Post dh affair: More shit to come?

[holdtight]

I found out about my dh's alleged 6 month sexual affair with a female friend in November. Long story short - I have taken him back and we are at Relate. He has been sad, teary, guilt ridden and remorseful throughout, hence my decision to give things another try despite my reservations. I NEVER saw this coming - complete shock and out of the blue and otherwise a kind family man with a midlife crisis. We have 3 dc.

I have full access to his home email account/phone and nothing untoward on there but recently, due to a niggling feeling, I checked his work account and found numerous emails to and from ow SINCE November and as recent as last week. He had point blank ASSURED me he was NC. In the emails he is initially asking her if she's okay - he ended it suddenly and she was devastated. In her replies she asks him to meet her, to which he says he can't. Sometimes he says he misses her, but when she replies if he wants to meet, he always says no with a :(. I am sitting on these as I don't know what to think or do and I am curious to see where the fuck they are going with this. I feel like Relate was all a lie if he is still in contact and he has AGAIN lied to my face BUT he is only asking how she is/general stuff. Am I a mug? (Think i know the answer)

BUt what happens when things aren't working? What happens if you disagree with him or want to say no to him?

I worry about the position you have put yourself in. It's not sustainable.

I think the last thing you need right now is for people to be harsh and sarcastic with you because deep down inside I think you know the OW is still has a place in your husbands heart and head. It gives me absolutely no pleasure at all saying that to you because there is no satisfaction to be had from another womans agony, but pls can you try and be brave enough to take the reality of this situation on board just a little bit. It will be hurtful and scary but its a better kind of hurt and scary that you are living right now. I dont for a minute think when you're doing you're searching that you're not dripping with sweat and your heart isnt racing. It really isn't good for you. However if you can open yourself up to accepting the obvious, everything you feel, although it will make you feel ill initially, will soon turn into something positive and be less detrimental to your longterm well being and happiness.

OP I have only skimmed this thread but many years ago, 2002 actually I was in exactly the position you are now, my H had an affair, I discovered it and he ended things with the OW. We had counselling and I thought we were over it but things were never the same.
7 years later in 2009 he had another affair and I kicked him out, he felt the need to tell me a year later that throughout those intervening years he had many affairs and I was the mug that believed he regretted his original affair and thought we were making a go of things. We are now divorced and I bitterly regret being such a mug and the years I wasted on him.
Only you can decide what is best for you but these things very rarely end well. Your H is keeping one foot in the door with the OW and following the well trodden script of affairs.
Look after yourself holdtight and I wish you well whatever you decide.

Re assuming your husband would do as agreed - that's what honourable and hopeful people quite rightly think others will do but sadly it doesn't always work like that.

Thanks Caitlyn for such a kind post. Yes, i'm sure she has a place of sorts but with time and no contact I was hoping she wouldn't. All the comments are helping me through the fog i'm under. Please don't think i'm a lost cause.

Ive been frustrated with you at times but thats long since past. Now I just feel heart sore for you and I honestly don't believe there's anything to be gained right now from anything other than gentle support.

I think you are on your way a different conclusion to the one you've had till now

You dont need us to be brutal with you.

I really am sorry you're hurting so much.

Even if you believe this is the end of the matter, OP, and the fact that the new evidence also dates from last year suggests it may be, do you think you can - or should - live with this secret? That in itself sounds destructive for the future of your marriage. (Not as destructive as what he has done, obviously, but nevertheless).

There are messages in early March but not like what I've found from Dec. I will confront h, but was waiting to see if there are any more - particularly since before i'd seen the messages we had what I perceived to be a honest, open heart to heart about why he had the affair, he broke down and said he couldn't believe he'd risked losing me and his family. There has been no contact since that date so part of me thinks this may have shifted something in him. I was waiting to see if it had.

Lovely posts, Caitlyn, I'm glad OP has you in her corner.

The trouble is, your boundaries keep moving.

He had an affair. Ok, so put it behind you and work on rebuilding the relationship.

Then you find out he had contact with her during this 'rebuilding' time but it was just messages. Ok, so put that behind you too and continue working on relationship, but now with added awareness and vigilance.

Then you find he phoned her during this time. You only find this out because she missed his call and emailed him about it. You don't know whether there were other calls which she picked up. Now you don't know whether they met up during that time.

Ok, give him the benefit of the doubt because he's being really nice right now. Keep doing the things that make him happy, don't give him any reason to go back to her.

If you confront him, he will do exactly the same as before. He will be sorry and promise to cut all contact, for good. And even though he has promised that before and broken that promise, you will believe him and let him have one more chance.

Why don't you want to just ask him, like I suggested? Is it because you know, in your heart, that he will lie to your face again?

Holdtight, fairenuff is right. you seem to know exactly what the problem is deep down. You keep crashing through your bottom lines.

Decide what your bottom line is, Now. Write it down. Now act on it. And commit to it. To you. He is an irrelevance to it. But please try to find a bottom line.

Contacting ow again is my bottom line.

Fairenuff I am going to ask him.

I think it's best to just ask him, OP, his answer will tell you all you need to know. If he admits contact then maybe he is now committed to you and ready to be honest with you.

If he lies to you then you know what you are dealing with and can think again. When are you going to ask him?

How's it going OP?

:(
I have asked dh if he has had any contact with ow. I didn't let on i'd seen the emails.

He initially denied it but I pushed it and pushed it and he eventually told me that he had exchanged a few emails, first to see how she was but now always her instigating. Since supposed NC they have spoke on the phone and they have seen each other. Not sexual, a mutual friend's birthday lunch - he knew she would be there. All this since I drew the line. He says no contact for a month which tallies up with the emails I've seen. Says he has no interest in her and it is habit/addiction. Has not contacted her since he opened up to me a month ago and saw what he stood to lose. He doesn't know i've seen the emails where he says he misses her, he 'can't' and that he's miserable here.

Help.

How can we help OP? Keep posting.

How does he reconcile his point blank assurances that he wasn't in touch with her and this?

How does he think you can trust him when he lies constantly?

Sorry op. how grim for you.

holdtight I don't think he'll fully understand what he'll lose until he loses it. Perhaps then, there'll be a way forward for you as a couple. Or he'll run straight to her. I think after his latest revelation it's the only way to find out where his heart lies x

I'm so sorry OP

Bloody hell, holdtight. You must be so, so disappointed. I'm very sorry.

He is a liar and I think the only thing that is going to make him truly evaluate what 'no contact' means is if he loses the contact he has with YOU. Take yourself out of the equation altogether and make yourself unavailable. He will then realise the impact of his lies and the consequences will hit him hard and fast.

Take the time apart to evaluate whether you want him, nevermind whether he deigns to choose you over the other woman. He shouldn't get to make that choice, you should.

I'm so sorry, holdtight, I know you were rooting for him to be truthful but he just cannot seem to do that.

You absolutely cannot trust him when he says it's habit / addiction. It may be but it's of no use to you and habit and addiction have destroyed people's lives anyway, even on their own.

You need to look only to yourself here. You absolutely cannot trust him as you can trust yourself.

If he has told you they have spoken on the phone AND seen each other, it is possible (I would even say likely) there is more than this, since cheaters always minimize.

He knows you drew a line. He now knows you know he completely disregarded it.

What do you feel has to happen as a result of that?

Does not surprise me. Cheaters never know what they really stand to lose until they have experienced loss.

Your only chance of saving the marriage (assuming that this is what you want) is to ask him to leave for a few weeks to give you space and time to process your thoughts and emotions while deciding if you still want to be married to a liar and cheat.

The affair bubble he's still in will burst and hard cold reality will hit him - hopefully then he will realise you are serious and fight hard to win you back. He is more likely to appreciate you if he had to work hard to win you back...

Well done for asking him OP. I know that was hard for you but you can see now that, where you thought your relationship was going so well right now, he is still in denial and not ready to be completely truthful with you.

He denied it. If you had accepted that and walked away, he would have continued to keep all that secret from you. Because you pushed and pushed, he gave you a little bit more. But it won't be the whole truth. They met. What do lovers do when they meet. They don't have lunch with colleagues, that was a cover.

Anyway, you know now that he is keeping his options open. He is not fully committed to you 100% and, let's face it, why should he be when he has no consequences for his actions.

He says it is an addiction. Do you know why? Because he can abdicate responsibility, it's not his fault, he can't help himself. That is a lie and he said that because it's the only plausible lie that you might swallow.

The truth is he met her because he missed her and he wanted to be with her. He cannot tell you this because he thinks it will be too much and you will ask him to leave. He wants the best of both worlds. You at home looking after everyone and ready for more 'hysterical bonding' whenever he wants. Her waiting in the wings ready to meet when he fancies some excitement and danger in his life.

Tell him to leave. For now. Tell him you need some time and space to think about what you want. You tried reconciling and that didn't work. You have set your boundaries and he has ignored them time and time again. Tell him to give you some breathing space.

Ironically it's the best way to get him to commit to you, if that's what you want. Alternatively, with him out of the way you might realise that you don't want him back.

People who cheat are gambling. They know what they risk losing and, at the time, they decide that it's worth the risk.

It's only when their gamble fails that they are sorry. They are sorry that they got found out, not that they did it. But if there are no negative consequences he is more likely to do it again.

I'm so sorry to see he's let you down again. You must be utterly sickened. Other posters have really nailed it to the bare bones so I won't add anything because I can't.

Stay here, you will get so much help.

What they all said . Sorry to hear your news