Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

Please, OP, unless you get rid, you've got shitloads of more shit to come

(if only on this thread apparently…!?)

Seriously though, OP, I know it's become a bit of a pile on. Don't be disillusioned about coming back.

You've asked for advice and you have it.

About as unanimous as you will ever see here!

You will be checking his email for the rest of your life. You'll never ever be able to believe anything he tells you because he lied, he lies, and he will always lie...because you accept it and what's worse you make excuses for it. There are none.
He's contacting her because once he has you back where he wants you he'll start fucking her again...or at the very least he needs the ego boost of believing he could fuck her again if he wanted too. He cares more about the boost to his ego than you. It doesn't matter one not what he SAYS...it's what he does that matters.
Stop valuing yourself so little.

I agree the consensus seems to be "leave him", but as we all know that it something easier said than done and it often takes an amount of time unique to the individual, to reach a place of acceptance where you can then move on.

holdtight - I think you need to work out how you imagine things will progress in the long-term. Will you ever be able to trust him again now he has lied for the second time, and is this a situation you can live with? It is pointless to speculate exactly why he is still communicating with her. It could be simply to boost his self-esteem, it could be to keep her hanging on in hopes of a future reconciliation...

The main issue here is that his continued dishonesty shows that he is not as invested in saving the marriage as you are, and even if the OW was not there - it possibly wouldn't make a difference. I think she may be a symptom rather than a cause.

Your next step should be to confront him in an appropriate setting, though it's now likely any answers he gives you won't be truthful. He has to really want to change and save the marriage. Unless he shows you he can (and he really isn't at the moment) you have to decide whether you are willing to risk your emotional wellbeing living with him as he is, or not.

MN always says LTB

But that is your decision and yours alone.

FWIW, I think that your DH thinks he is being honourable by telling the other woman he can't see her.

He has chosen for you and his family. He does not suddenly hate her.

The question is if you can bear the fact he is still in live with her too and sad about not seeing her.

That is hard to take.

Be kind to yourself and look after yourself OP, whatever you decide.

MN is not always the best place for a balanced view as people project feelings based on their own experiences, which is normal I guess.

Stay strong, be yourself and listen very carefully to your own feelings.

The situation to me sounds as if he is working through his guilt albeit not appropriately. He probably still has feelings for her and is trying to be there emotionally for her as they both deal with the fallout. This contact may be coming from a good place with no intention of reconciliation but because he feels dreadful.

I think it would be wise to wait until your next counselling session and then expose the continued contact during that. I think exploring it during this time is more likely to have the outcome of understanding his true motivation. Print it off and take it with you.

Take some time out and away from the marriage if you can you get some perspective afterwards and figure out how you want to move forward.

If the OPs DH has such a good, valid and honourable reason for still keeping in contact with the OP, why doesn't he just tell his wife this?

" I know you want me to go NC with OW but I've decided I still want to keep in touch with her because I don't want to hurt her but I don't mind hurting you /I want to make sure she's kept on the back burner just in case it doesn't work out with us/ I want to see her again once things are back to normal here "

What reason would be good enough?

Unless you are 12 emotionally though, you would realise that chosing to do the honourable thing by ow, would mean you are in fact dishonouring your DW.

He may have chosen his DW and dc's in body, but he his showing his feelings are with ow.

I don't think many posters have actually said LTB, the unanimous rhetoric is that this will not work if he is lying and in contact with ow.

I have said already, I think he needs to be
kicked out and then the op can work from there.

This is not my projection, as I wouldn't forgive an affair in the first place. Fortunately for me, I have my mum as a role model and my dad was out on his ear within 2 days of admitting a ONS, and it took 2 days only because he threatened to kill himself.

If I was op my next move would be to give him enough rope at the next relate session and see if he hangs himself.

MN is not always the best place for a balanced view as people project feelings based on their own experiences, which is normal I guess.

I have read this or a variation on the theme a lot lately.

It is true. I look at my own experience and expectations of what makes a marriage and think, if I were OP what's the least I'd hope for after three DCs together, unknown months of H shagging away from home, our marriage in tatters and me trying to give him another chance whilst he never fully explained why he went off the rails and now despite saying the right stuff, has not gone nc?

Too right I bring my own views. I don't think OP deserves a truthful faithful partner any less than I do.

Fiscal, there is nothing honourable about this man continuing contact with the ow behind his wife's back, he has already told her it's over, what is honourable about continuing to chat with her? Nothing.
One of the things I understood the least about my XH's ow was the way she couldn't comprehend that choosing to stay with the wife means no more 'friendship' with her. It was bizarre. This 40something woman was sending bleating, pleading texts about how he abandoned her and how he had promised he would be her friend and how he let her down. He responded for several weeks because he felt guilty. There was nothing honourable in that, not to her or to me. It was gutless and self serving behaviour on his part and only served to highlight how little he was committed to me.

But it's NOT the honorable thing to do by the OW! One would have to be really myopic and selfish to think that. The really honorable thing is to let her get on with her life, not emotionally tied to an unavailable man because of his 'needs' or ego.

Op is there any way maybe of printing out those emails and taking them along to your next session where you can confront him in a controlled environment? Get it all out and attempt to sort out without the huge row first type if thing.

You won't be able to ignore it as it'll eat away at you and catching him on the hop in front of people may be a good thing.

You're obviously not ready to get rid but you can't Bury your head in the sand either.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

My stbxh wanted to do 'the honourable thing' by the other woman, which ultimately meant hurting me more. There's nothing honourable about further hurting a partner you've already hurt. It's nothing more than self serving bollocks.
I think the majority of us haven't said LTB, most have simply given a view of how continuing the marriage might pan out. After he's lied to OP so successfully, how on earth could she ever hope to know what's a lie and what's the truth?

Some people just don't like hurting others but then spend their life doing just that. He probably doesn't mean to hurt you and doesn't want to hurt her hence the contact. He is now hurting both of you.

For me, it is clear that you deep down don't want to split up from him and are almost prepared to accept anything to stop this happening. If that is the case then there is no point watching it to see how it goes. It will just carry on and will eat away at you. You might as well just confront him.

He obviously had feeling for her and it's hard when you split up with someone you have feelings for, even if you shouldn't have had them in the first place! This doesn't make it easy for you.

Splitting is not as bad as you may think but It does affect kids and as stories on here will tell you, it doesn't always lead to a better life.

It's your choice but clearly your marriage will never be the same again whatever you do. The person you thought was your loyal and trustworthy husband and friend has been exposed as a cheat and a liar. Only you can decide if you want to be married to a cheat and a liar. If you do then you have to give him one last ultimatum and go back to the very start of the recovery process.

Good luck with it!

The other hard fact to deal with is that most errant husbands only want you back because they don't want to "lose" their kids. It's not generally because they have a desire to be with you and you alone as if they did they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. They will never admit that. This is also a hard thing to come to terms with.

I've been thinking about this 'honourable' thing whilst preparing for school run.

Let's say, he feels bad/sorry for the ow. Let's say he feels he needs to do the honourable thing and let her down gently (I'm not convinced by the way, I personally think he is doing it to keep her sweet too)

I'd want to know if he thinks that having a relationship with someone for allegedly 6 months and then getting dumped is considerably more painful than being with someone for x amount of years, walking down the aisle, having 3 kids with them and then being lied to, cheated on and betrayed.

I think I already know why he thinks she is worse off.

Because you see, you won. You get to keep him, she doesn't, therefore she is more deserving of his sympathy.

Hi op, I have only skimmed the last page of posts so don't know if anyone has said this.....

If I were you I would print out the emails and take them to relate with you, bring up his continued communication with the ow there. The counsellor should help to support you (and him) by not letting him wriggle out and minimise this.

You can decide what to do afterwards.

Good luck and do the right thing by you.

Yep, it's all about his ego

It always was

The little people getting hurt as he "finds himself" (either during the time he is in another woman's knickers or in the aftermath) count for nothing at all, except how they relate to him

It doesn't actually matter what his reasons for maintaining contact with OW are.

What matters is that he told you he wanted no contact and he agreed a more honest relationship, and to work with you at Relate. So what does he do? He sits in a counselling session with you and lies to your face. Even if it is not discussed directly, it is still a lie.

Can you see that if you continue counselling with him and pretend not to know, then you would both be dishonest and game playing in the relationship? Don't do that to yourself.

I am afraid I am with anyfucker on this.....
It's obvious how much you love him and value your family but your husband doesn't. For all the promises to repair your marriage and go nc he has disrespected you and trust me those emails are NOT just a welfare check. He loves her.
Please get some self respect. Why would you not ask him about them?
I honestly think you will continue to bury your head in the sand though..... Until you are back when it goes tits up

I get so tried of reading about the " feelings " of unfaithful partners. No one is criticising anyone for being attracted to someone at work /socially when they are in a committed partnership. You can't help feeling attracted to someone who is not your partner.

What you can bloody control is you actions. No one goes from being attracted to a colleague to immediately having an affair. There is a long process of flirtation, lunches, drink after work etc. they nurture and develop their relationship,keeping it secret, confiding in each other. They pretend they are doing nothing wrong , because it's not physical. They are just friends. He is supporting her through a Difficult time. His wife doesn't understand him etc etc .

Then they arrange to go away for a night or a weekend, or to her flat , have a drink and they, hey presto , guess what,they end up in bed together, well what a suprise! And it wasn't even planned, it just happened, they were at the mercy of their feelings, helpless victims ...

It's the sheer bloody arrogance, the assumption that those of us who chose not to cheat on our partners have just never been tempted. Maybe we are less sensitive or loving people . Maybe we are less attractive. Or maybe we just make different choices. Maybe we chose to walk away from a friendship that threatens our marriage. Or we have the guts to end one before starting another .

Bloody cake eaters

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and read the chapter about ambivalence.

In your situation, the only thing that might work is loss. Loss is usually what motivate cheaters - he needs to feel the cold hard reality of his actions, away from his family and home comforts. As it is he isn't feeling the consequences of his selfishness or understanding your pain and is choosing to put his own needs first.

Ask him to go away for a few days so that you can process your thoughts and decide what you want to do given his recent actions which smack of lack of openness and honesty.

He has chosen for you and his family

No he hasn't. He is with the op & their family, but his continued contact with the OW says that he hasn't chosen op at all & probably cannot make that choice!

OP made no contact with op a condition of them trying again. Doesn't she deserve that respect?

I agree he did not choose OP and family.

He chose HIMSELF.

HIM.

Not Op or his DC.