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Original poster

Post dh affair: More shit to come?

302 replies

holdtight · 17/03/2014 20:41

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/03/2014 21:01

He's been lying to you all along.

He's still having an affair, they may not be sleeping together but they are emotionally involved. He still wants to see her.

Sorry OP but you deserve a lot better.

tessa6 · 17/03/2014 21:01

the other thing, Op, is you really MUST stop making excuses for him in your head. You are pushing your bottom line further and further down. There is NO excuse for the continued contact, the lying to you or the affair in the first place. You have to let HIM take responsibility for all of this and understand that he is still taking you completely for granted, as he did when having the affair, and does not REALLY believe he will lose you.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2014 21:01

The thing is that when people have an affair, it's often not just about sex; they actually care about the person.

This isn't always the case and sometimes the shock of being found out means that they drop the other person like a hot coal, but other times they aren't shocked enough.

Did he always know, do you think, that you would have him back? Did you actually kick him out and make him wait years before having him back? It doesn't sound like it.

After years of infidelity from my then husband, I remember going through the bank details - he asked me why I was doing it and I said I wanted to work out what he would need to pay me so that I could manage. Now he'd been told he had to go. He'd had a look around at houses to buy. He'd accepted it all, or so I thought. But that day he looked at me and I realised he hadn't thought I'd meant it. He'd thought this was a ritual we had to go through to punish him and make me feel in control.

Do you think something like that might be going on?

BeforeAndAfter · 17/03/2014 21:01

This is exactly what my ex did to me. Except he had opened a new e-mail account just for their sole use. My radar was going like the clappers and as he is a creature of habit I went through every e-mail provider I could think of, plugged in his user name and password et voila, I found it. It was all there, their unfolding love affair. I walked out that day and never looked back. That was after he told me I was his soul mate, best friend and he couldn't imagine life without me. All a pack of lies.

OW is doing the pick me dance and your H is hedging his bets.

Tell him to leave. You will never trust him again. Trust me on that.

talullah57 · 17/03/2014 21:04

He's an arse. Good riddance!

ThePinkOcelot · 17/03/2014 21:05

Sorry OP. To me, the can't sounds like he would if he could but he's been grounded! Meaning, he really wants to.
He's still lying to you. He's still being a shit!

tessa6 · 17/03/2014 21:06

Oh and I agree with whoever above said it was cruel to OW. You have to stop thinking he is a 'good guy' who 'feels sorry for her'. Anyone with any kindness and wisdom understands that the kindest thing he could do is cut her free to meet someone unmarried! Actually, maintaining contact and intimacy is a brutal and stupid way of maintaining control over her and feeding his lust for attention and affection. There is no gentlemanliness in this, OP, to either party.

ALittleStranger · 17/03/2014 21:10

Why are you calling it an alleged affair OP?

Original poster
holdtight · 17/03/2014 21:10

Thanks for all your input. No, Northernlurker, I don't want the marriage to end and he has been putting in great efforts to try and make it up to me, we were emerging stronger. I have also shown him the door on more than one occasion over the last few months and he has begged to stay, so he has been free to go to ow if that's what he had wanted but chose not to. That's why I just can't understand this contact. There are large gaps in-between communication, it's not every day and not only instigated by him. She sent one asking how he can just cut her off after everything he said (??) and he replied he wants to stop contact to work on his marriage but is finding it difficult to stop and 'can't', then falls back into regular emailing. I'm not blaming ow, just saying it's not ALL him.

OP posts:
Original poster
holdtight · 17/03/2014 21:11

Alleged 6 moths ALittleStranger. I think longer.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 17/03/2014 21:13

Then you're probably right and it was longer. Stop doubting your instincts. I think you're giving him too much wiggle room and he's running a muck with it. You don't need pages and pages of chronological "proof", you know his behaviour is unacceptable and has been for a bloody long time. He has to fully recognise likewise if it stands a chance of being salvageable.

Only1scoop · 17/03/2014 21:14

With respect to your counselling its only worth pursuing with his complete honesty. He needs to be onboard.

I think it's very cruel of him to do this.

Stockhausen · 17/03/2014 21:15

He's lying. He's a liar. He's taking you for a fool. End it, and keep copies of the emails for your lawyer.

enlightenmequick · 17/03/2014 21:17

I'm pretty sure he has not been putting in great effort to make it up to you.

In light of the new evidence, I would say he has been doing just enough to keep you sweet. Sad

Even if you want your marriage to work, I would suggest the only way now is to throw him out and not give in to the begging. And then work from there.

PoppyField · 17/03/2014 21:18

Hi OP,
Sorry you are going through this.

It's this bit that shows him a major hole in your armour...

I have also shown him the door on more than one occasion over the last few months and he has begged to stay, so he has been free to go to ow if that's what he had wanted but chose not to.

He has 'chosen not to' because he wants his cake and eat it. He has chosen not to because he wants what he was trying to get all along i.e. nice family life, wife taking care of him, 3 lovely kids - whilst shitting all over them with a bit on the side, with all the accompanying ego-boost, illicit thrills and extra frisson that it provides.

Don't just 'show him' the door. Boot him through it. At the very least he needs to know you are serious.

Don't make excuses for him. Don't get caught in the 'pick me!' game. Show him that you won't take this from him. Tears are not enough. Get tough, you deserve so much more.

Northernlurker · 17/03/2014 21:18

I think it IS cruel but I think that he and the OW are also probably very unhappy and missing each other. That's what happens when you make bad choices of course.
The thing is - the OP doesn't want this marriage to end. I think she is being very generous in spirit about this and I don't want to see her get further kicked in the guts. Hmmmmm.

OP - you need to tell him you've seen the e-mails. I think he needs to move out for a while whilst you both get headspace to think about what you want and I think you possibly need to accept that IF you can put this back together again it may be with you never fully trusting him and with him missing somebody he cares about very much. It's a huge ask for both of you. Take time and see what you want. I think it can be done but I know I couldn't and wouldn't do it.

tribpot · 17/03/2014 21:18

He may feel there's nothing wrong with what he's doing, that he feels sorry for her, etc. But no doubt he didn't think there was anything wrong with the things they did in the early stages of their affair - emailing too much, texting, having lunch just the two of them, whatever it was that led them down the path.

Do you feel he has examined his behaviour and truly understands how wrong it all was? Is this being covered in your Relate sessions? You know the saying about those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat it?

You're in shock, but don't make decisions out of fear.

Teeb · 17/03/2014 21:20

He isn't thick, he's acted in a very calm calculated way going behind your back in this way and continuously lying to your face. The marriage you thought you had is no longer there op, it's gone. This is the marriage you have now, with a liar and a cheat. If you are on board with that, it's your call, but know now that it won't change and he might just decide he will up and leave one day.

So is this marriage the one you want?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 17/03/2014 21:20

He doesn't want one woman, he wants two. Until another one catches his eye.

Phalenopsis · 17/03/2014 21:20

That's why I just can't understand this contact

He wants his cake...

I have also shown him the door on more than one occasion over the last few months and he has begged to stay, so he has been free to go to ow if that's what he had wanted but chose not to

Because he knows he can get away with all this.

Time to stand firm OP. He's treating you appallingly.

magoria · 17/03/2014 21:24

You thought you were emerging stronger. How can this be true when he is doing nothing but lying and deceiving you? Where is the stronger in that?

EirikurNoromaour · 17/03/2014 21:24

It doesn't matter whether she's instigating the contact, he's responding, and with all the 'I can't :(' bullshit. That clearly tells you what he wants to be doing. Sorry :(

JohnFarleysRuskin · 17/03/2014 21:26

Surely you must be enraged that he is pretending to be honest with you - full access to all his emails etc - and yet is still sneaking around behind your back?

I would be incandescent with fury. Really.

CrispyHedgeHog · 17/03/2014 21:36

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP. It's shitter than shit.

My exp had an affair with a work colleague, I took him back, had access to everything just like you do and one day I had a niggle and looked at his work account and he'd been messaging OW with the exact same shite as yours is doing. We limped on for about 6 more months but tbh the trust was completely gone and we split up after that.

I really think you have to cut your losses and accept it's over, unless he does something really drastic because he probably misses the romance/ego stroking/star crossed lovers feelings that they had, same as my ex did.

Oh and guess what? he has a new dp now but he's sending me emails and texts saying that he misses me and he doesn't feel the same about her as he does about me, exactly as he sent to OW when he was with me.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2014 21:57

Yes, Crispy, my ex did that, too. I rang him once and said "I've got something to ask you" and he whispered (because the OW was in his house with him) "Do you want me back?"

Have to say I said, "Oh Christ, no, I just wondered if you'd have the kids overnight on Saturday as I'm going out."

It was the way his voice dropped, that showed me how he'd actually been when I was living with him, phoning on the sly, having secrets. Ugh.

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