Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

holdtight... If it were you who'd had the affair and were being given a second chance to make your marriage work, what would you be doing? Would you be contacting the OM under any circumstances at all, when you'd promised that you wouldn't?

It isn't easy to leave a marriage, from a purely financial point of view - double bills, find somewhere else to live, work out contact arrangements for children.

If he were invested in your marriage he wouldn't be in contact with the OW at all.

he has had his opportunity and chose to invest in our marriage

But he hasn't invested in it has he? All the time you thought he was working on rebuilding your relationship he was emailing the ow. It doesn't matter that it was periodic, it was happening and he is still thinking about her.

I understand this must be a massive shock to you. It would be better to raise this in a safe environment such as your counselling sessions so you get straight answers.

But you need to ask yourself if there is something to be rebuilt after he has lied to you and indulged in an emotional affair whilst promising to you to work things out. Very sorry you are going through this.

Please think about it. If you had succumbed to having an affair and your Dh had found out, and you were totally sorry, remorseful and scared shitless about losing him, would you really resume emailing him behind your Dh's back........almost straight away?

I'd be jumping through fire hoops and agreeing to every reasonable request he asked.

He lied to you.
He is still lying to you.
How can you trust anything that comes out of his mouth?
My apologies if that sounds harsh but I know I never could.
I'd also agree with other posters that when you 'showed him the door', he didn't go because it's easier to stay.

I wish I could say differently because I really do remember how it feels but:

he has had his opportunity and chose to invest in our marriage

He really isn't.

OP, not one poster has said there is hope for your marriage while he continues to lie to you

I know AF but maybe when he stops lying!!!

Why will he stop if you tolerate it ?

Why will he stop when you are bending over backwards to minimise and explain away his shitty behaviour

he doesn't even have to make up an excuse for his lies...you are handing it to him on a plate

I wish there was a formula for self esteem. I wish every child, girl, woman had been given it.

I'm not high on it in some ways myself, but I would be - WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TO TREAT ME SO BADLY'! My rage would be off the scale. It wouldn't be because he had, had an affair, it would be because I had taken the decision to try to forgive him and work it out and he had decided to walk his big black boots all over that kindness.

Fuck that.

You are better than him, he doesn't deserve you.

Just for arguments sake lets say tomorrow he sits there and you confront him about these messages. And also for arguments sake he tells you how very sorry he is & promises not to do it again. Will you be happy? Will you trust him? Will you feel secure in your marriage? I ask you this because I was you seven years ago & it nearly destroyed me. Every time he swore blind (even on the children's lives) that it was over. It wasn't. He had hidden phones, different email addresses. You have given him a second chance & he blew it. Dont give him a third, fourth, fifth...I did & it made me ill.

Sounds like you need to make a plan and keep collecting the evidence

For what it's worth he's hedging his bets

That's not love at all n you deserve better

My stbxh had an EA shortly after our DD1 was born, and insisted he had to take the OW out for drinks to call it off because he 'thought a lot of her and she didn't deserve to be hurt..' No matter that it hurt me to imagine the scene..just further insult to injury. That's what your DH's emails are. As if he hasn't done enough damage, here's a kick in the teeth.
It sounds to me like your DH feels bad for dropping her and is trying to ease her feelings..whilst stomping all over yours. What does that tell you?
Took me another 3 years and a hell of a lot of heartache before I built up the courage to walk away...

I know AF but maybe when he stops lying!

holdtight how would you ever know the difference now? How could you ever trust another word that comes out of his mouth to be true when he's lied so successfully to you already?

AF makes a really good point above about why on earth should he stop lying when you are doing all the work for him. You are dealing with anxiety and the upset at having seen the emails, not him. You are dealing with the pain at feeling him lie to you, not him. You are making up all the reasons and explanations on his behalf for doing what he swore he wouldn't. His life iS BRILLIANT in comparison to yours, OP. I would take it like a shot.

You are seriously considering finding excuses for him yourself, and not even confronting him about the emails or even confronting him that you think he is lying to you about NC in order to what? Keep the peace? What a lucky, lucky man.

Think about that for a moment. Why on EARTH would he stop lying, or even stop contact with her when you are prepared to accept it? Not just accept it but facilitate it by not even telling him you know. You HAVE to find out what your bottom line is, lovely. I'm sorry for the harshness. But what would you have said you bottom line was back in November? 'If he ever contacts her again….?' And now what? 'If he ever lies to my face again….' (tick, done). So what now? 'If he meets up with her behind my back…?' (how would you know). 'If he sleeps with her..?' (Again, how could you be sure?)

This is brutal stuff, and I'm am sorry, i Do know your pain. But it's such a slippery slope and so soon we lose our sense of self. It can be such a relief to just feel on an even keel.

What's your bottom line now, OP? Why bother having one if what you want is to stay with him whatever? Why not just be honest about that and allow him to have other affairs during or after you 'rebuild'?

and he has been putting in great efforts to try and make it up to me

When he's not contacting the OW behind your back, that is.

Holdtight all this talk of effort and 'when he stops lying' makes me so sad for you.

Why do you think you're worth so little?

OP, you'll never be able to believe him.

I even doubted he was telling the truth if he said he had a headache or whatever in the end.. thought he was just saying it for attention or sympathy, if he said there were tube delays etc. I questioned everything maybe not verbally but in my head and it was hellish to live like that. Every day wondering if he's having regrets about staying with me, missing her etc etc etc.

You can't live like that.

You said in your post that you had 'reservations' and a 'niggling feeling' ..you were already unsure if you fully believed him and could trust him at his word. Now imagine doing that for the next three years, tying yourself in knots trying to be the best wife ever so he wouldn't want to stray again, trying so hard and wanting to trust so badly, but something holding you back from being able to fully do that. It's no way to live.

Something else OP, I don't think you've mentioned but how are you emotionally? You seem to be talking about it all in a very matter of fact manner but I was a seething mass under the surface, just wondering if you're the same?

Other posters are speaking a lot of sense, AF and izzy who I don't think posts anymore were super helpful when I discovered my xp's affair 3 years ago.

You will be able to believe anything he tells you again.

What tessa6 said.

Whatever he is saying, the counselling, the promises. It means nothing as he's still contacting the ow.

How will you know when he stops lying? Are you going to spend the next 5-10 years waiting? Hoping? It's somehow ok because he makes promises to you?

What's your bottom line now, OP? Why bother having one if what you want is to stay with him whatever?

Why on EARTH would he stop lying, or even stop contact with her when you are prepared to accept it? Not just accept it but facilitate it by not even telling him you know

This and this.

Just dropping in to tell you I paid a high price for doing what you're doing now OP.

He couldn't resist keeping in touch to check that she is all right - ie missing him. Sorry OP. All the time you were thinking the worst is over, clean slate and fresh start he's been checking to see she is still within his reach.

Let him go. Leave the bastard. Dump the fucker. He doesn't respect you one iota.

I have never shouted at my computer screen before this thread (apart from when it crashes)