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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wwyd - dp looking at beautiful women

266 replies

boomoohoo · 05/03/2014 16:32

By beautiful I mean that perfect, unattainable look. Soft porn style.

I am hurt and upset, and disappointed. He doesn't get it at all, and thinks him looking at them does not detract how he feels about me.

How would u feel?

I didn't think he was like this - I'm a feminist and thought he was too.

OP posts:

WhateverTrevor83 · 06/03/2014 22:07

Leave hubs to watch his porn and go for a few snowballs with the lads from work.
Hey it's 2014, people get up to much worse x

Blanche65 · 06/03/2014 22:11

I don't think 2 wrongs make a right but thankyou anyway

Fairenuff · 06/03/2014 22:19

But you have been asked whether you have a problem with the porn or not and all you say is that it enhances your sex life.

Jan45 · 07/03/2014 11:12

*OP if you choose to leave your boyfriend over this then please be honest with yourself over your reasons for doing so. Your boyfriend's crime is shared by almost every man I have ever known and I know a lot of very lovely and good men.

Don't be wound up by the posters on here who seem to live for the opportunity to give some poor bloke his marching orders.*

No, most decent men do not perv over naked pics of women in full view of their partners, they just don't. Fact is the OP does neither like or appreciate it and that's her prerogative. Can't he do what most blokes do and perv in his own privacy and time, I would think so.

Rainbow: Not one person on here has given the bloke his marching orders, the OP is contemplating it for her own reasons and I hardly think it's over just this. Unbelievable that you can't accept others have an opinion that differs from yours therefore they must be lacking in self respect in some way...just bizarre...

Branleuse · 07/03/2014 11:24

i cant imagine telling dp that i didnt want him to look at magazine type women or browsing pictures when im not with him and he has free time if thats what he wants to do. I cant even imagine telling him it disappointed me. Thats pretty patronising and passive aggressive.

If it really really bothers you, then youre probably better off leaving.
I think its pretty standard in a relationship to expect monogamy, but to expect a partner to never look at other attractive people is a bit thought police. It really isnt your business

anapitt · 07/03/2014 11:27

I agree with Rainbow on the point that some people on the relationship boards seem to live for the opportunity to give some bloke his marching orders. She did not specify this thread, but that is certainly the general tone here.

The last time I said some such thing a prominent poster here made fun of my name ( which derives from a much loved friend who was murdered)

. Hilarious and intelligent. Not.

Jan45 · 07/03/2014 12:11

I think the OP would be fine about her OH getting his kicks looking at naked women as long as it wasn't shoved in her face?

As said, what he does in his own private time is indeed his own private time.

The OP wanting to leave the relationship I think is more to do with her OH's complete lack of understanding and refusal to engage in any form of communication, possibly about anything that bothers her, not just this.

It was the OP herself who said she was contemplating leaving him.

Some folk are A ok with soft porn in front of them, the OP clearly isn't and is not alone in that estimation, I wouldn't like it either. If my partner wants to perv and pleasure himself over naked women that's fine, I don't have to want to see it though.

Original poster

boomoohoo · 07/03/2014 20:12

Just caught up with this.. Wow! Thank u to all the posters who have been supportive and understanding. To the more critical ones... I respect your opinion, and thank u for taking time to post, but I don't agree, and u remind me of my dp. (Anyone single and wanna hook up with an unempathic 30-something?)

We still haven't spoken as been busy with work and out of the house.. Am going home now.

The anger has gone, which is good as I can speak calmly / assertively.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/03/2014 20:34

Good luck, boo

You have an opinion, and you have the right to make your own decision about how you want to live your life x

WhateverTrevor83 · 07/03/2014 22:23

Is he doing it in front of you/ogling OP as Jan says? I'm getting a bit muddled up now.

Hope your talk goes well anyway x

Fairenuff · 08/03/2014 10:06

I really hope you do talk to him, boo, and don't let this all blow over. But whatever happens, mn will be here for you. Let us know how it goes.

Amateurish · 08/03/2014 12:25

I don't think OP said he was doing it in front of her. Just that she found out he had been looking at them (presume internet history)?

It sounds like OP is making a judgement on the kind of women he is looking at. She doesn't like the photoshopped FHM style.

I can understand why OP is upset at the way in which he has dismissed her concerns. But then I can also see why he would get defensive about being told what kind of woman he can and can't look at on the internet in his own time.

6 of one, half a dozen of the other, I'd say.

Original poster

boomoohoo · 10/03/2014 17:59

Update:

I spoke to him on Friday night. He initiated talking first actually. He said sorry that he'd been a tosser about it, and that he should have been more understanding. We also had a bigger convo about the objectification of women, and he could see why those images were degrading. He has said (I didn't ask btw) that he won't look at them anymore.

So, I'm pleased with how it went and we are still together.

Thank you all for your support, espesh AF and fairenuff

OP posts:

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 18:11

You might want to rip the adverts out of the paper and any magazines in the house and tell him to avert his eyes fur

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 18:13

You might want to rip the adverts out of the paper and any magazines in the house and tell him to avert his eyes during telly ads if airbrushing is the big issue here.

Oh and no more glancing up at any billboards at the traffic lights too...

Glad he spoke about it and apologised for not listening to your feelings first time around. Not sure how he'll go on never being able to look at 'perfect' photos though they are everywhere

CaptainHindsight · 10/03/2014 18:42

Glad you are happier now Boo

AnyFucker · 10/03/2014 18:46

Glad you have got things sorted, Boo x

Fairenuff · 10/03/2014 19:14

I think seeing adverts around him as part of daily life is a bit different to googling images.

Glad you spoke to him Boo and that you feel happier about it now.

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 19:41

They're the same/very similar images but yeah you're right actively seeking them out ie google is different

MissScatterbrain · 10/03/2014 21:14

Looks like Trev is being her usual supportive self

OP - you are entitled to feel the way you do and I wish you luck

rainbowsmiles · 10/03/2014 21:17

Well I'm sure he'll do his level best to make sure you never catch him looking at the pictures again.

WhateverTrevor83 · 10/03/2014 21:17

Eh? googling is different - I'm agreeing!
Just saying that if OP is upset by airbrushed images there are lots around.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 10/03/2014 22:09

Good God rainbow what is the problem here? What do you want to OP to do? Suddenly change her mind and not have a problem with these pictures? She has a problem with them and your sarcastic comments like 'omg call the police' are completely pointless and help nobody.

rainbowsmiles · 10/03/2014 22:15

Good good almighty public enemy I'm trying to suggest her point of view may be fundamentally flawed and possibly affected negatively by her own poor self image and esteem. And I was actually making a genuine point re the calling of the constabulary, I was bringing attention to the minor nature of the so called crime your honour.

Original poster

boomoohoo · 11/03/2014 11:06

Rainbow, I think differently to you! Can't you just take that? I don't agree with your point of view. But I'm not telling you you are wrong for thinking differently to me.

Yes there are photoshopped images everywhere. That doesn't make it acceptable. Beating your wife used to be 'everywhere' in terms of commonality in the Victorian era. lots of people -men and women, are against those type of pics and want the world rid of them. Loads of campaigns around about it at the moment infact, look up the everyday sexism project and ban page 3 campaign, and get yourself clued up as to why sexual objectification of women is damaging to us all.

OP posts:

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