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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Post dh affair: More shit to come?

302 replies

holdtight · 17/03/2014 20:41

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/03/2014 20:44

So, he is still lying.

It would be Game Over for me, sorry.

It doesn't matter that he hasn't shagged her again (yet) but that he is keeping up the contact, and the frisson of course, until the dust has settled and they can pick up where they left off.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2014 20:45

You are not a mug (yet). But you will be if you let this go.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 17/03/2014 20:45

Well, it sounds like the physical affair is on hold for now but id still class it as an emotional affair.

EirikurNoromaour · 17/03/2014 20:46

This means it's over, and I think you know that. He's hedging his bets and not even slightly committed to repairing the damage he caused.

Capitola · 17/03/2014 20:47

What AF said (as always).

JohnFarleysRuskin · 17/03/2014 20:48

I'd dump him. What a crying, lying self indulgent fuck.

Sorry op.

enlightenmequick · 17/03/2014 20:49

I don't think you are a mug, but I do think he is taking the piss.

Sorry.

I think I would want to sit on it to see where it goes, just so I'd have more ammunition. But I know really that it wouldn't matter, because he is showing that he isn't really sorry, tearful, remorseful at all and that would mean it was game over.

magoria · 17/03/2014 20:50

He took you for a mug.

He happily allowed you access to his home email and phone knowing he was talking to her via work email.

That is not respect.

That is not NC and working to get back your wife's trust.

That is deliberately done all the time he looks at you and lies to you that he is NC.

tribpot · 17/03/2014 20:50

It doesn't really matter what the content is (although it could be a lot worse, as you realise). He has point blank ASSURED you he was NC. So he has lied. Completely convincingly, to your face.

A Relate session sounds like a good place to confront this; it will be far harder for him to prevaricate/storm off/lie in front of someone else.

Frankly (and I appreciate this is not your main concern) it sounds like he's being very cruel to her. Why is he toying with her, and keeping her on a string? This seems like pure ego gratification for him, and never mind how it affects her - or you. Very much at odds with his apparent show of remorse and guilt.

Original poster

holdtight · 17/03/2014 20:52

Could he just be really thick though and have no idea of the damage he's causing to our reconciliation? On these threads you often see blokes who drop their AP like a hot brick upon discovery, and whilst this is what I'd want, perhaps he thinks he's doing the right thing. I know this sounds completely deluded.

OP posts:

enlightenmequick · 17/03/2014 20:52

I'd also be questioning what 'can't' means?

Because to me it means, I want to, but i'm not able to.

magoria · 17/03/2014 20:52

I bet if you kick him out that no to meeting her will become a yes. He is keeping her on the back burner.

meditrina · 17/03/2014 20:53

No, I don't think you are a mug for attempting a reconciliation. It's a hard and risky path. And unfortuately it involves someone who has betrayed you before, and who in this case has lied to you about going NC.

This means your reonciliation is false. What are you going to do now that you know this? More chances, and if so how many?

Or start planning a decisive searation?

tessa6 · 17/03/2014 20:54

I'm afraid this looks very bad, not because of the content of the emails so much as the gradual slipping back into a situation of compartmentalizing and lying to you.

There is an option of holding off and seeing what happens. But the emotional state you will get into will damage you and alert him and begin a whole new negative dynamic that will have its own consequences.

He almost certainly genuinely misses her and this is a way os alleviating his conscience about her, whilst also affirming how important he was and is to her and maintaining some sort of emotional control and link to her.

If I were you I would sit him down and talk to him about how in order to feel reassured you have to feel that he is being completely honest with you. Try and be as calm as possible. Tell him about your 'niggling feeling' maybe even descry why and how it started. Then take the conversation, is as non blaming a way as possible on to asking him what the nature of their contact/relationship is now. If, within this context, he still lies to you, I'm afraid there is no hope, not because he necessarily will sleep with OW again, but because he cannot own up to the truth about HIMSELF to you and so you will never be a hundred percent sure who he is and what he's doing.

The important factor here is to try and avoid rage or despair in the conversation, as he will use those as excuses NOT to tell you the truth, because he is afraid or you seem hurt/irrational. If you can bear to, have the conversation sober and calmly and you will know whether you are reconnecting or he is not worthy of this second (third?) chance.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 17/03/2014 20:54

For the past four months, while pretending he's 'trying to make it work' he's been mooning over her and lying to you.

Op he's treating you like an idiot. You must see that.

MrsAnonymousYummyMummy · 17/03/2014 20:55

It sounds like to me as if he is keeping an option open with her just in case things don't work with you?

enlightenmequick · 17/03/2014 20:55

He's telling you he is nc, letting you check all means of communication, except the one that he is using to speak to her.

I wouldn't call that thick. I'd call it lying, deceitful, manipulation.

He's not worthy of you, or the 2nd chance you were prepared to give him.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2014 20:56

The shit never really went away, did it ?

he has been lying all the way along, and simply has no stopped doing so

nobody is that stupid, he is enjoying keeping you both on a string

don't let him do that

kick him out and watch him go to her

you might as well save yourself from having to watch it happen (who could do that ?)

tessa6 · 17/03/2014 20:57

It is still an affair, by the way. The nature of the correspondence and the fact he is deliberately hiding it from you indicates that. You are well within your rights to walk out.

Phalenopsis · 17/03/2014 20:57

More shit to come?
Based on what I know from real life and from reading the threads on here, I wouldn't be surprised. Sorry.

Could he just be really thick though and have no idea of the damage he's causing to our reconciliation?
Nope, he's not thick. Selfish, irresponsible, hurtful etc, but not 'thick'. He knows exactly what he's doing.

He has to leave now, surely?

Only1scoop · 17/03/2014 20:57

The 'can't' would enrage me.

He is still lying.

Sorry to hear this after putting in the work with Relate.

tessa6 · 17/03/2014 20:58

I mean, or kick him out! Obviously…

Northernlurker · 17/03/2014 20:59

You're not a mug but he isn't being honest with you or indeed with himself. I think his problem is he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants his wife, his kids AND his lover.
Are you going to put up with that? I'm pretty sure his enthusiasm for this wouldn't stretch to YOU having a lover too. Do you actually want to end the marriage though?

Christmascandles · 17/03/2014 21:00

Oh isn't he an idiot. He just doesn't get it, does he, in spite of all the remorse etc. he's still lying to you.

The ONLY way to move forward from this is if he is totally honest, open and transparent. NC should mean exactly that. I can imagine how you are feeling, it's almost like finding out all over again isn't it....

He's obviously feeling very entitled and thinks you'll never find out. I would imagine its only a matter of time before they meet for coffee, at a hotel, of course...

Send the emails to yourself, delete from sent folder and ask him why he is still in contact with ow. And wait for the crocodile tears.

Would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

Optimist1 · 17/03/2014 21:00

He's indulging himself as a star-crossed lover. You need to give him a better appreciation of what that role entails. So sorry he's been half-hearted in his attempts to mend things in your relationship.

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