Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

So are you going to sit in counselling with him saying how much he wants to make it work knowing that he's still in contact with the OW?

It makes a mockery of everything you want, the counselling and everything he's promised you. As none of it is true.

Good point pobble.

The other hard fact to deal with is that most errant husbands only want you back because they don't want to "lose" their kids. It's not generally because they have a desire to be with you and you alone as if they did they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. They will never admit that. This is also a hard thing to come to terms with

Sadly I think this is all too true.

The wife is seen as part of the family package and not a person in her own right, so he'll make the big sacrifice and pat himself on the back for it and stay in the family, probably pining after the mistress, at least for a time.

It's the shittest of shit situations. Compounded, I would think, by the fact that he can't or won't cut contact with this woman.

Very true words there. OP, I hope you do not swallow this. Value yourself more, certainly more than he does.

Just to clarify, I did not say he was doing an honourable thing (!) just saying that he might THINK that he us ( wrongly).

And I agree he is choosing to hurt you, rather than her.

So bring it out in the open.

Though he may well get a cheap pre paid phone and continue secret contact with her that way.

Clearly he believes that shat you don't know won't hurt you, now THIS is something you need to talk about.

You have give him more than enough chances. From my experience he won't be able to give her up. He has found a way to stay in contact for his emotional affair. He is addicted to her and is thinking about her all the time. Sorry.

Whatever you decide on will set the tone for the rest of your life and whilst its understandable you want to save your marriage your husband isnt as committed to it as you are.

I know that right now I'd be saying we are separating as we need breathing space, and when I did seperate I would tell the other woman so she fully knows whats going on and you can't be used as an excuse by your husband to string her along and get kicks out of manipulative emails.

Hang on a minute, let's not project too much. The problem here is that he is is in contact with her and has lied about that, for whatever reason. We can't say for sure what he is thinking about. I think it is painful enough, and also clear enough, for OP to have to act on this information without emotional supposition. I think ignoring it is a grave error that will lead to an erosion of self-esteem, trust and any hopes for the relationship OP deserves. But diluting this with claims about what he is definitely doing or feeling might be erroneous and make it easier for the OP to dismiss what we're saying.

Yes, horrifically painful as it s, partners do often stay for 'the family' which includes the DW obviously. But they need to relearn how to love and respect the partner and this means being completely honest, even when they fear that might cause trouble. Like now.

OP how are you feeling today.

I hope we haven't frightened you off.

OP, I'm going go against the grain here and suggest that you should not be swayed by the overwhelming MN chorus of LTB. I am sure that finding out that he has been lying again has been intensely painful for you and is causing you to question whether you want to continue your attempts at reconciliation, but that is something that only you, knowing yourself and your DH, can decide.

I discovered my DH's 4 month affair days before Christmas and we have not separated. Although I am in the same boat as you, I do not yet know how things will turn out.

My feeling is that many men who have affairs can only justify embarking on them to themselves because they are lacking in empathy, selfish and probably have other narcissistic tendencies too. They are more focussed on themselves than they should be and that doesn't end abruptly with the discovery of an affair.

In order to conduct the affair they must become accomplished liars, again that is a hard habit to break instantly.

If a man falls deeply in love with the OW then the ending of the affair will inevitably be very painful for him, and he will probably continue to care very deeply for her and worry about how she is doing. Of course if he wishes to save his marriage he must do his best to shelve those feelings and focus on his wife, her hurt and her anger. But it seems to me that reconciliation requires honesty from both parties about their feelings and that may mean the wife accepting that he misses the OW.

So my suggestion is that you should tell him that you have discovered these emails and ask him to be honest about how he feels about her. Without knowing that I do not think you have the information you need to decide whether you want to continue to try to reconcile. Personally I would not want to do this in the presence of a counsellor.

You already know that he is a liar and a cheat. Also that you can never trust him completely again. Whether his other qualities make it worth continuing to try again is a question only you can answer.

I think there's a lot in what you say, AnonyMuse, but I wonder why you wouldn't want to discuss that in front of a counsellor? The whole purpose of the counselling is to repair the marriage, so this is kind of pertinent.

you should not be swayed by the overwhelming MN chorus of LTB

Overwhelming chorus? Really?

There has been no chorus of LTB. Ultimately everyone has to decide where their level is.

The fact that the affair was discovered rather than confessed is another thing OP had to consider.

It didn't end because he decided he loved his wife too much or because he had too much respect for her or because he'd made a massive mistake. It ended because he was caught out shagging someone else. Someone he's still in touch with.

There's sorry and then there's sorry you were caught.

How can counselling continue without addressing it either at the beginning of the next session or before it? Otherwise it makes a mockery of it

I haven't said LTB.

There hasn't been an "overwhelming chorus" of LTB.

Op has been left in no doubt that her husband is doing her wrong, but there haven't been very many calls of LTB at all

Agree with AF, majority of us have shared our experiences, or wondered how she would be able to trust him after finding he's still lying to her despite his apparent desire to 'save his marriage'. Personally I'd never believe another word that came out of his mouth. If she wants to be with him at all costs then nothing any of us say will change her mind.

Asking him any questions at all may not elicit the truth. He's quite adroit with 'slight of hand' isn't he? If you ask how he feels about the OW, how would you know what he says in answer will be the truth?

I don't know whether showing the e-mails to the counsellor will help or not. I wouldn't do it because I can't see how a few seconds reading will prompt anything from the counsellor other than, "So do you want to explain this/these/how you feel about her/your wife's reaction?". I probably wouldn't be able to come up with an explanation on the spot, truth or lie.

AF: OK, I admit, you haven't precisely said LTB but you have said "It would be Game Over for me" and "Kick him out and watch him go to her", which to my mind amounts to much the same thing. Any many other posters have said very similar things (particularly in the first few pages of this thread). Being in a similar position myself, I am guessing that those may be the posts which will be causing OP the most disquiet.

Personally I cannot see how such decisive, knee-jerk advice from people who don't know the OP or her husband can be helpful....

Surely it's not the posts which are causing the most disquiet but the fact that the husband is continuing to behave like a shit.

The op is here asking for opinions. My opinion - and the opinion of many is that he is treating her awfully and I wouldn't put up with it.

What would you prefer posters said? That you think underneath all this is a very nice man?

We can only react to what OP puts on here. Any "disquiet" is caused by her lying husband, not by posters giving her their personal opinion which has been sought out by OP.

Anony the disquiet is probably caused by reading in black and white what you know most sensible people would think, what you thought you yourself would think before it happened to you.

It can't be pleasant reading for any person who has chosen to stay with a faithless spouse. But people can't and shouldn't change their advice and opinions to just be 'supportive'.

Support comes in many forms and sometimes it's not what you want to hear. That doesn't mean it isn't what you need to hear.

So sorry for you that you have to go through this heartache.

He betrayed you and now he's lying, which basically means whatever he says or does you cannot trust him... That's no basis for a healthy relationship, BUT, it is up to you. If your relationship is worth fighting for then do it.

I wouldn't wish divorce or separation on my worst enemy and sometimes our reactions are knee-jerk reactions that come out of anger and hurt. Maybe distance is what's needed.

It's not about being a 'mug', it's about making choices that suit you and your children in the long run.

I think we know what he will say if he is confronted in counselling with the emails

He will say

" OW was very upset, I was scared she would do something thing silly, I just wanted to check she was ok . She has had such a hard time recently because of x. She is especially vulnerable because of y. My wife is such a kind and caring person, I knew she would understand that I just wanted to check that OW was ok. I knew that wife wouldn't want it on her conscience if OW did anything silly "

" it didn't mean anything at all, I knew wife would understand and didn't what to upset her by mentioning it. I am totally committed to by marriage and my kids "

My ex was everything you describe your H being, I also said no contact, 8 months later, he left me.

Your DH is staying with what is safe until what is brand new has been secured.

Sorry sweet, he cant help himself, if he was sorry, he would close that chapter for good.

The point is anony that once they lie more than once there becomes almost no point in discussing anything because you just don't know if they are telling the truth. My comments come from personal experience, as do many others on here. Maybe your situation is different. I hoped mine was. Statistically though is someone who has already been caught out lying twice likely to become suddenly honest? I doubt it.

He didn't care while having the affair and doesn't care now

Just find ways of contacting her behind your back, time to say bye bye or he will ruin your life and chance of total happiness