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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post dh affair: More shit to come?

302 replies

holdtight · 17/03/2014 20:41

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

OP posts:
ageofgrandillusion · 17/03/2014 21:59

I am trying to put myself in your shoes OP and i just cant understand why you would want to be building a life with someone who clearly views you - women in general for that matter - with such utter contempt. He will cheat again, the contact with this woman is almost a red herring - if it isnt her and this time it will be somebody else and another time. Depressing stuff.

CooCooCachoo · 17/03/2014 21:59

I think the continued contact would just be such a huge, sad disappointment to me. There isn't any need for it and you should question it, although I can't think of any reason that would satisfy me that it was really over. Although not all communication is instigated by him, it also doesn't look like she's doing all the work, he's not exactly making it clear that all communication, including e-mail contact, needed to stop.

I suppose the question is what are you willing to put up with/settle for?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/03/2014 22:01

I'm sorry OP. I think you need to disabuse yourself of some notions you have about your husband's reasons for staying:

It's convenient to stay with his family; you say that he's free to go - and so he is - but it's not convenient for him to do so. It will disrupt his comfortable routine and that's why he won't go. Marriages are easy to get into but family life is either full of golden 'bonds' or stifling 'tentacles'. Both have the same strength of hold and it just depends on your outlook as to which is applicable.

Whatever made your husband enter into this affair in the first place is still there. He's still in contact with the woman he told you he would not contact again. That is a shockingly deceitful act of disrespect to you, OP. It's not about who is the most important of you (you and OW) because neither of you really figure in his 'importance scale', he's right at the top of it and the only person's needs he's taking care of is his own, he doesn't care about either of you.

I don't know if you can put yourself in his shoes to see how your behaviour would match up to his were you in his position but for me, if I were in your husband's shoes, wanting to prove to you that I would do anything to make our marriage work, that's what I would be doing. You'd have access to any mode of communication I had and, after telling OW that there would be no more contact, there wouldn't be. Nothing at all. I would take the greatest pains to ensure that I wasn't distorting the truth about anything anymore; no white lies, nothing. He's not doing that. He's treating you like some kind of lesser being and, whatever you do, you're not the mug - he is. He's not worthy of you and not worthy of your continued time and effort.

tessa6 · 17/03/2014 22:13

Oh holdtight, I'm sorry but your latest is kind of saddening. You have not 'shown him the door' if he stayed each time. That is just words and I'm afraid has no meaning. You think he has 'chosen' to stay each time. You are still dealing with all of this through HIS point of view. The definition of 'showing someone' the door' is not pointing at it and then saying. 'you decide.' Of course he could have left to go to the OW, he could at any time. Any of us could choose to leave at any time. That's meaningless. The only thing with meaning is if you show him the door by kicking him out. YOU choosing. Choosing how to respond to the affair, choosing how to respond to this continued contact. You are still, essentially in a response mode. Everything is still about him and how you are going to be forced into responding. You need to realise that the only thing that will change this is action, yours, not his now. I am afraid he does not believe for a moment that you will leave him, contact or no contact, and from what you are writing here he is probably right. So, from his point of view, why not?

Original poster
holdtight · 17/03/2014 22:19

I know - some of this advice rings true and hurts a great deal but thank you for your honesty. I have no idea what to do about the emails. I don't want to confront him at this stage. We are at Relate and he has assured me he wants us to work and that he has no idea why he jeopardised our marriage so this contact has really thrown me. The emails seem conversational, no wishing things were different/sexual talk so what is the need for it? To jeopardise it all and betray his promises for a 'how are you' to ow??

OP posts:
Driveway · 17/03/2014 22:19

He's not ready to be honest with you. He's not ready to give up his OW.

He hasn't really faced what he might lose because it's all a game, or else he has faced it and he just doesn't care / doesn't value your family.

Either way, you can't rely on this man to be a good partner in life. I'm so sorry. :(

JohnFarleysRuskin · 17/03/2014 22:22

Don't minimize this op. he is continuing to massively betray you.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2014 22:23

You are wasting your time at counselling, love

If there is not complete transparency between you then you might as well burn your money in the garden, and use your time to watch paint dry.
There is no way you can move on with this big fat elephant in the room, and your counsellor would say the same

tribpot · 17/03/2014 22:24

he has assured me he wants us to work and that he has no idea why he jeopardised our marriage

But he also told you he had gone no contact with the OW. You need to not believe what he says and look at what he does.

Stockhausen · 17/03/2014 22:32

Counselling is pointless, while he is not being truthful. I'd bring up the emails at your next session & see how he reacts.

scornedwoman67 · 17/03/2014 22:41

so sorry op. I went through this too. Kicked him out, let him back, listened to him at Relate (also lying) All the time he was still in contact. On reflection I think he wanted me to kick him out permanently so that the decision was made for him. He has shown he is prepared to carry on lying to you just like my XH did. I'm afraid it shows a basic lack of respect for you or a preparedness on his part to be honest. I'd never accept it again.

MaryMungoAndMidgies · 17/03/2014 22:44

His reply to her should have been "No, contact ends here, I want to work things out with my wife".

Not "I can't". I can't (but I want to?). I can't (this week, but maybe once the dust settles?). What did he mean by that "I cant"?

He has made a mockery of your very gracious second chance. I couldn't forgive that. I'm sorry you feel so torn, but the only way forward is to confront him with the proof of his lies. How he reacts will tell you all you need to know.

I hope you find the answers you seek.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/03/2014 22:46

he has assured me he wants us to work and that he has no idea why he jeopardised our marriage so this contact has really thrown me

But actually he's still contacting the OW. Regardless of it just being conversational, he's in contact with her. Don't minimise it.

Look at his actions OP, not his words.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/03/2014 22:47

It's NOT "How are you?" to the OW, holdtight, it's "I'm still here, still thinking of you (because I don't want to focus on the marriage, which is what I'm supposed to be doing, it's all too hard and uncomfortable for me), I can't talk to you (but need you to stroke my ego still and the only way to get my kicks at the moment is for this snippet of conversation with you - I'm so clever)".

The words in brackets are his subtext to the OW. He's not being honest with her either. He should be proving everything to you, holdtight and he's not doing that because there are no consequences for him.

Everything that you're doing and saying is telling him that he just needs to try 'a bit', show you that he's sorry. Stop listening to his words and start listening to his actions because they will tell you all you need to know.

I'm sorry to say that I agree that counselling is not going to help you because you're attending and he's half-attending; the other half is busy working against it - and you. I'm so sorry for you, it's a horrible thing that he's doing.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/03/2014 22:49

x-posted with the last few posters and it's uncanny how we're saying much the same thing.

Is there somebody you can trust to talk to in RL, holdtight? Somebody who you can tell this to and have them be honest with you? :(

purplegadget · 17/03/2014 22:49

I hope you don't mind me commenting, I have personal experience of this as the OW. I had a 3 month affair last summer/autumn. My DP doesn't know and as far as I know OM's DW doesn't know either.

I say 'as far as I know' as we went NC in November so I can't know for sure. Going NC is one of the hardest things I've ever done but it was the right thing to do. We both needed to try to fix what's wrong with our primary relationships and that was the only way it was ever going to happen.

There have been so many times I would have loved an 'are you OK?' or 'I'm thinking of you' message but what's the point? It's over. Forever. What's the point of prolonging the agony?

What I'm trying to say is, if your H is serious about trying to work things out then there is no point in keeping in contact, it just makes things harder and more painful. If he's thinking that there may well be a point because there's a chance it's not over, then that's different and he's not fully committed to working things out.

If she's contacted him he doesn't need to respond. Someone said on another thread 'silence is impenetrable' and they are so right.

Once again, I hope you are not offended by me commenting.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 17/03/2014 22:50

op he will go back to her as he never really let go.

She must have a pull on him as he seems sad he can't meet her. He is still lying to you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/03/2014 22:54

Counselling isn't going to work OP, when he's still emotionally invested in the OW. He's sad he can't meet up with her, yet at the same time he's meant to be making a go at his marriage. He's got two women fighting over him. What an ego boost that must be.

noddyholder · 17/03/2014 22:57

He is not remorseful or working hard he is just making all the right noises to make you think he is whie he carries on as before.

enlightenmequick · 17/03/2014 23:00

the unified theory of cake

He's doing this, i'm afraid.

maggiemight · 17/03/2014 23:03

I am wondering what age you are. Relatively young probably (I am 61). You have years of life ahead of you, is it really worth spending more time trying to save this relationship? Perhaps it is time to move on.

Original poster
holdtight · 17/03/2014 23:03

I don't believe he will go back to her or that she has a pull on him - he has had his opportunity and chose to invest in our marriage - I was there when he made the phonecall. I agree that the contact could be interpreted as an ego-stroke and wonder wether in that case it could be forgiven as an absolutely idiotic ego trip. Though don't give up on me if that sounds pathetic - i'm still thinking it through/weighing it all up. The lying hurts, especially through our Relate sessions which I thought were actually getting us somewhere.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/03/2014 23:09

yep, that's it

the script

so transparent, when you are on the outside that is

enlightenmequick · 17/03/2014 23:10

Is he really investing in your marriage?

Or is he paying lip service to the idea, to keep you on side, until things get back on an even keel and then he can resume with OW?

He's not even cast her adrift completely, he has a tentacle unfurled in her direction already.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2014 23:10

read that chumplady article, OP

it explains it all...and also the mistakes you are making