Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

Poor, poor holdtight. I'm so sorry to hear its turned out like this.

Please do your best to recognise that you are the one holding all the cards now, that you are the one with the power to choose. Your husband made the choice to embark on an affair, gave himself the permission to become emotionally and physically involved with another woman, to betray you and to deceive you. Yes he then chose you (probably as part of the package including your home life and your DC, as I suspect my husband did) over the OW, but he then chose to betray you further by ignoring your insistence that he went NC and then chose to lie to you some more. But the boot is (or at least should be) now on the other foot.

In your earlier posts you seemed very anxious not to do anything to rock the boat or which might precipitate a split. Perhaps you were fearful that this might drive him back into her arms? Have these most recent revelation have changed your feelings in that regard?

Please think about whether you want to remain married to him unless he can recognise how intensely selfish and self-absorbed he has been, make a firm resolution to change and stick to it.

I too am a recently betrayed wife attempting to make a go of my marriage. My husband is under no illusions that I will give him a second chance, not only on the fidelity front but also in terms of his attitude to me and to life in general - he knows I will call it a day if he reverts to the selfish, entitled man he had become in the years before his affair. He knows that I have the choice now and that I will not hesitate to exercise it if he does not treat me with the empathy and respect that he belatedly recognises I deserve.

It may be that you won't be able to bring yourself to appreciate this, that you will continue to try to hold onto him at all costs. I really hope not, but if you can't, please at least try to make him think that you are seriously considering your position...

I don't think I'm going to add much new to what others have said, but it is clear that he is finding it very very difficult to let go of the other relationship, although it is clear from what he says that he knows that he has to. The main issue is, of course, that the counselling means nothing unless there is absolute openness and honesty between you, and the ongoing deception on his part is evidence that he is not committed enough to fully severing the affair / contact in order to really focus on things with you. I think you can continue counselling together, as long as part of the discussions are about why he is unable to let go, despite it causing so much more damage and hindering the recovery of your relationship.