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Original poster

Wwyd - dp looking at beautiful women

266 replies

boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:32

By beautiful I mean that perfect, unattainable look. Soft porn style.

I am hurt and upset, and disappointed. He doesn't get it at all, and thinks him looking at them does not detract how he feels about me.

How would u feel?

I didn't think he was like this - I'm a feminist and thought he was too.

OP posts:
Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:32

Sorry I should clarify - this is on the Internet

OP posts:
Beanymonster · 05/03/2014 16:40

Is it For any reason? As in, is he searching for 'beautiful women' or 'beautiful women lesbian threesome' I think if it's the former I would just ask him.. In fact, just speak to him!

Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:42

It was soft porn. Individual women/models. I have asked him, he doesnt deny it, and says there is no issue to be discussed.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 05/03/2014 16:44

Well that put you in your place didn't it - you bring up an issue in the relationship you're not happy with and he told you it's not up for discussion.

How long have you been together? What are you going to do?

WhateverTrevor83 · 05/03/2014 16:46

An ex boyfriend used to always buy the 'Top 100 Sexiest Women in the world' edition of FHM. It used to really annoy me but I wasn't affected or offended by it. I thought it was more pathetic than anything.

What does he say about it?

Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:48

He's just walked in, I said just because he doesn't see an issue it doesn't mean I don't, which means a discussion needs to happen. He just said, 'so can I have a shower first?'

Not sure what to say. Initially I 'blamed' myself for feeling hurt, as I am insecure with low self esteem. But that doesn't quite sit right

OP posts:
WhateverTrevor83 · 05/03/2014 16:49

Whoops just saw... So you're not allowed an opinion on him googling soft porn?! Hmm

Not sure how long you've been together but if you feel passionately about this issue as a feminist don't see how you can get passed it if he won't even discuss never mind compromise....

Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:50

He likened it to looking at art / landscapes! Pfft please..

It's him getting off on 'perfection' I don't like

OP posts:
Jan45 · 05/03/2014 16:56

My self esteem is pretty much up there and I wouldn't like my partner looking at any kind of porn, not whilst he's in a relationship with me.

Perhaps you need to entertain yourself with some male soft porn, perhaps a few mags lying about and maybe some fridge magnets might make him a bit more open to a discussion...

HairyGrotter · 05/03/2014 17:08

He sounds very dismissive of your feelings, that would be my main gripe. I have cripplingly low self esteem and would get very hurt by things like this. However, his reaction is beyond the limit I'd tolerate IMO

CaptainHindsight · 05/03/2014 17:08

Did I google Jared Leto Oscars - yes.
Did I think he was a perfect specimen of a man? - yes.

Would I google Jared Leto having a wank? No
Would I leave it on the history for DH to be upset over? Also no

Would I tell my DH that I didn't care if it hurt him when asked about it?
No- because I respect my husband and I would be devastated if I made him feel unnatrative or inadequate.

It's not even about some saddo soft porn pictures. He doesn't give a shite that you're upset over it and that OP is a fucking big deal.

kentishgirl · 05/03/2014 17:08

He likened it to looking at art / landscapes

cheeky bugger. That's demeaning to the women in the pictures as it turns them into abstract objects, and really annoying for you as you know it's rubbish!

I don't get fussed over stuff like this but if it hurts your feelings, then it's an issue, and he shouldn't do it. If he needs to do it so bad that he doesn't mind hurting your feelings, it's hardly a casual glance at 'artwork', is it. It must mean more to him. So don't let him bamboozle you when you discuss it.

JeanSeberg · 05/03/2014 17:10

You call it low self-esteem, I call it being dis-respected on a regular basis by your so-called partner who's wanking to porn.

AgathaF · 05/03/2014 17:20

It's entirely up to you if you feel comfortable with it. If you don't and he cannot or will not stop his behaviour, you need to decide if it's something you want to split up over, or if it's something you can live with if your relationship continues. Only you know the answer to that.

How long have you been together?

Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 17:26

Thank you all for your replies.

We have been together 2 years.

He is notoriously bad at communicating feelings, it is very tiresome. When I challenge / face him, he gets so defensive, and sulky.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 05/03/2014 17:31

2 years and it's like that, doesn't bode well tbh.

JeanSeberg · 05/03/2014 17:31

Doesn't sound like a barrel of fun.

So what's your plan? More of the same or do something about it?

HairyGrotter · 05/03/2014 17:45

He has shown you how little your feelings matter. Are you prepared to live your life having your feelings 'dismissed'?

I'm a liberal feminist, I'm vocal about such too, my DP loves this about me, we disagree in debates, but totally respect each other's opinions. I'd say DP is more feminist than he admits but he would never dismiss my feelings or opinion.

You can do better, you are an equal!!!

Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 17:48

No I'm getting increasingly fed up.

We've talked, he's angry and said he won't stop looking at them occasionally. He thinks they're art. He just doesn't get it :(

I'm not prepared to be with someone like that :(

OP posts:
HairyGrotter · 05/03/2014 17:51

So he's looking at 'art' despite your feelings? Sack him right off, he can find someone who will put up with being a second class citizen to him.

It's not art, it's porn soft or hard, his excuse is laughable and utterly abhorrent

JeanSeberg · 05/03/2014 18:34

Do you live together?

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/03/2014 18:46

He doesn't think they're art. Thats just a crap way of trying to justify it.

I have a similar problem in the DH used to look at, save and print off and save pics of women. Could be J-Lo in alovely frock or some yound blond sitting on a motorbike with her legs open. Bizarrely it was the saving and printing that bothered me the most. I mentioned it and he started hiding them. I just chucked them away. It still bothers me, but mostly because I feel its a bit pathetic and have lost some respect for him.

I don't mind the FHM stuff but in the past year he has started buying Front magazine. 18 yr olds with their tits out. Again if i see find one i chuck it out.

Sorry no help at all. I am learning to be a bit less fecking furious about it but i think not having internet at home helps! Kind of stops him. Not the point i know.....

Fairenuff · 05/03/2014 18:52

How does soft porn differ from regular porn? Presumably these women are naked? What are they doing?

Not after particular details op, just that this seems like an excuse to look at porn.

Original poster
boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 18:57

I know, I wish he'd just be understanding and sympathetic to my feelings.

We do live together yes.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 05/03/2014 19:00

Porn is porn and art is art. The word pornography derives from the Ancient Greek meaning writing about prostitutes - porne = prostitutes, graphos = write. It's material intended to stimulate an erotic rather than an aesthetic response.