, and the stress just keeps coming. Stbx rang the dcs today and chatted with them for 2-3 minutes, then afterwards he went and attempted suicide. Bunch of pills and booze. MIL is with him now in the hospital and his niece just rang me. Part of me is horrified, part of me is really angry, I just don't know what to feel right now. I guess the anger in part because if he had died, did he even once consider that it's ds2's birthday and the effect it would have? (and ds1's birthday a week and a half ago) So for years to come their birthdays would remind them of that. And I know, I know, that is SUCH a selfish thing for me to think. But it was just one of the things that was swirling around in my head. She rang right while I was putting ds2 to bed, ds1 is still up, so it's not like I could talk much with her or ask much as they were both sitting right next to me asking who it was on the phone.

sigh.

That is not a selfish thing to think. That is having your priorities where they belong - with your DCs, not with him.

What an awful thing for you to have to cope with. and and for strength.

Thanks. I don't really know what to think right now. I waver between anger and horrified and just plain irritated. A bit sad that he has deteriorated that much. It doesn't really change much for me, but hopefully he will get counselling now.

Just one more thing after what sounds like an incredibly stressful week already alice. Hard to know what to say right now. Sounds like you're running the gammet of emotions and I'm not surprised. If anyone is selfish here it's him. Selfish and thoughtless. and from me, too.

I just tucked the dcs in tonight thinking "they have no idea they could have lost their daddy today" and feeling sad for them, at the same time fuming that he could have really screwed them up - dcs with SNs and disabilities have a higher rate of depression when they're teenagers, and I worry enough about that as it is, without this.

And I do feel selfish for being angry - he's obviously struggling and I feel bad for him that he is. (no, by the way, that doesn't mean I'd get back together - I can feel sympathy for him without wanting to be with him)

His niece made a couple comments on the phone that he was so depressed and upset that everything had just tanked and he felt he had nothing. I wonder if they blame me for this?

Oh Alice - so sorry you are having to deal with all this. But remember - he still wants to be the centre of attention and for everyone to feel sorry for him.

Curt - sending you a hug

We have been going relate counselling for 14 months now and I have finally realised and accept that my h is never going to change. I am gutted that our relationship isn't important enough to him. I want unconditional love and his love has strings attached. He is jealous of everyone and everything including DS. So after 24 years with him I am seeing a solicitor.

Although the relate hasn't brought us together - it's allowed me to gain strength. A year ago I couldn't even think about leaving him. Now, yes I'm scared but I know that I have tried everything to make our marriage work.

Wish me luck and please be around to hold my hand xx

I'm sorry he's such a FW, fff, but that's great that you can see him for who he is.

Good luck with the sol.

There is a brighter future waiting for you!

Alice a bit of perspective on the suicide attempt: manipulative on his part, in the extreme. I really hope he is OK. And you + kids, I'm sure you are doing your best to keep this from them and I would think that's the best way forward.

I'm not denying that he geuinely does have these feelings-- hopelessness, despair etc. But as you say he had no thought whatsoever for anyone but himself in his actions, of course the kids would have been affected, especially so close to their birthdays. Is there any way you can cut contact out altogether, say for a year, while he gets himself together and proves that he can be a responsible person?

I'm sure you feel responsible... TBH this scenario is exactly why I haven't left H yet. You NEED to get some help and MIL etc should be involved in protecting the DC's as a matter of priority.

Take care of yourself, sorry you're having such a bad time at the moment, so unfair.

fff interesting about Relate-- especially after such a long time, glad it's shown you more about who you are rather than just being about him/his actions.

I'm seeing a counsellor now and TBH it's driving me crazy that every time I ask her what she thinks about some thing she replies with 'what do YOU think...?' I'm sure she is doing a great job but I'm starting to think it is a waste of her time and mine, that I know I want to leave but it's just the logistics that have me at a standstill.

thatsnot Ironically, no I actually don't feel responsible. I'm levelheaded enough to know that he made his own choices and this was simply another choice he made. I have no responsibility in it. I suspect, however, that his family is perhaps not so generous in their feelings about blame, although I can't be sure.

I honestly don't know if there was manipulation at the heart of it. I think that things really did get on top of him and he made a poor choice. He didn't tell anyone ahead of time, he didn't make any threats, he was cheerful and pleasant to the boys on the phone, then after he hung up, he apparently took a bunch of pills and booze. He lives with MIL, so I imagine she found him. I feel badly for her, as she just lost her only other child a few months ago unexpectedly, so this must have been a horrible shock for her. He also hasn't attempted to contact me or guilt me or anything like that. There's really been no "manipulation attempt" at all. I think he just hit bottom

My first ex rang me and threatened suicide (years ago obviously) just after we separated. THAT was an obvious attempt at manipulation. He was all "if I don't have you, I might as well be dead. I'm going to kill myself if you don't get back with me." Pretty blatant. I rang his mother (who lived in the same town as him) and told her what he said and told her to get him some help. I lived hours away from him, there was literally nothing I could do. He didn't make any attempt, and he never tried it again.

I need to be here.

Been with DH for 10 years. I suffer from anxiety & depression. Whenever he's done something wrong he then mindfucks me - tries (and usually succeeds) to trigger my anxiety & depression.

Our marriage is dead. We are co-parents who live together. Nothing more.

I'm making peace with that.

wombles welcome. Sorry you're going through this. Do you have any RL support locally, like family or friends? What do you want to do at this point?

If they intended to kill themselves...they would. Attention seeking. NOTHING more...it always has to be about THEM, getting one over on the rest of the world.

Winning the point, scoring an attention victory, turning it ALL back to how tragic it is for them.

Playing the victim is a cornerstone to their pathology. Always someone else's fault, always projecting their faults on to their victims, always playing divide and rule, triangulation...just to win some freakish "victory" over the world.

They are pathetic.

And not giving a flying fuck about any children...not really..ss evidenced by so much on here.

They are devoid of love.....they just want to have a fleeting moment of superiority, because deep down, they know what utter wastes of oxygen they really are.

Twat, has taken to parking his car in the swimming pool car park, even though he lives the best part of a mile away, so that I never know if I can take the dc swimming or not, without trauma and tears. I have spent the last two trips checking over my shoulder to see if he is there or not.

His reason?...."because I fucking want to"

Doesn't THAT make him powerful and awesome? {rolls eyes}

So for the last hour stbxh has been banging on my door. Four phone calls. Eight texts. I WANT TO SEE MY KIDS. Four times I told him they're not here (for a wonder my parents have taken all three for the afternoon as they finally realised I needed a break). Eight times I text the same reply - my parents have taken them to the park and Mcds. His last text said he was calling the police as I'm refusing to let him see our DC. Can I just point out that contact is TOMORROW anyway, and he hasn't even confirmed..and they're really not here!!

I'm actually shaking at the thought of him phoning the police, even though I know I've done nothing wrong and it's probably an empty threat anyway. But still. He'd tell them he's convinced I'm lying about DC's being out and that he's a concerned daddy..blah blah blah..and even though if they turn up they'll see DC aren't here, he's so bloody manipulative I'll end up looking like the bad guy for not answering my door. He's successfully wrecked the first couple of hours I've had to myself in months. I wouldn't put it past him to have seen DC go out with my parents and deliberately set out to trash my afternoon.

You could call the police for his harrassment, Curt. So sorry that he's ruined your time to yourself. It's so not on.

Have to agree, you need to report this to the police. Do it now, so they can deal with it immediately.

Hi Alice

I've got good friends and my career, fitness and health are thriving. so basically every area other than my marriage is tickedy-boo.

I actually think I've gone off the idea of 'love', if you know what I mean. I think all you really need in life are good friends and basic physical needs met. Amirite? This is a recent revelation for me.

Curt phone the police. Life is too short for this bullshit. Be an adult and phone the police, I mean this in a matter-of-fact way. Good luck.

Thanks all. I called 101. They're not interested. My stbxh knocking on my door/texting/calling is not classed as harassment. In fact she asked why I didn't just answer the door to him in a way that made me feel about 2" tall. If he becomes destructive or verbally abusive I can call back for breach of the peace. Otherwise she pretty much told me it could've been avoided by answering the door.

He's gone now. I'm going to have a good cry before my DC get back at half past. This afternoon was supposed to be me recharging, god knows I need it. Instead I'm shaking with..anger maybe, or frustration..and close to tears.

Oh no. Curt Absolutely not. Ring them back and demand they send an officer out to speak to you. Or request a supervisor and make a complaint. THat is NOT on. I worked for the police in D&C and that absolutely should have gotten an officer to respond. The person at 101 is WRONG. And she certainly should not have told you just to answer the door - if you'd have done that and got assaulted by him, they would have been liable! PLEASE ring back and demand to speak to either a supervisor or a domestic abuse officer.

I think she asked why I hadn't answered the door in the first place, to accertain whether I was frightened for my safety. I answered that I just don't want to speak to him today as contact is tomorrow and DC aren't here. He wasn't being threatening or verbally abusive, he was just being annoying, all of which I said. I think that's why they decided not to send anyone at that time, plus he'd already left. She did say to call straight back if he returned in an aggressive manner, and they'd have someone out instantly.

I think they handled it ok in hindsight. DC are home now and my parents are staying for tea so if he does come back they'll be around.